>Got this from my DD #1’s blog.
Having a little introspective moment here. Something occurred to me just now. I can be a real jerk sometimes. Consciously, I don’t mean to be, it’s just who I am, giving people a hard time, being a pain in the ass. However hard I try to convince myself that I am an okay person, just a bit strangely peculiar, slightly eccentric, but not malicious, I always end of feeling like shit about myself. Anyway…….it just dawned on me, I think I am subconsciously trying to drive people away before they leave on their own. I’m kind of surprised that I didn’t really think of that before. I’ve lost everyone I cared about in my life, from the time I was very young and my cousin and I lived with our grandparents. Her father came and took her away. She was my idol, a few years older, and helped me cope with a difficult world. Then, my mother wanted me to live at home when I started school. I was terrified of my alcoholic father and dreaded it, but had to go. From then on, life was hell. Then my grandfather died and my grandmother went to live with my aunt. This was all before I was nine. More losses followed, with the worst being the loss of my granddaughter, and then my husband, who left me and later died. I never see my children, and our relationship is sometimes very rocky, sometimes okay. I always have in the back of my mind that I just need to be alone all the time, because I am so bad with people and don’t deserve to have friends. So, the driving them away. I think I am one strangely peculiar, eccentric, crazy, and broken person. Mostly broken, and broken beyond repair. I know. I was in therapy for years after my husband left. Some things can’t be fixed, and I think I am one of them. I used to just think I was scatter-brained, dense, too stupid to know what was wrong with me that made everyone dislike me, but now I know that I am all of those as well as really, truly, broken. That’s it for today’s episode of self-indulgent feeling sorry for myself-ness. And a big boo-hoo, let’s all feel sorry for Jean from the world. Shit.
>I just had a lovely email from Nolan, from here:
I am adding the site to my blogroll, which has needed updating for quite some time anyway. So check it out, people. More information is a good thing.
>In spite of some serious misgivings about Matt Smith as the new Doctor, I really think he is amazing. I am loving Eleven. The latest ep on BBCAmerica is reviewed in the article I’ve linked below. It is one of my favorite Who episodes ever. I love Bill Nighy in any and everything I’ve ever seen him in, I loved the portrayal of Vincent, and I didn’t even mind the cheesy monster, because the story of Van Gogh was so touching and real. If you have to wait for the DVDs I’m sorry, but it is worth the wait. There are some spoiler vids included in the review, so don’t play them if you don’t want to know. Here’s the link:
Edit: More Good Who to View
>It’s 90 degrees with a dewpoint of 72. I think that qualifies as summer. OH, how I love my central air.
Had a nice Saturday. When to a friend’s house to hang out and another friend I haven’t seen in quite a long time was there. Lovely afternoon with lots of chatting. Chatting is good. My friend is buying a house near New Bedford, Mass. Her husband just retired after being a teacher and administrator for a long time. I think he’s going to work at Home Depot now. We both love tools and gizmos. He got a gift certificate from there as a retirement gift and bought a portable table saw thingy. I am so jealous. LOL I tease him that if he actually got a job there it would be like when I worked in a greenhouse. I never saw my pay because by the time payday rolled around, I’d already spent the money on plants and pots and other gardening items. I even got a raise and didn’t notice til my boss mentioned it one day. LOLOL
I am getting lots of fruit and veg today. Have plans to make summer dishes like four bean salad and hummus. Usually what happens when I get lots of ‘ingredients’ is that I have a flare and don’t have the ability to actually use them. I’m hoping that won’t happen this time.
Does anybody still watch tv? I have gotten so bored with it, and so tired of all the commercials, that even if it’s a program I like, I more often than not will just turn it off at the first commercial break. Too much wasted time maybe? Although I don’t have a problem wasting time on the computer, but then what I see/do/read is my choice, not the networks. Geez, I am rubbish at punctuation. There’s not many programs left that I really like, anyway. Eureka is one I do enjoy. Oh, and The Big Bang Theory. I love that show. And Chuck.
Anybody out there? Anyone? No? Well, I started this blog sort of for myself, so if no one else reads it, I guess it really doesn’t matter. I at least have a place to look back and see how I was doing at different points in the past. Worse, better, the same? I do notice trends, or cycles. Things are bad with the illness, things are better. I am depressed, I am not. Everything changes, which is a good thing to accept in life. I think it’s the most important part of Buddhism, to not be attached to things being a certain way. That is the cause of much unhappiness and dissatisfaction. What is, is, and tomorrow what is will be something else. Or, as my latest favorite quote says, “Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it.” Oh, yeah.
>I like memes, I guess. LOL
Take Which Doctor Who companion are you? (girls) today!
Created with Rum and Monkey‘s Personality Test Generator.
Oi! Wotch it, Martian boy! The Doctor thinks he can spout all kinds of ridiculous technobabble and ‘Last Time Lord Angst’ at you just because he’s from outer space, huh? Well, you’re not having any of it! You’ve got a heart of gold and a will of iron, and you’re a rather boggling combination of a romantic idealist and a staunch realist. But you never let logical paradoxes get to you; you prefer to shoehorn the universe into a little box of your own perception. More often than not, it fits… probably because the universe is too intimidated to argue!
>Muggy, muggy, muggy. Even with the a/c on all night, it is very, very humid in here. On the other hand, so far, I’m feeling okay today. Slept all afternoon yesterday. Tired was Us. Then slept a few hours last night on the couch. So I am up early (for me) waiting for a delivery. Excitement! I don’t really buy stuff very often, but when I do I use Amazon or Overstock.com and go for free shipping. I like free shipping. Sometimes shipping costs are more than the actual item. I’m not paying that. Eating my yogurt, made coffee in my little vacuum pot, and playing on here. It’s a good start. I think my friend Tess is coming over later to view my purchase, too. If it just wasn’t MUGGY! Oh, I really do not love muggy, although apparently there are some very odd people who do. What is wrong with them?
Upping my meds has helped. I have been feeling much better. Less pain is always good. It means I’m not as worn out from coping with it, my mood is better from not having to cope with it, I can do more, it’s all good. Pain affects every aspect of life. In ways you may not even be aware of at the time. Only when it’s better can you look back and see those subtle effects. Ah, well. Time for that coffee.
>This is a bit long, but very, very worth watching. Rachel Maddow at her best. Why can’t people who are really in office/power have the same clarity and determination? Please watch this.
Edit: Here’s a couple of pictures for you:
Today seems to be an oil-spill info rich day on the sites I read, so I’m just adding more as I come across it:
>I’ve been awake all night. I slept last night (Sunday night), but was up all night the night before. This is a very strange illness. Loss of muscle strength, complete exhaustion, pain, and inability to sleep. Pills help, then they don’t. Wait a week, a month, a year, and that particular medicine MAY work again. Or not. Could somebody please just fix me? I’ve had this since 1997, and it got old after the first five minutes. LOL Oh. I forgot the mention the memory loss, the brain fog, the inability to process information in a timely fashion. Sometimes I have to read things several times, on several different days, before I understand what I’m reading. Sometimes I don’t remember what you said seconds after you said it. Makes life interesting. Oh, well. It’s a beautiful day. The gray is finally gone. No more rain for awhile, I think. I like rain. It’s nice to have sunshine now and then however. So. Should I try to sleep, try to stay awake all day, sit here and stare at the wall for awhile? I’ve stayed awake (NOT by choice) for up to three days, and still needed to take medication to sleep. Oh, I think I’m grouchy. Later, readers.
>I think I’ve said I grew up in Colorado. When I was very young, we would have the odd hailstorm here and there, but never anything like this. At least that I remember. I totally agree with the OMG’s here, but they are slightly overdone, and I wish the guy had held the camera steadier. Still, this is OMG!
>I love Legos.
On the illness front, much less pain since upping my meds. The gorgeous cool and low humidity weather has got to be helping too.
Yes, I am angry. Really angry. And sad. And depressed. And disgusted. And broken-hearted. I wonder how people can be so self-centered, and narrow-minded, and unfeeling, and uncaring. But most of all, I wonder how people can just be so darn stupid. I debated posting more about the oil catastrophe. Should I post the pictures? Should I post them under a warning? Should I just let it go? Today I came across two articles that made the decision for me. No warnings. This is life in America today.
The blog posts:
Here’s a petition to spur the government to find alternative energy sources:
If this all offends you, imagine that you are that bird, and all the other birds and creatures in the same condition.
>EDIT: Found the missing post. Scroll down a bit.
But first, that sinkhole is still darned scary. If you click on the picture, you know, it goes full size. What is that when the sides end? That is freaking me out.
I mentioned the insomnia. I was up almost two days before I finally fell asleep this time. Got up at 3pm today. Sitting here, I realized, I feel sort of disconnected from things. Like I am here and the rest of the world is moving around and past in another time frame. It’s a strange feeling. Like I am not part of the world. Or maybe it’s just too much fan fiction affecting my sense of reality. The Doctor Who universe is all about time travel, isn’t it?
Less pain today. It’s a good thing. A really good thing. That was getting me very grouchy. It’s gray, and hot, and humid, and even though I’m indoors with the a/c on, it is still unpleasant. So I’m still a little grouchy. LOL
EDIT: I keep forgetting to tag my posts. OH, well. But here’s another article about the (not really a..) sinkhole. http://geotripper.blogspot.com/2010/06/piping-structure-at-guatemala-city-dont.html
I only recently discovered geology blogs, and I am addicted.
Another EDIT: Here’s a great blog to keep up on consumer issues. http://consumerist.com/
Here’s another oil-spill article:
You may think you don’t need to worry about things like an oil spill in the Gulf, because it’s was far away from where you live. But believe me, this is going to affect your life in ways you cannot even imagine right now. Greed is NOT good, Gordon Gekko. Sorry about that.
>Guess it’s been awhile. Thought I’d posted somewhere in there, but it has apparently flown off into the ether. The ether is getting pretty darn crowded, folks, just from my computer alone.
I’ve been dealing with pain and insomnia, with the odd good day here and there, and I’ve been completely immersed in reading Torchwood fan fiction most of the time. Takes my mind off things that hurt. I went out yesterday with a friend to do some shopping and last night and today I am barely mobile, even with the pain pills. Not complaining, just saying. I’ve been avoiding the news, what with the oil, and the dead and oil-coated creatures all over the gulf, the volcanoes, the storms, and the giant sink hole in Guatemala. I’ll post a picture here if I can find it. What is down there?! That’s just darn freaking scary, if you ask me. Oh, and they had a really massive and unusual hail storm in Denver. I grew up in Colorado, and we used to get hail storms, then we didn’t, but they were never like this one. Oh, climate change, you may not exist, but you are certainly having an effect anyway.
Here is my new favorite quote from here:
“Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it!”
Here is the sinkhole: