This is kind of a n/a question, virtually all my days have zero obligations, unless I have an doctor’s appointment. Yes, it’s true. I have no life. Here by myself about 99% of the time, and now I don’t even have Gertrude for company. I really miss Gertrude. I keep looking at the shelter page, but I am reluctant. Not sure why. I am plugging along, trying to push myself to do things in spite of pain and exhaustion. I just made hot dogs. Yay. LOL

So 7-11 bought Tedeschi’s (all 180 of them) and that’s who’s going in across the street. They started out cutting the hedges, then brought in the containers, then a dumpster and a huge and I do mean huge semi. It’s probably three times as long as that red dumpster you see. They been two days now unloading things and the semi is gone and boxes everywhere and the dumpster (tip, I think) has been dumped at least once. A lot of work in a short time. Men lugging heavy things around all day. Hope they get paid well. They’re just getting started here:

I always think it’s a bad choice to let companies gobble each other up. It eliminates competition and they then can charge higher prices and use more shopper-unfriendly tactics to maximize profits. I blame Reagan and deregulation. Look what Amazon is doing. I used to like Amazon, but they seem to be trying to take over every kind of market. This is not good for me and you, people who need to buy things to survive.

There is so much unbelievable crap going on today, and it just all seems to get a pass. Someday, people are going to wake up to what’s been happening, but it will be too little, too late. When your freedom is gone, and big corps control every aspect of your life, well… I’ll probably be dead by then, but if not, you will not get an iota of sympathy from me for your wilful disregard of what’s right for everyone, not just for you personally. And even then, it isn’t going to be right for you, either. Where’s my teeny little violin?

Absolutely…if I’ve been up all night, like I have this morning. Otherwise, I normally don’t get to sleep til 4 or 5 am. My body clock is so messed up. I’ve tried for years, everything I’ve ever read or heard about (including meds) to change it, but nope. Body does what body wants.

Saw my ophthalmologist today, and I don’t have glaucoma (my grandmother did, so it’s a concern) and if I was going to get genetically induced glaucoma, I would have by now. I have a teeny tiny cataract in my right eye, which probably won’t be a bother for years, and my prescription has not changed. Something good has to show up sooner or later, right? There are odds and all. So I am pretty pleased.

I did have to ask my primary care doctor for more antibiotics for the ear infection, which has only gotten worse with dizziness and almost falling over twice since I finished the seven day scrip. Why they stopped giving ten days of antibiotics is beyond me, because I have never met a person who had seven days and did not get sick again. I mentioned this to the person taking my blood, and she said she had a sinus infection, seven days of drugs, a few months later had an abscess in her sinus that affected her teeth and her eye. If you don’t get/take enough antibiotic, it only kills off the weakest germs, leaving the stronger ones to multiply and cause more problems down the line. Is it ‘let’s spend as little money per patient as we can possibly get away with’ insurance? Probably.

I don’t carry a bag. If it doesn’t fit into my pockets, it isn’t going with me When I used to carry a bag, most of my life, I would always have to go every where twice, kind of like Captain Jack, the second time to retrieve the bag I’d left there, So no bag. Here is my favorite one, though, made by my friend Tess for herself. I love this material. I was in a store once, and pulled out my little wallet to pay. The woman next to me looked at it, saw that I have pretty much everything I might need in it, and said something to the effect that why can’t she be that organized and have everything so compact so she could stop lugging around this heavy bag. Made me laugh. If you really think about what you actually ever use out of that bag, you’d ask yourself why you’re hauling the rest of it around all the time. This bag my friend made is very, very heavy. Nooooooo.

Did you know there is something called ‘executive dysfunction’? It’s kind of like when you can’t bring your focus to do the thing you want to do, and you wind up just sitting and reading or scrolling the web or staring out the window. Things I’ve always thought of as ‘stalling’, but not on purpose. It’s like you can’t get yourself together enough to act. Sort of. Anyway, another thing I’ve figured out about myself from Tumblr. All the things I always thought were just me, that there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t figure out, and it turns out that there is a thing called ‘executive dysfunction’, a thing called ‘social anxiety’, a thing called ‘Asperger’s Syndrome’, all real things that other people have as well. Actual things with actual names and studies about and it’s not just that I am lazy or crazy or scatterbrained, which I also used to think I was. Lots of people dis Tumblr for being all twelve-year old girls, but there is a lot of really good information on there, people’s personal experiences with issues that I have too. I’m not the only one. It doesn’t fix anything, but it sure helps to not feel you are just a useless, worthless human being.
I’m going to find out quite soon if I’m diabetic or it’s just the prednisone, which raises blood sugar. One more thing to deal with when I can barely cope with getting up in the morning. Oh, joy. I’m hoping for the prednisone to be the problem, because I am trying mightily to get myself off of it after five years of up and down dosages because my doctor is an idiot.
Also, I am so sick of feeling like crap all day every day. I want a life, please.

All of them. Don’t really have a favorite.

This is something I recommend you watch if you want to better understand Trump supporters. It makes perfect sense, I think. It’s only a couple of minutes long, but you have to listen carefully as the sound is not great. But please, check it out.
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/7/25/1683635/-D-L-Hughley-Offers-Best-Explanation-Ever-On-Why-You-Can-t-Reach-Trump-Supporters
You know what, if you can’t be bothered, here’s a brief synpopsis: Two women,two babies, one dies. The dead one’s mother tries to steal the live baby. They go to the king to resolve the dispute. He offers to cut the baby in half so each can have a share. The real mother tells him to give the baby to the other woman, because she’d rather he live, even if not with her. The other mother says to cut him up, because if she can’t have the live baby, then no one should. (This is a story from the bible, I’m sure you’ve figured out.) So Trump supporters think the country they knew and loved is the dead baby, and they would rather have it destroyed that let it survive without all the things they loved about it. Like racism, and discrimination, and homophobia, etc. They want their country back, or no one should have it. Sort of like that. A ruined country is better than a new and different country that they no longer feel a part of. It’s hard to change the mindset that I am inherently better than you because I am straight and more importantly, white. D.L.Hughley says it better, so please watch. From about 1:50 on is the key part.

I used to.  in a big yellow top-bound spiral pad. You can’t really see that the pages are yellow, but they are. Anyway, they don’t seem to make these anymore, and nothing else felt the same, so now this blog is kind of a public journal, and I have a notepad page saved to my hard drive that I keep personal thoughts on. I cannot draw, so none of that.

More pain, brain is NOT working, and I really, really need to lie down, so here I sit. 🙂

Yeah, I got nothing.

Poured rain a bit ago.  Now it’s just raining.  This is the best summer ever.

Woke up a mass of pain.  Is it the weather?  I can never be sure.  Oh, well.  Made my soup yesterday, and have leftovers, so easy meal.  It came out pretty much like I remembered it,  although the V8 seems thinner.  No added water needed.  It’s a really easy and satisfying meal, which is just the kind of food I need.  So pleased about that.  Yay.  Going to lie down now.

Truthfully,  I have no desire to dye my hair any color.  It is what it is, color-wise.

Finally have windows open since last night.  Livable summer is back!

Am going to try to recreate a soup I used to make and lost the recipe years ago.  Tuna soup.  Forget the original name, but it was tomato juice (I used V8), oregano, diced potatoes, and a can of tuna.  That’s all I can remember.  May need to add some water if juice is too much.  It was really good, in spite of how weird it sounds.

Referencing illness, the prospect of peeling and cubing two potatoes and opening a few cans should not seem like a monumental task.  If I was normal.  Since I’m ill, it seems like a monumental task.  Life with chronic illness is a constant battle.  Sometimes I win.

Just one?  I’m rather fond of broccoli pasta, which is pasta of choice, steamed broccoli florets, sauteed garlic, toasted pine nuts, and loads of grated Parmesan.  Or chicken and prosciutto tortellini and veg (or not) cooked in chicken broth.  Or seeded and cubed ripe tomatoes (or halved cherry tomatoes), chopped garlic, chopped basil, olive oil, which have sat around together in a bowl while you cook fettuccine. Toss, maybe drizzle on some balsamic and grate on some Parmesan, but neither is necessary.  Bet those little mozzarella balls would go good here, too, but have not tried it yet.  Or, white lasagna with no meat, just cheeses.  Yum.  I used to love Papa Gino’s Fenway pasta, but they don’t make it anymore.  Papa Gino’s sucks now.  Their pizza is crap.  Oh, and the restaurant across the street has great penne in pink vodka sauce, and lobster ravioli in amaretto sauce that is divine.  I had way too much bad spaghetti in meat sauce to ever want to eat that again, although I am kind of thinking about a bolognese sauce recipe I’ve read about.  Maybe.  Someday.  If you’ve never made you own pasta and had it sooooo fresh, you don’t know what you are missing, btw.

Still feeling like crap.  Pain, pain, and more pain.  And fatigue.  Serious bouts  of black, black depression.  Missing, missing, missing my Gertrude.  But overall, I am doing pretty well.  Not lethargic, enjoying life in spite of the depression episodes, trying to remember my motto of Never Give Up, Never Surrender.  I’ll fight til they carry me off the battle field.  And it’s supposed to cool off and dry out later.  Hooray.  Had the a/c on for three days now, I think.  And nights.  Ewww.

I DuckDuckGo’d it, I don’t think it matters  LOL

“If two pieces of the same type of metal touch in space, they will bond and be permanently stuck together.

So yes, I still have a brain, and yes, it is pretty normal.  Hooray!

My pain levels keep rising, and I’m not sure why.  Heat and humidity?  The dewpoint went to 81 yesterday.  It’s like living in a sauna.  Summertime, when the living is soupy.

I’d like something with lots of wood, wood floors, plants, and a garden.  You can leave out the friend, because all of mine are married.  I like these, for example.

Temp is 88 degrees Fahrenheit, humidity 77%, dew point 80.  80.  If you go outside, it is like trying to breath thick soup.  I don’t remember a dew point of 80, ever.  Over 50 is starting to get a bit muggy,  over 60 is just plain icky, but 80, omg.

MRI was a breeze.  Took less than half an hour, including walking back and forth from the waiting room and getting ready.  Ear plugs and earphones, and I just visualized my happy place, which is me and my brother as kids, drifting in a canoe, my hand in the water, on the big lake at Twin Lakes, Colorado.  Blue skies, warm day, and sooooo peaceful.  One of my best memories.  Will check for the results on line tomorrow.  Does she still have a brain?  Does she not?  Check this spot.

I mentioned to Marie, my homemaker, that I am having an MRI this afternoon and she proceeded to tell me all the horrible things that go through her mind upon even thinking about having an MRI.  “I just said I’m having one today!  Trying to freak me out?”  We moved on to the horrors of flying, driving through tunnels, especially those that go under water, etc., and would up laughing so hard we could barely talk.  I do like my Marie.  LOL

A/c is on. It’s a yucky day as far as hot and sticky.  Didn’t get enough sleep, so tired and in pain, but I pretty much started the day cracking up laughing, so it’s all good.

This one, so far.

Where I live.  Don’t know when this is from, years before I moved here, but they took the pole down several years ago.  I hated that pole,  blocked some of my view.  Big turnout for the parade.  Parades are short and not a lot of people turn out now days.  Probably because they are so short.

Gorgeous day today.  This has been the best summer.  Hardly needed the a/c at all, maybe three days all together.  I live in the clouds, though, according to a friend, which makes all the difference.  For clouds, read second floor.  Windows all face north, too, which is an advantage in the hot summer days, but not so much the rest of the year.

Was reading an article about effects of emotional abuse in childhood, and it occurred to me why I have chronic insomnia.  If left alone, I usually fall asleep sometime after 4am.  I spent a good deal of my childhood lying awake in bed, waking for the sound of the screeching brakes of my dad’s car coming around the corner and then into the driveway.  He was a violent alcoholic, and a good portion of my childhood was hell because of it.  If I’ve realized this is the cause before, I completely forgot about it.  But it makes perfect sense to me.  I almost always feel anxious as darkness falls, and I just though it was because if I’m doing okay, I may wake up tomorrow doing not so okay again, so why not stay awake?  But I don’t think that’s really the reason.  It’s the leftover terror in my subconscious.  My dad was lovely man when sober.  Quiet, shy, multi-talented, would do anything for you.  A good person.  That all changed when he was drinking.

Reading is good.  You can learn a lot through reading.  I’ve read 51 books so far this year, not counting the ones that were just so bad I never bothered to finish them.  I signed up for Goodreads a while back and challenged myself to read 50 books this year.  I win.  LOL Year is barely half gone and I’m over the goal already.  I am a very fast reader, probably because I have always read everything in sight.  Practice makes you speedy, apparently.

A couple of books I’ve really enjoyed, just because they had nice little stories, nothing too taxing, are The Tour, by Jean Grainger, and Little Beach Street Bakery, by Jenny Colgan.  The latter one has a puffin.  🙂  An interesting book, although it kind of left a couple of things hanging, was Easter Island, by Jennifer Vandebes.

I bought the first book of Game of Thrones for a couple of dollars. Not sure if I’m going to like it.  I’ve never seen any of the tv show, so that could be an advantage.  Movies never seem to be as good as books, and I’m sure the same thing applies to tv shows.

A series that I plan to reread some day are the Amelia Peabody books by Elizabeth Peters.  I loved these books.  She’s kind of a female Indiana Jones, and her husband is kind of an male Indiana Jones.  🙂  Set in the 20’s, if I remember correctly.

I read all the time.  It doesn’t hurt, unless my hands cramp, and laying down, sitting up, whatever, it’s easy with a Kindle.

I also recently read Heidi.  I’ve seen the movie, of course, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually read the book until now.  Lots of religion, and they did kind of treat Peter badly, but I enjoyed it anyway.  It took a few chapters to stop picturing her as Shirley Temple as I read, though.

Feeling a bit less exhausted.  Took three ibuprofen earlier, and less pain = less exhaustion?  Whatever.  I don’t feel like a limp dishrag at the present moment.  It’s a good thing.

I have the rheumatologist tomorrow.  Yay.  Saw my GP Thursday, turns out I have a symptom-less ear infection, second time, so am on Amoxycillin for seven days. And Tuesday I am having a MRI of my brain.  Not sure what I said that sparked her to order one.  I had one when I first got sick, but that was twenty years ago.  I had lesions on my brain then, which I think is a sign of MS, but I don’t have MS, and the neurologist who was meant to explain it all to me was a real jerk and treated me like I was an idiot, so what they really meant I have  no idea.  My current doctor is a much better doctor, so I am hopeful for an explanation of what is going on and what it means.  And if I still have any brains left, anyway. Some days it seems doubtful.

Feeling better leads to wordiness, it seems.  Done now.  🙂

tinty peas.  tintypes.  I am not going to explain this, but it cracks us up all the time.

Loads of all-over body pain today.  Fun times, people.  Fun times.  It is hot and sticky, too, after that glorious pouring rain day yesterday, but amazingly enough, I just have a fan on and the bedroom windows open and it is actually cool and comfortable in here.  Weird.

Still debating the cat thing.  Want the company, don’t want the hassle.  Need to go lie down now.  🙂

Side.  I should have read all these questions before starting this, because they are not exactly interesting or fun.

It is a pouring rain day.  I cannot tell you how much I love pouring rain days.  That’s all my cat books on the table.  And my box with essential oils, which I have been playing with.  🙂

Tried sleeping on my futon last night.  I figured out it is just too hard.  Maybe a piece of memory foam cut to fit would help?  I don’t know, but my entire body hurts today.  Like sleeping on the floor.  Noooo.

I have lost over ten pounds in the past month, basically because I am not eating much at all.  Day before yesterday I had chips (crisps) with sour cream (nothing to add to make an actual dip), and a package of six tiny cheese crackers.  Yesterday I had the crackers and a chicken hot dog. Chicken hot dogs, fyi, have no flavor at all.  Next time I am specifying Nathan’s to my homemaker, who does the shopping for me.  I am trying to figure out what to eat that I can manage to prepare, and that actually is something I would want to eat.  I need protein, I think. Instead, I’ve eaten corn chex a lot of days.  That and a cup of coffee is it for the day, some days.   I seem never to feel hungry at all, and only eat because I have to with some pills I take.  This started before I lost Gertrude, so it’s not depression over losing her.  Not sure what is going on, but hey, I lost over ten pounds.  What’s not to love?

Speaking of Marie, I had her watch me make the coffee to see if I was doing something different.  No, I was not.  So why is hers always, always better than mine.  We make it exactly the same way.  Same water, same coffee, same pot.  This is making me crazy.  I  only have one cup a day and I want it to be really good.  Unfortunately, she won’t come every day and make it for me. I did ask.  🙂

Trying to avoid as much political crap as I can, but I still do sign petitions here and there.  Today there was one to have members of the gov have to use Trumpcare if it passes, just like the rest of us.  As it is, they get everything free.  They have no connection to actual people, of whom I’m not sure they are ones.  This country has fallen into such disgrace.  I blame really bad education.  Seriously.  The level of ignorance is appalling.  What do they teach in school now?  Very little, I think.

I do.  I used to whistle a lot, too.  Didn’t realize it until a neighbor said she always knew it was me walking by because she would hear me whistling.  I love music, and love singing along, but I don’t do it as much now because when I was intubated for knee surgery, they kind of messed up my vocal chords and my voice gets really raspy really fast.  Oh, well.

I am missing Gertrude a lot.  Really a lot.  Am considering going to the pound and seeing if any cat there and I just hit it off, like Simon and I did.  I still have everything, didn’t take anything to the shelter to donate yet, so it wouldn’t be a big stretch.  I’m not loving being the only living thing in my apartment, aside from the plants, which are not really great company, even though they add a lot of ambience.  I have wanted a dog for years and years, but not sure I could always walk it, so it’s a no.  Besides, and have I said this before?, cats are BENDY.  I like bendy.  LOL  Saw a clip of a comedian talking about how he dropped his dog, and you can’t drop dogs.  They’re like old people and you have to be careful with them.  But, heck, you can bowl a cat.  I can’t find the clip.  I can’t find the clip.  Drat!

None, I guess.  I used to crochet a lot, and do a lot of things with herbs, purchased and home-grown.  I need to start doing things again.  If I could get past the pain and lethargy to a feeling reasonably human again.  It will happen, she says confidently.  HA!