Don’t know how odd it is, but I collect information.  I am an information junkie.  I have a ton of bookmarks, and a ton of hard-copy info on just about any subject you can imagine.  I like to know things, I guess.  🙂

Here is something that bothered me:  “Fans have been criticizing the studio producing the Fantastic Beasts sequel, and J.K. Rowling, for the decision to keep Johnny Depp on the cast in light of allegations of domestic abuse made by his ex-wife Amber Heard. ”

Men are pigs.  I get that.  But allegations are not proof, and what happened to ‘innocent until proven guilty’?  All of a sudden, men everywhere are being condemned, fired, ostracized for things that have been ‘alleged’.  When several women allege something, I tend to believe them, but at the same time, we need to be sure of what we’re doing.

Remember the Daycare Child Abuse craze several years ago.  Ridiculous allegations were brought and people were even imprisoned for things that there was no actual evidence or proof of.  Lives were ruined because of what sounds a lot like some form of mass hysteria.

Maybe I just think too much.  Oh, well.

I used to.  Belonged to all those record clubs (buy one, get 10,00 free).  Well, maybe not 10,000, and not really free.  But when my husband left, he took my records and my record player, among other things, so then later I bought cd’s.  Now I have a bunch of cd’s I never play, because YouTube.  You can find any music on YouTube.

So after moving to 3 mg Prednisone last Wednesday, I went through several days of pain, so much that I cancelled my homemaker yesterday and slept til 3:30 pm.  Much better today.  It takes a while for my body to adjust to the lower dose, and it is not fun during the process.

Went to Thanksgiving dinner at the restaurant with DD2 on Thursday.  Fancy schmancy place  in downtown Providence, not far from Atwell’s Avenue, with the pineapple.

Here’s what I wrote my friend Tess about it.

“Very nice place, attached to the Omni Hotel, across the street from The Providence Journal building.  Very posh, very loud.  Need some sound-proofing tiles or something.  Dinner was good.  Not spectacular, but very good.  Turkey was so-so,  more like processed turkey, but the veg were really good.   Real mashed potatoes, cubed sweet potatoes cooked with something tasty and not completely covered with marshmallow stuff, and green beans perfectly cooked with onions, bacon and sliced toasted almonds. Kris took the leftovers home.  Not the turkey, just the veg. Stuffing good, cranberry sauce had orange and cinnamon, very nice.  We ordered both desserts and split them.  The pumpkin cheesecake was nice, but not really cheesecakey, and the carrot cake was delicious and no nuts, which made Kris happy.

Sorry to say it was my dad when he was drinking.  He was a violent alcoholic, and I was terrified a good deal of the time.  Not-drinking, he was the sweetest, kindest, do anything for you, shy man.  Not really afraid of much now, maybe the thought of some random bug crawling on me.

Turns out I don’t really have any business casual clothes.  After years of just being here by myself and only going out to casual eateries, my wardrobe consists of jeans, sneakers, and tee shirts, pretty much.  No way to go shopping, either.  Maybe I could color my sneakers black with magic markers, but the pants thing doesn’t really have a fix, and I only own one skirt, and there is not top that goes with it.  I am hopeless.  Illness changes your life in ways you don’t even really realize.

Turns out my homemaker is a Muslim, so today we had a very interesting talk about religion and me being atheist and all.  He is very knowledgeable for someone so young, although maybe all Muslims are.  He is the first I have interacted with that I am aware of, and definitely the first I have discussed religion with.  Learned some things, one of which is how alike all major religions are.  How ironic is it that we all share the same basic beliefs, and yet use any small differences as excuses to hate and even murder each other.  You just can’t seem to get past the basic flaw in humanity, which is hate, kill, look down upon any and every one who is not exactly like yourself.  Sad.  If there is a god, and he did create us, either he made a huge error somewhere along the process, or if he made us like himself, he is a very flawed character.  I am happier being atheist.

I did feel it necessary to question one thing.  The Koran seems to condemn homosexuality, like the Bible does.  So if, as he says, the Koran is the last written of the four major books of religion, and the most unchanged and perfect, is it implying that, if god made each of us, that in the case of homosexuals, he made a mistake?  God was wrong?  How can that be if god is omnipotent and perfect and does not make mistakes?  Seems a bit of a contradiction there, at least to me.  He didn’t really have a good rebuttal for that, and I think it made him uncomfortable, which was not my intent, but if I have a question, I’m going to ask it, cause I have no tact, as my friend Beth delights in reminding me frequently.  No tact and no filters.  Religion puzzles me, because it does seem that it used for hate more than for good, in spite of what the religious people would have you believe.  I am proud to be atheist.  I do my best to do the right thing and treat people with kindness and compassion, because it is the right thing to do, not because some religion tells me I should.  If I only do right because I’m afraid of retribution, then I am not really a good person.

Lots to think about.  I do love a good discussion, and very few people seem open to discussing things without getting angry or resentful.  Discussions are not arguments, they are exchanges of views, sometimes heated exchanges, but not angry or malicious exchanges.  We don’t talk enough, we don’t hear other people’s views enough, without our defenses going up.  There’s nothing to defend against.  Your point of view is yours, mine is mine, and I learn from hearing yours, as I would hope you learn from hearing mine.  Doesn’t mean minds are changed, or attempts made to change them.  Okay.  Done.

Okra.  Definitely okra.  Probably liver, too, but definitely okra.  Ick.

Re yesterday’s menu, the only thing on there that I don’t approve of is marshmallows on sweet potatoes.  No. No, no, no.  My dad made the best candied sweet  potatoes, with nary a marshmallow in sight.  He cooked the potatoes, peeled and sliced them, and layered them with butter, maple syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg.  Then he baked them til the top was crispy.  He used a 13×9 pan, cause there were five of us, plus guests.  Too deep and the potatoes don’t get the right finish.  My dad was a fabulous cook, so was his dad.  He even made his own waffle cutter for fries, among other things.  He made a steak roll, with some kind of bread stuffing in it, that was fantastic.  Oh, I must be hungry.  LOL  Lemon meringue pie.  Deep-fried shrimp.  Onion rings.  My mom, on the other hand made pickled watermelon rind, watery spaghetti sauce, other barely edible things, with the occasional spectacular dish, like pot au feu, which was the best thing ever invented in the world.  I make great toast.  I used to cook a lot, and always from scratch, but once I became ill, it sort of fell by the wayside.  I miss cooking sometimes, but it’s just not on, except for the rare good day when everything comes together.  Guess I’m done for now.

I do.

Dumb questions, but trying to get some inspiration here.  Been struggling.  Pain, no energy at all, no motivation, no anything.  Very depressing, when you think about it.  Nothing to do that I am able to do, nothing to look forward to.  Well, this year, surprised the hell out of me, too, DD2 is taking me out for Thanksgiving dinner.  After year after year of turning me down when I asked if she wanted to get together, out of the blue came this. I’ve gotten quite used to spending every holiday alone.

Going to some snaz place in Providence, ‘business casual’ dress.  Bit of anxiety for someone who wears jeans everywhere.  Do I even have any clothes that qualify as ‘business casual’?  The menu lists ‘amuse-bouche’, which shows you it is a fancy restaurant.  LOLOL  Hoping I am good on the day, and DD is in a good mood, because she is fun and a very interesting conversationalist.  We talk about politics, religion, climate change, her weird sister (I know you read this DD1.  🙂 )all the things nobody else I know even wants to touch on.  So that’s something to look forward to, except I don’t really do that because I can never be sure it’s actually going to happen.  I never know til the day, sometimes the hour, if I’m going to be able to do something or not.  So planning ahead isn’t something I usually do.  It’s kind of freeing, actually, in a weird way.  Live in the moment.  Works for me.

I have been having it for  while, with the occasional feeling somewhat better.  I have figured out that if I take two Aleve around 11pm, I can wake up relatively pain-free and be somewhat functional for the first  part of the day.  Unfortunately, you cannot take Aleve at will, because it will eat holes in your stomach.  Every thing is a trade-off when you are ill. 🙂

Anyway, I made scrambled eggs the other day, and I thought I would run through it for those of you who have never been in constant pain.  Imagine you are sitting on the sofa and realize, ‘Oh, some scrambled eggs would go down a treat right about now.  Now imagine every one of the following steps involves energy you don’t have and causes you pain.  Every movement causes you pain.

First, you get up.  Ow ow ow.  Take a breather.  (this repeats after every step.)  Walk to the kitchen.   Open the place you keep the skillet.  Reach in.  Pick up the skillet.  Pull skillet out of it’s spot.  Lift/move skillet to stove.  Turn on stove.  Walk to frig.  Open frig.  Remove eggs and butter.  Close frig.  Walk to stove.  Open butter, open drawer, reach in, pick up and remove knife, close drawer.  Cut butter.  Move butter you have cut to pan.  Open egg carton. Remove eggs.  Close carton.  Carry carton to frig, open frig, place carton inside, close frig.  Walk back to stove.  Pick up egg, break egg into pan, carry shells to sink or trash, back to stove, repeat with second egg.  Reach for spatula, pick up spatula, move spatula to pan, stir eggs.  Reach to burner knobs, turn off burner, Oh, you forgot a plate.  Walk to cupboard, open cupboard, reach in, pick up plate, remove plate, close cupboard, walk back to stove. Put plate down, pick up pan, slide eggs onto plate, replace pan or walk to sink and put pan in sink, walk back to stove, open drawer, reach in, remove fork, close drawer, pick up plate and carry it and fork to wherever you are going to sit to eat your eggs.  Eat eggs, get up, walk to sink, put plate and fork in sink, walk back to your seat.  Sit.  Spend a good amount of time recovering from all that effort.  Remember, every single move took energy you don’t have, and caused it’s own pain.  Every. Single. Move.

This is life with fibromyalgia, and many other chronic pain illnesses as well.  Just so you know.  When you think of people with invisible illnesses as ‘lazy’ ‘goldbrickers’ ‘good-for-nothings’, remember this.  When you tell them to ‘just get over it’, ‘you just need to push yourself’ ‘get outside and Do something’, remember this.  It’s easier to disparage people with these illnesses than it is to accept that they are real illnesses and could possibly happen to you, because YOU are not lazy, or goldbricking, or a good-for-nothing.  Neither were we.  Remember.