Better Today

Somewhat. My wonderful homemaker came and completely redid the bedroom by herself. In about half an hour. I used to be able to do that. Not part of her job description, either. I did not realize how much it being such a mess was messing with my head. Also, sometimes just writing about it when things feel like they’re going south can really help. When you get things out, through talking or writing, they lose power over you. Learned that in therapy. Therapy was good, mainly because I eventually found a really good therapist, who actually helped. Just cause they have a degree doesn’t mean they have a clue, apparently. Some don’t even have degrees, but are social workers or affiliated with one religion or another. I avoid the latter like the plague, because going to their church isn’t going to fix my life. Sorry, it’s just not. And social workers. I know there are dedicated, caring social workers, but having dealt with more than one in my personal life and my job in the group home, I can tell you that some of them are not qualified to be dog-catchers, let alone deal with people’s lives.

So better, but still having some anger issues, it seems. This is a ‘tell it like it is today’ blog, it seems. Course it may be different tomorrow. But that’s life. It’s an adventure. It’s a good thing. I know I stole that from Martha, but I like it. You can probably tell, since I use it all the time. 🙂

exploding appleGoing to the Genius Bar tomorrow. They sent me a confirmation email for my appointment, which included a suggestion to update. Excuse me? Updating is what did it in. Updating borked it. It’s still under warranty, so they’d better darn well fix it. You can’t call yourself geniuses if your product borks itself doing an update. How many Microsoft updates have I done over the years, and none of them killed the machine. I am so disappointed with Apple. I won’t be buying anything in their store, for sure.

Trying To Work It Out

I am a verbal person. I work things out in my head by talking about them. It seems to sort my thoughts better, and brings up insights into things I am puzzling over, or brings up things I didn’t even know where hiding in there. But there is really no one to talk to anymore. Everyone I know has their own issues to deal with. Maybe I need therapy again. Anyway, what I’m getting at is I am trying to figure out what is going on right now. I have had several crap days in a row, and I really don’t know why. I wake up every day not wanting to be awake. Not wanting to face my life. Not wanting to be alone yet again. Not wanting to have to accept that I can’t. ‘Can’t’ whatever it is I want to ‘can’. Not buy food only to have it sit there because I can’t prepare it. Not have the bedroom be a total disaster because I can’t get it organized and put things where I want them and try yet again to make the bed something I can actually sleep on.

So I spend the day sleeping, on here, or reading on my Kindle. That world on the kindle is much more interesting than mine. It has people, too. People who care about each other. People who don’t just forget you are alive. I have just totally, completely, crashed, and I don’t know why. I had a good day out, followed by a pain day, and then it’s just been downhill from there.

I will snap myself out of it, sooner or later. I always do. Something inside of me just gets tired of feeling like crap all the time and says, “Enough, already.” Today would be a good day for that. The thing is, around about 11pm, I start to really wake up and have a bit of energy, and want to get up and do stuff, but it’s 11pm, and I don’t want to be noisy, and part of me is saying it’s 11pm, you should be thinking about sleep, not rearranging the bedroom. I’m not even sure I CAN rearrange things. Well, not so much rearrange, as I want to take the mattress off the bed and put the memory foam under it and then replace the mattress, and I don’t know if I can. And it would probably be noisy and disturb my loud-music neighbor, which I don’t want to do.

Wow, this is kind of ‘poor me’ whiny stuff, isn’t it. I do try not to go there, but sometimes you just have to do what you just have to do, right?

What you all are thinking right now:
poor me

Probably should have titled this ‘Depression Post’, but I didn’t think of it til now and I’m not going back up to change it. So there. 🙂

Oh, Well.

I am not having the best day ever, so probably not wise to rant, but what the hey, right?

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.” — Gandhi

Hobby Lobby and the Constitution

I am truly puzzled. I remember 9/11. I remember that it was religious fanatics who were behind it. I remember the Taliban, and Jihadists and all that. What I don’t understand is how that gave rise to the exact same fanaticism here in this country. What is with all the religious umbrage going on? Do they not connect themselves and their ‘everyone must behave according to MY beliefs’ agenda, to the same agenda held by people of a different religion, i.e. Islam, that was behind so much tragedy in the world? Can anyone explain this to me, because I really, really do not get it. (By the way, has no one heard of The Inquisition?)

Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.

I am not religious. From my point of view, religion has caused more death and destruction and persecution than any other factor on the planet. But I don’t tell anyone else that they CAN’T be religious. I don’t force them to stop going to church, or worshiping whomever it is they choose to worship. Even if it’s The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I don’t lobby to outlaw communion wafers. Believe what you want. I really don’t give a damn. Just do NOT try to force ME to live MY life according to those beliefs. That is not your right. Freedom OF religion is also freedom FROM religion. I keep my atheism out of your life (unless you read my blog), so keep your religion out of mine. Please. Sheesh!

When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

Bishop Desmond Tutu (b. 1931) spiritual leader,activist, writer

My Mac and My Plan

Followed my plan today by getting up at 9am. End of plan, but only because I went out with my friend Tess. Since we were going out anyway, she suggested I take my mac to Best Buy, where I bought it, and see if they could help with the no-booting problem. Why, yes, they can. For $279.00 up front. I’m sorry? So called Apple support again when we got home, and after valiantly trying everything and researching more, the guy could not get any further than I did. So have to take it to the Apple store in Providence, or a service shop in Bellingham (I would have to pay, there), so no easy fix for me. ‘It just works’ until it doesn’t. I never had this problem with Windows. I’ve always been able to find something that worked. I am so disappointed with Apple. I thought it was supposed to be better. Oh, well.
Now I have to go ask my neighbor to turn down her freaking music or I am going to call the cops. I am a patient, don’t like to make waves person, but seriously. Plus, she’ll probably be crocked, cause that’s who she is, so I am not looking forward to this. But hey, I followed my plan for one morning in a row. It’s a good thing, right? >Two ThingsWhew. She turned it off while I was looking for an image to illustrate this post. Yay.

A Blustery Day

In the neighborhood.  Wind blew quite hard all night and today.  Hardly any snow, though, and what there was, blew away.  I enjoyed it. 

Another pain and sleep day.  I’m hoping that when I’m finally done with the prednisone, I won’t be in pain all the time again, because that just sucked!  Time will tell. 

I have made a new plan.  I make new plans at least twice a month, but they never come to anything because as soon as I’ve made one, I am up all night and sleep all day, or have more pain and cannot function even more than I already can’t function.  I think my body does not like plans.  I never give up trying, though.  I am the definition of crazy, apparently.  You know, keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.I used to have a plan when I was married.  Monday do this, Tuesday that, so I never even had to think about it or forget something important.

Not having any control over your own body is not fun.  Can’t sleep when I want, or get up when I want, or do what I want when I want. I must be pretty adaptable, though, cause I haven’t run screaming into the night.  Yet.  If I could run.  Which I can’t. I can barely walk some days.  Somehow, writing all this down is very amusing.  ?????? ☺

There was a bad fire in Boston today, and two firefighters were killed.  Very sad. We were lucky that everyone got out when we had the fire in January, because I think it was a close call.  Brave men and women who look out for us.

Trees of More

Tried to zoom and crop and all that jazz, but it didn’t really work. However, on this one, when I crowpid.wp.1395811391684pped it, you can really see that the tree looks kind of bushy, not just bare branches.

Truth, this is the weather radar from a few minutes ago. I don’t live where the mark is, btw. It has started to very lightly snow, but the wind has really picked up. They may get hurricane force winds on the Cape, and are supposed to get a lot of snow there. I love winter. I don’t have to shovel. LOL

Slept during the day, so up all night it is. I have such an interesting life. Having coffee. I like coffee.

Trees and Other Nonsense

Today has been a pain day.  No reason that I’m aware of.  There never is really, unless I’ve


actually done something real life-ish the day before.  Didn’t, yesterday.  Feeling kind of down, alone and lonely, I guess, and being unable to do much due to the pain just makes it worse.  That’s my life.  The part of the day I wasn’t sleeping, I called a friend, canceled an appointment, ate twice (leftovers from ordering in last night), and read.  Have some calming new-agey type music on the cable music stations.  Mesmerizing.  I like to listen to it when I read. No actual tune to distract you.  Just lovely sound in the background.  It’s really the only good thing about comcast.  LOL
Tried to capture the sun on the tips of the branches the other day, but need a better camera.  The tips were sort of white, indicating to me that something is changing.  Today the the trees were looking like they are starting to just push out the beginnings of leaves.  I noticed awhile back that some trees were showing color, indicating the sap is starting to rise.  Spring has sprung.  Of course, we are going to be on the edge of a snow nor’easter tomorrow, but still…it’s March. 🐣

Rambling (What Else?) And My MacBook Pro

Do you know there are people who post to their blogs Every. Single. Day. I am not one of those people. Obviously. Some days, I don’t even turn the computer on. I know. Crazy me.

I had a pretty good day Wednesday, after several not-so-good ones. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher! Woo Hoo. I think I may have cooked something minor, like a grilled-cheese. I think. Then I wasted most of my good day with trying, for about the fifth time, to get my Mac to boot. Yes, I have a Mac. For about a year. Very steep learning curve after years with Windows, and due to feeling like crap most of the time, I haven’t even turned it on since October. Then I did. UPDATE it says. I do. REBOOT it says. Therein lies the gist of the problem. It will not reboot. I googled. Not just my issue, been a problem for at least a couple of years with people. Tried every single fix I could find. Hold these keys, power on, release keys when such and such shows up. YES! Such and such. Thank you. But nooooo. Such and such wants me to choose something from a blank page. Excuse me? There’s nothing to choose. Try many times. Rinse. Repeat. (I’d like to rinse the damn thing, let me tell you!) Googled, other people have THIS problem as well. Try a different thing. YES! Got to another place. Pick me, pick me. I pick it. This disk is locked, it says. Days of this crap. Call Apple support. YES! er, no. They hang up on me about thirty seconds in, before I get anywhere at all. THEN they send me a lovely ‘thank you for contacting us’ email. WHAT? Whatting the What What? (Stole that)

it just worksSomeone quoted something that I also said when I first got mine, ‘It just works.’ I said that. Really, I did. Except now it doesn’t. This isn’t WINDOWS. It is supposed to work. Sheesh Louise!

A Puzzlement

this closeIf a famous person and a not-famous person commit the same wrong, should the punishment be different for the famous person, as in not as severe, because the consequences in general will be worse for them? Hit to their career, bad publicity, etc. Shouldn’t the consequences be relative? If I am famous, the consequences are greater because I am famous. They are less if I am not, because I have less out there to be impacted. I just had a discussion/argument with someone who seems to think that the famous should receive less punishment from the law because the other consequences will be greater than for the not-famous person. Shouldn’t we all be treated the same? No, because we are not the same. Our circumstances are different. I am having trouble wrapping my head around this attitude, because consequences are just that, consequences. If yours are greater than mine, it’s because you had more to lose in the first place. Am I making sense at all? If you’re famous, you have more to lose, and losing some of it is part of the consequences of your action. You should not be treated differently because of it, should you? This is one of those arguments that just boggle my mind. If one murderer is old and debilitated, they should receive a lighter punishment because they will suffer more in prison than someone who is young and healthy. Well, maybe they should have thought of that before they did whatever it was that got them sent to prison in the first place. Right?

This came about because of a blog post about Oscar Pistorius, which I kind of didn’t understand the point that was trying to be made, so asked someone their opinion of the issue. It is, however, a really good blog.


Would you cover for a friend who did something wrong? By covering for that person, allowing him/her to avoid the consequences of their actions, doesn’t that kind of make them think that they can avoid the consequences of more serious actions? Depending on the severity of whatever they did, I might not pick up the phone and turn them in, but if asked outright, would I lie for them?

I apply this principle to my children. I will love them no matter what, but if they do something wrong, I will not lie for them, and may possibly turn them in, because they need to learn that there are consequences, and if you do something wrong, you will suffer those consequences. Shouldn’t that apply to everyone, regardless of their station in life? Rich, poor, famous, unknown. If you have more to lose isn’t the problem of anyone but the person who committed the act. Or it shouldn’t be, I think. I’m really interested to hear what other people think about this issue, because I am truly stunned by the opinion of the person I discussed this with.

whatKind of in the same frame, I think, someone said to me a while back that if the prisoners at Guantanamo want to go on a hunger strike, then they should just die from it. Because just the fact that they are there means they are guilty. This person also thinks that if you haven’t got anything to hide, it’s okay for the government to spy on you, and that most of the poor are just abusing the system, and are not really in need. This comes of listening to too much Doctor Laura, I think, although I’ve never listened to her myself, so can’t really say that this is the kind of thing she spouts. I just know this person listens to her all the time. Or did, anyway.

Is it just me? Am I the one with the backward way of looking at things? Is it true that people are poor and needy because they are just lazy, worthless gits? Are the rich and famous entitled to more and better purely because they are rich and famous, regardless of why or how they got to be those things? I wish I’d just stayed in bed today, actually.

So you think your country is bad?

idiotsThis is the kind of thing that goes on in the United States.

American Family Radio guest host calls for left-wing academics to be taken out and shot?

My America gave up the ghost awhile back, I think. It is very depressing, so I try not to read too much about things that make me crazy anymore. I just keep hoping the tide will turn at some point, and people will get their brains back. Not looking good, however. Not looking good at all.

March in New England

weather-icon-set1Two days ago I had the windows open. Yesterday it was almost 60 degrees. Today it is 18 degrees, windy, and snowing. Definitely been a winter. After a few years of less and less snow and cold, it’s kind of nice, but only because I don’t have to shovel or anything. Spring has sprung, in the sense that the trees are coloring, indicating that the sap is rising, but that has to be daylight-related, not temperature-related.

I had a couple of really good days this week, only to be followed by lots and lots of pain and odd-hours sleep. Me and the weather, we can’t seem to get any kind of normal going. At least we’re not boring. I think.

Interesting Article

about language moving on.


I read a lot of fan fiction. A lot of it is written by Brits. They use words differently than we do here in the States. Some things drive me bananas. Toy boy instead of boy toy. A toy boy is a Ken doll, or G I Joe. A boy toy is a boy you mess around with, right? On instead of in. It started with ‘on line’. You are not standing ON a line, you are part of the line, therefore, you are standing IN line. Lately I’ve been seeing it in all kinds of sentences where ‘in’ is the word that’s always been used, but is somehow morphing into on. Just not knowing the proper tenses of some words is another nitpick for me. How many people say ‘he span around’. No, he may have spun around, but span is reach, not the past tense of spin. I have no room to talk, however. I have always read voraciously. In school, if I did not know what a word meant, I would try to figure it out based on the context of the sentence it was in. If I didn’t know how to pronounce it, I would sound it out. Phonetics works, people. Seriously. One word, however, remains to this day a sad indication of my not figuring it out correctly. Subtle. Sub – tel. No, it’s suttle. How am I supposed to know this? So all my life, I thought subtle was one word, and suttle was another. Until it was pointed out to me by a friend, who now likes to remind me of it continuously. It is like our own private little in-joke, only not private, cause every gets to know of my mistake. This makes me laugh. But why is there a silent ‘b’? Who thought this is a good idea? How do people even learn English if it’s not their first language? Read/read. Bow/bow. Bass/bass. Oh, why are you writing the same word twice here? Well, I’m not. They just LOOK the same, are spelled the same, but sound different, and mean different things. How would you know this? I even have to write notes to myself about it. I used to keep a list of books I wanted to read, and marked them ‘read’ after I read them. Then I lost it. When I found it again, I could remember if the ‘read’ was ‘red’ or ‘reed’, so I started to put ‘have read’ and ‘to read’. English IS my first language. It’s also my only language. It’s just not my best language.

What planet are these people from?

Seriously, oh, wait, I have a picture for that:
>Two Things

Here’s what I am referring to, from Daily Kos:

“Ted Cruz says we ‘no longer have a president,’ apparently because Barack Obama is now our dictator”

They will say anything to make Obama look bad, because they just can’t stand that a black man is President. Homophobic, racist, bigoted morons. Why yes, I really don’t like them. Why do you ask?

I Got Stuff Done

Not a lot, I never get a lot done, but I searched around and found out how to add Quick Launch back to the Win7 taskbar, and did that, and then searched some more and found out how to actually add stuff to Quick Launch, and did that. Then I put together my new lift-top coffee table. I’ve been wanting one for a long time, and finally found one that suits me. From Home Depot. Free shipping and all. It is rubberwood. I was not aware things were made from rubber wood after the trees are too old to produce more latex. Sustainable resource. It’s a good thing. And it’s lovely wood, unfinished, and very well made. I only had to put the sides on to the top and the shelf at the bottom. Twelve bolts. The hardest part was not having a ratchet allen wrench. Do they make ratchet allen wrenches? Cause I want one if they do. Would have had it together in a fifth of the time, literally. Trying to get it into the notch and not being able to turn it far each time because stuff in the way really added to the put-together minutes. But it is done, and now I have to wait for enough strength or a helper to turn it right side up, because it’s a lot heavier together than the individual pieces were. Oh, and it came from Viet Nam. There’s a song for that.

Had a very not good night, tired and sleepy, but pain kept me awake. Had a bath, some Tylenol, then slept some this morning, not getting up til my homemaker showed up and rang the buzzer. 1pm. Very foggy and ick for the first hour or so, but much better later, and still. So turned out not a bad day at all. Getting stuff done is always a good thing. I had McD’s fish lunch with coffee, too. Yum. I like their fish sandwich, and have Traci pick one up for me every now and then. McD’s is right next to the grocery store. Handy. LOL They make really good coffee, too. Better than the donut place. You know the one I mean. We used to watch Briscoe County, Jr. There was a joke in every episode, and once, a boy gave Briscoe a bag of donuts. As he left, Briscoe said, “Thanks for the donuts, Duncan”. Made me laugh. Yes. Yes it did. Great cast, too. briscoe

Ho Hum

Cutting down the Prednisone is not going well.  Hobbling around with cane again, sleeping weird hours, just feeling like crap in general.  Doctor wanted me to cut a milligram, but last time I did that was not a happy time.  So I went down a half, just a week ago.  Hoping the body adjusts soon, because not loving this.  Oh, well.

A very nice post about primroses from a lovely blog I enjoy:
Growing Primroses

I always used to buy a couple in February from the grocery store. Brightened up a gray winter. Then I would plant them out in the garden when it warmed up and they would sometimes come up again next year. Lovely, cheery little plants. I like yellow ones. Yellow is good.yellow_primrose_by_dlphnz13

I have decided

to stop being old.  I have been sick, and in pain, and so very, very tired for so very, very long, that ‘old’ has become who I am.  My body doesn’t work anymore.  I can’t do most of the things I used to do.  I sat on the floor a bit ago.  I can’t remember the last time I sat on the floor.  Then I lay down on the floor and read for a bit.  I used to sit and/or lay on the floor all the time.  I sorted papers on the floor.  I sat and read on the floor.  I was comfortable on the floor.  Then my life and my body went to hell and the floor didn’t even occur to me.  So I sat on it today.  I want to sit on the floor all the time.  I want to walk to the library.  I want to do my own shopping.  I want my life back.  Not sure how to make any of that happen, because pain, but I have decided.  I am going to stop being old and start living my life again.  There.  I have spoken.  stop oldold playing