from a blog I read. The comments are great, too, with both sides expressing their opinions. It’s kind of a long read, but well-presented, and expresses a lot of the feelings I cannot express without anger. I should be so reasonable. Anyway, I hope you check it out. It’s worth the read.
This is my friend’s dog, because we need all the cute we can get nowdays.
not to shop at Walmart:
Had a great conversation with my new homemaker yesterday. I think I am going to get on just fine with her. Someone whose visits I can look forward to. Great to have someone to talk to. I’ve realized I am really not good just being on my own. I tend to shut down, and when there’s someone else here, it’s like a switch is flipped and I am a real person again. Yes, I am weird and have issues.
It is a lovely rainy day. Another reason to love Autumn. Rainy days, fireplaces, cups of tea, lovely warm blankets, invisible cat comes out of hiding to curl up on blanket next to me. It’s all good. Also baking. I used to bake a lot more, and at one point I made a loaf of bread every day. There were four of us, so it went quickly. I hardly ever bake, or cook, for that matter any more.
My new homemaker is also a certified and licensed personal trainer, and she recommended I try starting out very slowly with yoga to help with pain and maybe condition my muscles, which are practically non-existant after so many years of being inactive most of the time. I know they say to exercise with fibro, but it only ever made me much worse and sometimes took weeks to recover from one mild session. So I will give yoga a go. Used to do yoga years ago, and took a class with a friend a few years back, so I’m pretty sure it’s something I can do and not suffer too much afterwards.
Rain on the windows:
He is well worth listening to, and more of my own countries politicians should be speaking out as well, not sitting back and doing nothing.
“America has just elected a fascist”
And on that other subject, if you didn’t vote, or if you voted for hate:
Do you think these are going to get better now? Think again.
Then there’s this:
January, 2016, The Republicans Rescind Health Care For All.
I’ve read one of Trump’s people already has said he will dismantle Medicare and privatize it. This will directly affect me. I depend on services, did I say that already, because I am ill, and Republicans just want me to crawl into a cave somewhere and die. Which I probably will, now.
Spent literally almost all of yesterday in shock, scrolling, reading, blogging, reblogging, commenting. All on Tumblr. Checked Facebook and Twitter, but since I’m not really on them, it was a cursory glance. Helped a lot to vent and to read people’s thoughts about it all. Felt much better at the end of the day. Was out today, and when I checked in around 6pm, seemed like most of the furor had died down and things were a lot back to normal, which kind of surprised me. It’s like ‘OMG, OMG, OMG….here, let me post about my fav tv show’. Can kind of understand it. It was an emotional shitstorm yesterday, so some normalcy is a good thing. I just wasn’t expecting it so soon. I truly am dreading what’s going to happen. Speaking just for myself, I depend on the the government for funding of the services I get because I am ill. What happens to me if they go away? I do not have to worry about being deported and never seeing my family again, and my life isn’t in danger from angry morons who might beat me up or even kill me because they think it’s okay now. ‘I mean the President-elect hates you, so it’s perfectly fine for me to act out my hate for you as well.’ But I am still very, very concerned. Humanity is not my favorite species. Individually, some of you are spectacular, but as a species, we really, really suck.
I am afraid to look. I’ve been ready to cringe now and then in previous elections, but this is the first time I’ve truly been afraid to look. Because this election defines my country, and tells me what the majority of my countrymen think is right for us. If they’ve chosen hate as the new American ideal, I don’t know if I can cope with that. All the evil that has spewed from orange gas-bag man’s mouth, and it didn’t sway people at all. No one said, “Wait. What was I thinking, supporting him?” I’m not in one of those groups, unless he has a hate agenda against old white women, which he probably does, but I can imagine how those who are must be feeling. Like many of those same groups must have felt when the Nazis came to power. This could be the end for this great experiment in democracy. It’s only been about two and a half centuries, not a very long run if this is it. Gearing up, gearing up, gearing up. I really don’t want to look.
I looked.
I am avoiding social media as much as possible. Last time I was on any of it was day before yesterday. I just don’t want to know yet. I am, however, attempting to watch ‘Before the Flood’, the Leonardo DiCaprio/Fisher Stevens film about global warming. Don’t think I’m going to get through it, because it is too depressing. One thing that struck me right off was this quote from a clip of Sean Hannity on Fox News:
“Who better to educate world leaders on made-up climate change in a crisis that doesn’t exist, than an actor from Hollywood with zero years of scientific training?”
Does anyone notice that an equally un-scientifically trained paid shill for Rupert Murdoch and the Right Wing just declared as fact that climate change is made up and the crisis does not exist? But when he says it, it’s fact, when Leonardo or anyone else says the opposite, it’s fallacy. Does no one pay attention? People just believe whatever Fox News tells them, and no one questions anything? Apparently so. To quote George Carlin, “…question everything.”
I am as pessimistic as DiCaprio says he is for the future of my species. Unfortunately, I was not gifted with magic powers so cannot wave a wand and kick-start people’s brains into actually working. BTW, I love Fisher Stevens. No one mentions his name in talking about this movie, although he is the film maker. Here’s the link: http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/before-the-flood/videos/before-the-flood/
Don’t remember if I mentioned a fuse blew Sunday night, meaning the dishwasher and several kitchen plugs and one living room plug are not working. Breaker switch did nothing, so landlord is sending an electrician, who can’t come til tomorrow afternoon. I have moved things so I can use the toaster oven and my favorite thing ever, my electric kettle (is it possible to fall in love with an inanimate object, because I think I am in love with my kettle), and have lighting to read by on the couch. There are dishes needing to be washed in the dishwasher, but I cannot really wash more than the odd dish now and then, especially since I tore my rotater cuff, not to mention the OMG pain when I stand for more than literally one or two minutes.
Have the windows open, but will need to close them soon, as it’s warm outside, but very thick brick walls keep it from getting in here. My apartment is like the ocean. It takes a few weeks for it to warm up once summer hits, and a few weeks to cool down in the colder months. It’s the brick. I just figured that out recently, even though I’ve lived here for sixteen years, because I can’t think of everything. Come on, people. LOL
Took a carbon footprint test from here: http://www.carbotax.org/. My score is 7.2, I think because I can’t recycle here. I’d like it to be lower, but there’s only so much I can do. I really don’t think it matters, actually, because we have already messed the planet up so much, I think we have passed the Rubicon, the point of no return. I am a cynic, I know, but if you pay attention at all, you have to at least be a little pessimistic.
Please, if you haven’t voted, it’s not too late. It matters. I was trying to think of a good analogy the other day, but I could only come up with different-colored sheep. Say there are ten green sheep, who are all timid and fearful of everything, and filled with hate. They each and every one follow their leader without question. There are fifteen purple sheep, each of whom feel free to wander and search out and decide issues for themselves. There is a prize, which both sides are vying for. All ten green sheep follow their leader for the prize, and 6 of the purple sheep go off on their own and abandon their team. Majority wins the prize, and guess who has the majority? The green sheep. If even two of those six independent sheep had stuck with the plan, they would have easily won, and their continued freedom of choice would be pretty much guaranteed. But they didn’t. God, that is the worst analogy in the history of analogies, but I don’t know how else to try to make the point. I have spoken out and reblogged relevant posts on Tumbler, and Tweeted, and Facebooked, and tried other ways to make myself clear, but by tonight, it won’t matter anyway. It will be done. And if you didn’t vote, or you were one of those who wandered off and took your own path, we will all suffer the consequences, because orange gas-bag man will be running your country and taking away any freedom of choice you may have fought for and thought you’d won in the past. It will all be gone. So please vote. Right now I have to go pack for when I call down the mothership or emigrate to Canada, in case this all goes to hell today.
My new homemaker came for the second time. She is out doing the shopping. I realized I am feeling anxious and sad, I think. Why? I think it’s because everytime a new person comes, I have to start all over with explaining myself, or going through it all again and I always feel like they’re thinking, ‘You look fine. Why aren’t you doing this yourself?’. Maybe I can do it myself, but then when I can’t, and I have to ask them to do it, it will not be a part of the job they are accustomed to doing, and they will resent it and me, so I explain that just because I’m good today doesn’t mean I’ll be good tomorrow or next week and on and on and on. It’s that invisible illness thing where you really do look okay, and there’s no way to prove that you’re not, or that you won’t be, so you’re always trying to justify yourself. I hate this. I don’t get a choice, though, so it’s something I have to go through. She is the fifth person, including two fill-ins, since the beginning of June. It was nice having someone who knew me, and knew what I could and couldn’t do, and just did what needed to be done without any explanation or direction on my part. Eight years is a long time to have the same homemaker, I know, and I did realize how lucky I was. It’s just hard to readjust, even though I knew it would happen sometime.
It’s a beautiful and chill autumn day. North wind was blowing straight in the windows and I had to close them earlier or freeze. I had them open all night and it was fine, but today, the wind changed, and brrrr. 🙂 I love autumn, especially the not hot and sticky part.
Have to admit I am feeling anxious about the election. I do not watch regular tv. I do not. All I know is what I see on social media, and what I see is not looking good. Part of me is all, ‘It can’t happen. Orange gas-bag man cannot win.’, and part of me is afraid that he might. I think I will just hibernate for a couple of days after the election, so the major hullabaloo over the results will be over by the time I fire up the computer again. I hope. I know when Obama ran the first time, I did not watch anything until later the day after the result was in, because if it was bad news, I just did not want to know. I still am completely flummoxed by my countrymen. Some are threatening to prevent people from voting. This is the USA, not communist Russia. How can this be seriously contemplated? I don’t know what’s gone wrong, but it is major. All the hateful, homophobic, mysogynistic, zenophobic morons have only been pretending all these years it seems, and now Trump has given them permission to show their true selves again. This is just horrific. Horrific. I like people. Individual people here and there. But as a species, we are the worst thing to ever happen to this planet and every other species that’s inhabited it alongside us. We are even worse to one another. I don’t get it, it just horrifies me, who we are.
Do you really want to read a post where all I do is moan and groan? Can’t sleep, pain, pain, pain, and more pain. Why? No idea? Getting worse every day. Where’s the upside? Can’t see one right now.
Did get a new homemaker, since last one quit. That’s five homemakers, including fill-ins, since Traci quit at the end of May. One a month, on average. You really need to be able to adapt well to change, and new people, when you are ill.
Plugged in my tv to see if I coud get my Roku to work. HA! Freezes up every time I turn it on. Unplug, leave it, plug in, starts up fine, freezes. Stupid Roku. Does anyone else have this problem? This is my second Roku, and neither one has consistently just worked.
Does anyone out there know how to just get internet for a reasonable price. I think I’ve said, I have a double play with Comcast, cable and internet. If I drop cable, internet goes up and instead of my overall bill going up ten dollars a year, it will go up 20 dollars a year. Deregulation. It’s a good thing if you’re a corporation, but not so much if you’re just a regular person trying to get by on limited funds. What is the alternative? I can’t see one. I keep reading about people dropping cable, but no one mentions the fact that you need the cable company to get internet. I think my country, the US, is rigged against me.
See how whiney I can be when I feel like I’ve been run over by two semi’s? Pretty whiney. Going to go lie down now. BTW, do you know how hard it is to find a good image for feeling like you’ve been run over by two semi’s? Pretty darn hard. Found this while searching, and yes, been there, done that, with pretty much everyone I though I mattered to:
Autumn, and particularly October, best time of the year. Windows open, nice breezes, fresh air, it’s all good. That’s not my picture, btw. Found it I forget where. Sorry.
Turns out I am going to get a new disposal after all. Yay maintenance guy, who seems to be able to convince owner to do the right thing in spite of himself. 🙂 I like the maintenance guy.
Had a pretty good day, in spite of not sleeping well. They are working on the intersection again, all night long. No idea what they are doing this time. It was funny last time, because after nights and nights of digging and heavy equipment noises and bright flashing lights, I missed it when they were done. So it’s not so bad this time. Just had to close one window and face away from the wall the lights were flashing on. Homemaker came, place always looks much better after. Got the wet paper towels and stuff that I drained overnight in the tub out of here. Just keeping cupboard doors open to let it dry out in there. Think I will wait awhile before putting things back, just to dry it out even more. Trying to not get toxic mold, if it’s not already growing in there. The bottom board really needs to be replaced, but seriously, that is just not going to happen unless I do it myself or pay to have it done, or call the board of health and then endure Landlord Reprisals, 53 episodes and counting, with my luck.
Finished watching The Small Animal Hospital with John Barrowman last night. He is just so full of happiness and joy and uninhibited love of life. Makes me happy just to see him. He has enthusiasm. I have enthusiasm when I’m not feeling total crap. People don’t always understand enthusiasm, and tend to think you’re either crazy, or just a pain in the butt. Do I look like I care? I do not. Enthusiasm is what makes life worth living. Finding joy in the littlest things. Me and The Barrowman. We have something in common. LOL Seriously, how can you not love that face? The horse was standing on his foot at the time.
Just past 5, and the trees have lost the sun for today. Dark is getting earlier and earlier. All that ‘days are drawing in’ as they say in books. Probably said before, it just makes me think ‘fireplace, hot tea, blankets, cozy and warm, snuggling up on the couch with the cat, and reading, reading, reading’. All happy-making things that come with the changing of the seasons. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Course I do the reading every day regardless of the season, but still.
So the maintenance guy came, the disposal is leaking. Landlord doesn’t replace those, he just takes them out. Can he do that? That was part of the deal when I rented. A working frig, which took over a year to get a new one when the freezer stopped working, and now no replacement disposal? The dishwasher is probably 20 years old or older, and if it goes, he probably won’t want to buy a new one of those either. Please get me out of here, someone. My life is hard enough, without idiot greedy assholes making it even harder. Frustration R Us.
After being up for three whole hours, I needed to lie down and fell asleep for another three hours. So now, I’m having a bit of energy and think I will cook something. Yay, me. Realize stove is kind of messy from yesterday, which I totally did not even notice before now. Go under sink to find spray cleaner. Under sink is very organized, everything in containers, etc., so I had not noticed (again with the not noticing) until I was moving something that every container is full of water, and the bottom of the cupboard is awash. Haul everything out, try to wash some things off that aren’t ruined, throw in 7 bazillion paper towels to soak up water in bottom, give up on the whole cooking/eating idea, because who needs food anyway? Right? Any energy I may have had for food prep has gone right down the drain with the water from the containers. Items are spread out all over the teeny tiny kitchen floor. It has to be that when the mainenance guy replaced the spray attachment, he did it wrong. Light bulbs are okay, stuff in their own bottles are okay, replacement sponges I may run through the dishwasher. Fortunately there was nothing powdered, like DW detergent. I buy those little packety things now. Easier. Easier rules my life. So tomorrow, get presentable, call maintenance, hope guy can come that day. Nothing ever just works. Have you noticed that? Nothing is ever just easy? Oh, well. It’s a gorgeous if too warm day. Still hoping for rain. Going to go bang my head against the wall now. Later. 
Update. Lo and behold, I was not done in by plans going awry. I cooked/am cooking after all. Frying up some bacon that’s been in the frig waiting, waiting, waiting, scooped out and heated up my baked potato from yesterday and baked an egg in it. Yum. And if the energy holds, I am going to bake a custard pie. I know. Premade crust, so not much work. I have not made a custard pie in years and years. It would be coconut custard pie if I had coconut, but since I don’t…. So all is not lost. I really am better some days. It always surprises me. Put all the crap in the dishwasher, too, and am running it. I am going to leave everything out from under the sink til it really dries out. Think I will pour some white vinegar in there, too, to kill any mold, because you know there will be mold. Fun times, people. Fun times.
Thank goodness. Not quite doing the happy dance, but not this close to the black hole, either. Homemaker showed, place looks much better with vacuuming and all. I also did a few things. Used the hand vac to clean behind the left-hand fireplace bookshelf and moved everything back after I had to replace the old and overheating power strip. Sewed a bit more on my bathrobe. One whole side to go. And now I am cooking. Chicken sausages, onions, fresh sage leaves and apple cider, and baking a sweet and a white potato in the toaster oven. So real food tonight. The white potato I will save to scoop out, add an egg to the cavity, and bake it all, scooped stuff too, til egg is to my liking. This is a really easy and tasty meal. S and P, a dab of butter, and eat. The sweet potato (I love sweet potatoes, grew up eating them baked, dabbed with butter when done oh yum) I will have along side the sausages. There will be leftovers, too.
So knowing I will be seeing another human makes a big difference to my mood. and it’s very gray off and on and looks like rain and I love rain, and I feel like I’ve accomplished things, and seen a human and had a conversation, and I really, really need someone to push me to get dressed and go out and interact. I always manage to talk myself out of it.
I sometimes think that if I didn’t live alone, and had someone to encourage me and give me a little nudge here and there, and even to walk with me, I would do much better. I am good at taking care of people, but I am really hopeless at taking care of me. I did really well when the PT guy was coming several times a week, but on my own, I just can’t seem to work up the motivation to overcome the social anxiety and get out there by myself. Oh, well. If, if, if. I choose not to live my life with if, what if, if only, why me. It is what it is, and it’s up to me to do what needs doing, and if I can’t motivate myself, well it’s my loss.
Anyway, better, better, better. It’s a good thing.
I had the fireplace on a couple of days ago, and now I am melting from the hot and stickies. Climate change. It’s a real thing. No pictures today. I am jumping up, tending my dinner, and too lazy to do a picture search. Sorry about that.
BTW, big thank you shoutout to the one person who comments on here. Cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. Just knowing that my posts are not just floating away on thin air is very gratifying. So thank you, and you know who you are, Miss Tasmania. 🙂
Another BTW. Dinner turned out spectacular. Brown 1 lb fully-cooked chicken sausages, set aside, cook chopped onions til tender and transparent, return sausage, add 5-6 fresh sage leaves, 3 cups cider. Remove sausages and keep warm after ten minutes or so, cook rest down til syrupy. Oh, yum.
I am circling it. Had a bright spot when my lovely child came down and we went out to dinner. Other than that, every day is tighter and tighter circles into the black hole of oblivion. Reasons? I like to try to figure out the whys, so let’s see. My homemaker, the one that is okay but no substitute for my Traci, missed the entire week, and I had a fill-in for an hour, who actually would be more like Traci. Quite liked her. Someone to look forward to. No ‘Oh, poor you.” or freaking out over nothing. I was yawning the other day, hand over mouth, you know, politeness and all. She comes into the room, “OMG what is wrong?” “I was yawning.” “Oh, I though you had bitten your mouth and had your hand there to hold in the blood.” Seriously, person? Fucking seriously? Alarmist, anyone?
Plus, the unreliability of people just forces me to realize how totally unable to manage my life by myself I really am. Can’t do this, too much pain to do that, not enough energy for whatever else. Quit fighting. Just accept it, lay on the couch and read Torchwood fanfiction. Nothing really matters anyway, so why even bother pretending to care. I have one friend left, and even she is withdrawing again. People don’t really want to be around someone who is in pain and can’t do the things that people want to do. The fun stuff, like shopping, or walking, or sight-seeing. Maybe I’ll go back to the Trazadone, even if it does make my brain buzz. Drug-induced well-being is still well-being, isn’t it? Someday, it will all just be over. I look forward to that. I don’t have any fight left in me, it seems.
This is a jellyfish.
On a more positive note, I recently read three books by this guy, Kevin Wignall which were in Kindle Unlimited. If you’re into spyish, hitman-y, not the least bit formulaic books where you don’t know from one page to the next what is going to happen, I highly recommend this guy. Reflective, not action-oriented. Good stuff. I read A Death in Sweden, The Traitor’s Story, and The Hunter’s prayer. All different, all very good. Been watching some movies, too. Astronaut: The Last Push was weird, intense, and quite good. The Fundamentals of Caring, which was a feel-good, tug-your-heartstrings movie, but okay anyway. Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day was excellent. Cheering myself up a bit here. It’s a good thing.
A bookstore did this. Found on twitter, I think.
I just keep fighting, it seems. I guess it’s a good thing. The black hole is not a good place to be. I know. I’ve been there. Please, nobody feel sorry for me. I hate that.
Little update: Scrolling Tumblr, came across this from QuoteMadness, and it’s true, because just posting about stuff makes me feel better. I bring my own light. 🙂
| — | Jared White |
Just a reminder. It’s getting close to the day.
I am not an artist. I am good with dirt and can tinker with a computer to figure out what’s wrong and what to do about it, I am search with google, but art is a definite no. But tried again. Needed to add the other arm, but I haven’t had coffee yet, so you can’t expect too much of me. I am not sleeping well and the cat is not helping by yowling for five minutes straight at 5am. Why, Gertrude? Why? You are old and spayed, so I know you’re not in heat Just shut up, please? Oh, never do a post before your brain starts working. Anyway, here is meant to be someone (me) hanging off of the stove because standing up is just too painful. My life is so fun.
Oh, turned the fireplace on yesterday, and again this morning. Got cold in here fast. It was just hot a few days ago.
Thought we needed some color. This is from a local news channels website. Don’t know who to credit it with, but it’s definitely not mine. Somewhere in Rhode Island, I think.
Today October 10, 2016
Today is a gorgeous, windy and cool day. Yesterday was a gorgeous, windy, gray, and rainy day. Both are good. So much for weather.
Yesterday, October 9, 2016 Rainy, windy, gorgeous.
Illness. Tried taking half the anti-inflammatory, as per doctor’s suggestion when asked if I could stop taking any of the ten bazillion pills I’m taking every day. No. Was up at 3:30am breaking up Tylenol (I’ve mentioned they work better and faster that way) because can’t sleep for pain. Eventually slept, woke up in pain, pain, pain. So no half-pills.
I know there’s an anti-inflammatory diet, but you have to actually prep food, and cook food, and clean up after prepping and cooking food, and I am so not that person. I can barely stand for two minutes without major back pain needing me to lean on something or just go sit the heck down. If I do cook, it’s do one thing, go sit, do one more thing, go sit, rinse, repeat. Cooking anything can take a very long time.
It’s awful, how awful I am at art, isn’t it? LOL This is meant to be someone hanging off the stove, because standing up is just too painful. There aren’t a lot of pics of ‘cooking while in pain’ out there. I looked.
I really am much better in general, for whatever reason, and if I could only get past the back pain I would be able to do a lot more. Unfortunately, a side effect of the anti-inflammatory that helps with the all-over pain, is lower back pain. So in addition to having lower back pain, I take a pill that causes lower back pain. I love modern medicine. Going to call doctor to get me into pain clinic at local hospital. Maybe they can help.
Hope everyone is enjoying whatever season they are in at the moment. I am loving Autumn, it’s the best time of the year for me. Always been my favorite season, because leaves to shuffle through, color, fresh breezes, chill, promise of snow to come later on. I love Autumn.
From John Oliver, about orange gas-bag man (Trump, in case you are from Mars or somewhere):
“The human embodiment of every backwards, condescending, madman-esque boy’s club attitude that has ever existed, rolled into one giant, salivating, dick-size referencing, pussy-grabbing warthog in a red power tie.”
I could only stand to read part of a live-blog of the debate before my brain started trying to leak out my ears, and I don’t envy any of you who actually watched it.
strangely peculiar 