What fun.  Today the chest pain is worse, though still not terrible, and breathing is difficult.  Called doctor, not in til Wednesday, so upped my Prednisone to previous level.  Do NOT want to go through that again.

Rained, finally.  Poured, actually.  It was gorgeous.  We really needed rain, it’s been very dry here since January.  Most unusual winter I’ve ever seen, and I hope it’s not a harbinger of what is to come, just an anomaly.  Time will tell.

Nurse is coming shortly.  Post again when I’m up for it.  Thanks for reading, everyone.  I know it’s not terribly interesting of late.

Feeling better, slowly.  Had a nice birthday Friday.  Lovely phone chats with both DDs, and my friend Tess came over and spent the afternoon with me.  I can eat again, and was thinking of fish and chips, she volunteered and actually went to pick up an order for me.  Tasty.  Haven’t had fish and chips in some time, but the point is….how lucky am I to have a friend like that?  Very, I’d say.  I was very, very tired that day, but still managed to have a lovely time.

I’ve cut back the Prednisone, as per doctor’s orders, and am seeing him again Friday for more blood tests.  I’m hoping less Prednisone doesn’t mean the pain comes back, which it did briefly yesterday, but not today.  Wait and see, I guess. Nothing much else going on, just slowly getting better.

Here I am again.  I have been quite ill with pleurisy and inflammatory something or other, with lots of pain and meds and sheesh!  Slowly getting better, I think.  Can only be out of bed for short periods of time.  Lots of sleeping going on.  Lots of fluids, not much eating.  Not my most fun time, but doable.  Like I had a choice.  It was nice having people over to look after me for four days last week, and my friend Tess did triple duty with looking after me, driving me to the doctor’s, and picking up scrips for me.  Then my homemaker, Traci, who did more than called for, and my great kid Kris, who came twice, cleaned, cooked, and shopped for me.  It was quite hard to adjust when it was just me.  I hadn’t realized how much I repressed my feelings about being alone most of the time.  I’m hoping with the new doctor and all, I will be able to get better in general.  He already upped my thyroid meds, as I wasn’t taking enough.  I’m hoping he can help me if my sleep scheduled gets messed up again, too.  A good doctor.  Not as  common as you may think, I fear.  Anyway, here I am today, but still recovering, so may not be back for awhile.

HA!  Been having lots of body pain, and the pleurisy pain has not gone away, just kept under control by the vicodin, which is all gone, and fake excedrin really doesn’t do the trick.  Too much pain and too fatigued to function, really, so dishes are piling up, food isn’t getting prepared, things are going to hell, as they tend to do when you’re ill.  I remember how lovely it was those two days I was ordered to rest and take the vicodin.  No pressure.  No need to struggle every moment to cope.  So about three days ago, I decided to revisit that (without the vicodin, unfortunately) and just give up.  Quit trying.  Quit struggling.  Just accept that I can’t cope and let it go.

However, I am apparently too pigheaded to just give up, so I spent the past two and a half days trying to convince myself to call my youngest DD and ask it she would come look after me for a few days til I see the new doctor Wednesday.  Asking for help is really, really hard for me because I didn’t/couldn’t go help my mother when she need it, and so I feel like I don’t deserve to have help for myself.  I know I could not have gone there and been of any use, because the trip and the stress of being in the place where I grew up in hell would have completely fried my being.  But still…..guilt is guilt.

Then today, I had this lovely comment on my Sleep post from a few days ago, and it made me feel so much better, I picked up the phone and called my kid and she is coming down tomorrow.  Oh, happy day.  Wasn’t sure if she would want to, but she kind of gave me a hard time for not calling sooner.  How lucky am I?  I have great kids.  Really, I do.  They never fail to surprise me and make me proud, even when I know I don’t deserve anything from them at all.

Out of steam, but thank you to the commenter who made the difference.  You never know, right?  And thanks to my great kids. 

Didn’t get to sleep til daylight was broad, but awoke at 10:15, and had slept enough, it seems.  Having some pain lower down in my lungs today, not bad, but I really need to see a doctor.  Finding a new doctor is NOT easy.  Hardly anyone local is taking new patients, and those that are have no available info that I can find.  I’d like to at least have some idea of who I’ll be trusting my health to.

It’s a gorgeous sunny day.  The flowers on the trees across the street are still looking lovely, no sign of leaves peeking through yet.  Some years the flowers last for quite some time, others for just a few days.  Never in my twelve years here have they bloomed in March.  This has been a very unusual year, weather-wise.  My friend Tess was over yesterday and we watch an old movie from the thirties.  It had a very snowy New York City in it, and we reminisced about the olden days.  You know, the ones where we had snow and all as well.  We are very hilarious.  Yes.  Yes we are.  To each other, at least.

So DD has convinced me to try a wheat-free diet.  Not sure of all the details yet, but she swears by it, and I’m willing to try almost anything to have some semblance of a normal life, although whenever I mention ‘normal’ in connection with myself, my friends tend to have fits of giggling.  Well, really!

Today is the local election, and I am just getting my absentee ballot mailed.  I think it still counts.  Voting matters.  It’s people not voting over the last couple of decades that has allowed the religious fanatics to co-opt our government.  Not going to go there, however, cause it makes me crazy just thinking about the state my country is in.

Much better.  Pretty much slept except for the odd hour or two here and there, from Thursday afternoon til Sunday morning.  Awake all day yesterday, but in bed by 8 and asleep soon after.  Cut down to one vicodin at a time yesterday, so just drowsy, not falling asleep.  A little residual pain now and then, but it’s almost gone.  Just tired, not much energy at all.  Pain – coping with pain – takes it out of you, that’s for sure.

One thing I observed yesterday was that I did not feel like I was struggling.  I always have pain somewhere in my body.  Always. I am always tired, no energy.   I always feel like I’m struggling to cope with it, not let it get me down, and with the effects of pain – remembering what I need to do, what pills I need to take when, what day is it and is it homemaker day.  Is there food I need to do something with before it goes off? Can I muster up the energy to do whatever it is I need/want to do?   All the things you aren’t even consciously aware of when you’re healthy, become obstacles to be dealt with when you aren’t.  Life is a constant struggle to deal, to cope, to manage, to not give in and give up.  And those few days with the vicodin and being ordered to just rest by the ER doctor, I didn’t have to struggle.  If felt so freeing and I was so relaxed and just here.  I quite enjoyed that. I did kind of daydream about how great it would be to have someone to take care of me.  Make sure I took my meds on time, made the meals and cleaned up after, took care of all the details of daily living.  Not gonna happen, but fun to think about.

I have a new favorite quote, from fanfiction about Sherlock Holmes.

A man could endure anything if he lived without expectations.  Doctor John Watson

I agree.  This is the way I live.  No expectations.