>LOST (The Missing Post)

>NOT lost in the ether, only saved as a draft. HA!

LOST……did you watch it? Wasn’t it just the best thing ever, up until the last ten minutes? I was all “CHARLIE!!!!” “SAYID!! Wasn’t expecting that.” “BOONE!!” And so on throughout. Then came the end, and I was like ‘What???? WHAT???????” And then there was Jimmy Kimmel to take my mind off it. LOLOL

On the illness front, I filled out the survey in the comments to the last post, but nothing happened when I clicked ‘submit’, so don’t know if it worked or not. I’ve been following another plan, too. Today was the third day in a row. But I’ve not been sleeping well, and this afternoon I was sitting here all zombie-like and laid down. Woke up at 5 pm. Otherwise, my plan is helping. Less pain, more energy. Yay, me. I am trying to take a leaf from Ianto’s fanfic life, and make routine, routine, routine my mantra. It usually only works for a couple of days in a row before something comes up, like lots of pain or can’t stay awake or something, that ruins it. I’m feeling hopeful, however. We’ll see how it goes.


>The West Wing

You know, or maybe you don’t, about the whole Newsweek controversy over gay actors playing straight characters. My goodness, we are so backward, people. Anyway…here is an relevant article by the truly magnificent Aaron Sorkin whose West Wing was the best thing on television. I hope you read this.


Aaron Sorkin

On the illness front, I started taking my vitamins and supplements again on Friday, and am already feeling much, much better. I just kept putting off parsing them out into the pill holder for a couple of weeks. Duh! I don’t know if it’s one, all, or some in combination that works, but here’s what I take. Three times a day.

400 mg magnesium with 15 mg zinc
500 mg calcium with 400 1U vitamin D
l000 mcg B12
500 mg vitamin C
1000 IU Vitamin D

Yes, I know that’s D twice, but I don’t get outside much, and here in New England we don’t get enough direct sun to keep levels good anyway. I think I need that much D. Anyway, there it is.

>It was a good day

>I finally was more pain-free than not, with the help of Excedrin, so I cleared out the frig and cooked some sausage, mashed some avocado with lemon juice for tomorrow, ate a mango, got the kitchen arranged to my liking, had a lovely chat with my friend John, and talked to the cat. So now I’m reading some more Torchwood fan fiction. Why do I keep doing this to myself? It breaks my heart every time. I wish I’d just get over it sometimes. But not all the stories are sad, some are fun and funny and uplifting. I guess that’s why I keep on. I’ve never been as affected by a tv show as I was by Torchwood, and maybe if I hadn’t discovered fan fiction, I would have just let it go. That’s not what’s happened though. Not sure if I’m sorry or not. LOL

>A Lesson in Illness

>Yesterday was a busy day. My homemaker came, the guys came to change the filter and check out the heat/air-conditioning system, and my friend Tess came over. It was a fun day. After my homemaker and the maintenance guys left, Tess and I went out shopping at Lowe’s and Staples. I wasn’t planning on going out, and with it being a busy day, I didn’t even think of taking my pain pills. Normally, I take Excedrin or ibuprofen. Big mistake, forgetting. Walking was difficult and painful, although I do better when I have a store carriage to push. Walking on my own, though, really hard. After we came back here, we played Big Kahuna on the computer, laughing hysterically as usual. I made up a new word: carpentriage: where to start when your building needs renovating, I think it means. LOL Time for Tess to leave, I stand up. Oi! Can barely move. Only got worse during the evening, and spent the night and today til around 2pm dozing and trying to find a less painful position. Took three extra-strength excendrin when I got up, still barely able to move. So today was a wash, and I watched a Bollywood movie On Demand. May is Bollywood month on Comcast, and last year I discovered ‘Om Shanti Om’. If you’ve never seen a Bollywood film, it is quite an experience. Today’s was good, but the lead wasn’t quite up to Shah Rukh Khan, who it seems is one of India’s biggest stars, and very good. So that’s my illness lesson for today: play Big Kahuna and laugh, watch Bollywood movies, and TAKE YOUR PILLS BEFORE YOU GO OUT!!!


>Okay world, I’m saying it here. It’s time to take myself in hand and get control of this miserable illness. I’ve tried and tried and it never works, but I hate giving up and giving in. There’s a bit of a fighter still left somewhere down there in my psyche, and it’s screaming to get out and DO something about this. Don’t know exactly WHAT to do, but anything is better than nothing.

One of the worst issues I have is isolation. Isolating myself, that is. I never even go down to the lobby to get my mail anymore, unless I am going out for some other reason as well. I never go out on my own anymore, either, so unless a friend comes over and wants to go somewhere (and I really only have one friend who comes over more than twice a year or so)……….well, here I am. Just here. It’s been the main issue the entire ten years I’ve lived in this little box of an apartment. The world is out there, and I am in here. It’s like my own little prison cell. I have no outdoors that isn’t a public place. The street. That’s it. If I go outside, I’m in the public MAIN street. No little balcony, or porch or yard. I dont do well in public on my own. I think I have some sort of social anxiety disorder, maybe because I was made to feel….what’s a good way to put it?….unacceptable, stupid, not quite ‘quite’, there’s another word but it is eluding me….from the time I was very young right through until I was divorced. You know, that ‘fatal flaw’ that you are just to stupid to know what it is but that is clearly obvious to everyone around you.

So anyway…I don’t go out. I don’t like to be looked at. Of course, once I AM out, I am gradually more comfortable with it, but it is hell until then. It’s worse now, since the effects of being ill have taken a toll. I am old, and fat, and my hair is a disaster, and I walk like a drunk. I just want to be invisible. Where is science when you need it?

So my idea was to start my list of ‘things to do to take control of this illness’ with getting outside every day. Which I already know will not happen, because I will talk myself out of it every time.

Help, anyone out there. Does anyone have any ideas, hints, tips, solutions to offer someone like me? I don’t seem to be succeeding very well on my own. I did try, at the beginning. I tried exercising to regain the muscle strength I lost when I became ill. Within weeks of getting sick, my strength just vanished, and I could no longer do things I normally did without a second thought. I had to stop buying heavy groceries like juice, or things in cans, because it took too much effort to carry them from the car to the apartment. I tried going out and meeting people. I realized that however friendly and talkative shopkeepers may seem, what they really want is a customer, not a friend. So I just kept isolating more and more. I tried. But the more I did, the harder it got. The pain just kept getting worse and the more it hurt, the less I did.

I’m really a friendly person, I’m not mean, I always smile at everyone and say something pleasant, I’m polite. I like to have fun and be silly and make people laugh. But that’s one me. The me that rules is the isolated, timid, ‘omg, why would anyone want to talk to me or even look at me’ person. I want it to be different, but I don’t seem able to make it happen on my own.

Is this a whine, a rant, or what? I just wanted to state my plan to take charge of myself, and it turned into this all by itself. Ah, well. It is what it is, right?