I am circling it. Had a bright spot when my lovely child came down and we went out to dinner. Other than that, every day is tighter and tighter circles into the black hole of oblivion. Reasons? I like to try to figure out the whys, so let’s see. My homemaker, the one that is okay but no substitute for my Traci, missed the entire week, and I had a fill-in for an hour, who actually would be more like Traci. Quite liked her. Someone to look forward to. No ‘Oh, poor you.” or freaking out over nothing. I was yawning the other day, hand over mouth, you know, politeness and all. She comes into the room, “OMG what is wrong?” “I was yawning.” “Oh, I though you had bitten your mouth and had your hand there to hold in the blood.” Seriously, person? Fucking seriously? Alarmist, anyone?
Plus, the unreliability of people just forces me to realize how totally unable to manage my life by myself I really am. Can’t do this, too much pain to do that, not enough energy for whatever else. Quit fighting. Just accept it, lay on the couch and read Torchwood fanfiction. Nothing really matters anyway, so why even bother pretending to care. I have one friend left, and even she is withdrawing again. People don’t really want to be around someone who is in pain and can’t do the things that people want to do. The fun stuff, like shopping, or walking, or sight-seeing. Maybe I’ll go back to the Trazadone, even if it does make my brain buzz. Drug-induced well-being is still well-being, isn’t it? Someday, it will all just be over. I look forward to that. I don’t have any fight left in me, it seems.
This is a jellyfish.
On a more positive note, I recently read three books by this guy, Kevin Wignall which were in Kindle Unlimited. If you’re into spyish, hitman-y, not the least bit formulaic books where you don’t know from one page to the next what is going to happen, I highly recommend this guy. Reflective, not action-oriented. Good stuff. I read A Death in Sweden, The Traitor’s Story, and The Hunter’s prayer. All different, all very good. Been watching some movies, too. Astronaut: The Last Push was weird, intense, and quite good. The Fundamentals of Caring, which was a feel-good, tug-your-heartstrings movie, but okay anyway. Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day was excellent. Cheering myself up a bit here. It’s a good thing.
A bookstore did this. Found on twitter, I think.
I just keep fighting, it seems. I guess it’s a good thing. The black hole is not a good place to be. I know. I’ve been there. Please, nobody feel sorry for me. I hate that.
Little update: Scrolling Tumblr, came across this from QuoteMadness, and it’s true, because just posting about stuff makes me feel better. I bring my own light. 🙂
Chin up. And all that. Or whatever… Nice jellyfish, is that really what it is? Doesn’t matter to me if you can’t shop or sightsee. Sightseeing’s highly over-rated, I reckon. At least you’re still blogging, which is more than I’m managing at the moment. Was going to do some gardening today… only 5.26pm… maybe I can still get out for half an hour? The building doesn’t seem to be progressing at all, again, and there are all the most awkward boring home renovation jobs left over that I keep putting off, with no excuse at all. At least the bathroom ceiling’s not leaking at the moment, that’s something, right? Should I patch it up and paint it, or will it leak straight away again?
Amazing enough, to me anyway, if I write it down, it seems to help tremendously. I used to keep a journal, but they stopped making the notebooks I used, and I just couldn’t get into using anything else. Yes, I am weird. So now I put it on here. Sorry, readers. 🙂
PS this made me laugh today. I know it’s awful, that poor bird must have lived with some ghastly people, but he can sure give his opinion! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f8xnaDIAow&t=2s
It’s like the bird isn’t just repeating words it’s heard, it’s feeling the emotions that go along with them. Don’t know all that much about talking birds, but they do seem pretty interesting.
It certainly know that some kinds of words go with some kinds of feelings and situations. Goes to show that there’s more to language than the actual words and their literal meaning.