Kind of blah today. A friend who I hadn’t seen in some time came to visit last evening. We had a great chat. She watches all the shows, the ones that go on about everything that is wrong,exposays, etc. (Don’t know how to do the accent over the e, so just spelled it out.) Anyway, very angry about everything, as am I, but I don’t watch any of that, I don’t even watch regular tv, just streamers, because I would be angry all the time, and life is just too short. I cannot change anything, or fix anything, so why do that to myself. Everyday of my life is a struggle anyway, so why make it worse on purpose? Had fun anyway, though. She brought dinner from one of our favorite restaurants, and while tasty, it was a huge disappointment. Last time we had it, it was huge mound of mashed potatoes surrounded by a thick, meaty Guinness stew. Fabulous. Last night I had maybe a quarter cup of mash in a sea of thin broth with a bunch of sliced carrots and some tough and gristly beef. What has happened to everything? I can no longer get a decent pizza, my local Chinese is astronomically overpriced, and Papa Gino’s no longer carries my favorite dishes anyway.

I am working to get a new homemaker service, because this one is so not working out. My homemaker, who was not the best at her job but tried, and who I got on really well with and we had good convos and laughing, left. The new one only shows up less than half the time and does the barest of minimum. So after discussing this twice with my case worker, and thinking it was fixed after the first time, I had to call again and she is trying to find another agency for me. It is very frustrating, because laundry does not get done, the store seems to have nothing on my list, although another store that she does not go to , does. So I am ordering delivery from Target, which is going exceptionally well so far. I get free delivery because I joined Shipt, but you still have to tip, and I am a good tipper, which increases the cost of groceries. But at least I get them. I had hoped to cook some things, but the body has gone back into the pain and fatigue phase. The good days never last. Never. I am normally lucky to get one good day in a row, but a couple of weeks ago I had several. Then they were gone. Oh, well.

It’s gray. It’s been mostly gray for some time, which always puts me in a funk, even though I turn on my sun when I get up and leave it on for a few hours. Full spectrum bulbs in the overhead light are a really good thing in the gray days. It is like a sunny day in here while they are on. These are like the ones I have. The cover does not fit on the fixture, but I so don’t care. LOL

I realized that in four more days it will be exactly two months since I have been out of the apartment. How I long for a balcony, at least, but no. I miss outside. I miss getting my own groceries, I miss a lot of things, but it is what it is. I know people hate that saying, but it’s a valid one. It is what it is. Accept what you cannot change and make the best of it. I have my Kindle and my streamers, which I have been watching more of lately. Especially the MHz Choice channel with French and Belgian and German tv shows. Countries look very different that you think based on American shows. One show was filmed in the Dolomites, and I was stunned at how beautiful it is there.

One in Paris has Notre Dame just as part of the everyday scenery shots.

Like it’s just there. I guess when you live with something, it doesn’t seem the big deal for those of us who only see it in pictures or as tourists. Anyway, I am quite enjoying that channel. I hardly watch any American tv any more, except right now I am doing a rewatch of Eureka. I like Eureka. But current or even recent programs are just really of no interest at all to me. I am kind of rewatching The Big Bang Theory for the zillionth time. I loved that show before it became the Whiny Sheldon Show.

My allergies have been horrible lately. Just saying. Wear your masks, be safe, keep others safe as well. It’s not all about you. Over and out.

And it got cold. It’s 39 right now at 9:30 am. Was very gray earlier, sun came out, more gray is moving in from the west now. Had to turn the heat on yesterday.

Still doing okay. Not as good as I was there for a bit, but still better than I was for a very, very long time. Today I need to go downstairs and get the cat food I ordered. It came a couple of days ago, so I hope it’s still there. My homemaker didn’t come yesterday, or she would have brought it up. Deliveries used to come to my door. No more.

The cooking has kind of gone by the wayside again. Just don’t have enough energy. I took a weird class once. Not sure the actual purpose now, but one of the things we did was have to write down exactly how to make a peanut butter sandwich, in case we had to explain it to aliens or something, I don’t know. Anyway, you would not believe how many separate steps there are to making that sandwich, starting with opening wherever the bread is stored, getting the bread out, closing that space’s door, moving the bread to the counter. Opening the bread. Taking out the slices, closing the bread, moving the bread back to that space, opening the space, putting the bread in, closing the space (cabinet?), getting the peanut butter from wherever it is, bringing it to the counter, opening the jar, opening the drawer, getting out a knife, closing the drawer. And on and on and on. It is exhausting when you are in pain or have little to no energy to do each step for whatever it is you are doing. When you are healthy, you don’t even think about it, but for people like me, with chronic, painful, exhausting illnesses, you find yourself constantly making trade-offs. If I do this, will I have enough energy to do that, will I have to go lie down for a while before I can continue, if I skip this will it still come out edible. On so on. So cooking anything more than maybe scrambled eggs and toast is out right now. Again. It was nice while it lasted. I like cooking. I also cannot normally cook and clean up on the same day. Exhaustion and pain win. BUT:

Today I want to water my plants, do the dishes from the past two days, call the vet, send an email to a potential therapist, who I hope can help with cope with being alone all the time and not being able to do what I want or need to do, when I want or need to do them. I have been doing this for so many years, you’d think I’d be an expert, but no. Every time things work out that I am alone 99.9 per cent of the time, which happens more than you’d think, I find myself withdrawing from the world.

We are taught to reach out, but it gets harder and harder to motivate myself to do that. ‘They are busy, they have a life, I don’t want to be a nuisance. If they wanted to talk to me, they’d call me and since they never do, I get that message loud and clear. I am better off alone, anyway. I am not good with people. I have no social skills at all. I always say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and have no idea I’ve done that. Better not to put myself out there in the first place.’ These are the things that run through the heads of people like me. I have learned to be pretty happy on my own, and even if I get in a funk, sooner or later I am able to pull myself out of it. ‘Never give up. Never surrender.’ Thank you Galaxy Quest. LOL