I am circling it. Had a bright spot when my lovely child came down and we went out to dinner. Other than that, every day is tighter and tighter circles into the black hole of oblivion. Reasons? I like to try to figure out the whys, so let’s see. My homemaker, the one that is okay but no substitute for my Traci, missed the entire week, and I had a fill-in for an hour, who actually would be more like Traci. Quite liked her. Someone to look forward to. No ‘Oh, poor you.” or freaking out over nothing. I was yawning the other day, hand over mouth, you know, politeness and all. She comes into the room, “OMG what is wrong?” “I was yawning.” “Oh, I though you had bitten your mouth and had your hand there to hold in the blood.” Seriously, person? Fucking seriously? Alarmist, anyone?
Plus, the unreliability of people just forces me to realize how totally unable to manage my life by myself I really am. Can’t do this, too much pain to do that, not enough energy for whatever else. Quit fighting. Just accept it, lay on the couch and read Torchwood fanfiction. Nothing really matters anyway, so why even bother pretending to care. I have one friend left, and even she is withdrawing again. People don’t really want to be around someone who is in pain and can’t do the things that people want to do. The fun stuff, like shopping, or walking, or sight-seeing. Maybe I’ll go back to the Trazadone, even if it does make my brain buzz. Drug-induced well-being is still well-being, isn’t it? Someday, it will all just be over. I look forward to that. I don’t have any fight left in me, it seems.
This is a jellyfish.
On a more positive note, I recently read three books by this guy, Kevin Wignall which were in Kindle Unlimited. If you’re into spyish, hitman-y, not the least bit formulaic books where you don’t know from one page to the next what is going to happen, I highly recommend this guy. Reflective, not action-oriented. Good stuff. I read A Death in Sweden, The Traitor’s Story, and The Hunter’s prayer. All different, all very good. Been watching some movies, too. Astronaut: The Last Push was weird, intense, and quite good. The Fundamentals of Caring, which was a feel-good, tug-your-heartstrings movie, but okay anyway. Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day was excellent. Cheering myself up a bit here. It’s a good thing.
A bookstore did this. Found on twitter, I think.
I just keep fighting, it seems. I guess it’s a good thing. The black hole is not a good place to be. I know. I’ve been there. Please, nobody feel sorry for me. I hate that.
Little update: Scrolling Tumblr, came across this from QuoteMadness, and it’s true, because just posting about stuff makes me feel better. I bring my own light. 🙂