About excentric

I love sci-fi, music, reading, gardening. I am ill, but I am not my illness. Life is good. BTW, have I mentioned that I am a fan girl. Because I Am A FanGirl. Torchwood!

How’s It Going, World?

Oh, people, it’s been up, it’s been down, it’s been sitting here every day staring at the world out there. Gorgeous weather than I am not out in. Hate to turn around and look into the apartment, which is kind of in a state of black tornado havoc. Real life is hard. Been alone to long. The signs are there. Mare’s tails, right? Window streaks are because the seal has broken. The other window is much worse. Much worse.

But today, after spending the morning making up a grocery list for delivery, I closed it out without ordering and took a nap. This afternoon I cleaned the kitchen, meaning loaded dishwasher and washed down the stove and cabinets and moved a couple things to better places. Small kitchen, not a lot of places to put things. I am going to make four-bean salad and bake a cake when I’m done here. I hope. It’s only 7:30 pm, still pretty light out, I can pretend it’s daytime, right? Besides I don’t usually get to sleep til 2 or 3 am, so might as well use this time to accomplish something.

Do I dare show pictures of the half of the living room that is a mess. The side with the tv/fireplace/Gertrude’s rocking chair is quite neat. LOL Hmmmm. What does that say?

Trust me, it’s not always this bad. Boxes from deliveries over the past two months that I did not have enough energy to break down. Things on table are from trying to find a place for some things and so far failed. You’ll notice the large expanse of bare wall where there used to be a calendar and a decorative mirror. Gertrude prefers this style of decorating, apparently, since she ripped most thing right off the wall. I move the mirror because she kept trying to make it swing. The fan and clock are pretty much all she left, only because she could not reach them. She just plays with the things next to the pass-through. She is soooo cute. LOL Stay safe, everybody. Just because they say you can mingle, does not mean you should.


It’s going well.  And it’s not going well.  Watching Imagine Dragons live on youtube.  Yes!  Keeping up with dishes and hand laundry, playing with Miss G here and there.  Getting by okay.  But…..I have things I want to do, things I need to do, I made a plan for keeping up with the cleaning and tidying.  So far I’ve done none of it.  Start out well, then with my morning coffee, I fire up the old piece of crappity crap carp laptop, and that’s pretty much it for most of the day.  I have a lot of back pain, which is a deterrent to doing things, but I think I also am just avoiding life, pain, being alone, never going out, etc.  I have been here before, I remember.  Before I had a friend nearby, before I had people coming in to do those things I can’t really do very well, before I was able to go out and have some fun with my friend now and then.  I don’t like this, but I am just kind of going with the flow.  One thing I’ve have learned since getting fibro is that it is completely non-productive to beat myself up over things I pretty much have no control over.  Listen to your body, go with the flow, do what you can, when you can.  Hopefully, things will get better, I will get a grip, my back will miraculously heal and my fibromyalgia will just stop.  Yep. That’s going to happen.  🙂

One of my efriends sent me an email a couple of days ago that they were having really bad storms and tornadoes where he is.  Nothing since.  Don’t know if he’s okay, or if his dish blew off his roof, or what.  Sometimes shit happens. I’ve had a couple of efriends who just vanished, and you never know what happened to them.  Some blogs, too, where the person just suddenly stops posting and never posts again.  Leaves you wondering for a long, long time. What happened to them?  Are they okay?  And you never find out.

Still with the laptop issues.  My ipad works fine, so does my android phone, so it’s not Verizon this time, I think.  Have been using Edge because Firefox is just not working at all well, and trying it today again because why do other browsers not have a ‘save as text’ option, among other things? And the tabs keep crashing.  And crashing.  Looked it up and tried the solution, safe mode with no extensions.  Yeah, that worked.  Not.  I love my Firefox and have used it ever since I got a computer.  I try every new browser that comes along, but always go back because it has the extensions and perks I use all the time.  So why isn’t it working right? Ever since they started the every five minute update schedule, it has just gotten more and more broken.  Is it just me?  Is it like this for everyone?  Frustrated.

Oh, I do love Imagine Dragons.  Radioactive was my first, then Thunder, On Top of the World, which they just now sang live, and more and more and more.  Oh, Believer is up.  Later.  🙂



Is a bit cold.  61 degrees and very windy yet again.  It has been windy every day for over a week or more.  Sky is beautiful with fewer pollutants dirtying it up, beautiful sort of peachy clouds at sunrise today.  I have north-facing windows only where I am.  Two in the living room, where my laptop desk is so I can see out while spending time on line, and two in the bedroom.  One bedroom window is open several inches and I can feel the wind blowing on my back.  In the other room, around the corner.  I drew this on google docs.  Who knew you could even do that?  I didn’t.  The left says ‘me’ and the right says ‘bedroom windows, and where the opening in the line is the wall going straight down.  Hey, I’m new at this drawing on docs thing.  I just thought it is completely bizarre that the wind coming in the bedroom window is blowing onto my back around the corner.  Two corners, actually.  Weird, weird, weird.  Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands here, people.  Happy Isolation.  🙂


My Governor

is a Republican.  I was not happy when he got in, but would you believe it, he has turned out to be one of the good guys, for the most part.  Here is his latest on opening things up.  Compare this to other states that are opening hairdressers and barbershops first, because we all know you will die from lack of a hair stylist as much as from the virus.  Right?  Anyway, here it is. Good read.

Opening Massachusetts

And It Hits Close To Home

One of my youngest daughter’s high school friends has died from the virus.  First person in my extended circle that I am aware of.  They have not been in touch for a long time, but she was a friend back then, and it is very, very sad.

I read a blog where someone said sixteen people in their extended circle have died from the corona virus.

Stay safe. Stay home.  Wear a mask.  Save the lives of your loved ones.  Please.

Is It Me?

I noticed maybe two days ago that the sky looked different.  Couldn’t think how to describe it, but it just occurred to me, it’s cleaner.  Looking towards the horizon, the clouds are usually grayer than those above.  Now, they are not.  I don’t think I’m imagining it.  I sit here almost every day and look at the sky frequently while messing about on the laptop, and it definitely looks different to me.

Meanwhile, I have been kind of blah.  Lots of body pain, tired, not getting much of anything done.  Maybe the vacuuming did me in for a while.  But I did it.  Yay, me.  Looking back at that really good day I had April 14th.  Why can’t I have that kind of day more often?  Stupid fibromyalgia, that’s why.

Seeing a lot more people wearing masks, now that the order to do so has begun, but still not everyone I see, and still a lot of NOT social distancing.  It’s not really all about you, people. It’s about the people you come in contact with, the ones whose lives you are risking, because while you may feel fine, you can still be infected and infect others.  Do you really want to be responsible for someone else’s death?  God, I hope not, but in this country right now, care and compassion and responsibility to others seems sadly lacking in an awful lot of people.  Sad.

I, on the other hand, have at least one good neighbor, who brought up my Amazon packages, knocked, and left. This was NOT the delivery person, cause I’d need to buzz the in, and that didn’t happen.  So my boxes are sitting in the hallway for a few days before opening.  Not too many days, cause one box is cat food, and we are getting pretty low there, Gertrude.  Cardboard is supposed to be okay after 24 hours, but after being as sick as I was in December, I tend to be overly cautious.  Better safe than sorry.

Hope everyone is staying safe, and not putting their own convenience above the well-being of those around them.  It’s a beautiful day today.  Too chill to open the windows, but very pleasant to look upon the new leaves and the fluffy white clouds and the blue sky.  Lots to be glad about.  I was thinking about how privileged I am.  Safe place to live, heat, food, cat, wonderful friends.  These things greatly outweigh any ‘can’t’ situations in in my life.  I will not be holding signs about how poor me’s rights are being violated because I can’t get a haircut.  What about the rights of all those you come in contact with?  The ones with compromised immune systems, the ones with chronic illnesses, the ones who may not be able to fight off the virus and it’s horrid effects?  Do they not matter to you at all?  Do  they not have a right to not be exposed by you to a life-threatening and sometimes fatal illness?  Guess not.  Your rights are all that matter to you.  For shame.

That middle picture shows you what happens when the seal in the window breaks.

Thinky Thoughts


Random things I’m thinking about.  Delivery services.  Just read an article about meat delivery.  You know, like Omaha Steaks, which I’m sure everyone has heard of. There are some really good-sounding places out there, and I have had food delivered before. I tried Blue Apron way back when and then Hello Fresh and What a Crock, which has really good food for your crockpot.  The problem with all of these aside from all the packaging that Blue Apron uses, is the actual delivery. Deliveries used to be brought to my door.  MY door.  For the past few years, they have been left in the outer lobby, which is open to the street.  Sometimes without any kind of notice to me that they have been delivered.  I have a chronic, painful, debilitating, exhausting illness and cannot always get down to the lobby, let alone carry things back up.  So I no longer order these things.  This is another frustration that I could do without.  What happened to service, even before the pandemic?  No one seems to care anymore about anything.  There is no work ethic, no integrity, no quality in the things you buy.  Try buying something, and then buying a replacement or second one a while later.  Same item name, same price, same codes, same, same, same.  Everything except the actual product, which is sometimes completely unrecognizable as the same thing.  I bought a little table top Christmas tree at Benny’s years ago after I first moved here.  It was getting kind of ratty, thank you various cats I’ve had, so I bought a replacement a few years later.  Same store, same box, same everything yet again, but when I took it out of the box, it was a cheap, crappy piece of dreck that looked like it had been made by a kindergartener wearing a blindfold.  Let’s do it as cheaply as possible, maximize our profits and to heck with the customer.  I took it back and still use the ratty one, which is miles nicer even ratty than the new one I bought.

This is everywhere.  Dell.  I’ve gone into my issues with Dell here last year. Clothing.  I buy my clothes online, because shopping is not really happening.  I can buy something, love it and decide to buy a couple more, because it will wear out eventually. The repeat buy is never the same.  Never once have I gotten the exact same item I bought the first time.  Even if it’s been only a few weeks since the first purchase.  Again, everything everywhere says it is the exact same item. but surprise  Less well made, poorer cut, cheaper material.  But nothing tells you this.  It tells you it is exactly the same.  Integrity.  Quality.

Then there’s Windows.  We are all well aware by now of the lack of quality control Windows is currently having.  Every update seems to have an almost immediate flurry of articles about how to fix what it broke or how to uninstall it or just warnings not to if you haven’t. I now always have updates on a delay setting  It’s not like they cannot afford good quality control.  They just choose not to pay for it.

I don’t like feeling like this.  I just want a nice world where people care about the products they put out, the services they render, their fellow inhabitants of this planet, and where people are paid a wage commensurate with the value of what they are doing.  Garbage men, for example. Without them, can you imagine?  Nurses and other health care workers.  The grocery store clerks and stockers, the office cleaners, every person you normally don’t even acknowledge is in the room with you.  These are the people who are now considered ‘essential’ workers and are required to put themselves in harm’s way to serve you. They were always essential to our well-being.  We just chose not to see it, and to treat and pay them as ‘less thans’.  Shame on  us.  Is your doctor going to come in the middle of the night and help you to the bathroom, or give you your pain meds, or change your bedding or whatever?  What does the NFL player do for you personally, except give you a reason to get drunk and yell a lot with your friends? Which I guess has benefits too, but somehow it’s not the same as not living in a sea of garbage, or lying awake in pain with no one to help.  I mean is Tom Brady going to deliver your on-line grocery order?  I don’t think so.

We as a species have gotten it wrong. We value the wrong things, the wrong people, and we have developed an ‘I am the only one who matters here’ concept.  It has become especially obvious during this pandemic.  It hurts me to say that I do not think this is going to change.  As soon as it’s over, and even before, actually, I think we are already going back to business as usual, with no regard again for anyone but our own selfish selves.  it is very disheartening, and I do not know how to change things.

There have been stories about the finding of a new, possibly inhabitable planet.  So what.  What we would take to it is ourselves, and we are the problem.  We will just wind up ruining it as a place we can survive like we are doing this one.  I think we went wrong with the whole ‘save the planet’.  The planet will do fine, in one way or another.  It’s us who will not survive.  ‘Save our species, help keep the planet inhabitable’ might have been a better marketing tool.  We do that by not over-using resources,  not killing off other species with abandon, not changing the entire natural world to suit ourselves.  We decided to put into the Bible, you know that book everyone swears to live by while doing every single thing it says not to do, we put into it that god gave man dominion over every living thing.  If there was a god, and if he really had done that, I would bet he’s been kicking himself in the rear ever since, and cringing at what he has created.  People wrote the Bible.  I can say god said this or that to me, does not make it so.  Sorry religious people.  It’s my opinion and I am entitled to it, just like you are entitled to pretend you are followers of Christ, who would also be cringing if he could see how you have distorted his message.  Have any of you ever read what he actually taught, supposing that is that he was a real person and not a myth?  Check it out sometime.  No where did he say it’s okay to cheat your neighbor, to keep everything of value for yourself, to let people starve and go homeless while you hoard all the wealth.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t advocate any of that.  And I am positive that if he existed, he never said ‘Greed is good’.

I have been really angry with humanity, can you tell?  Really angry.  It’s better than just giving up, which I refuse to do.  Never give up.  Never surrender.  Thank you Galaxy Quest. But it gets harder every day.

Side note:  OMG my proof-reading sucks.  Aaaand, this is my favorite thing to come out of the pandemic.

My Corona



I signed up for a free month of CBS all access so I could watch Picard, which was worth the hassle.  Binge-watched it.  It was so great to see some of the cast again.  I also came across a show with Alan Cumming, a favorite, called Instinct, which of course has been cancelled, because everything I like gets cancelled.  But the point is, it has a healthy, non-angst filled same sex relationship, which is really the best part of the show.  I love the female lead, Bojana Novakovic, someone I had never heard of.  The only nitpick I  have about her character is she is like 90 pounds and regularly manhandles and cuffs men who are twice or more her size.  Seriously?  Oh, and it has Naveen Andrews.  Yep.

Feeling kind of draggy, with no real desire to do anything at all.  It’s another gray day, too, and sunshine is always a mood lifter.  But I know this is not good, it is easy to fall into a slump and stop caring, and I do not want to go  there.  Hoping if I just take it easy today, tomorrow will be better.  I hope.  Yesterday was my birthday, and while I got some emails, I spoke to no one, which in some cases I completely understand, but it would have been nice if a friend had called just to say hi.  Everyone I know, has other people around them, but I am completely alone and except for a total of about five minutes seeing Tess and Ed for hand-offs, have been completely alone since March 12th, the last day my homemaker came.  I’ll manage, I always do.  I get into slumps and then I get back out of them again.   Yay me.  But meanwhile, bah humbug.  And all that jazz.

Essential Workers

From the New York Times morning briefing:

One in three jobs held by women has been designated as essential, according to a Times analysis of census data. Nonwhite women are more likely to have essential jobs — cashier, emergency room nurse, home health aide and more — than anyone else.

Isn’t it interesting that ‘essential’ jobs, those we cannot really do without, are among the lowest paying jobs there are? This is how we value the workers who do the jobs that keep us going; the garbagemen, without whom we would be living in our own private garbage pits, grocery store workers, without whom we would have to pretty damn quickly learn how to grow our own food AND find a space to do it in, those who deliver your mail and packages, Amazon workers who get the stuff you think you need to you as quickly as possible. How many of these are not treated with respect by their own work places, too.  Not given what they need (masks, etc.) to stay safe while doing these jobs.  Some do not even get sick leave, let along PAID sick leave.  Think of all the people you encounter during a normal day, and how many of them are sort of ‘background noise’ that you don’t even really notice. They are the ones your survival depends upon, and they are the ones we value and pay the least. We should be ashamed, and I really hope one thing that comes out of this is a change in our priorities, and that we stop worshiping people with money, because they contribute nothing. They take, they do not give. Wake up, please.  Value and pay well all those people, and include teachers.  Good teachers and good education are more important than ever, since we seem to have lost any ability to think for ourselves and reason and question what we are told.  Good teachers can fix that.  Under educated people are very easily swayed and manipulated, as you can see by what is going on right now.  Please stop and think about what really matters, especially now.

As Requested

Comment turned into a blog post:

“I know, but I hate feeling guilty (because of buying from Amazon). Why does money turn people into such complete and utter assholes? He (Bezos) could give probably everybody in the country a hundred thousand dollars and wouldn’t even notice, because he has so much. Capitalism is a really terrible system. No matter the system, though, people are people. I am reading The Secret Lives of Trees, and even trees and fungi take care of one another, but people are ‘It’s all about me and I’m the only one who matters.’ I think we came up with religions so we could create a being who makes us the be all and end all. ‘Dominion over the earth’ is one thing I remember from the Bible. We wrote that book. People did. People came up with the whole concept of ‘we are the superior beings and have a right to do with all the other species as we will’. Oh, the hubris of humanity, the parasites of the planet. Everything on the planet is interconnected and depends on everything else to survive. Everything but us. Nothing needs us to survive. Nothing. We are the aliens, terraforming the planet to suit our needs and completely disregarding the species who were here first. Man, I am on a roll today. LOL”


while in pain is not fun.  Not even a little bit.  My back hurts so much when I stand, and my damaged rotator cuffs are not cooperating either.  Ow, ow, ow, I have to sit down right now!  So anything I do takes 3 or 4 times longer than it normally would have done. But here I am, about to eat Fritos casserole while having a Guinness, because everybody knows Guinness goes with everything.  I decided, since I cooked the meat and onions in the iron skillet, to just do the whole thing in it.  I do love my iron skillets.

Reading my emails, not of whiich are political, but all of which now h=have comments or articles about the current situation.  This one:  state alliances has a little bit to quote:  “the repeated failures of an astonishingly stupid president”.  That’s the thing, isn’t it?  Are his supporters also astonishingly stupid, or are they just criinally undereducated.  It is easy to sway undereducated people who have not been taught to think and question, who just blindly believe whatever Trump and Fox News feeds them.  There are armed people out demanding lockdowns be lifted.  Did you really understand why they are there?  Did you really think through the ramifications of ‘business as usual’ during a pandemic, where there is not way to easily tell if you are rubbing up against someone who is a carrier?  This is why education matters. This is why it is vital to fund schools exceptionally well, and pay teachers commensurate to the value of what they are doing.  We should be hiring and paying for the best, but we do not value teachers or education.  So here we are as a result. Thousands of us think this ‘astonishingly stupid’ man who thinks he is king of the country is just the best thing ever.  Because we do not have the  skills to make a competent, rational assessment of what is really happening here.  Our priorities need a serious reset.

And now for the ‘good’ news.  We are under a winter weather advisory.  Possible 1-4 inches of heavy wet snow.  Fun times.  What about the flowers on the trees across the street, Mother Nature?

Thoughts on Fibro

Just read something that stated that fibro is not an autoimmune disease, which agrees with most things I have read over time.  It seems to be a flaw in pain response, nerves, brain function.  Which got me thinking.  I have read, and not sure of the validity, but I have read that a lot of people with fibro have had difficult childhoods or endured traumatic conditions in young adulthood.  Living in a toxic environment such as in an alcoholic household, child abusers, extreme poverty, etc, can cause hyper-vigilance, where you body is unconsciously holding itself ready to defend itself, fight or flight. It’s nerves and muscles and whatever else also at the ready.  I have noticed it in myself, after becoming more aware through studying zen and being in therapy, that my muscles seemed always to be tense.  Regardless of the situation.  So I wonder if fibromyalgia is in part a manifestation of that hyper-vigilance.  Your body always being ready to combat pain maybe somehow gets mixed up in your head so your body always thinks it is in pain, even when nothing is actually wrong.  Just thinking.  I have a lot of time on my hands. And the fatigue is from all that tension all the time.  Just speculating here.

Not going stir-crazy yet, but the signs are there.  Not wanting to get up in the morning, trying to drag out the sleeping.  Then, when I finally give up and get up, it’s always at the time I would have been getting up anyway. What’s that about?  Struggling to keep up with things on my own. I am used to having people in to do the hard stuff.  I need to vacuum, seriously.  Cats are not the neatest animals, with little bits of cardboard and who knows what all every where she goes.  Worth it, though.  Gertrude is funny.  She keeps getting up on the printer in the bedroom and knocking the router and phone which are next to it, over.  She actually disconnected the router the other day.  Yes, I would put those things elsewhere if there was an elsewhere to put them.  There is not. Anyway, went in the room yesterday and she was perched on top of the router like a queen surveying her realm.  How can you not love Miss Destructo?  Seriously.

I did a grocery order a couple of days ago.  Pretty good, it was delivered about an hour after I ordered.  Instacart person left it outside my door and left so I could open door and bring it in.  Gave a good tip.  I am a good tipper anyway, because those folks get paid about a millionth of a second’s worth of what Jeff Bezos makes in a minute.  (They don’t work for Amazon, of course, but still.  Right?) Or practically nothing, and they use their own cars.  Wear and tear and oil and gas have to come out of the  pittance they are paid.  Ranty Jean is on a rant today it seems.  Anyway, wiped down with disinfectant wipes anything that had to go in frig or freezer, and just left the rest in the bags on the floor.  I have a teeny kitchen.  Teeny  Two people is a crowd in it.  One more day and I think it’s safe to unbag, it will be three days. Maybe I’ll wait till Saturday.  🙂  Meanwhile the floor is half covered with plastic bags of canned and boxed goods.  Only five or six, it’s a very small floor. This pic is the the entire kitchen.  Sink is on the right of the frig.  It is not even close to this neat at this moment.  Plus, the calendar is gone and there is nothing on the cork board because Miss G removed it all for me.  Soooo helpful.    And, I washed the produce by hand under running water. That’s all.  Never use soap or dishwashing liquid, just water.  So far, so good.

Am hoping to cook today, too.  Meatloaf for the freezer, and Fritos Casserole for now.  I love Fritos Casserole.  My family used to love it.  And you get Fritos.  What’s not to love?  Recipe?  Not a cooking blog, but hey.  Oh, want to make some croutons with the ends of bread from the freezer, which I cleaned out day before yesterday.  Yay, me.  LOL  There’s  half a baguette, half an italian loaf, one of those rolls that come with Chinese food (rolls with Chinese food?  Weird).  Anyway, recipe:

Brown 1 cup chopped onion, chopped garlic to taste, 1 pound ground beef til pink is gone.  Stir in 1 can (12 ounce) evaporated milk, 1 can rinsed, drained pinto beans (or beans of choice but if you don’t use pinto beans you are crazy), 8 oz tomato sauce, 1 Tablespoon chili powder, (you can adjust to taste).  Fold in 1 generous cup (I like cheese) grated longhorn or colby cheese, and about half a 9 ounce bag Original Fritos, crushed.  (See, leftover Fritos. It’s a good thing) Greased baking pan (I use a metal mixing bowl, about two quart size but I think an 8×8 pan should work)  Top with more grated cheese and some more Fritos.  Bake at 350 for about 20-30 minutes. Serve with Fritos on the side.  Ha Ha.

I turned the heat on today for the first time in a while, cause it was darn chill in here when I got up.  Better than hot and sticky any day, however.  Three layers and blankets is better than hot and sticky.  Hot and sticky is NOT a good thing.  At all.

I am still waffling about Amazon.  There are some things I can’t get anywhere else, some I could except not during the plague.  So it’s kind of necessary for me.  On the other hand, Bezos, the richest of the rich, is also the greediest of the greedy and treats his workers, you know, the ones who do the jobs that make the money for him, like shit on his shoe.  Don’t bother excusing the expression, because that’s exactly how important they are in his world-view.  The man disgusts me, and yet I need his company to survive right now.  Rock and a hard place, anyone?  I can’t afford massive shipping charges even if I could get some things elsewhere.  Prime is a really good thing, and so would Amazon be if the workers were given a wage commensurate with their efforts, and safe working environments and good sick leave pay and policies. But no.  Jeffy baby needs all he has and more, because he obviously plans to live the thousands of life-times it will take for him to spend it all.  So every time I order, I develop just that bit much more self-loathing and sense of betrayal to those workers.  Social consciences suck, let me tell you.  It would be so much easier to be that cold, uncaring type of person that money seems to turn you into.  I’d rather be poor, I think.

You know how hard it is to get things done when pain rules your every movement?  Hard.  Determined Jean is determined, however.  I will Get Thinks Done.  Seriously.

Typing does not usually hurt, but today it does, so


Puzzled Jean is WTFing Here

Food is being destroyed, milk is being dump, flowers in the Netherlands are being destroyed, probably a lot more that I haven’t read about.  Why?  People need these things?  Isn’t there a way to share them, give them away, get them to market by alternate means?  Something?  I do not understand the logic or reasons behind this.  Anyone explain it to me?  Thank you.


Been feeling worse everyday this week. Suddenly realized why tonight. I am gradually decreasing Prednisone. Had been alternating 5/6 mgs and went to six about a week ago. Too soon. So back to 7 for a week, then 6/7 for two or three weeks, then try six again. Had to do this one other decrease as well. It needs to be very slow going when you’ve been on it a long time, as have I. Just FYI.

Good Morning

Window open, finally, in bedroom. Heater fan on under desk in living room. Spring.

Been surfing the internet, as usual, and came up with something. From here: https://www.chronically-healthy.com/blog/the-fork-theory:
“You know the phrase, ‘Stick a fork in me, I’m done,’ right? Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your shit if one more fork happens.” From a comment there:
“at a certain day showering cost me 20 spoons and the next week maybe one.”
And a comment I made about it on another blog.
“I found the spoon theory very helpful getting my friends to understand why I may have to cancel at the last minute, why I say ‘ask me on the day, and even then it’s iffy”. Right now I am self-isolating, which is pretty much my life anyway, except now I have no homemakers to come and clean and do laundry and shop. So I try mightily to keep up with dishes, do minimal cooking, wash things by hand in the bathroom sink, and order groceries to be delivered, or else my friend Tess will pick some things up for me. So fortunate to have such a good friend. General cleaning just does not happen. No one has vacuumed in almost a month, since the last time I had a homemaker. ‘Homemaker’ is what they are called by the agencies they work for. I really like the fork theory, too, because some days the cat acts up, my laptop is slower than slow and oh, so frustrating, the filter pops off the Brita sink attachment and spews water everywhere, there is nothing handy that can just be eaten without prep, and okay, I am stabbed to the point of looking like a pincushion and I just have to go couch and read on my Kindle. Somehow, when you think of life in terms of these theories, it makes it easier to accept your limitations. Sometimes.”

So far, things are going….well, I’m not sure how they’re going. I wake up, usually nine or ten am, take a pill, morning hygiene, sometimes a shower, sometimes change to day clothes, sometimes do neither, get on laptop, which is immediately frustrating because the darn thing just does not want to work and is unbelievably slow, regardless of browser, then an hour after the pill, I have coffee and a Rise Bar and more pills, maybe then, maybe another hour, I am ready to lie down again and sometimes fall asleep. Later, I try to find something for lunch, more pills, maybe lie down again or more laptop fun, and usually much later in the day I actually feel awake and may even have a bit of energy. Nine or ten pm, tired again, usually fall asleep, wake up an hour or so later, awake several hours, sleep and then the whole thing starts all over again. I am just so tired, all the time. Yes, I know I have a chronic debilitating illness of which fatigue (utter and complete exhaustion, without running a marathon)is a major component, along with pain all the time, but I would like to have a day where I could GET THINGS DONES now and then. Because things need doing. Vacuuming. Do something with the empty Amazon boxes that Miss G thinks are toys but are everywhere. Cook something. Clean up something. Dream on, Jean, life is what it is and I usually am pretty okay with it, just sometimes, you know? Sometimes I just want to be a real person again. There is so much that needs doing, so much I would just like to do, but it just cannot happen. Stick a fork in me. I’m done. 🙂 Aaand, the stupid laptop will not let put pictures on here. Sheesh!!!