>I had a good day today. Balanced my checkbook, sorted through paperwork, filed, did some cleaning (minor, very minor), and found this video. It’s so darn cute, even if it is a commercial.

>http://wbads.vo.llnwd.net/o25/u/telepixtv/ellen/us/video/player/embed.swf

>
Saw doctor yesterday for the followup. Blood pressure down considerably, gave more blood to check thyroid levels, discussed leg pain and what to do about it. Getting a stronger pain med. Yay. He thinks the pain in my lower leg and foot is unrelated to the knee arthritis, but instead is caused by the sciatic nerve. Can do more in depth tests, but I’m not up for that right now. Also will see orthopedic surgeon down the line for knee evaluation.

I told him that for ten years I’ve been telling my doctors that there is something with my thyroid, and he is the first one who did not continually dismiss me. As a result of him listening, I am now noticeably, demonstrably better. My brain works. I have mental energy and a bit of physical energy. He was a little taken aback that I specifically thanked him for listening and acting on my concerns. He high-fived me, which was kind of cute. I guess I’ll keep him. LOL

Feeling crappy today, but unrelated to illness. And my brain works. I am not a lethargic blob on the couch anymore. I am happy.

>

After falling back asleep yesterday and sleeping all afternoon, I am having a good day again, except for pain. Today it’s my back. At least there is variety, right? LOL

You can tell spring is about to spring. Bright, bright sunny day. Cold, still, but sunshine makes up for it. Trying to organize self for homemaker. It’s Tuesday.

>But this guy sure is. I really hope the idiots who voted in the Rebublicans are happy with what they’ve done….NOT!

>
I’ve been taking the thyroid med for several weeks now. I am not foggy at all, ever. Clear mind. I have mental energy, and even a bit of physical energy. I’m still in a lot of pain, but it’s more the leg thing than fibro pain.

Just to make sure I’m not imagining this, I resolved to take a week off from the meds. By the sixth day, brain-fog, lethargy, feeling awful, were all back. Very interesting.

I know I have fibro. When I was diagnosed, all 18 points were extremely painful. I wonder, however, if any doctor had listened to me about the thyroid thing, if I wouldn’t have been better able to cope all these years. This doctor is the first who ever paid attention, and gave me the choice to try the meds or not. He’s the first who ever specifically said I have mild hypothyroidism, although I’ve been getting the same test results for years.

I guess it pays to find the right doctor. This one I found by default. All four of the other doctors I’ve had since I moved here have left their practices and moved on to other places and/or jobs. One left to stay home as she was pregnant and already had a disabled child. Anyway, this last one was the only one taking new patients AND my insurance at the same time.

Just luck that I finally found one who listened. He’s not perfect, and Doctor Welby was only a figment of someone’s imagination, but I am better, thanks to him. Actually, tangibly, demonstrably better. Is demonstrably an actual word? Do I care? LOL

So I have decided to stop focusing on all the things that are going wrong in my country, and just focus on being better and enjoying my life.

Part of me wants to be angry, and protest, and sign petitions, and at least try to contribute in some way to get us back on a sane track here, but I’m only one sick and aging woman, and the fight is going to have to get along without me. I doubt anyone will notice. LOL

It’s like recycling. I try to be a responsible person. Recycling, disposing of things properly, trying to keep my electricity usage down. Being a good citizen. But now I’m ill, and pretty much isolated and unable to get around freely. So I have a basket of ten years worth of used batteries, cause you don’t throw batteries in the trash, they need proper disposal. I don’t recycle, cause there’s no facility for it where I live, and no way to get to a recycling station.

For years, I felt guilty over this. I know people who don’t give a fig for social responsibility. Who wouldn’t recycle if someone came and did it for them, cause they just don’t care enough. I’m not going to feel guilty for any of it anymore. I do what I can. That’s all I can do, and I can’t blame myself for the rest. When I could, I did. That’s all I can ask of myself, right?

So let go of the anger, let go of the guild, let go of the self-bashing. I didn’t choose illness, it was foisted upon me by the fates, or the universe, or some sort of infection I didn’t know I had, or whatever. Doesn’t matter. I’m ill, that’s it, and I just want to have the best life I can within those confines. If someone figures this out someday and finds what to do about it, I will be overjoyed. But until then, I’m just doing the best I can, every day.

Examples of my life, anyone? Let’s see. I have neatly folded laundry in the bedroom that’s been sitting there for three weeks, because I didn’t have the energy or enough pain-manageable time to put it away. I forgot I was putting water in the sink one day, and the sink ran over and I had a minor flood in the kitchen, followed by wet towels in the tub til my homemaker came and did laundry. My dishwasher developed a leak in a connection under the sink and everything got soaked. So I had to remove everything, toss some stuff, which is sitting waiting for my homemaker to come on Tuesday and take the trash out and the rest of the stuff is all over the kitchen floor drying out and being in my way. I have a very, very small kitchen so this is not a good thing. There are ‘items’ all over the table than I need to deal with. Vitamins to be taken, a few things that need to be put where they belong. I did manage to sort out the paper that was on there. Same with the bedroom dresser. Things need to go where they belong instead of just put there because I cannot manage more than that. I have food in the frig that never gets eaten because I can’t manage to prepare it and rely on cereal and frozen dinners.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am not coping well in spite of being better. It’s all down to the pain. Pain makes every movement difficult, every action fatiguing, and just wears you down in general. Trying to cope with pain is a full-time job.

Okay, I think I’ve worn my brain out. Not sure I’ve ever done this long a post, but my brain is working and I had things to say. Yay, me. And spring is coming, people. Woo hoo.

>Seriously.

>
The comments have some excellent points as well. I especially like and agree with ‘You wouldn’t go to a doctor….”. and “As a man who grew up in a…”

I hope you read this and learn something from it.

http://www.afterelton.com/pigeonguts/02-16-2011

>
I saved this a while back and just got around to reading it. I thought it was interesting, and another look at the secret world of government. Not in a scary way. Much, anyway. LOL Ironically, I think, a friend and I were discussing his paintings the other day. I could dip Gertrude’s paw in paint and get the same results Pollock did. y/n? Srsly, folks. Here’s the article:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/modern-art-was-cia-weapon-1578808.html

>I just found it on The Daily What:

http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1&isUI=1

>

I added a few sites, in case you’re interested. Mostly ‘of the day’s. I am having a good day for a change. Slept well, up at 9am. Yay, me. Today I am going to work in the kitchen. It is just too small and set up so that everything is inconvenient. I am going to try to fix that, but am not holding my breath it will work. It wasn’t designed for small appliances, like microwave, toaster oven, mixer, etc. There’s really not enough counter space for them, but they have to go somewhere.

I don’t use the mixer a lot, but it’s heavy, and hauling it around not fun, so it’s best on the counter. I use the microwave and toaster oven a lot. Why use the oven if I can cook something in the toaster oven? Besides, it makes great toast.

Of course, the longer I sit here, the less I’m getting done.

One more thing: I learned this from the internet.

The US has three million people in jail. No society in history has imprisoned more of its population. This is apparently due to the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. This says that after two crimes, your third one, regardless of its severity, gives you life in prison. Two examples: One man is serving two twenty-five year terms for stealing nine videos. Another is serving twenty-six years for stealing four chocolate chip cookies. This sounds unbelievable, and I don’t swear to it’s accuracy. One in 30 males between 20 and 34 years old are in prison. One in NINE black males of the same age are in prison. More young black men are in jail than in college. Prisoners are forced to work for 25 cents an hour or be put into solitary confinement. More than one in 100 Americans are in prison. That’s more than ten percent. A higher percentage than any other country in the world. Think what you will about this, people. I know what I think, and it’s not “Oh, boy, we must have a really good system of justice here.”

>
My day, that is. I woke up angry. Yes, I know it’s after 3pm, but I woke up at 3pm because my sleep schedule is so messed up. I’m not sure I have enough energy anymore to spend some of it being angry. But believe me, I really am angry. I am angry at the religious right tea part morons who voted in people, some of whom have more money than god, and who don’t want the taxes on all that money raised, because OMG how will they manage? But who see no problem with cutting off supplemental heating assistance, medical care, rental assistance, and every other service people like me need to survive. People who aren’t richer than god, who weren’t born into wealth, who didn’t acquire their wealth by stepping on and cheating everyone they possibly could. I worked my entire life. Not always in paid jobs, but I worked. I didn’t loll around eating bon-bons, and living off my parents money. I struggled for everything I’ve ever had, and I’ve never had very much. Actually, I’ve never needed or wanted very much, but that’s not the point.

That wonderful president Ronald Reagan (does anyone remember the ‘trickle down’ theory?), who was so great we should put his face on Mount Rushmore according to some, was the one who pushed deregulation, which meant companies buying up other companies until we are reaching the point where a few companies have power over everything we buy, use, need. Monopolies are never a good idea, people. Freedom of choice does not exist under monopoly systems. He also started the whole thing with ‘outpatient’ care for the mentally ill, and emptied out the hospitals where they were cared for. Homeless problem, anyone? Now, they have nowhere to go, but good grief, we don’t want to actually see them, so what to do?

We pay sports and tv and movie people obscene amounts of money, but we resent every dollar those who teach our children receive. We grab for more and more profit, and less and less quality. Virtually everything we buy is made in China. So what are the people who used to produce those things in our own country doing? Well…they are having their homes foreclosed, their medical care taken away, their ability to provide for their families destroyed. But somebody, you know…somebody who ‘matters’, and for somebody who ‘matters’ read ‘somebody who already has enough money for several lifetimes’, because they are the ‘elite’ and better than the rest of us, anyway, those somebodys are getting even richer on the backs of those who used to have jobs that made the products right here in the USA.

I do not understand what has gone wrong. How so many people can be so deluded by greed and avarice and discrimination and homophobia into turning against their own best interests. I do, however, understand those who are manipulating them so adroitly. Oh, yeah. I really, really do.

See, it takes a lot of energy to be this angry. I just don’t have that many spoons on any given day anymore. Anyone with chronic illness should know what ‘spoons’ refers to, but in case you don’t, here’s the link:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

Thought number two:
I have a memory foam mattress. It seems to make things worse, and I’m wondering if anyone else has one and what their take on it is.

Thought number three: I don’t know what to do about the sleep thing. I really only have to be up and presentable by a specific time on one day a week. I don’t know if I should keep trying to get my sleep schedule normalized (I’ve been trying my entire life, but it’s much harder since I’ve been ill. I am just not a morning person and I never have been.) or just go with the flow except for that one day I can’t. I’ve tried the whole ‘get up at the same time everyday regardless’, but I can’t stay awake or if I can, I am virtually non-functional, i.e. making coffee with no water in the machine, or no coffee, or no carafe to catch it as it comes pouring out. Putting the kettle on to make instant oatmeal, but not actually putting any oatmeal in the bowl, and forgetting the kettle til the bottom turns black. Had to buy a whistling tea-kettle after that. And that’s just breakfast. How do I cope with this? How do I manage? It’s not getting better. Let’s face it. I’m getting older and while I blame all my problems on illness, I’m sure just the natural progression of years comes into play. I am not coping well. Not even a little bit, and I don’t know what to do. Everything thing I’ve tried throughout the almost fourteen years I’ve been ill has failed in the end. One good day in a row. Believe me, it can get you down.

I don’t want sympathy, or pity. I want somebody to fix this, damnit! Fix me. I’m tired of being the needy one. The incapable one. The alone 99 per cent of the time one. I used to have a life. I want it back, please. I want to have a garden again, and be able to garden in it. I want to cook. Okay, I don’t want to clean the toilet, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue. LOL Guess I’m done with The Rant For Today. I’m sure there will be more tomorrow.
Thank you for reading.

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It’s short. I just read the transcript, didn’t watch the vid. He says things I agree with. It’s a good thing. http://techpp.com/2011/02/11/awe-inspiring-speech-by-steve-jobs-at-stanford-in-2005/

On the illness front, I have been wallowing. Too much pain for too long. I started to feel like I’d just quit. Just given up and stopped caring. Can’t sleep, can’t stay awake, can’t do what I need to do. let alone what I want. So let’s just lay on the couch and play on the laptop. I have a lot of things to read on here.

Then last night, that little spark flared up and determination to overcome filled me up. I will take the knockout pill, I will get up at a decent hour, I will not sit on the couch with the cat and the laptop all day. I will prevail. Yes.

So I took the pill, went to bed between one and two am, and woke up at six. Wide awake. Got up. Pain, pain, pain and more pain. So I’ve spent the day on the couch with the cat and the laptop. I just can’t win.

>

>It’s been a tough week. I think I said that already. But today, for the first time ever, I asked my homemaker to load the dishwasher and put the laundry on the drying rack. It feels like such a defeat. Like I am such a loser. One more step down the road to being a useless blob on the couch. One more ‘I can’t do that’ moment. It makes me feel very sad.

After my husband left, I would go to the doctor whenever I thought I was sick, because I had to take care of myself. If I lost my independence, I’d be screwed. Then I got really sick and lost my independence. No more job, no more life. Just getting through the pain each day, waiting for a day I had a bit of energy, just waiting. Like living in limbo.

I was talking to a friend about organizing my kitchen. Getting rid of things I no longer use. But if I get rid of some things, it means I’ll never do the job they are meant for again. I will have to acknowledge that that part of my life is gone and I will never get it back.

Okay, I’ve been up all night and I’m tired, and that makes everything seem worse than it is. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between ‘tired’ and ‘depressed’. Today, I think I’m both. I feel beaten. I don’t like it.

>
Tried to fix the weird video-ness in the last post, but no luck. Anyone have a solution? The embed code is different from YouTube’s, and when I tried to make it more like YouTube’s, it wouldn’t work at all.

Having a better day. Not nearly as much pain as this entire past week. Yay. So what did I do instead of what I should do? Of course. I fixed my desktop, which has not been able to connect since October. I downloaded every driver on the Dell site that applied, and installed them one at a time. After a while, I looked down at the task bar and saw the infamous yellow ‘you have ten bazillion updates’ icon. Well, there were only 76, and then there were several (a lot) more after that. But she’s working fine now. I have been setting up my Firefox the way I like it, and signing in to things here and there. I get to be online while sitting in my swivel chair. Yay, although being online while curled up on the couch with the cat and my blankie is pretty great too. LOL It feels good to feel good. I’m telling you, people. Not pain-free, but good.

>http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/emp/external/player.swf

>I’ve had one. Lots of pain, screwed up sleep again, getting nothing done. Even my fingers hurt yesterday. I keep hoping to get some semblance of a routine, but it just is not possible. I don’t know why I torture myself over the sleep thing. I could just go with the flow and sleep when I’m sleepy and be awake when I’m not, but then I’m usually awake at night and asleep during the day and I want it to be the other way around. Why can’t I make that happen? I get really frustrated with myself over it. I wish I could figure out what to do, but so far nothing I’ve tried has worked. I can keep a good routine going for one day in a row. That’s it.

Night before last, I could not sleep, then I slept all day. Then I was up for a couple of hours and back to sleep for three or four hours. Awake four hours, back to sleep for twelve hours. So now I am wide awake and it’s 1am. Which means I’ll need to sleep tomorrow during the day. Sometimes I just want to scream.

>

>Today is an all pain, all over, kind of day. Just been playing on computer, trying not to move more than absolutely necessary, cause it HURTS. Every move. My fingers even hurt. Hope a good night’s sleep will make tomorrow a better day.