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Hot and sticky and I’ve had the ac on since last night, but it’s still GRAY! This is worse than February in New Hampshire, which normally was the grayest month up there. Down here May is meant to be spring. Sunny. Nice. Not gray day after day after day after day.

It’s the holiday, and here I sit by myself as I have for nearly every holiday for the eleven years I’ve lived here. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually the only holidays I have someplace to go. Not complaining, just saying. I barely remember what it was like to have a life, where I went places and did things and worked and wasn’t alone all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if I had responsibilities. A family to take care of. But then I know that when I have days like yesterday when I was in so much pain I just slept all day that I am fortunate to only have me and Gertrude to worry about. All she wants is food, water, and a clean litter box, and some cuddles, and that’s all easily done. Even if I’m having a really bad day and don’t get the food out on time, she doesn’t seem to mind. Which reminds me. I ordered this calming essential oil mix to try, since she is so timid and jumpy. So I bought her a collar to dab it on when it gets here.

She’s never had a collar, and I was expecting the worst, but she stood stock still while I put it on here, then she hid for a bit, came back and stared at me for a bit, and then up on the lap and all is forgiven. She doesn’t seem to even know that it’s there. Weird. Simon would have had it off in the first five minutes. Cats really do have their own quirks and likes and dislikes.

I know I haven’t had much to say lately, but I hope I still have some readers out there. I am trying again to have some goals and a plan, but anyone who has this illness knows that you can plan all you want, but your body decides if you can follow through or not.

I have noticed a pattern going on recently. Well, probably longer than that, but I wasn’t really paying that much attention. But I sleep okay (for me) for a night or two, then I am awake all night for a few days and sleep during the day. Doesn’t matter if I take the knock-out pill or not.

I’m lucky that I don’t have as much pain as some people do with this, and I can’t imagine, cause it’s hard enough just the way things are for me. Sometimes I admit that I just want to throw in the towel and stop trying, but I am a fighter by nature, and I hate to let things beat me. A little sunshine, low humidity, and temps in the upper 60s F would do me. But…it is a gray May day. And fun to say.

I know the picture has nothing in common with this post, but I like it. So.

>Check out this great MSN video: 10 Disturbing Facts About Global Warming

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One of my LJ friends just posted about having to put down her beloved cat. Very sad. It put me right back there with my Simon. It’s been three years and I still miss him. So now I’m all teary-eyed and grieving again. I have Gertrude, whom I love, but she is not at all like Simon, who was in-your-face and very, very annoying most of the time. But he was my best friend for a long time when I was just alone and going through all sorts of trials caused by becoming ill and no longer able to work. He was always there when I came home from whatever unpleasant and humiliating thing I had to do to survive. New Hampshire is NOT the place you want to have this kind of disaster. When they say ‘Live Free or Die’, they really mean it. Live free of any help from us, cause we don’t care if you die or are homeless. I love Massachusetts, whose government does care. Anyway, this is about Simon, and missing him, and being sad and teary, and life sucks, then you die. Well, darn!

>I absolutely agree with the messsage, too. This is why my blog is not really about my illness. It’s about my life in general, because I am NOT my illness, and I don’t want it to be the focus of my life or my conversations. The message applies to anything, life in general. And it’s a cheery vid. (hmmm, maybe I should change my header)

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Here’s that blog from which I posted an article a few days ago.

http://www.addictinginfo.org/

It was sent to me by a friend and the article just said what I’ve been saying for a long time. I don’t know much about the blog owners, but the blog really does reflect my anger.

But I’m not just angry. I’m also puzzled and saddened. I don’t understand the people referenced in the blog. The right-wing conservatives, Republicans, Tea-Partiers. I don’t get why they are so filled with hate for the rest of us. I don’t understand how they can reconcile their supposed ‘Christianity’ with their NOT wanting to do unto others, NOT wanting to love their neighbors, NOT wanting to help the less-fortunate. Weren’t these the precepts taught by their ‘religion’? I did not think “Greed is good” or “I’ve got mine, so screw you. And by the way, I’m taking yours for myself, too.” was taken from the Bible. I honestly don’t understand what motivates these people. Have they become so distanced from their own humanity that they actually believe they are doing the right thing?

I am saddened that my country has fallen so far from the ideal I was raised to believe it was. I am saddened that I have no idea what to do about it. Signing petitions, posting about things…all well and good. But does any of it really make any kind of difference? I’m not at all sure it does.

I am ashamed and embarrassed by my country’s leaders. The fact that they are so angry and resentful that an actual black person is president that they can’t get out of their own way fast enough to do as much damage as is possible to the presidency. It disgusts me. I scares me. It makes me so disillusioned with them all. The smug look on John Boehner’s (R-OH)face in the picture makes me sick. He looks like he’s thinking, “F*** you, America”, doesn’t he?

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I’ve lost all hope.

>This is funny.

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Now that I’m (relatively) over myself after yesterday, here’s the headline of an email from my local Freecycle:

OFFER: Misc Children and household items

Miscellaneous children. Hmmmm. Think I’ll have to pass.

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Up all Monday night. Up all day Tuesday. Slept til 4pm Wednesday, then fell asleep on the couch and slept til 7am today. Woke up in pain, as usual, did some stretching, started to cry. I never cry. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to cope with the screwed up sleep, the pain, the inability to do the things I need to do as well as the things I want to do. The just sitting here, living in my cyber-world, because the real world is something I just cannot manage any more. I don’t know how to do this anymore. How to tough it out. How to keep a positive attitude. How to exist in this world of pain and sadness and loneliness. I’ve done it for eleven years, living here in my little box by myself, alone, alone, alone. Just my cat for company. Only rarely going outside. Outside for me is the public main street of my town. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself here people. As much as I try not to do that, sometimes my life just overwhelms me with so much I cannot cope with. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

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EDIT: The site in the link is back as of May 16th.

It’s not serendipity, but what describes this: I’ve found that quite often when I blog something or talk about something with someone, that soon after there will be something related on the net. For example, I just posted my opinion of Republicans a few posts back, and now I have come across this:

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2011/05/04/kill-the-poor-and-other-republican-plans/

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It’s still Friday, and I’ve now been up about 25 hours. Not a record for me, but still. Gorgeous day. I apparently am still in a quiet period, as I seem to have nothing to say. Well, except I miss my life, the one I had before I got sick. Oh, well.

Oh, wait. Facebook. I signed up a few weeks ago, much against my better judgement, and have been cringing ever since. So I finally just deleted the account. There’s nothing there that I can’t live without, and their business practices just make my skin crawl. So goodbye Facebook.

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Still working on the sleep thing  It is never-ending. Is that meant to be hyphenated?  Up all night, slept all day, Up at 3pm.  3pm.  Oi. 

Edit: Trying out the Windows Live blog function. It is pretty simple to use, but not sure what the point is.

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Well, people. (Are you still out there, people?) I have been rather miserable and withdrawn for the past week or so, every day feeling worse than the day before. Guess what? It’s allergies. Allergies were making me miserable. Not sneezing or the normal allergy stuff, but headachy, dizzy, very very tired, and closed down. Allergies. Who knew? Taking allergy pills now, and feeling much, much better. If only there was a pop-up in the brain to let us know what is causing things, life would be so much easier. You know. Something like:
“Windows (your brain) has detected a problem with the operating system. To repair (This info would NEVER pop up in the real Windows) see your doctor for allergy medication”, or thyroid medicine, or whatever will fix whatever is wrong. But no. We are forced to suffer, guess, or trek to the doctor’s with an ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, I just feel terrible.’

Anyway, I am hoping to get back to more regular blogging. We may have had a moment of unity over Bin Laden’s demise, but that doesn’t mean the battles are over. The Republicans still have their ‘do in the poor folks so they’ll just disappear and we can have everything for ourselves’ agenda, and the Democrats are still caving left and right instead of standing up for what is right for the citizens they are supposed to represent. See? I’m better. A little anger coming back. It’s a good thing.