After pondering this awhile, I think I feel that focusing too much on what is wrong makes what is wrong your life. I want my life to be about what is right, what is fun, what is enjoyable, what makes me laugh. I fight for that attitude every day, and usually, I win. Not always, but mostly. I lose more often if the pain is bad for any real length of time, so I’ve noticed. If I write about the bad stuff too much, well….’you are what you think’ is a philosophy I believe in. Or ‘Your thoughts create your world’. That one. I have an old, tired example I always use to explain this. It is raining. I can choose to be miserable and think of it as a lousy day, I hate rain, it’s a gray day, bah, humbug. OR I can choose to be happy and think Oh, rain! I love rain. Flowers, rainbows, yay, rain. The rain is exactly the same either way. It’s me who decides what kind of day it creates for me. MY thoughts. I choose the happy ones when ever I can. So maybe blogging too much about what is wrong is NOT the way I want to go. It’s not the world I want to create for myself. Your thoughts in the replies helped with this, so I am appreciative of them. Nice to have readers who participate. I kind of like that. 🙂
Monthly Archives: January 2014
Yes or No?
Came across this today:
about mental health bloggers. I am not one. I am a ‘random ramblings but occasionally about the chronic debilitating illness I have’ blogger. Definitely not a grammar police blogger, either, obviously. I generally try to keep the mental health part out, because friends and family read my blog, and I don’t want them to worry, or for me to seem like the broken, needy one here. But in reality, I kind of am the broken, needy one. My life involves just getting through today, every single day. Struggling to face another day of pain, of fatigue, of not being able to do what I want, go where I want, cook what I want, do pretty much anything that I want. I can’t even control when I sleep. I always, always feel as though I am just hanging on by my fingernails, and it will only take a very small push to send me over the edge. I have run out of coping resources. Actually, I ran out of them a long time ago, and have been running on fumes ever since, so to speak. So my point here is, would it help if I blogged more about that aspect of illness, or is keeping it light the way to go. As light as I can, anyway. I don’t want to be a downer for anyone else, ever. I work really hard to keep a good attitude, and make light even to myself of what each day involves. Chronic, debilitating illness, however fun it is to say, is extremely frustrating and wearing and depressing, and frightening–let’s not forget scary, especially when you live alone like I do, but I am not my illness and so I fight as much as I can not to give in to those emotions. I want to be the person I am inside, not the person illness has created of the physical me, but if it helps someone else for me to go there in my blog, I would at least think about it. Anyone who isn’t related to me have any thoughts on this? Or not. Whatever. I’m good either way.
Here’s a lovely blog I recently came across. I should do this more. I’ll try to remember.
I cannot seem to wake up today. I put eggnog in my coffee, tried to type the grocery list for my homemaker, hit some key or other and it vanished, and I forget the other brain dean things I’ve done. I only got up at 11, so there hasn’t been a lot of time to screw up, but who needs a lot of time for a lot of screw-ups? Not me, apparently.
My friend Tess and I play games that involve finding objects among lots of other objects. We have noted that sometimes, part of your brain knows it saw an object, but the rest of your brain doesn’t recognize that fact. Oh, I am not explaining this well at all. I saw it in passing, but it didn’t register into my conscious brain, maybe. Maybe that’s what happens when we think we have ESP. Part of our brain becomes aware of something, but it doesn’t make it to the conscious part of the brain. IDEK. Just thought is was interesting.
Is from Johannesburg. Cool. She has an accent. She is very nice. She said there is nothing discernibly wrong with me from an endocrinology point-of-view, and some of my current issues are due to being on Prednisone for an interminable length of time. Or forever. It seems like. I am tired today, but had fun yesterday. Did lunch at the Mexican restaurant, and WHY don’t they deliver?, saw the doctor, did a bit of shopping, came home, played pc games with Tess, crashed on couch. Big day, compared to my usual got up, schlepped around, read, slept. Recovery Day. I always forget about Recovery Day, which always comes after Doing Fun/Not Fun Things day. So not doing much today, and not going to feel guilty about it, either.
<-THIS is me.
Trying to avoid all the emails I get from political places. It’s too depressing reading about the crap that goes on. I really can’t change anything by signing petitions, and since that’s the most I’m able to do, I am not going to keep depressing myself reading about stuff. Like the NSA. Don’t want to rad about what my government is doing in respect to spying on me and my fellow citizens. Or the thousands of people who are not getting anymore unemployment benefits after all. Or any of the other shit my country is perpetrating on it’s citizens. Over that.
Am working very slowly on crocheting a beanie-style hat. Is purty. Also, I made actual food for brunch. Didn’t get up til almost noon, so ate after 1pm, since I have to wait an hour after that first pill before ingesting anything but water. That first hour with no coffee is a killer, let me tell you. Ruins my whole day. LOL Oh, is it still brunch if it’s after noon? Okay, I’m done.
Better, I think
Been feeling out-of-sorts since Saturday, but think I’m on the road back. I hope. See the endocrinologist tomorrow, to find out what the tests tell about what is wrong with me. Or not. Tests can only do so much, it seems. I wish someone could say, ‘Here’s the problem. Do this, take that, eat something else, move to Outer Mongolia…’ Something. I wish someone could tell me something I could do to get my life back. Too late, though, I think. Now I’m not only sick, I’m old. No going back from that.
My homemaker Traci put up the new curtains I bought last week. Yellow. Not YELLOW, but yellow. What a difference a color makes. Going to live with them before I decide love/hate, but it is definitely a change to the whole atmosphere of the room. I had wine-colored drapes before. Big change. That’s it.
Really good explanation from:
“…weather doesn’t equal climate. Weather is the lucky guy who comes home from Vegas with a stack of cash. Climate is the casino, and given enough time, no matter how many suckers may hit the jackpot, the house always wins.”
On another note, I had a couple of good days where I went out, and had company, and had fun, and then I crashed. Don’t want to get out of bed, don’t want to do anything, feel blah and angry and what’s the point-ish. This sucks. I hope tomorrow is better, because I’d rather feel great than miserable. Maybe it’s like the after-Christmas let down thing. Maybe. Bah! Also, Humbug!
I am taking massive doses of vitamin D as prescribed by endocrinologist, and I seem to be feeling better. Yay, me. Anyway, feeling better usually means trying to get my act together after having felt like crap for however long. Things tend to get out of hand when I feel like crap. I like to say that you can tell how I’m doing just by the amount of cluttery mess there is in here.
Since I cannot sleep in my bed for a reason I cannot fathom, the bedroom has recently turned into the ‘don’t know, care, or have the energy to figure out where this goes, so throw it into the bedroom’ room. Any ideas, handy household tips, anything, for someone who is usually tired, in pain, frequently virtually immobile, and just isn’t coping most days so spend them on the computer, with Netflix, or on my Kindle reader? That was a question, I think. Anyone?
Update: Well, good grief. Ask and ye shall and all that. http://groupthink.jezebel.com/life-hacks-for-the-depressed-amongst-us-1495870293/@whitsongordon
Doesn’t mean I’m not up for more from any readers out there.
Added some pictures (to the folder in the last post) of a thing I found years ago I think on Rye Beach in NH. It looks like a slightly squashed chocolate candy, but can’t be. The inside is soft enough to poke a fingernail into, which someone I showed it to once promptly did. (Screaming going on.) Candy melts, it doesn’t fossilize, so what is it? Anyone? Anyone know who I could ask who might know? It’s a puzzlement, for sure.
Pictures from the fire
Screenshots are from The Sun Chronicle
Update: Have not done this shared folder thing before. Emailed dropbox to see how to get it to show captions. Will update if there is a way.
I guess they tore down the building today, but I couldn’t see any of it from here. They weren’t done when it got dark, so am wondering what I will see tomorrow. It still smells of smoke in here, and after I woke from my morning ‘crashed on the couch’, I have been sneezing all day long. Fun, fun, fun. It’s supposed to warm up a bit in a few days, so I guess the ice that coats everything up the street will melt then. It’s pretty in the pictures, but I’m sure it’s dangerous. I know a woman was injured from ice falling off my building several years ago. She sued, too. Now we have inadequate awnings which only extend halfway across the sidewalks, so are completely useless, letting stuff drip onto the middle of the sidewalks. Good planning, folks. Not. I feel bad for the people who are now homeless due to the fire. The Red Cross is helping. I used to know someone who worked for the Red Cross. They do a lot of good that you never really hear about. I’m done. Tired, and sneezy. I noticed my proof-reading sucked last night. Hopefully this is better. Or not. 🙂 Little rambling here, it seems.
Not one of mine. This is from the North side, I am South of here. All the smoke was blowing towards me. Here’s the vid and some articles from the local paper, The Sun Chronicle.
Removed broken link from here.
It’s quarter past one in the morning, in the middle of a big, windy snowstorm, and there is a fire about half a block away with huge billowing clouds of smelly, smelly smoke blowing right at my apartment. And seeping in, obviously, otherwise I would not know it was smelly. Lots of fire apparatus up and down the street, but no people in sight at all. I’m pretty sure it’s apartments above shops where the fire is, so am hoping everyone got out okay. What a horrible night for this. It is one degree farenheit. Too cold to be out fighting fires, or being driven out of your home by one. So now I am wide awake, and concerned for people, at the same time happy it is not MY building. We have been driven out in bad weather before. Not this bad, and only small fire, but not fun at all on a dark and stormy night. That’s it.
Update. 2:30 am I”ve been taking videos with my Nexus 7. Kindle Fire/Nexus 7. No contest. Nexus 7 for the win. Wish I’d bought it first. Anyway, the smoke briefly cleared enough that I could see a very tall ladder, much taller than the four-story building with the fire, and up at the very top is….a fireman. Up in the sky, not against a building, just up in the sky. He starts to climb down, smoke appears, clears, he is going back up again. I hope he is wearing a respirator. And really warm gloves, because frostbite. Temp is now below zero. I am so proud of our firemen. They are always here like a shot whenever there is an alarm (we seem to get our fair share of falst ones), always polite and friendly and professional, and good grief! Risking their lives on a little ladder sticking up into the sky.
I threw everthing I could think of into my purse, meds, chargers, cell, etc. and got out my own hat and gloves just in case, because I did see a burning ember fall down right in front of my window. Half a block isn’t that far away. Best be prepared.
Another update: Almost 4am, and there is still so much smoke it’s hard to see what’s going on. I think I saw some flames a bit ago, but not sure. Dug out my binocs and the smoke cleared enough to see the top of that ladder, which is coated with ice and icecicles. I forget how to spell icecicles. Oh, lord. Brain dean. Some of the firemen seem to have headed back to the firehouse, which is about a block down the street right under my windows. I really hope no one has gotten frostbite from this. It is freezing just sitting in front of my windows. Also, never get central heating with vents above the windows. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Whoever thought this was a good idea when they built this place was an idiot. The only good thing I can come up with about having a fire on a freezing cold windy night is the lack of spectators getting in the way. There have been people here and there, but they usually get right back in their cars as leave.
More: It was flames. Got a good luck for a few secs with the binocs. The fire was reported at midnight, so it’s been over four hours for those guys figthting it. The flames are on the top floor, and they’ve been pouring water down on them from that ladder, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. Kind of scary. It’s like any disaster, it’s exciting if it’s not you in the middle of it, but it is freaking cold, that I can’t get past the frostbite issue. You can’t help but feel for those guys. Kind of makes me wonder yet again why guys playing games like baseball and football get paid bazillions of dollars, and firemen and teachers and other people who do work that really matters barely make enough to get by. Priorities, people. Priorities. Wow, this is my first ongoing post. Is that a good thing? IDEK.
Later still: a bit after 5 am. Tedeschi’s semi-opened some time ago, just enough lights to see to make coffee and serve the steady stream of firemen who’ve been in and out since word got out. I think they normally open at 6, but I’m not sure. Smoke is still billowing, but not as much as it was, or maybe it’s just being blown away faster since the wind has picked up considerably. Don’t know why I’m blogging this, just there’s no one to discuss it with, I guess. The cat could care less that there’s a fire down the street. I am getting tired, and may have to crash soon, but I’m hoping to make it til daylight so I can better see what is happening. I was in Tedeschi’s a couple of weeks ago. They sell hard-boiled eggs in little two-egg plastic cartons. The guy said they are a huge seller in the mornings. Every time I go out, I learn something new.
Oh, my. (Thank you, George Takai) I didn’t realize that evey vid I’ve taken tonight has been automatically uploaded to my Dropbox. I love you Dropbox. I was wondering how I was going to get them from the Nexus to the PC, and Dropbox did it for me. I must have set it up sometime or other, unless there really is magic in the world. Harry Potter, anyone? LOL Woo Hoo. Can I post them on here, I wonder? Apparently not. Drat!
OMG. 6:38 am Smoke still billowing. It is 55 degrees in here. I am freezing. Seriously. The heat cannot keep up with the cold air seeing off the glass of the windows. And the wind. Even though the windows have been caulked, cold air is stil coming in. Unless it’s blowing in from the heat vent. I suppose that’s possible. I don’t know. I am just darn cold, and not happy about it. Sheesh!
Well, it’s nearly noon, and they are still spraying water into the building, but most truck are gone, and actually started leaving soon after my last update. Turns out my heat was wonky, which is why I was/am freezing, but I think I got it sorted. I hope. Storm is over, fire is almost out, and it’s warmed up to ten degrees outside. End of the oddest post I’ve ever done.