WHAT?

Seriously. What? I have been practically immobile for some time now. Broken, broken, broken executive function. Want to do something, just cannot. Tonight, I cleaned the tub, then the rest of the bathroom, then I vacuumed the bathroom, then I vacuumed the kitchen, then I vacuumed the worst part of the living room. Just imagine a rest break between each sentence there, please. I don’t know what changed, but happy Jean is happy. Tomorrow I will probably not be able to move AND MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK BUT I WILL NO DOUBT JUST COUCH AND MOAN AND GROAN. BUT i got stuff done. Now it’s unstuck. ?????

Just Stuff

So it is possible to hire my homemaker myself and whoever paid the agency will pay me to pay her. Have to discuss this with her, though. Or she can get a job at the agency that took over and I can still have her. She cooked before the virus, and she is a really good cook, and someone else could do the other stuff. We’ll see how that works out.

Reading a familiar blog, and it now tells me how long it will take to read the post. Seriously? Is time so short for everyone that we need to know how much of it we will spend reading something? There are posts and groups and whatever to compare your reading to other people’s, to keep track of how much time you spend, to make reading a chore and not a joy. I don’t understand why everything is a competition or something that needs tracking or whatever. Way to take the fun out of life, people.

I am currently making a giant pot of coffee in my new electric percolator. I usually do two cups. and doing about ten now, which is really only five mugs. I only have mugs. I like mugs. Can keep it in the frig and nuke a cup or have iced coffee. Yum. For someone with as many getting things done issues as I have, put the coffee and water in the pot and plug it in works for me. A light comes on when it’s ready and it stays hot til I unplug it. No waiting for the lukewarm drip, or stirring and waiting and pressing or adjust the stove burner to get the right perk time. I have used every type of pot including vacuum, only excepting the greek one, Moka is it?, and this electric makes good coffee that is doable even on a foggy, foggy morning, which every one of them is, lately. Found this online: nonbrainery. Yep, that’s me. Actually, setting it up the night before works even better. Plug it in, OR I could plug it into a timer so it would be ready when I get up. That works for me. Think I have a timer somewhere, too. I have an oven-ready pot roast with veg to cook, too, from my favorite grocery store after Trader Joe’s. God, do I miss Trader Joe’s. Soon as I am fully vaccinated, Tess and I are heading up to Foxboro. Had to drive right by Joe’s to get to Gillette Stadium for the vaccine. We waved. LOL

I think I am going to set up an appointment with the rheumatologist who took over from prednisone disaster guy, and see if there is anything that can be done for all this pain. It is really hard to do anything when you can only stand up for very brief amounts of time, and then only by hanging onto something like a door handle or the counter or whatever. Fun, fun, fun. Something needs to change, and I am the one who needs to pursue the means.

I smell coffee. Delightful.

Hope everyone out there is safe and well and wearing a mask and social distancing. We do what we must to keep ourselves and our loved ones and friends and neighbors safe, right? That’s what makes us good people. ‘I don’t need no f-ing mask’ screamers are not good people. Sorry, they just aren’t. Selfish and entitled. The dregs of humanity. Don’t be one of those. Please don’t.

Because I really don’t care if anyone dies because of my selfishness.

It’s A Rant Day

Headline: Covid / US company illegally peddling ‘miracle cure’ bleach for new variants

Guess where the company is located? That bastion of good people, like Mike Gaetz, Florida. Why am I not surprised?

I am getting a new homemaker, because the agency went out of business. Did not tell anybody, caseworkers, homemakers, clients. They’ve been in business a long time, too. I’ve had homemakers from there for nearly the entire 18 years I’ve had homemakers. Why would you not tell your employees they will need to find new jobs. Just ‘hi, here’s your paycheck’ one day, and ‘bye, we are over’ the next.

It is gray and windy and chilly and I am in pain, and bored and depressed and slept pretty much all night and then all day after feeding Gertrude at 10 am. I miss having a life, even if I missed having a life while I was having it. I miss my real life, the one when I had a husband and a garden and friends and a car, and wasn’t in constant pain and blah, blah, blah. Oh lord, I need coffee and it almost 4pm, as I just said to my friend Tess in an email. A ranting email. My homemaker had just called to say how sorry she was and that no one told her she was going to be out of a job until after I had found out. Great company. Really great. Okay. Rant over. For now. 🙂

Animals

from How-To Geek:

Did You Know?

Maybe all those milk ads about happy cows are true. Researchers monitored cows and found that those that were the best treated and doted on by their handlers produced the most milk.

Why are we always surprised that animals respond to being treated well? I once saw a PBS thing wherein a guy said that after spending time with his cattle and getting to know each one, he stopped thinking of them as ‘product’ and realized that they had feelings and personalities and whatever. Surprise. Seriously? Animals aren’t things put their for our convenience, in spite of what we are taught. They are sentient creatures who care about each other and their children. The arrogance of thinking that we are everything, and everything is just there for us to use as we see fit. Okay.

So far no side effects from the vaccine. Just the usual body aches from walking and using the cane and all. Those always happen, so was prepared for that. Recovery day. Swan about on the couch and read. It’s another gorgeous, cloud-free sunny day, too. Still too cool to open the windows, but beautiful, and the buds on the flowering pears across the street are really started to swell. Flowers soon?

Happy Easter to those who celebrate it.

Got Shot

in the arm. First covid vaccine. Moderna Have to go back in a month for the second. Nice day out. Vaccines were at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro. My friend Tess took me, then we went to Wendy’s and ate lunch in the car, then she came in a we chatted for awhile. First time anyone has been in since March 2020. If I get sick and die it will not have been worth it, but otherwise, it was fantastic to do something sort of normal. It’s been a loooong year. Shot did not hurt at all by the way.

APRIL

My birthday month. Spring. New starts. New beginnings. Same thing, I know. More daylight. More sunshine. More sweet peas, my birth flower. My gramma grew them and she always called me her Sweet Pea. 🙂 Here is one of my favorite songs from childhood. Guess why. Not by this guy, though. He wasn’t even born when I was a child.

So I decided to keep a note of things I find that interest me. For this blog. Because I can. It’s my blog. 🙂

“Do You Really Need To Throw Out Your Underwear After 6 Months? An OB/GYN Weighs In” Headline. Seriously? Seriously? Just throw your clothes away, because we are all made of money. Seriously?

An article about a Reading Accountability group. Taking all the fun out of life. Reading is fun and relaxing and informative and fun. I said that already. But there are tons of things online about keeping track, competing, accountability? Come on. Life has enough stresses without ruining reading, too. Can’t we just read because we like reading? Does it have to be a ‘thing’?

Weather forecast was wrong. Was meant to be warm overnight and warm today. When I woke up, it was in the 40’s. Time to close the window.

Quite enjoying morning email and newsletters once I have deleted the bad news and petitions unread. I have started just deleting newsy emails. I don’t even want to know anymore. The ship is unstuck, what else do I have to worry about? Not that I was worried about that. The memes were kind of fun, though. LOL

A thing I read that I need to think more on. This writer seems to be a little off to me, but what do I know?

https://www.vox.com/22321848/millennials-baby-boomers-helen-andrews

“One thing I did in the research for this book was to go back and read all of the doomsayers at the time of the TV revolution who said that raising a generation glued to their screens was going to scramble their brains and make them stupid. These were people who were dismissed at the time as snobs and doomsayers, people who just were not hip to what the kids were thinking. And at the time, there was no way to check their predictions. The only thing these doomsayers could do was to say “Wait and see.” Well, we’ve had several decades to wait and see the consequences of the rise of visual media and the decline of print and everything that flowed out of the TV revolution. And I think most of their dire predictions have been vindicated.”

I agree that tv is not a good influence. For one thing, it made obnoxious, rude, precocious, disobedient children seem normal. Parenting is hard enough without being made to believe that these are acceptable behaviors for your children. And that one commercial where it made stealing okay. I see something I like in your grocery bag, I take it. It’s okay. Really, it is. Well no, really, it isn’t. This is what you want your kids to learn?

Interesting take on college:

“Yes, because it’s a massive waste of money that does not confer actual benefits to the people who pay for it. What a college degree represents today could be, and not so long ago was, taught in high schools, so we are wasting people’s time, valuable years of their lives, prolonging adolescence.”

I didn’t go to college. No way we could afford college. I don’t think I’ve missed out on anything worthwhile because of it. And no one I know who went to college seems any better informed than I am, either. Read. Read everything. That’s my advice.

What she says about Aaron Sorkin and the West Wing. Sheesh! I’d rather have fake idealism than no idealism. I loved the West Wing and recently did a rewatch, and it was still just as good. Fake idealism? It shows things the way I wish they could be. I see enough of how things really are online every day. I want some idealism, I want some happy endings. I want people who care and who get along and who try to make things better for everyone, not just themselves. I see nothing wrong with idealism, fake or not. Better than cynicism, which is everywhere today. I am the poster girl for cynicism. I probably should stop saying ‘sheesh’, too, but oh well.

I am doing better. Had a couple of blah days, but today back to attempting to get things done. Although I tried to vacuum and did about ten square inches before I had to come sit down due to pain, pain, pain. How am I supposed to function if I can barely stand up for any length of time? Frustrated. I want to do things, I am in the right frame of mind, I have enough energy to last several minutes, and then ow! Bah! Also, humbug. I was invited to a friend’s home for my birthday, but I had to say no because I have not been vaccinated yet, and even when I am, it’s a month before it’s really taken effect. My birthday is the 20th, so not enough time even if I got the shot today. Well, darn!

Which reminds me. (sheesh, you know) There are things I say all the time. Things I do, like, is it Spoonerisms when you transpose the first letters of words? I do this constantly. Of course I cannot think of one instance now that I need it. So it occurs to me, maybe this is part of the spectrum issues. I have mentioned to Tess many times that it’s like I have brain glitches. Maybe it’s that. Asperger’s. I have lots of things that fit. I have a tendency to fixate on something. Example: in high school I had a mad crush on a boy who lived down a street we passed every day on the way to school and the grocery store and the park. Every day I looked down that street. Every single time we passed it. But then I realized what I was doing and was able to force myself to not look. I find similar things happen even now, but I am able to be aware and change my behavior. I have also done stimming most of my life without realizing what it was. Lots of thing I’ve done I thought was just because I was weird, and never knew they were actually things, and that other people did them too. I only ever learned recently about stimming from things I read on Tumblr. I love Tumblr. 🙂 Life is weird, don’t you think? Anyway, that’s my big whatever for today. Happy April, everyone.

Upsetting

https://www.wpri.com/news/local-news/se-mass/report-multi-system-failure-following-death-of-fall-river-teen/?

I don’t see anything about consequences for those in DCF who were involved. This hits home for me because not only did I work in a group home, I have had personal experience with DCF in the past. No experience with them was positive. Not one. In any context. I am saddened for this boy and his siblings, and angry that even after twenty years, nothing has really changed. DCF does not do the job. Sometimes, in my experience, they don’t even bother to try. It’s one more disgrace in this ‘great’ country.

Taking A Risk

I know, know, know I shouldn’t say this, but I think I am getting better. Again. I actually got the kitchen half-cleaned and even scrubbed the sink. Still have the stove to do, but I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. Unloading the dishwasher is difficult, because pain, but loading is easy. Weird. Not sleeping half the day, either.

I am feeling kind of an inner sadness, because I think I am lonely. It’s been more than a year, and I’ve been out with a friend three times in that year, all of them last summer. Very brief interactions through a doorway just aren’t the same. But I’ll manage. I am on a list again for vaccine. Some day. LOL

Took a couple tests online today. One for Asperger’s. I had taken one a few years ago and this one is different. Then a social anxiety test. Was not surprised at the results of that one. Here are the results.

Here’s some things I found messing about on the laptop today.

From BoredPandadotCom

I should really just stay off the internet altogether.

“Part of the American dream is class mobility – you’re born poor, you work hard, you get rich. It was possible for a worker to get a decent job, buy a home, get a car, have some children, go to school – it’s all collapsed.” Noam Chomsky 2015

I AM A Cat Person

My Simon
First Gertrude
Second Gertrude

Cats are bendy. I like bendy. 🙂 Here’s some funny things from boredpanda.com about cat and dog people.

Ali Kolbert: Isn’t it weird how we have one million dog greeds and everyone is like ‘goldendoodle’ this or ‘chihuahua mix’ that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like ‘an orange one’.

Simon Sinek: The difference between dog people and cat people: dog people wish their dogs were people. Cat people wish they were cats.

+++I just said the other day how I envied my cat. No worries about hair, clothes, cooking, cleaning. Just be and someone feeds you. Yeah.+++

bunny girl: someone said cats are a lesson in consent and so many controlling people hate cats because they can’t control them and I haven’t stopped think about it since.

woke drug guy: Dog people are like this dog costs $3000 and is hypoallergenic. Cat people are like I found this cat in an engine.

PAPERBEATSSCISSORS: dog people hate cats and cat people hate people

Elle M.: People are always like CATS R ELITIST DOGS R THE PETS OF THE COMMON MAN but like 95% of cat acquisition stories are ‘I found him in the garbage and took him home’

Soren Bowie: ……..If you want a loyal friend who trusts and loves you implicitly, get a dog. If you want to know where the ghosts in your house are, get a cat.

+++My cats have all spend inordinate amounts of time staring at absolutely nothing I can see+++

jao: Dog people be like this dog was more expensive than my car. Cat people are this cat entered my house and now I belong to him.

+++Most of our pets when I was a kid came to our door, my mom fed them once, and they never left. We had a gorgeous, lovable, black lab that was the best dog ever. A child could fall asleep on him and he would not move til they woke up. He came to the door and was with us his entire life. We advertised, but no one ever claimed him, thank goodness.+++

ella: cat people: I like cats more but dogs are cool. dog people: cats are the DEVIL!!! I had a cat once and it ATE MY GRANDMA Comment on this one:

troufaki13 Yet it is estimated that nearly 25k people are killed by dogs per year. No deaths are recorded by cat

plant daddy: Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Lucy Haber: Dog people: My dog is my CHILD. Cat people: my cat is a fully grown adult human being that I invited to live with me and now is somehow in charge of my entire household.

UberFacts: +++There’s Uber Facts? Seriously? Anyway:+++ On average, cat owners tend to be more intelligent than dog owners, according to researchers from Carroll University. (Cat owners all?) Cat people tend to score higher in sensitivity, open-mindedness and are more likely to possess university degrees.

PAULDOcK: Cat people: ‘people who don’t like cats only hate them because they’re scared of their power & fear their superior intelligence. They’re scared of an animal with independence unlike a f—ing servile pathetic dog.’ Cat: *gets tangled in the blind*

Deb Farnworth-Wood: Some may say dog owners are micro-managers whereas cat owners are more willing to stand back and observe.

+++Seriously, micro-managing a cat is not possible. Have you ever tried to get a cat to do anything it did not already want to do? Seriously?+++

Deniz Vitvitskiji comment: Most of the posts boil down to ‘Cat peole are more accepting than dog people’ at this point.

+++Well, that was fun.+++

Ah, Well

Another day I slept through most of. I may try to just stay awake til tomorrow night, although sometimes I just can’t stay awake. Can’t sleep when I want, can’t stay awake when I want.

Read a post about cycles. “My ability to do chores improved immensely when I stopped thinking of them as things that can be finished and started thinking of them as cycles. It’s no longer “what do I need to do to get the kitchen clean?” but “where am I in the kitchen cycle?” eg dishes go from the cupboard to the table to the dishwasher and back to the cupboard. If your goal is to finish, you’ll always be in a state of failure. If your goal is to keep momentum going, every little step is a success.”

What a great idea. Maybe it will stop me from feeling like I’m failing life when I can’t keep up with the dishes. ‘Hey, I’m just kind of stuck in one piece of the cycle. A good strong kick should fix that.’ I wish.

A Couple of Things

This just made my day.

Second thing. The NYTimes apparently had people write in to say when they knew things had changed. I knew for sure when my homemaker, who only came to the door, not inside, mentioned she was not feeling well and I shut the door in her face. Rude Jean is still alive.

Dell and Warranties

Just read an article. This one:

https://the-digital-reader.com/2021/03/03/a-dell-warranty-is-worth-the-paper-it-isnt-printed-on/

So I am not the only one. Here’s my post about my fun with Dell and their warranties:

https://strangelypeculiar.com/2019/02/08/i-need-to-rant/

Here’s the email I sent them:

“Dear Dell
I have decided to try this means of letting you know how unhappy I am with this purchase.
This is my fourth Dell, and the first time I have had any issues. I purchased this laptop (Inspiron 15 5000, Series 5570) on November 18 , 2018, and set it up November 28th. Fine. Early in January I noticed it was making a hissing sound. I was advised by your people to return it for repair, which I did. I turned it into fedex on January 19, 2019, and it was received by you January 23rd. I was notified some time later that the part was on back-order and there would be a delay. Okay. I was notified a while after that the part was still not available, and did I wish a replacement instead, which would be comparable or perhaps an upgrade. Well, fine. That sounds reasonable, although it’s a new laptop, why do you not have parts for it? Anyway, I received the replacement, and the first thing I saw was a ‘refurbished’ sticker. Wait. I sent a new laptop for repair and was returned a used laptop. I then spent 40 minutes speaking to someone in India, who I could only understand about half of what he said. It mostly boiled down to wanting me to buy protection or telling me (my words here) that the year warranty only applies to parts that work. Those that don’t automatically revert to a thirty-day warranty, which I am now well past. Or to tell me that the refurbished one will work just fine, so what is my problem? (Again, my words.) I reiterated several times that sending me a used laptop to replace my NEW one which had an issue was unacceptable, but it seems there was no recourse for me. So I resigned myself to having spent close to 600 dollars for a used laptop.
Then I discovered that no, it does not work fine. I tried everything, reset it, ran every scan, called FIOS to come and check their equipment, but to no avail. Pages don’t load, load to a white screen with an address, screen randomly goes black, it takes several minutes from turning it on to get anywhere online. My old laptop. which I was replacing because it had gotten so clunky, works better. My ten year old desktop works better than either laptop.
So I am an extremely unhappy customer, and my fourth Dell will be my last. Good customer service is apparently only a fond memory, and Dell’s reputation has suffered greatly in my estimation. Sincerely, xxxxxxxx, Unhappy Customer.”

I now have an HP, which works just fine. So I guess this is just a ‘buyer beware’ kind of post.

It’s Been A Year

One year ago today was the last time I went out under ‘normal’ circumstances. Of course, I didn’t know it was the last time. Went grocery shopping with my friend Tess, and we probably went to Dunkin’s for a frozen coffee, or to McDonald’s for a hot coffee. Our local Micky D’s makes really good coffee. Surprise.

One year ago tomorrow, my homemaker came for the last time. Again, I didn’t know it was the last time. I was becoming concerned about all the virus talk, so discussed with the agency and my caseworker what to do, and I decided to stop the service. You know, while this thing was going on. A month or two. HA! Several months later, I started it up again, but, as I’ve said here, she comes to the door and I give her lists, checks, laundry, trash, she leaves and comes back with groceries, clean laundry, whatever. All done through the doorway. No one has been in here but me for an entire year.

In that year, I have been out of this apartment six times. Two of those were down to the lobby to get packages because nobody delivers to my door anymore.

I have been out of this building four times. Once was a fire alarm, where everyone who was home wound up standing on the sidewalk while the fire department did their thing. It was idiots on the first floor carrying burning food through the hallway to throw it outside. OMG. And I was the only one wearing a mask, and they all stood in a clump outside the door so I walked upwind from them.

When this started, I was still recovering from being very ill in the previous December. Before covid, but what I had involved serious breathing issues. Got better, took about three months to get over the weakness from being ill. Never completely got over it, though. Did okay til June, when everything started to fall apart. Had been doing the cleaning and all myself, slowly and not really well, but still….and then I couldn’t again. Over time I have gotten weaker and more tired and in general just disintegrating, it seems. Lack of sunlight, probably. And no fresh air over the winter.

At least I have not gotten the virus, and not gone totally stir-crazy from being alone all the time. I was kind of used to being alone most of the time, anyway. Some people have been much less fortunate, and I blame the orange bastard for that. And all the propaganda the media has thrown out over the whole debacle. Really. Free speech is one thing, but deliberately putting out false information and inciting people to be stupid and violent and all the other crap that’s gone down? Something needs to change. It is just disgraceful what has and is going on.

I am feeling cautiously hopeful now that we have a new administration which seems to be actually doing positive things to make our lives better, even though I keep reading about how much they are made of fail. But that is the Republican ‘let’s create our own reality and see how many gullible morons fall for it’. Lots of gullible morons out there, as evidenced by the attempted overthrow of the government. I choose to be hopeful, I choose to look ahead to better times. We’ll see how that goes. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Don’t be a dick. Yours is not the only life at risk.

Oh, Dear

Came to a realization, after sleeping most of the day and NOT wanting to wake up. Part of the sleeping so much is avoiding life. Life is hard right now. I am alone. The only contact I have with other humans is twice a week through the doorway handing off lists and checks and getting groceries. Probably five minutes or less total per week. The house is actually dirty. It is never dirty, cluttered yes, dirty no. It is dirty…because I am physically incapable of doing what is needed to clean it. I have vacuumed a couple of times, but the last time was so long ago I can’t remember. I am behind on the dishes again because unloading the dishwasher is extremely painful and standing to wash by hand is almost as painful, so I tend to put it and everything else off until ‘I feel better’, which used to happen frequently, but almost never does now. My last shower was over a week ago, because there is a serious danger of falling over, even with the shower seat, so again, putting it off until I feel better. My life has never been in this disastrous a mess. Mainly because when I have been really, really bad, I have had a homemaker who came in and did everything.

I am finally going/gone stir-crazy, I think. I am lonely because I hardly ever even get an email from anyone, even my friend who would always call or email has made other friends and I have once again been left behind or forgotten.

So I am having what one of my children once called a ‘Let’s all feel sorry for mom’ day. I will get over it. I always have so far.

On a brighter not, I have finally, finally opened a window. It is 68 degrees. Time to celebrate. I had to put some Dawn down the tracks first or otherwise I would not be able to open it. They are very difficult to open and that is how I ruined my rotater cuff, so am extra cautious. I am having a deli ham salad sandwich, which is nowhere good as the ham salad I make, but food prep is not happening, and Ruffles. Isn’t the point of Ruffles to have a chip that you can dip? So why are they all either very small pieces or crumbs? This is the second bag I’ve had this year, and both the same. Another brighter side, two new eps of Sisyphus are up on Netflix. I am doing just fine without Prime during the boycott. I have a long ‘to watch’ Netflix list, and maybe 500 fan fics on my Kindle. So reading or watching, I am all set.

THIS IS MY LIFE

A brief example of life with pain. Night before last I was eating deli potato salad at 3am, again nothing like any homemade potato salad I have ever eaten, but I was eating it so I could take an Aleve without doing more damage to my stomach than the ten zillion pain pills I’ve taken have done, because I was in so much pain I just wanted to cry.

I know I get really pissed at the morons in the world, and it shows in my posts, but I always try to keep the illness ones at least a bit lighter because I never want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me or whatever. It is what it is, and I live with it, and I still enjoy life every day. But sometimes, sometimes, I just wish I was a ‘normal’ person again and could do what I need to do, do what I want to do, just do, and one whose every single movement did not involve pain. It is never going to happen, so please be patient when I have one of these days, dear readers. I do get over it. Eventually. 🙂