Monthly Archives: March 2007

>April

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>In a few seconds, it will be April. Spring. We had our first real spring day a few days ago. Cool, not cold, sunny, you could smell the earth. What an experience. Sometimes I think it would be great to live where it was 65 degees and sunny all year, but days like the afore mentioned make me appreciate the seasons so much. Having something to look forward to, having new experiences with the weather all the time. It’s a great planet. Been watching Planet Earth on tv. There is some amazing stuff on this world, and a lot I was completely unaware of. Things like this make me glad to be alive in a time when I can see things on my tv from anywhere and everywhere.

>Life sucks, then you die

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>I was thinking about Richard Jeni today.

The reason they call severe, clinical depression ‘the black hole’ is because when you’re in it, there seems to be no escape, no way out. It is excruciating, unbearable, hopeless pain, and you think the only way to make it stop is the welcome oblivion of death. So he killed himself. How sad.

There is help, but it has to be the equivalent of intensive care for accident victims. Round the clock care. I guess he didn’t get that. Life sucks, then you die. I’m sorry.

>Tuesday

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>Went out with Tess today. Then played with Misty. Fun, but very tired and achy now. Was hard not to go back to bed this morning, but I really didn’t want to bail one more time.

Downloaded IE7, and a new bookmark add-on, Bookmark wizard, which displays IE favs as a webpage. Pretty cool. Boring looking, but neat to have them all there in front of you, with addresses. I printed it out as a backup, too. Nothing on tv tonight, so just going to play on here til I fade.

Here’s another blog I found a couple of days ago. Makes me sad. http://gocomics.typepad.com/the_sandbox/

>Life is hard

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>Almost lost this blog, forgot how to get to it. Been very, very ill for the past month or so. Started with bursitis, then sinus infection. Got meds, infection cleared up but not bursitis. whole thing brought on major flare. I have slept most of the month away. Since mid Feb. Last night I slept 12 hours. Twelve. Today, when I woke up, I felt pretty good, took a shower and washed my pj’s, then I was tired, and vegged mostly. Feeling very sad. Why? I think I’m just lonely, overwhelmed with this illness, fighting to keep up with things, keep in control of my life, and not succeeding at all well. I need help. I am not managing my life at all lately, for quite awhile, really. I don’t even open my mail sometimes. Then I think, well, why should I get help, I didn’t go help Mama. I am a bad person. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go. I couldn’t help. I wasn’t able. I feel very bad because I didn’t, even though in my head I KNOW I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live there, I couldn’t take care of her, I couldn’t manage her life. I can’t manage mine. I’m sorry. I am so worn down by this illness. Some days I just don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to try to keep a schedule, get up on time, go to bed on time, eat, whatever. I want a vacation from being me, just for awhile. So I can regroup, get it together, get back in sync. Only I wouldn’t, because the illness would still be there when I got back. Life is hard.