Something I have that it has been decided is no longer a thing, it seems. Anyway, been checking out some vids about it, and I absolutely have it, which I already knew from tests I took several years ago. It explains so much about my life. Good to know things.

We have gone from summer to it’s darn cold in here. Wind is from the NNW, so is blowing straight in my windows. Time to close them. Darn. More isolation. I have had a not great week after my spectacularly fun Monday. Story of my life. One good day in a row is something I used to have quite often, but it has been a very long time between the last one and Monday. So over this.

Yeah, feeling kind of negative today. Tired, in pain, apathetic in a way. Want to have something to eat, but can’t even get myself up to get to the kitchen and see that there is nothing there that is just edible without doing any prep work first. Bah.


Nooooo. Knocks me out for an hour or so, awake for a bit, knocked out again, awake the entire rest of the night, sleep all day. How is this any different from NO melatonin. I give up. Plus the pain was much worse again today. At least I had one really good day in a row there. Although I think my children are not happy with me eating indoors at Panera. But my friend wants to go places that only have eat in, and I don’t get to go anywhere without going with her, so I try to not be a pain about it. Dilemma, dilemma. I just don’t want to get sick. I am barely hanging on by my fingernails as it is, world.


It got cold. Was in the very, very low 50’s overnight, and is only 59 right now and the north wind was blowing in all day. Fortunately (little joke there) I was asleep for most of it. It is getting dark earlier by leaps and bounds, too. I love autumn, and I kind of like winter with cold and snow and all, but so many hours of dark is hard to cope with sometimes. Have to start turning the sun on when I get up. I have two full-spectrum bulbs in the overhead light in the main room, and it is rather like having sunshine in here. Helps a lot with those dark winter days.

Mine came covered, so if it had whipped cream and topping, I was not aware of it.

Am wishing I had a cinnamon crunch latte from Panera right about now. Tried putting cinnamon in the filter with the coffee, but it’s not the same at all. Okay, looked it up to see if I could make it myself. Here are the ingredients from the Panera site:

Reduced Fat Milk (Vitamin A Palmitate, Vitamin D3 Added), Espresso, Cinnamon Bark Naturally Flavored Syrup (Cane Sugar, Water, Caramelized Sugar [For Color], Natural Flavor With Other Natural Flavors, Citric Acid), Whipped Light Cream (Cream, Cane Sugar, Nonfat Milk, Sorbitan Monostearate, Carrageenan, Dextrose, Natural Vanilla Flavoring), Cinnamon Sugar Topping (Sugar, Cinnamon, Modified Corn Starch, Soybean Oil)

So milk, cinnamon syrup, espresso and topping. Does it ever taste good. Can make or buy cinnamon syrup, it seems, so may give that a try, and I prefer half and half or light cream in my coffee. Whatever, and however it may not be healthy, I will definitely get it again, should I get to go to Panera before they phase it out again.

So A Weird YouTube Thing Happened

I’ve started watching a series about a guy on a narrowboat. I’ve seen 3 or 4 episodes, and I can’t remember the name of it. But I went to check it out, and it seems to have vanished. It is not in my saved folder, not in my youtube subscriptions, not in my youtube history. Gone. Just gone. How can that happen? Anybody????

On the OMG I am so over fibromyalgia front, I upped my Prednisone from 6mg to 7mg on the 25th, and by yesterday I was better enough to actually go out to lunch and do some dollar store shopping with my friend Tess. I have not been able to do this in a while, so it was a super great day, AND I had a cinnamon crunch latte at Panera, and for someone who does not normally go for sweet drinks, OMG I could drink this every single day. If I had a way to get to Panera every single day, which I don’t.

Today is recovery day, so pretty useless, but not in the normal ‘life sucks right now’ useless way, just need to recovery from being out and walking and shopping and all. Feeling groovy, I mean hopeful.

Just Some Rambling This was spot-on. The book that was picked for me, Bewilderment by Richard Powers, is exactly the one I would have picked from the list. Interesting.

So, last night I was watching a movie in which you can hear some of the moon-landing conversation, and a guy saying, “Lift off. We have liftoff.”, and I remember that, and staying up late or getting up really early to watch liftoffs because Colorado is in a different time zone. Anyway, l suddenly had the thought that nothing is fun anymore. The excitement of watching a rocket with people in it shooting into space is just one thing. There was hope, and looking forward to new discoveries and dreaming of going to Disneyland and just a positive vibe about life. Now it feels like it’s just everybody hating everybody and some of us actively working to destroy our country and spouting nonsense that is causing untold numbers of our friends and neighbors to die of the plague, because stirring things up and spreading lies means ratings and profit. It seems you can’t trust anybody, especially where profit is involved. There is no pride in workmanship or putting out a quality product, because workers are treated like disposable, easily replaced pieces of machinery, and cost-cutting is the main goal, and a very few people have gathered all the wealth to themselves and do nothing but hoard it, when they could easily make everything so much better by using that wealth to fix things, and give people good lives. And all those who partiipated in whatever way in the insurrection and are plotting to take down the government they are part of, just walk around with no consequences for their actions.
And in spite of being warned for decades it is business as usual as the climate changes and life is radically changing as a consequence, and not for the better.

Also, I had to cancel my eye doctor appointment, because I was awake all night and just could not get it together enough to get ready. Frustration. I think I could cope better with the crap I mentioned here, except for the fact that the frustration of always feeling horrible and being almost completely unable to do anything I need or want to do is starting to really get to me. The prospect of another isolated winter is in the back of my mind, too. I almost never go outside, and boy do I wish I had even a tiny balcony I could put a chair on and sit outside, so I am looking like the pastiest, most washed-out, palest human around. I have a lot of UK ancestry, so I am already pretty pale as it is. Never going outside is not helping with that.

BTW, the movie I was watching is called “The Map of Tiny Perfect Things’, and it is kind of a Groundhog Day time loop movie but nothing like Groundhog day. I quite enjoyed it, and it was not at all what I was expecting. Check it out.

I will try to be more cheery next post. Sometimes life just gets to me.

My Day So Far

Did not take Elavil last night or today. Was awake til 8am, phone rang at 9, nuisance caller, slept til 11:30, I think. Messed about on laptop. Tired. Had a protein bar and coffee for breakfast, two frozen waffles with butter and maple surple for lunch, and now have made the cottage pie. I made the filling yesterday. Browned the meat, special grass-fed beef, added the creamed corn and the turkey gravy cause I only had turkey gravy, Heinz in a jar. Stashed in the frig overnight.

So now I cubed and boiled 2 russets, did not peel them because that would take way too many spoons. Cooked them, drained them, and there they are ready to be mashed when it occurs to me that I do not even own a potato masher. So I improvised with my big metal spoon with holes, which I think is officially named Big Metal Spoon with Holes. Had to sit on the couch with the pan on the coffee table to ‘mash’ them, because running out of spoons at an alarming rate. You do know the spoon theory, I hope. There is also the fork theory, which I think is pretty much ‘stick a fork in me, I’m done’. Cause I usually am. Overdone, even. Exhaustion can be fun. No, no it can’t.

Glomped them onto the meat mix, grated some cheddar in the nutribullet, and glomped it onto the mash and the stove and the floor. Was going to take pictures of before baking, but by then I could barely stand up, so no pics. Threw the pan into the preheated toaster oven, cause I am learning after ten bazillion years cooking that preheating is a good thing. Tried to clean up the cheese as best I could, and almost did not make it to the couch to collapse. Miss G, of course, thinks that lying directly in the way of where my feet need to go is fun, so almost did not make it at all.

So it’s going to bake for maybe an hour because it was cold from the frig and I want it hot and bubbly. Next I will have to clean the toaster oven, but I think I will just throw the shelf and tray in the dishwasher and be done with it. I love my toaster oven. Makes fantastic toast, and I bought pans that fit in it for baking and cookies, etc, so I don’t need to heat the oven to cook just for me.

I also thought for the entire day that it is Thursday and made some calls accordingly. Oh, well. I just left messages so hope they will get that I didn’t mean actual Thursday, but actual Friday. Fun times. And I wasn’t even groggy today, just tired. May watch some tv. I am having trouble with deciding what to watch, and I keep starting a show and then it’s nope, not now. Then I just read. I love my kindle. There are a few things that I really, truly am ever so glad I purchased. My original kindle keyboard, my toaster oven, my electric kettle and how did I ever live without that little beauty?, my white folding table that just fits my laptop and mouse so I can sit in the rocker and laptop, My little table that I think is meant to be against the back of a sofa as it’s flat on one side, and is really pretty. I keep it under the windows and did keep my laptop on it, but now that almost all the stores across the street are empty and cardboarded, it’s too depressing, so I use the coffee table mostly. Another great item. The top lifts up to table height and it’s made of sustainable rubber wood. Wordy today, aren’t I. Now I am exhausted, so done, done, done. πŸ™‚

My table and First Gertrude when things were a different mess than they are now,

Elavil Update

Had a long talk with the pharmacist about it, and he said because I am older, my body takes a long time to break it down, which is why the grogginess and can’t-stay-awake-ness???? lasts all day. Gave me some ideas to discuss with my doctor. Meanwhile, I think I am going to try taking it in the morning, to see if that makes a difference. Will keep you posted. I’ve been awake a total of three hours so far today, and it’s 6:30 pm. At least I’m not groggy when I am awake. Was in a total daze yesterday. Fun times.

Quotes From Some of Today’s Reading

“At one point a reviewer said that things had changed so much that I had to accept that racism, homophobia were no longer a thing. This was before the haters revealed themselves in recent years, crawled out from under their slimy rocks. I knew they were there. Anyone paying attention did. Now, it’s obvious.”

“And then new politics raised its ugly head, even after we had finally seemed to break the glass ceiling with a Black president. The folks who resented this were given permission by right-wing politicians who had the logic of the brain dead, made it okay to hate again; hate people for sexual orientation and race, religion, and so on.”

And look where it’s all got us. It was very disillusioning to be forced to realize that, as he says, haters were just hidden under their slimy rocks, and the orange disgrace gave them permission to crawl out and turn this country into a quagmire of hatred and vitriol. For shame. It is very depressing to realize just who so many of my countrymen really are. I was living in a fantasy world, where we were better than that.


Something I read today, which explains me very well to myself. “having bad executive function means that anything that you can’t see doesn’t exist” It’s the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ thing, magnified by a zillion. This applies to every thing in my life. If I can’t see it, I completely forget that it exists, which can be helpful at times, but is more often a hindrance. I buy something I already have, I buy something and forget I bought it if I’ve stashed it out of the way for now. Same goes with food. I can’t keep anything in the frig drawers, because I completely forget that there is food in them. I now keep the cat’s dry food in one of them, cause it keeps better, and since I open that drawer all the time, I remember what’s in it. The other one I have no idea if there’s anything in it or not. I should go look, right?

I top mine with about a ton of grated extra sharp cheddar. Oh, yum.

I wanted to cook today, since I bought…OMG….ingredients! What was I thinking? I want to make Cottage Pie, which is like Shepard’s Pie but with beef instead of lamb, but I am just sooooo tired. At least the pain is gone today. Pain, fatigue, or both. The joys of fibro. Past two days was pain, today is exhaustion. Oh, well. Better than those days when I have both at the same time. Maybe I can cook tomorrow. I even bought special grass-fed beef. What I really want is Trader Joe’s Chicken Marsala ready-meal, but it is quite a hike to TJ’s, and I have to wait til my friend wants to go so I can tag along. Wish they delivered, but they’re all the way up in Foxboro, so I imagine the delivery charge would be quite hefty. We have loads of Dunkin Donuts shops in my immediate area, you’d think they could add a TJ’s closer to me, but noooo.

Happy to see the moron turnout was practically nil in Washington, today. How did we get this insane, USA? People attacking people whose workplace requires them to wear masks. Seriously? Where is the reason, the sanity, the common sense, the just having a brain that works? IDEK, but it’s pretty depressing. Try to avoid as much as I can, but not getting on line at all is the only way, and I’m just not ready to do that. I do see people doing the right thing as well, so have not completely lost hope. So far. I need to eat something. That will cheer me up, right? πŸ™‚


Serious pain, started yesterday. Am overloaded with 8 hour tylenol. Housing inspector came, I already knew her as she used to work in the housing office, and she did not faint at the cluttery disaster my place has become. Passed me, too, since everything is working just fine for once. Got the meds for Miss G, thanks to my friend who picked them up for me. It’s like flea meds, which I have never used, you put it on the back of her neck. Got the rubber gloves all ready. And my homemaker is out shopping. I am buying ingredients, because my brain thinks I will cook something. Stupid, stupid brain. It knows that never works out well, but goes on buying ingredients anyway. My brain is on holiday still, thinking is not working well at all. It’s a gray, cool day. Cool is good. That’s all the excitement for today. πŸ™‚

Something That Work

If you have tinnitus, or even if you don’t (I don’t, it just seems to calm my head somehow) do this for about 30 seconds. Seriously, it works.

I can’t seem to just get the video here. I really hate the new editor, which isn’t so new anymore, but I don’t hate it any less. Try to do a preview. HA!

Just Shoot Me Now

Well, maybe not, but why can’t I catch a break? You know I have been ill for a very long time, and it has recently gotten worse and my house is kind of a cluttery disaster after a year and a half of no one coming in to help me with anything and Housing is coming Friday for the Inspection and I cannot do anything to tidy things up because I am barely, barely functional and it just isn’t going to happen, so embarrassment and humiliation are anticipated. And today, to add insult to injury as they say, I discovered my cat has tapeworms. She has never been outside since I got her at almost 3 months old (her, not me). Well, except in her crate to the vet for checkups. She is two years and 3 months old now. So where did she pick these up? No animals come in here. She has never had fleas. WTF? Seriously. Also, EWWWWW. Waiting for vet to call back to see if they will give her something now or I need to wait til her yearly checkup in early October. Apparently it’s not an immediate emergency, but EWWWWWWWWWWWW. Why yes, I am a teensy bit creeped out. Why do you ask?


I keep reading about people not getting vac’d due to this, that, or the other reason. Religion, body autonomy, whatever. Fine. Don’t get vaccinated (or wear a mask) if you think it’s not right for you. On the other hand, don’t go out. Don’t put yourself in proximity of anyone else. Your rights end when they intrude on the rights of others to not die of a preventable illness because YOU don’t want to get vaccinated or wear a mask. Your right to spout hate ends when you do it in MY business or home or church. Your rights are not greater than my rights not to be exposed to illness or hate speech or violence just because you think it’s your right to spread them. Please grow up.

When Obama was running against McCain, I saw on tv a woman expressing to McCain how she didn’t trust Obama because she thought he was a Muslim and not a good person. McCain said the he knew Obama well, that Obama is not a Muslim and is a good man. The woman said she was still not sure about that. If you don’t believe the person who knows, the one you plan to actually vote for, or the scientist who has the facts, but believe Fox News or random people on Facebook, I am pretty sure you are beyond hope. It’s called being brainwashed, I think. Or like being in a cult, where you only believe that one leader and nothing and no one else, regardless of how bizarre what he wants you to believe actually is. It saddens me that my countrymen have fallen for this.

Another New Favorite Quote

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Don Miguel Ruiz

I am going to try the Elavil again. I cannot get past feeling like crap all the time. Just one good day here and there, but noooo. No good days. None good days. WTF? And my homemaker, who I depend on to do the things I cannot do, is crap at her job. Very nice person, but cleaning isn’t something she seems at all familiar with. Wonder what her own house looks like? I do not have the energy to micromanage her. Just do the damn job already. Sheesh!

Gorgeous, gorgeous weather, cool, breezy, sunny. If I had an outside, I’d definitely be there.

Miss G resting last night. NOT stuck, as I first thought. Just chilling. Weird cat is weird.


It’s the first day of meteorological autumn. My favorite season.

My brain is still drain. Not sure why. Am getting out more, being around people more. Not good for thinking? LOL I am thinking, though. Thinking I am getting concerned again about the virus. I am torn between wanting to go out and have lunch and shop and whatever, but my friend that I go places is with has become rather cavalier about safety, and does a lot of things with others where no masks are worn. We and her husband are all vaccinated, but we can still get sick and/or make others sick. I think if I get sick again, I may not survive it. I’m not saying I had the virus the first time I was sick, but my symptoms were similar, and I am still not recovered over a year and a half later. Go out, have a life/risk death. Some choice.

DD came down a couple of weeks ago, and we also went to lunch, but at a place with outside dining and fans blowing outside air past us. She is adamant about safety measures. Makes me happy. I see so many people not wearing masks in stores. Unless I am actively eating, I wear my mask all the time. I am starting to dread winter, being shut in and alone again, with dark days and nobody to talk to. Bah. Also, humbug. It is what it is, and I will get through it. I always do. If I don’t get sick. 😦