Just felt the need to say that.  Over and out.

Yesterday it was in the high 80s F.  Today it’s in the low 50s.  I love New England.  It had better not snow, however.  Nearly June, people.  Had to close the window next to me, as a cold, cold wind was blowing straight in.  Brrrr.  Having coffee (at 2::47 pm, yes, I am crazy), because coffee/awake all night, coffee/awake all night.  The scales balanced in favor of the coffee.  Not that I probably wouldn’t be awake all night anyway.  🙂  Tomorrow’s Monday, and it’s another day of absolutely nothing happening, so who cares, right?  Tuesday and Friday, when my homemaker comes, are the only days I am pretty much guaranteed to see another human being, or speak to one, mostly.  I know, whiny Jean is whiny.  Not meaning to, just showing you my life of living alone with a chronic, debilitating illness.  Fun times.

After my excellent day, right back to not-so-excellent.  Wasn’t kidding when I said one good day in a row.  Didn’t even fire up the laptop yesterday.  Now I am just here, alone again, with nothing to do or look forward to.  Why can’t I motivate myself?  I could be crocheting, or trying to figure out that whole knitting thing, or maybe attempting to cook something, or sort something or do SOMETHING.  But no, it’s read or watch tv.  I am such a loser. Motivation, is there an app for that? A shot or pill that bestows instant energy would be nice, too.

I binged this show called Hard Sun last night.  Pretty much a cop show, but with the end of the world as a kicker.  I though it would be people preparing, etc, but that wasn’t it at all.  Still, a good show.  One of my fav actresses, Nikki Amuka-Bird, is in it.  First became aware of her in the Torchwood episode Sleepers, and she was fantastic in it.  Also there is Derek Riddell, another fav,. Oh,and it has Ukweli Roach, another fav.  I have a lot of favs, it seems. There is also the neatest flash drive, ever.  I want one.

I don’t know why, and I am not questioning it, but I am having an excellent day.  The ‘see that thing over there that needs doing, pop up and do it right then’ kind of day.  I am enjoying it to the max, because it will no doubt be gone tomorrow.  Live in the moment, cause the moment is your life.  Big, big, big smile.  Maybe I’m bipolar.  Except I know I know I’m not.  I just have this weird illness that changes from minute to minute.  This is a very good minute, so I though I’d just share that with you, dear readers.  🙂 Is there a gif that says ‘Happy, happy, joy, joy’, cause that’s how I’m feeling. Actually, I think that’s from an ad for something.  🙂

Seems Charles did not buy tilapia for the soup, but some fish he couldn’t remember.  So maybe I don’t hate tilapia.  But I’m still going for cod next time.

Gorgeous, beautiful day.  85 degrees, but feels much cooler in here, even with windows open.  Was trying to get my housing papers sorted, and am out of magenta ink in the printer, so it won’t print.  Black and white doesn’t use magenta, does it?  Sheesh!  The latest update has messed some things up on here, too. Did I mention that already?  And the whole shebang is much, much slower.

Feeling pretty good today, so hooray!  Got a couple of new followers, too.  Don’t know what changed.  I rarely get new followers.  But welcome, welcome.  Please feel free to comment.

I have a black and blue burger from Market Basket to cook for dinner.  Oh, yum.  Blue cheese mixed in with the burger, and the edges rolled in crushed peppercorns.  Iron skillet, here I come.  They have really good beef at Market Basket.  Wish it was closer, so I could send my homemaker instead of only being able to go when Tess and I go, which is not a regular thing.  But when we do go, it is so much fun.  Shopping isn’t meant to be fun, is it?  But it is here.  Not at any of the other grocery stores around, though. I do like Trader Joe’s but I wouldn’t call it a fun time.  It’s a lot further away, too, so don’t go there very often.  They have some great frozen and premade things, which is good for me.  Cooking is not always possible, so I tend to open box, eat contents.  Sooooo Healthy.  LOL

Finally.  Very nice.  Needs more heat than I added, cause I wanted to start out cautiously, and I think he cooked the fish way more than it needed to be.  I think I would add some seasonings, not sure what.  What goes with tomato besides oregano?  I would make this again.  Very light soup.  Tasty. 🙂

Finally got a good night’s sleep, only to wake up in full-body pain.  Ow.  All-over ow.  I usually wake up saying ow, but it’s generally more localized.  Not today.  Hot shower helps.  I have a shower stool from when I had knee surgery, and I just sit on it and let hot water run over me.  Lovely.  Then I took 3 extra-strength Excedrin at 11.  Still waiting for them to kick in at 12:30.

Well, this blog is supposed to be about fibro, so here’s some fibro reality for you.  Yay.  🙂

Gray again.  Rainy, too, though, and I can always welcome gray if it’s accompanied by rain or snow.  I like rain, and I like snow.

I have Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol stuck in my head.  From an Amazon music playlist.  “If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”  It’s not the words so much, as the music.  So melancholy.  Fits with how I’ve been feeling lately.  Great song, anyway.

Charles the Homemaker comes today, and I am sending him out for the fish, so I can make the darn soup I’ve been trying to make since Friday.  Just googled Nigerian Fish Soup, and Charles seems to left some things out.  Still smells fantastic so far, so will discuss this with him.  Not much else going on, so later.  🙂 Here’s a soup pic from the web.

Sunshine.  Glorious, beautiful sunshine.  Early this morning the leaves across the street were glittering with it, like the ocean sometimes does.  Beautiful.

Slightly less whiny today, thank goodness.  Having a lot of trouble sleeping, which means days are spent napping or being a zombie.  Very frustrating, and being alone makes it worse.

Had a message today that I got a lot of new followers.  Checked.  Nope.  What’s that about?  I’ve been blogging since 2005, I think, and I have 39 followers.  This is not the most popular blog in the blogverse.  Probably because it’s not that kind of blog.  It’s mostly what’s on my mind at the moment.  Sometimes I’m angry at the world, sometimes I’m angry with my life, sometimes I’m having a spectacularly good day.  Sometimes things are bothering me, whether it’s something going on in the world, or just something going on with me, and writing about it helps.  It’s not a ‘make money’ blog, or a ‘how many followers can I amass’ blog, or a ‘my blog is more popular than your blog’ blog.  It’s just me, saying whatever I have to say today.

I try not to be too whiny, but I think I do not succeed with that at all.  But there’s a lot of good in my life, in  life in general, and I do try to remember that and write about it sometimes.  I get down.  This is a hard life, being chronically ill.  It would be different if I had a big family around, and lots of support from friends, but I don’t.  My friend Tess  has another friend who frequently asks for some sort of help.  Shopping, getting to an appointment, etc.  Same things I need.  But if Tess is busy, this friend has a whole list of other people she can call on.  I have Tess.  Poor Tess.  I have turned into a burden instead of a friend.  I hate that.  I really hate that.  It’s very hard to be the needy one in any relationship.  I read about people who have spouses who are there for them, taking care of them, doing what they can to make the ill person’s life manageable for them. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes I feel abandoned.  Sometimes I get angry at the unfairness (Life is fair?  Seriously?) of it all.  Frustrated that I can’t do the things I want/need to do.  Sometimes I just feel sorry for myself.  I’m human, after all,  I don’t want to be that person, but sometimes you just have to give up for a while, and wallow in your misery.  Fighting every moment of every day is very, very tiring.  Fight to get up, fight to get something to eat, fight to get dressed, fight to just not lay down and pull the covers over your head.  You have to fight to do things in spite of constant pain and exhaustion.  This is what chronic illness is.  A constant battle to survive in spite of.  And sometimes you just can’t do it right now.  There a people who are a lot sicker than I am, so you can imagine how hard their lives must be.

I remember reading, before I got this myself, about a woman who wanted that Dr. Kevorkian to help her die, because she just didn’t want to live with the pain of this illness any more.  That’s ridiculous, said I, before I understood what it’s like.  But I don’t want to end it.  Never give up, never surrender.  I have always been a fighter, and I always will be.  Today, the leaves were glittering from the sunshine.  I wouldn’t want to have missed that.

Little update:  Today would have been my anniversary, if my husband hadn’t left me and then died eight years later.

Gray, gray, gray.  We had a gorgeous gray carpet that you just sunk into.  It was heaven.  I hated it.  I just felt so depressed all the time, we finally gave it to a friend.  Gray and I are not compatible, Mother Nature.  Come on!

I don’t do well just being alone.  Except for my homemaker three hours a week, and Tess taking me to the Stop & Shop on Friday, I have been alone since last week some time.  A good week or more  i know it’s all in my head, but I have a hard time fighting it.  I keep checking my phone to see if any one I actually know has emailed me, and except for Tess almost every day, there is no one.  No one calls or emails to see if I’m okay, even.  My family.  No one.  Makes one feel quite alone and unloved and isolated, and even though I am an introvert who needs some alone time, too much is just bad news.  Don’t know how to fix it. “Go out”  Where?  How?  Even if I could walk any distance, there’s no place to go.  My life has gotten very small in the time I’ve lived here, and keeps getting smaller all the time.  Just have to live with it, and not give in. Never Give Up, Never
Surrender.  I’m trying.  Seriously, I am.

Sad Jean Is sad.

Up early, for a change.  Yesterday was my one good day in a row, apparently.  Today I am foggy again, aching all over, and tired.  Yay.  It’s cool and windy and this  mornings overcast seems to be slowly giving way to sun.  Very slowly.

What do I hope to accomplish today? Well, had a shower, and am now hoping to get enough energy to get dressed.  Been sitting here at the laptop for a couple of hours now.  Typical day.  Sitting at the laptop doesn’t make more pain, so I tend to spend a lot of time at it.  Or reading.  Which only causes my hands to cramp sometimes.  Cheerful today, aren’t I?

What am I looking forward to?  New summer shirts I ordered are meant to be delivered today, and Charles, my homemaker, is going to buy the ingredients and then make his fish soup for me.  It has jalapenos in it.  I like spicy food, just hope it’s not going to be smoke-from-my-ears hot.  I asked him for the recipe and he offered to cook it for me.  Yay, Charles.

This is from my birthday present from my friend Beth.  It’s Jacqui Lawson’s garden program.  I added the rain.

But much better today, finally.  Little update:  Just noticed the last good day I had was May 9th.  I used to be lucky to have one a month, so I guess I have improved.  🙂

Has gotten a bit humid.  Don’t love humid. Also gray, gray, gray.  Had our first thunderstorm of the season a few days ago.  Spectacular.  Wind, rain, thunder, lightning.  My lights went off/on just that quick at the same time the lights across the street went out. I had unplugged everything just in case.  I always do if there’s a bad storm coming.  I had friends who had every single electric item, including all their computers, fried during a storm they were not at home for.  Frig, tv, you name it.  All fried.  He was in IT, too, so knew to have surge protectors and all, but they did not help.  Caution is a good thing if you ARE home.

Brain fog has finally lifted.  Was looking for those housing papers yesterday, going through every single piece of paper I have, for the third time.  Nothing.  Looked again today, and the first thing I saw was one of the papers I need.  Brain fog is not fun.

Physically, not as much pain either, but I did take two Aleve and a melatonin last night.  Aleve seems to work more than the twelve hours its advertised as.  I try not to take it too often, because it can cause serious stomach issues.

Looking forward to the Sense8 movie.  Did you watch this show on Netflix?  I really loved it, so of course it got cancelled.  At least there’s a finish-up movie.  Almost did not watch the show, because it was very violent at first, but kept reading about it and decided to try again.  Hooked, hooked, hooked.  LOL

Going to go make some lunch.

I am going around in a daze most of the time lately.  Not fun.  Trying to sort out my housing application, and cannot find two pieces of paper that are required.  Where are they?  I have looked through everything I can think of, but no luck.  Papers are due Friday.  Going to go over there and throw myself on their mercy, if I can ever get myself together enough to actually go outside. Housing is only half a block away.  I mean, really, Jean.  Get a grip

Am considering hiring someone to come in and organize the kitchen and bedroom for me, since my friend who said she would help has apparently forgotten I exist, and I am just not physically (or mentally, right now) able to do it.  You need to think to organize, and you need to move things  Not happening.  I need my kitchen more usable, so you don’t have to move things to get at the thing you need to cook the food you bought that is just moldering away in the frig.  Like that.  I need someone to make it easy for me, since I can’t seem to get it right, ever.  I’ve lost track of where things are, too, because I’ve had so many different people put dishes away and they just put them in random places, apparently.  God, I miss my Traci. She was my homemaker for so long, she just knew where things went, what needed doing, you name it.  Okay, done whining, and it’s not clearing up my brain, anyway.  I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone, or something.  A pea-soup fog in my  head.

I did buy a new coffee maker.  Put the grounds and water in, remember to put the mug on the plate thingy, and in the morning I just push a little button, and coffee.  I am much better at remembering to put the coffee, water, and mug in the right places at night than in the morning.  It makes one mug of HOT coffee, which is just right for me.

Weather has been cool, which has been lovely.  Mostly sunny.  Days start out gray, but then the sun sort of half wins out.

How am I feeling?  Think I explained that already.

What do I hope to accomplish?  Not walking into walls and things for today, at least.

I forget the rest.  Illness is so fun.  Oh, yeah. It can’t be good when you spend more time going back and correcting your nonsensical sentences and typing errors than writing the post in the first place, can it?  🙂

Busy, and stupid laptop kept having updates.  Why?  IDEK.  So kind of didn’t get around to this.  Today I am exhausted and in pain, it is cold and gray (NOT hot and sticky, always a good thing), and I just need to go lie down  🙂

What’s the weather like? Another beautiful day.  68 degrees, sunny, although it was pretty chill and foggy earlier.

How am I feeling today?
Physically? Today is Recovery Day.  I always forget about recovery day. I think it’s my mind’s way of coping.  Who wants to spend their really good days dreading the fact that tomorrow will be back to the illness.  Pain, tired, foggy, slept badly again in spite of taking the melatonin, which was helping and now isn’t.  Maybe I’ll take two tonight.

Mentally? Foggy, wishing I felt as good as I did yesterday.

What do I hope to accomplish today? Still hoping to get something done, but I am probably going to just spend the rest of the day couching, as Tess calls it, with my Kindle.

What am I looking forward to? A good night’s sleep, but I am not holding my breath.

Did a long bread rant comment on a Tumblr post yesterday.  Think I will put it here as well, just because I can.  🙂

Now I want to make bread. I used to make a loaf a day. Lots of different kinds. No leftovers in a family of four. Before the internet, before google, before bread machines, before ovens even, people made bread. And everything else they ate. The food industry makes fake food and convinces us that making the real thing ourselves is just too, too hard and all those artificial ingredients are what makes it good. Wrong. Mix some yeast, some water, a little flour and a pinch of sugar in a large bowl, cover with a towel and let sit overnight. Add more flour, a bit of salt the next day, knead, rise, punch down, knead again, shape or throw into a bread pan, rise again, bake. When you poke it with a finger and it doesn’t spring back, it’s risen enough. ‘Oh god, I have to KNEAD it?’ Well, you can do it in the food processor, but kneading bread is mesmerizing. It’s like free therapy. Fold towards you, push it into itself, turn, repeat until you remember that you’re meant to be doing something, not contemplating the universe. Lots of breads don’t require kneading at all as was mentioned, but it helps the texture to develop. The long, slow overnight start develops the flavor. If you don’t make the starter, just let each rise be slow. You don’t need a warm spot. Let it take it’s time. Bread dough should develop little blisters on the surface when it’s kneaded enough. When you think it’s baked long enough, turn it out of the pan and tap the bottom. It should sound hollow. If it doesn’t, put it back into the oven without the pan and bake a few more minutes. You can add all sorts of things, including herbs, you can replace part of the flour with other grains. You can rub the hot crust with butter if you want it to be soft. You can bake bread on a pizza stone. Bread dough is very versatile, and the worst that can happen is it turns out like a hockey puck, but it will still taste fantastic. If you can stir and push dough around, bread making requires very little skill and not a lot of actual work time. It’s mostly rising, while you’re off making your own apple butter to smear on it hot from the oven. You can also wrap a bit around a piece of chocolate and bake it. This is really good. I used to do it for Christmas breakfast. You can stick the chocolate in the freshly baked bread, too, but I like it the other way. Just seal it well. You can shape it into hamburger or hot dog buns, or braids, or bake it around a greased bowl. You can press or roll it out thin and smear it with butter and add a butt load of brown sugar and cinnamon, roll it up, slice it, and bake it in a greased baking dish. Like the store-bought cinnamon rolls, except yours will taste like food, not cardboard. You can smear on a little cream cheese frosting, too. Or a nice glaze.

When I was imagining this post in my head, I had a lot more to say, but brain fog wins again.

Update:  At Lowe’s we saw a 2000 dollar washing machine with so many buttons that I think you could send it into outer space.  Two thousand dollars to wash your clothes.  A frig with a computer on the front.  A toilet with a remote control.  Maybe it’s just me, but humanity has seriously lost the plot, people.  What kind of clothes do you buy that need 50 different wash cycles?  I don’t cook at the frig, either.  I cook at the stove.  With my recipe pinned to the hood with a magnetic clip.  We laughed about losing the toilet remote, because do you have to use the neighbor’s in that case?  We do things because we can, not because they make sense.  Sorry, but my mind was boggled.  🙂

What’s the weather like?  Beautiful day.  Warm, lovely, flowers bursting out everywhere.

How am I feeling today?
Physically? I think the prednisone is finally kicking in, I am in much less pain today, in spite of being awake all night and only sleeping a couple of hours this morning.

Mentally? Fantastic.  Feeling like myself again.  Went out with my friend Tess to do a bit of shopping at Lowe’s and a couple other places.  Laughing, singing (me, songs I don’t know all the words to)  bouncing around, having a great time. I know it’s the prednisone mood elevation, but I feel like myself again.  I love it.  I am a person who is full of joie de vivre, when life (or dull people) doesn’t get in the way.  I’m pretty funny, too.  🙂

What did I do yesterday?  Yesterday I had a bit of vertigo, need to go to the walk in clinic soon.  Was pretty funny because it wasn’t bad enough to cause nausea.  Walking around like a drunk when homemaker was here.  Finally took an allergy pill and it pretty much cleared up, although I was a bit wobbly today.  Tried to show Tess some balance exercises.  Did not go well, but highly amusing.  LOL

What do I hope to accomplish today?  Well, it’s 4pm, so it’s kind of late for that, although I may cook something later. Maybe.

What am I looking forward to?  More days like this one.

Tess brought me homemade chocolate chip cookies with pecans.  Oh, yum.  I feel like I can think again, and look ahead, and make plans for things I want to get done.  This never lasts, but I try to take full advantage of it in the meantime.

This is how I feel today.  That’s John Barrowman, not me, btw. 🙂

Not sure how this is going to work.  I forgot I am usually in a hazy fog for a few hours after waking up.  Maybe I’ll try for evening, instead.  But here goes anyway.

What’s the weather like?     Cool, milky blue sky.  NOT humid.  Yay.

How am I feeling today?

Physically?  Woke up around 6.  Six!  In the morning. Will probably need a nap later.  Still a bit less pain, but the energy is just not there.  Took a shower, was going to do salute to the sun, then realized the body does not want to do this, so may try ellipse instead, Made coffee and ate some pineapple cottage cheese.

Mentally? Hazy fog, as I mentioned.  This is when I usually screw things up, like forgetting a crucial part of the coffee-making, but so far did okay.  Could just sit and stare at the wall, but am really trying to get the brain to work.

What did I do yesterday?  Started this idea. Payed my online bills.  I have two things I have to write checks for, and everything else I pay online.  So much easier.

What do I hope to accomplish today?   I’d like to load the dishwasher, but may leave it for homemaker.  Want to cook some sausage I bought, something I haven’t had before, but cooking is frequently more mental and physical effort than I can manage.  Would love to go outside, but pretty sure that isn’t going to happen.  I wish, I wish, I wish, I had an outside of my own.  Even a small balcony would do.  And I miss my garden.  Hoping to get homemaker to help me make ellipse accessible, because right now, the bedroom is a disaster.  I need a spare room for things like ellipses.  Ha!

What am I looking forward to?  Feeling better someday, if the prednisone works.  Getting new cushions for my couch, if my friend ever remembers she said she’d take me to the upholstery place near her.  I hate to remind her, or ask, because she’s the one who dropped me for being ‘too needy’ that time, and I only have two friends as it is, so cannot afford to lose one.  I’m usually more cheery later in the day.  🙂

These pictures are not by me.  They were taken May 5th.  There’s a street at the bottom of the first, and I live right across it.  This is looking north.  The second one is looking south, and you can see the top of my building way down just off center.  I live in a beautiful town.  I am fortunate in that.

I have been seriously struggling lately. Since I had to take my cat back to the shelter. Started feeling pointless. No one needs me. What is my purpose? Does not seem to be one. No reason to do anything.  Then there is the pain. I can barely function, and just upped the prednisone to 4mg in hopes it will help. Cannot get organized, physically or mentally. Just giving up. What’s the point of it all, anyway? I hate feeling like that, and usually, after a few days, something in me rallies and I gear up to try again. So here’s me geared up, and I thought maybe I would try to blog every day with certain items on repeat. What’s the weather like? How am I feeling today, physically and mentally? What I did yesterday, if anything. What I hope to accomplish today. What I’m looking forward to, if there’s ever anything to look forward to. That’s all I could come up with right now, but am open to suggestions. I plan to do this in the morning, and it’s now nearly 5pm, but I’ll give it a go anyway.

What’s the weather like?
Upper sixties, a bit hazy, not humid, thank you Mother Nature. Maybe I’ll try for a picture each day. Maybe. This is not this year’s picture here.  This year, the flowers popped out Saturday before last, and by this past Saturday, the leaves had won out.  Still some flowers, but other years they have lasted for weeks before the trees leafed out.  Disappointing, but weather is not like it used to be.  Was cold, cold, cold, warmed up all of a sudden.  Trees are confused, I think.  Me, too. 🙂

How am I feeling today?
Physically? Pain, always with the pain. Very little energy. Made coffee, made tea, made toast.

Mentally? Was foggy earlier, but better now. Trying to buck myself up, sir. (little private joke my kids will get. Maybe.)

What did I do yesterday?
Laid on the couch, read and watched tv. I don’t have cable, just my subscriptions. NO commercials. NO TRUMP! Heaven. I have a ton of subscriptions, though. Netflix, Hulu, the HBO trial on Hulu, Masterpiece, Britbox, Prime, among others. It’s a good thing. Was going to watch Game of Thrones, but as soon as it started, I remembered how bloody the book was, and decided to skip it. Although all that snow was just gorgeous. I love snow.  I did watch all the Harry Potter movies, though.

What do I hope to accomplish today?
Well, I have a long list of things I wanted to get done, so far I have done none of them. I am going to pay my bills after this, though. Yay, me.

What am I looking forward to?
I’d like to be looking forward to getting my new cat, but I still haven’t totally convinced myself getting one is a good idea. I was pretty thrown by the whole Luna experience, and am not sure I want to go through that again. Part of me feels horribly guilty for reneging on my commitment to her, and part of me is relieved that she’s not around to try putting my eye out. And then there’s the disappointment and, yes, anger, with the shelter over the whole thing. Another consideration is my homemaker, who was brought up surrounded by voodoo, which he says is just evil, evil, evil, and which practice uses cats as weapons. He is afraid of cats, understandably. He was bitten by a dog as a child, and is afraid of dogs, too, but not an issue here. I always wanted to get another dog, but I am not going to be able to walk it, so there’s no point. Oh, well.

So that’s it.  We’ll see how it goes.  I am totally unreliable.  I make plans, but just never seem able to follow through.  Frustrating.  Chronic illness sucks, people.  Seriously.