Rambling

My new homemaker came for the second time.  She is out doing the shopping.  I realized I am feeling anxious and sad, I think.  Why?  I think it’s because everytime a new person comes, I have to start all over with explaining myself, or going through it all again and I always feel like they’re thinking, ‘You look fine.  Why aren’t you doing this yourself?’.  Maybe I can do it myself, but then when I can’t, and I have to ask them to do it, it will not be a part of the job they are accustomed to doing, and they will resent it and  me, so I explain that just because I’m good today doesn’t mean I’ll be good tomorrow or next week and on and on and on.  It’s that invisible illness thing where you really do look okay, and there’s no way to prove that you’re not, or that you won’t be, so you’re always trying to justify yourself.  I hate this.  I don’t get a choice, though, so it’s something I have to go through.  She is the fifth person, including two fill-ins, since the beginning of June.  It was nice having someone who knew me, and knew what I could and couldn’t do, and just did what needed to be done without any explanation or direction on my part.  Eight years is a long time to have the same homemaker, I know, and I did realize how lucky I was.  It’s just hard to readjust, even though I knew it would happen sometime.

It’s a beautiful and chill autumn day.  North wind was blowing straight in the windows and I had to close them earlier or freeze.  I had them open all night and it was fine, but today, the wind changed, and brrrr.  🙂  I love autumn, especially the not hot and sticky part.

Have to admit I am feeling anxious about the election.  I do not watch regular tv.  I do not.  All I know is what I see on social media, and what I see is not looking good.  Part of me is all, ‘It can’t happen.  Orange gas-bag man cannot win.’, and part of me is afraid that he might.  I think I will just hibernate for a couple of days after the election, so the major hullabaloo over the results will be over by the time I fire up the computer again.  I hope.  I know when Obama ran the first time, I did not watch anything until later the day after the result was in, because if it was bad news, I just did not want to know.  I still am completely flummoxed by my countrymen.  Some are threatening to prevent people from voting.  This is the USA, not communist Russia.  How can this be seriously contemplated?  I don’t know what’s gone wrong, but it is major.  All the hateful, homophobic, mysogynistic, zenophobic morons have only been pretending all these years it seems, and now Trump has given them permission to show their true selves again.  This is just horrific.  Horrific.  I like people.  Individual people here and there.  But as a species, we are the worst thing to ever happen to this planet and every other species that’s inhabited it alongside us.  We are even worse to one another.  I don’t get it, it just horrifies me, who we are.

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