Monthly Archives: February 2008

>It’s Leap Day

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> An artificial construct to make an artificial time-line sync with itself. And it’s COLD outside. 20 degrees. Went across street to convenience store for some milk and wine since it’s supposed to snow later. Going to make bread pudding, so need more milk. Going to drink wine, so needed wine. A nice and cheap Chardonnay.

I had a good day today. And yesterday, although by last evening I was in a lot of pain and completely, totally exhausted. But fine today. Had a nap this afternoon, which helped. Simon sat on me throughout the nap, which made for a nice and warm nap.

I mentioned my Green Mountain delivery. It came packed in brown paper, which was cut throughout. I put the box by the cat’s platform and Simon pulled out a piece and proceeded to stretch it with his teeth and made a little nest. Then this morning, when I got up, brown paper and the white paper which was also included, were all over the living room. NOT torn up, thank you very much cats, just all over. They must have had fun while I slept. Sometimes when I get up, there are clumps of cat hair all over the rug. What were they doing? So long as they don’t wake me up, I don’t really care.

Happy Leap Day, everyone.

>It’s still not spring yet

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But it will be, sooner or later. We had rain today, and most of the leftover snow is gone. I am feeling very non-productive. I have things that have a deadline that I haven’t even begun to work on. And the deadline is before the end of the week.

Cannot seem to get myself together. Yesterday I was up til 5am messing about on the old pc. So today I got up at noon. My coffee stuff came from Green Mountain, so I called a friend to come over and see my prezzy. I got a little something for her, too, so it was worth the trip. I hope.

I got a new grinder, among other things. My old one is thirty years old. Still works, but I’m going to reserve it for spices, which I don’t grind that often, so it should last a few more years. Part of it disintegrated several years ago, but it still grinds.

Been having a lot of walking problems lately. Really hurts a few hours after I’ve walked, and the walking itself is kind of wobbly. Good thing I don’t have to go out much. Yesterday we went to Walmart (yes, I know, I hate it, too, but I’m poor) and Christmas Tree Shop where I bought nothing. Hooray for me. On the other hand, I stocked up on some things at Walmart, so money was still spent.

I finally got the room plan worked out, but now I will need a new table or computer desk or something similar. I think I’ll check out Freecycle. Off to find some food. Oh, and my new homemaker volunteered to move furniture for me. For free.

>It’s Not Spring Yet

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It’s only 25 degrees out. Darn chilly, if you ask me. Had a pretty good day. Talked to a friend in Florida, had another friend over for coffee and on-line games, and did a small amount of rearranging in the kitchen. Wanted to do more, but got tired. Yesterday, I slept til 2pm, and for the several days before that, I was just in pain and did nothing but lay around or play on the computer. I’m going to try to get some more done before tv time later. Tonight it’s Mythbuster’s McGuyver episode. RDA I miss SG1.

>Thoughts

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I am needing to declutter badly. I rarely cook, yet I have all the pots and pans and roasters and gizmos that I had when I did cook. I don’t want to let them go, because I may need to cook a roast or something some day. Right? It occurred to me that I don’t want to let them go because if I do, it means I will never need to cook a roast again, or do anything to feed anyone else. It means that part of my life is truly over. I’m not sure I’m ready to accept that yet. Having a debilitating illness involves so much accepting of things you cannot change, when is the one that does you in finally? You’ve accepted so many limitations, and life changes, and losses, already. Is giving away a roasting pan the final straw that means your life really is over?

I want to live again. I want my life back. I want to be that person who had a wonderful job and had fun and was enthusiastic about things, instead of this person whose main goal in life is just to get through today. Just survive today without giving in to the pain, giving in to the fatigue, giving up on any semblance of anything but existance. I want to keep trying, keep fighting, but some times it is just so hard, and feels so futile. Do I have learned helplessness, or am I really helpless, in the sense that I can’t help myself do the things I want/need to do, things that would make my life cheerier and less stressful?

After this past 14 months, the worst since I became ill, I am living in a cluttered, disorganized mess. I don’t even open my mail, sometimes for days or even longer. What does it matter? What does anything I do or don’t do matter? I am not happy about feeling this way. I am not wallowing. I am just frustrated at my inability to get done those things I want to get done. I know how I want things to be, I am just physically unable to get them there. It wears you down. It makes you sad. I don’t like feeling sad. I need to find something positive to focus on, and move on. Can I?

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> It’s been an interesting several days. I’ve decided to give up on the sleeping pill after reading a new insert that came with my latest renewal. One of the possible side effects is goodbye to the liver. Soooo. Thursday, I was up all night. Slept about 4 hours Friday afternoon. Slept some Saturday, took a pill Saturday night because I wanted to be awake to go to a friend’s on Sunday. Got up at 11 am on Sunday, and was awake til 4am Tuesday morning. Slept 14 hours once I did get to sleep, and got up at 6pm tonight. It sure makes life interesting, this. I do feel somewhat clearer-headed without the pill, so that’s all right. I’m going to be interested to see if I can hold out, and will my sleep schedule normalize if I can. I’ll keep all of you invisible, uncommunicative, possibly nonexistant readers updated.