About excentric

I love sci-fi, music, reading, gardening. I am ill, but I am not my illness. Life is good. BTW, have I mentioned that I am a fan girl. Because I Am A FanGirl. Torchwood!

It’s My Birthday

It’s also the first slightly uncomfortably humid day of the season.  Oh, joy.  NOT!

Yesterday my friend Tess brought coffee, flowers, and a cake for two and we watched Jamie Oliver 5 ingredient cooking shows and laughed.  A lot.  Today I got presents from my DDs and an  ecard from a friend, and am spending the day alone as usual.  As I do every holiday as well.  I am so used to it, but it makes it hard to keep track of time when every day is pretty much just like every other day.  Good thing I am good at making myself laugh.  Crazy is good, people.  🙂

Some Things from the Internet

Stop Free Haircuts?
Really? ‘My god, they’re homeless, they need to get out and make money to pay for a haircut. We cannot allow this to continue.’ So pround to be an American.

Who Needs Librarians?
Well, I”m sure you know I’ve said this before, but ignorance is what is wrong with our country. Libraries mean knowledge. Knowledge means not voting for morally repugnant, self-aggrandizing, under-educated morons. So let’s get rid of libraries and librarians. Yep. The American Way.

Lamps are hard, people
I have several lamps. They each have a switch that I manipulate to turn them on or off. Every now and then I have to replace a bulb. Is this beyond the ken of modern humans? Let me pay 600 dollars for a lamp that will turn itself on and off. Okay.

I don’t know, people. Is there any hope for humanity left? We probably won’t be around long enough to find out, based on the climate shit that is going on a super-speed. So whether or not we lose the ability to turn a lamp on or off will be completely irrelevant.

Cynical Jean would love to NOT be cynical, but it’s just not possible in today’s world.

Finally

I think I am out of the slump I’ve been in.  It just hit me all of a sudden, depression, exhaustion, complete lack of motivation.  Better now.  Hope to get outside a bit today.  I hardly ever go outside, and I really need to get some sunshine.

It’s definitely spring.  Windows open, windows closed, a bit too warm, need some heat.  I love New England.  I am anticipating waking up to blooming trees any day now.  The buds are there, they just need to pop.  This one is April 25, 2005.This one is April 8, 2010

And this one from just now.April 17, 2019.  Not so pretty yet, and trees look pretty sad anyway after that butchering the highway department did a few years ago.  Look in the center right.  See that evergreen with the flat top.  I noticed that a few years ago.  It looks like someone sheared off the top, but I think that’s just the way it grew.  Looks kind of weird, though.

Here’s a closeup. Little fuzzy, sorry about that.

This is how I entertain myself, folks.  Taking pictures of trees, weird or not.  I do love trees, though.  Especially when they’re bare and you can see all the branches.

I have now been sitting here for a good hour.  Finally made the coffee, but still have not got dressed after taking a shower.  I  always seem to run out of steam pretty quickly, and then much later in the day, what ho?  I’m awake and have a bit of energy.  I’d like to have that happen in the morning, but have not figured out how to do it.  But it’s a bright, sunshiny day.  I can see clearly now.  LOLOL

Also, I am using my old desktop with Windows 7.  Compared to 7, win10 is a true piece of crap.  Been using it since I had to retire this one for not working about five years ago, and I had forgotten how different and how much more user-friendly 7 is.  Why do they keep ‘improving’ things that aren’t broken and don’t need it.  It seem that every time I buy a ‘new and improved’ version of anything, it isn’t.  Improved.  At all.  Weird thing about the desktop.  It just quit.  Went crazy and nothing worked and I tried everything I could think of to fix it and finally just set it aside for later and bought a cheap Dell laptop.  Then I started it up again a few months ago,and what do you know?  It works perfectly.  Had FIOS come and set it up because it doesn’t have wireless internet access, and it just works so well.  The Dell laptop came with 8, which I did not want, but it had a free update to 10, so I never actually had to use 8.  But 10 was not happy-making.  Geez, Microsoft, are you ever going to get it right?  Judging by the update problems going on right now, I seriously doubt it.  I’d give Linux a try, but now sure I am up for the steep learning curve.  I have a lot of foggy days, and you need a well-working brain to learn new things.  I believe I mentioned the new Dell that I bought to replace the one I’m talking about here.  You know, the new Dell that is actually a refurbed Dell that does not work even as well as the old one.  Thanks for nothing, Dell.

I really need to go find some food and get dressed, so later, dear reader(s) (???).  🙂

Well, chronic illness is so not fun

I have been consistently waking up around 10 am, which is a good thing.  But then, after an hour or so in a fog, I suddenly need to lie down and sleep.  Didn’t I just sleep all night?  Seriously?  I don’t know how to fix this.  This is just a part of the illness, I guess, but it is so very frustrating.  There are things I want to do. Things I NEED to do, but they just don’t happen.  There is no fix for this, in reality.  So it’s just something I have to live with, along with it being spring.  Lovely, gorgeous spring.  The one where I have no outdoors to be in, no garden to work in, no place to go, and nothing to do.  If I could actually do anything worth doing.  It’s the yearly springtime slump, people.  I will get over it.  I always do, because there is no other choice. Life sucks, and then you die.

Seriously

A quote from a blog review wherein we are advised that “living with chronic pain makes you awesome”.  After just living through several days of much worse than normal pain, accompanied by serious shivering at one point, I would just like to say that awesome is NOT how I feel.  Exhausted is how I feel.  Frustrated, angry, upset that I don’t have enough energy to get dressed so I can go down and get my mail.  Had to cancel Friday’s homemaker, and today’s homemaker cancelled due to illness, so no mail-getting for a week.  No trash going out, either, or laundry getting done, or shopping.

‘Chronic pain’ and being ‘awesome’ are not words I associate with one another, ever.  Just so you know.

The Friday Five

Yes, I know it’s not Friday, but I missed this post back then.  🙂

1. What is your least favorite part of Spring?
Random heat waves
2. What is your most favorite part of Spring?
Blossoms, longer days, lots of sunshine.
3. What is the latest good book you’ve read?
The Date by Louise Jensen  A page-turner for sure.
4. What are your plans for this weekend?
Same as every weekend.  Survive without overdosing on pain meds.
5. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Oh, a lot of wood, I think.  A lot of wood.

Gabapentin. Ah, Yes.

I mean NO!  What a disaster.  I took the last 200 mg Wednesday the 20th, and it wasn’t until Monday, the 25, that I was back to anywhere near usual pain levels.  I was in seriously debilitating pain for days.  I could barely move, could barely hobble to the bathroom with my cane to hold me up.  It was miserable.  My joints all felt swollen and painful, my hands felt like clown hands, you know fat fingers with no joints, and were very painful throughout.

I was losing my words, losing my place in space, my asthma went from barely there to using my proair two or three times a day and allergy pills every four hours.  It was not a good thing, so thank you again doctors, and stupid Jean for letting them convince me yet again to try something that I didn’t want to try.  I tell them every time: if there is a one in a million chance of side effects, I will be the one.  I took one pill that was meant to help me sleep and instead made me so hyper I could not be still or shut up.  That was fun.  I called the pharmacist that time (always ask the pharmacist, not the doctor.  They only know what the drug reps tell them, is my take) and she said I need to stop that particular pill immediately because it was doing the exact opposite of what it was meant to do.  Chronic illness is a blast, people.  One fun experience after another.  Modern medicine contributes a lot of that fun.  A lot.

I just want something that will ease the pain without killing me as a side effect.  How hard is that, modern medicine?

On a bright note, I bought the cutest little one mug percolater from Amazon.  I have made coffee with every kind of pot except this one:

Here’s my new one:

Gabapentin Update

Took 200 mg last night, per dr’s orders.  Did not get to sleep any earlier, but had a very hard time waking up and slept til noon.  However, over all, I am much better today.  Much.  Am going to take 100 in the am, and 100 at night and see how it goes that way.  I know someone who takes 900 mg per day, so 200 is still a very low dose.  Hoping for no side effects because of that.

A couple of things.

Trump was signing bibles.  Seriously, I get the man is an idiot and probably senile, but his followers?  What on earth is their excuse?  My country.  IDEK.

Brexit.  Why don’t they just say it was a horrible idea and drop the whole thing?  How hard is that?

Daylight Saving Time.  Same thing.  Just drop it.  No need to go to Atlantic time or whatever, just start work an hour later if you’re that worried.  Or is it an hour earlier?  I really hate DST.  The spring one is just untenable.  Takes for ever to adjust.

Do you realize how stupid our species really is?  The things we do, the rules we make, the horrors we inflict on one another and on other species?  Saw a thing about how earth would do without us, because there is a small island that has been uninhabited for 90 years, and the ocean around it is thriving, because no human detritus, pollution, or waste is affecting it.  We are really the parasites here, doing the damage and ruining life for all the other species.  Except maybe cockroaches.  They seem pretty resilient.  Ewwww.

euo_oceana_eduardo_sorensen1

Update

Gabapentin not doing anything, so waiting to hear from doctor about upping dose.  Pain is not fun.  At all.

Read a post about mental health and praying to get better.  Apparently there’s a belief that there is something wrong with you if praying doesn’t cure your mental health issues.  Does that work for broken legs, and other things as well?  I am so glad I am not religious.

The other thing is intrusive thoughts.  I spent quite a long time in therapy, and the most important thing I learned is to say firmly to myself ‘STOP’ whenever an intrusive thought pops up.  It takes consistency, like anything, but eventually it becomes an automatic response.  It made all the difference to my life.

I have kind of given up on my laptops with win10, and am using the old desktop with win7.  Win7 is so much better and user-friendly than 10.  I forgot in the interim, but now I am amazed at the difference.  At least I skipped over 8, which I did not ever see one good thing about.  Newer is not always better, Microsoft.

 

Struggling

I have been.  The cymbalta messed up my sleep cycle, and the pain has been getting worse by the day, even though I haven’t taken it in a couple of weeks.  Maybe it’s NOT the cymbalta?  Anyway, doctor convinced me to try gabapentin, the lowest possible dose.  Took it last night, and less pain today.  Not a lot less, but less anyway.  Still have an overwhelming need to lie down after being up for two hours.  And that’s the other thing.  DST.  I hate DST with a passion, especially the spring change.  My normal wake up time of 10am is now 11 am, thank you for nothing.

just read a book

There has been a lot to rant about recently, but I have been in too much pain, and my computers have been such annoyances, I haven’t.

Here’s one thing.  Not really a rant, though.  A book.  Wouldn’t it be great if that was the problem, and it suddenly got fixed?  The level of stupidity humanity seems to have fallen to is frankly terrifying.  And now, I really need to go lie down.  🙂

Brain Wave
By Poul Anderson
From a Hugo and Nebula Award–winning author: When Earth finally escapes a magnetic field that has been suppressing intelligence on the planet for ages, humans and animals alike become smarter than ever before — changing the fabric of society.

yez-im-pawsitiv

Geese

goosefamily

Just saw some flying over head.  Such a great sight.  Something about a flock of geese, large or small, that just calls to me.  Probably because way back when there was a song about it.  ‘My heart goes where the wild goose goes, and I must go where the wild goose goes…..’  Music is like smells, I think.  It spurs memories that you may have completely forgotten about.  Do you ever hear a song and you’re immediately back when you first heard it?  Like that.

My sleep schedule is totally screwed again, thank you Cymbalta.  I slept so much recently that I was awake all night, and then slept most of today.  I hate this.  I was doing pretty well, too, with getting to sleep at 1 or 2 am and then waking up at 9 or 10.  Now I have to start all over again. At least I’m not feeling vertigo-ish and slightly confused, as I have been for the past few days. I really do not love having this illness.  Not even a little bit.  But you play the hand you’re dealt, right, and make the best of it that you can.  Never give up, never surrender.  Or so I keep telling myself.  🙂

I Need To Rant

Dell.  My old laptop is slowly dying away, so I bought a new one.  It developed an issue about a month later.  I chatted, they had me send it back for repairs.  They then said it would be a while as they didn’t have the part.  Okay.  Was supposed to finally get it on the fourth.  That day, someone from Dell called to tell me the part would not be available till weeks from now, but I could do an exchange.  Fine.  If I buy something that is broken, or falls apart soon thereafter, I take it back and they give me a new one instead.  Right?  Wrong.  The laptop came today and has a big sticker saying ‘refurbished’.  Wait, I paid almost 600 dollars for a new laptop, it has an issue that was NOT caused by me, and I get a used laptop in return.  I just spent an hour on the phone with Dell,  three different people in two different divisions, only to wind up with, ‘Tough luck.  A year warranty only means it’s a year for things that don’t break.  Things that do break are only covered for thirty days.’  Well, words to that effect.  Let me tell you, I did some yelling, because frustration does not even describe how I was feeling after being told over and over that it’s thirty days and this one will work fine so what’s your problem, Jean?  Loud screaming going on here.  I actually finally hung up on the third guy.  Apparently, in Dell’s world, exchange and replacement are not the same thing, but nobody bothers to mention that.  This is my fourth and last Dell.  Just so you know.

On the Cymbalta front, after taking it for three days, I pretty much slept or was in lala land the next three days.  It did help with the pain, though, I think.  So I skipped a few days and took it this morning.  So far I am still awake.

 

 

 

Cymbalta Update

I seem to be feeling better.  Like something has lifted.  Not sure how to describe it.  Still pain, and tired, but different.  That deep overall ache is gone.  Hopeful Jean is hopeful.

I was thinking about words last night.  My homemaker is from Portugal, and  her English is so not there.  It’s really hard, I think, because words are so weird.  We have reed, read, read, red.  Base, bass, bass.  Bow, bow, bow, bow.  Draught and draft.  I’m confused.  So many words only make sense in context.  I think we eventually just know, from experience.  How many of you know the difference in all the bows, for example?  But for a new learner, it has to be hard.  Not as hard as Welsh, or the Asian languages, but still hard.

This got me thinking about area codes.  I know, I am weird.  Anyway, spoken, it is six, oh, three.  Written, it is six, zero, three.  How confusing is that?  Oh is a letter, zero is a number, and yet we use them interchangeably.  The mind boggles.  Well, mine does, anyway.

It is 9 degrees, and fortunately not as windy as yesterday.  Yesterday we had snow squalls blowing straight across from left to right as I look out the window. And it all just blew away.  None on the ground.

coldoutside

Saw an article about robocalls a few minutes ago, and low and behold is my phone not ringing with one as I type?  I get at least three a day.  Caller ID is so worth it, and my landline has a ringer feature so I can tell if it’s someone I know calling without having to get up and check the phone.

I can tell I am better today, because my brain seems to be working again.  Yay, brain. That’s all.  🙂

Fake Videos and Ramblings

CNN article about fake (doctored) videos.  They did this on Star Trek TOS.  You think you’re seeing someone, but it’s not real.  Like those hideous commercials where they inserted dead celebrities alongside current actors.  How are you to know if what you are seeing is real or not?  The world is getting harder and harder to navigate, that’s for sure.

Ramblings.  About fibro, what else.  Spoke to pharmacist, decided to give the cymbalta a try.  It’s not as hard to get off of as prednisone if it doesn’t help or makes things worse.  Prednisone has been five (six?) years of hell after they first took me off it too soon and I wound up with withdrawal. Fun times.  Nope.  The thing is, it is really hard to function lately, with so much pain and serious fatigue, worse than usual.  I want to be able to do things, so cymbalta it is.  I’ll keep you posted how it goes.

What I Accomplished in 2018

I just saw a post where the person said they’ve seen a lot of posts like that.  I haven’t seen any myself, thank goodness, but here’s what I accomplished in 2018.  I survived.  Yep.  That’s it.  I made it through 365 days of pain and fatigue and frustration and not being able to do what I want when I want.  And every one of those days I found something to smile about.  Something to laugh about.  Every day was a good day, however bad I may have felt physically.  Well, the hot and sticky days weren’t really all that great, even with central air, but otherwise, fine.  It was all fine.  So far I’ve lived through every challenge, every bad thing that’s happened in my life.  I’ve survived them all.  Yay, me.  It’s a good thing. Oh, this says it better:

goodday

 

The Friday Five

importD3

Haven’t done this in awhile.
1. What are your feelings about winter?—-I love winter.  It’s autumn, winter, spring, and summer, in that order.  Summer is hot and sticky.  No.

2. What is your go-to drink in the winter? (alcoholic or non-alcoholic)—-Viking Thaw.  Good hot chocolate, Gosling’s Bermuda Black Rum, and whipped cream.  Also, hot coffee, but that’s a year-round thing.

3. What are your favorite things about the winter?—-Snow, followed by snow.  After that, I like a little snow.

4. How do you deal with the wintry blues?—-Lights.  Lots of lights.  I have tiny little grain-of-rice lights surrounding my windows, too, which make me smile every time I turn them on.

5. What are your least favorite things about the winter?—Day after day of gray without any snow to show for it.

This is them at night, and that’s ice glittering in the trees across the street. From January 20th, when we were in the deep freeze.

2019-01-20 22.03.23

This is today, in daylight.
2019-01-25 14.26.14

What a world, what a world

sad and disappointed

Here’s a headline for you:

Losing Faith?

Here’s another one:

Check out this smug American face

Here’s a quote relating to this last one:

“The students’ display of blatant hate, disrespect, and  intolerance is a signal of how common decency has decayed under this administration.” Representative Deb Haaland, Native American Congresswoman.

And one more:

‘I know, let’s chop down these ancient protected trees, because we can.’

And still one more.  So glad I got up today.

Let them starve. I’ve got mine, so who gives a crap.

I’m not anti-catholic in particular, I just think religion in general is the bane of humanity’s existence.  Spanish Inquisition, Crusades, Jihad, anyone?  But if this is what Catholics are learning in their schools, something is wrong somewhere.  Pedophilia, condoning hierarchies, horrible young people who clearly do not understand Jesus’s teachings at all, well something is seriously wrong somewhere.

Chopping down ancient trees to make room for your atvs to play is not specifically  a religious matter, it’s a ‘what kind of person are you, seriously?’ issue.

I have a chronic, debilitating illness and yet my slightly more than 1200 dollar a month income means I am too rich to qualify for food stamps.  But no matter.  If I was rich, I would certainly not want my tax dollars, assuming I didn’t find enough loopholes to avoid paying taxes altogether, I would not want my dollars to assist those less fortunate than myself, because that is the Christian way.  Wasn’t it Jesus who taught, ‘ I’ve got mine, and if you were too stupid to be born into wealth, or have too much integrity to get rich off of other people’s work, and health, and survival in general, well what has that got to do with me and my hard-won, I mean stolen and/or inherited wealth?’  I need to go back and check those ten commandments, cause I think I got them wrong somewhere.

Angry Jean is so very angry at the world, and the parasitic species called humanity that infests it.  And god, yes, I am one of them.  Help.