>Simon was feeling pretty bad for a couple of days there, so vet said to stop the antibiotic he was taking. He seems much better now, and is even eating more. Still not himself, although he is back trying to get out the door whenever it opens. Dreading when he can’t eat anymore. Such is life.
>This morning, Simon was walking around my head when I woke up. Later he was nudging me with his nose, staring at me, being generally annoying………….in other words, he was back to his old self. The vet said the anesthesia can take a while to wear off, but it’s been a week! I’m glad he’s back, and he’s eating very well, too. Tomorrow I’ll try the laser light and see if he’ll play. Yesterday he just stared at it and then put his head down. I know today doesn’t mean he’s going to be okay, but it makes me feel better to have him be himself again. *big smile*
>The news was as bad as I’d feared. Squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue, which has infiltrated to the point that it is untreatable. Even if it was treatable, the outcome is never good, says the vet. So no chemo, just waiting til he can no longer manage to eat because of the size of the growth. This is hard. I’ve never had to decide when to put down a pet, let alone one who has been at times my only companion/friend. For now, I am just going to spoil him rotten, which is pretty easy since all he does is eat and then lay around or sleep. He does like sitting on my lap, so I let him as much as possible. I don’t want him to suffer, that’s the main thing. Poor Simon. Poor me. That’s the way of the circle of life, but knowing that does not make it any easier to deal.
>Some potentially devastating news today. Simon may have cancer under his tongue. He’s been having a dirty face the past few days, which is totally out of character, and since yesterday has not been quite himself. So off to the vet today and in Friday for a biopsy. If it is cancer he only has a month or so left, she said. Pretty soon he won’t be able to eat, and that will be that. Whatever will I do without him. He’s been my constant companion for ten years. Trying not to react til I know for sure what is going on. I do think he’s in some pain, though, as he’s just laying around on his cushions or my bed, which is not like him at all. Poor baby. I don’t want him to suffer, but it would be really hard to lose him, if it comes to that.
>Mother’s Day flowers from number two child. Number one child made a lovely phone call and we had a pleasant chat. Nice day.
My friends came on the fourth and we got a lot done. Old loveseat, recycling, miscellaneous items—-all gone. Later I got some furniture arranged more to my liking, and things are looking good. I am a happy camper. A pretty good week last week over all, with only one or two not-so-great days, then Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were just wasted. Not able to sleep, new med killing stomach, bah, humbug. Stopped the new med, took a pill and a half of the knock-out pill since my liver tests came back fine and I really would like to sleep at night. I am NOT a vampire, really.
> TO ME
Took the first step today: bought a two-bin laundry sorter on wheels, with removable bags so my homemaker can carry one down with the laundry already in it. I realized that sorting the laundry the day she comes (don’t ask why I don’t do it the day before, I live in the NOW) takes more energy than I can afford, so pre-sorted works for me.
Tomorrow my friends are coming over to remove some things I don’t need and take away a load of recycling. I’m not quite as ready as I’d like to be, but I’m just happy someone actually wants to do this for me. I have good friends. I am very, very fortunate.
It’s been a gray and rainy couple of days, but that’s my kind of weather. Today it almost seemed like fall, though, with wind and damp and gray and coats. But only in the 40’s, so not really that bad. An extra shirt as a jacket was plenty for me.
Looking forward to tomorrow. Hope it goes well and no one is in a bad mood or anything. Stuff will be gone and I will be happy. Hooray!
>A light bulb moment. While lying awake all night last night, feeling sorry for myself, in pain, thinking about my life…realization came upon me. When I have a good day, sometimes I go out shopping with a friend. I can buy material, sewing notions, scissors, all the things you need to create something. I can buy lovely fruits and vegetables, meat, whatever. A part of my brain still thinks I am living that old life, and it kicks in on those days. Then, I’m home. Just me. And I cannot do the steps required to make something with that material. I cannot do the steps required to get an actual meal on the table with that food.
My ‘good day’ brain is making my real life brain want to attempt things it knows are not possible. Even on a ‘good’ day, I have trouble getting food on the table. I need to seriously rethink what I need to do, what I need to have, how I need to live in the confines of this illness. I can’t buy a pound of chili powder from the spice shop and expect to use it in my lifetime, let alone in a few months like in that other pre-illness life. I cooked with chili powder a lot. We liked it. I like it. But I don’t need it in quantity anymore.
Trying to make sense of it, and recognizing that there is still a part of me that hasn’t moved on from that other life. It needs to. I need to. I am not that person anymore, and I never will be again. I will never have that life again. Deal with it.
What do I really need? A bed, bedding, a table for a lamp and a book, a place for my clothes. A chair to relax in, a table to eat at, a place for my computer and my desk. A few dishes, a couple of pots and pans, some silverware. Do I need a roasting pan, all those baking dishes, a shelf full of glasses? I’m going to work on this and see where it gets me. Will my life be easier? We’ll have to wait and see.
>And a bad one, at that. Started last night and I spent the whole night awake and in pain, and then most of the day trying to sleep through it. A bit better now, but it was pretty bad for awhile. I’m wondering if stopping the Zanaflex is what brought it on. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary recently.
Tonight I watched Ugly Betty, Grey’s, and LOST. Is tv getting stupider, or is it just me? I love Torchwood, Doctor Who, and Battlestar Gallactica, but almost everything else seems more like just noise. Silly, dragging-on-forever plots that I just want to be OVER. I need some good books. Time to check out the library on-line again. I love that I can order books from all over Massachusetts, and then just pick them up at the local library, which is right up the street from me. Any body have any good books to recommend?
I’ve been having fun with Firefox lately. Downloaded some more extensions, and a gooGreen theme, which is just white with some leaves on the right. There are a couple of nice extensions I just got that are really lovely. One is Scribefire, which is a blogging extension so you can easily blog without having to go to your blog first. The other is Scrapbook, where you can save web pages to read later, without losing them in the bookmarks folder. I really like this, along with Evernote, which allows you to save bits and pieces of any page with one click.
I couldn’t enjoy my computer without Firefox, I don’t think. If for any reason I am forced to use IE for something, I am lost without my extensions. Top/bottom of page arrows, shortcuts, right-click enhancements. I do love my Firefox.