>About that test I took yesterday. I was kind of interested to realize that I was pleased when I skewed way over to the male side. Why? I think I don’t really like girls/women that much. From the time I started school, I always hung out with the boys. They were more fun, played better games. Girls seemed catty and petty and superficial. I wanted to hang out with the guys. I wanted that freedom that males in our society have. My brother got to do a lot more fun things than I did. He got to learn to swim. My sister and I didn’t. He got to make messes in the back yard while working on his bike. I had to stay in and help CLEAN. Ewwwwww. Different expectations based solely on gender. So, my peeps, I have been musing on this. It has occurred to me, way too late, as most things in my life have been, that I spent most of my life trying to be something I was not. I was not cut out to be a wife and mother. I hate housekeeping, I don’t love cooking, I can’t sew, I own an iron, but haven’t used it ever.
I love when I finally, finally figure things out. Life is a never-ending learning experience. That’s what makes it so great.
I was a terrible mother. Ask my DDs if you don’t believe me. Why? I didn’t have a clue. I grew up with an alcoholic father and our lives were constant chaos and upheaval. My mom did the best she could, but really, we had no normality to our childhoods, and therefore no idea how to parent. I’m much better at things now. Too little, too late.
I wanted to be an explorer, a jet pilot, a cowboy. All things girls didn’t even consider as possibilities when I was growing up. At least, not any girls I ever knew.
Someone said that maybe I don’t like being a woman. I don’t think so, was my reply. But I have never been girly. I do not like make up, dressing up, wearing skirts and dresses, heels and stockings, primping and fussing. I want to get up, throw on my jeans and shirt, and go. Life is waiting. Course now that I have this fibro thingy, it’s a moot point, but the feeling still lives within me.
I feel really happy to have realized something about myself that I wasn’t consciously aware of til I took that test.
I don’t wish I were a lesbian, I like men…I’d just rather be a guy, I think. Or else live in a world where I could just be me as I am. Which I can, except that I can’t.
If I’m not making any sense, well, I think I don’t care. I’m just enjoying putting this in black and white for myself. After a lifetime of always feeling out of place, like I didn’t belong and didn’t get the joke, I finally actually like who I am. I like me. I am happy. I have fun every day. All by myself, usually, just me and my computer. Also, it’s another gorgeously frabjous day. How can anyone not be deliriously happy just to be alive.