Sad Jean Was Sad Today

Something happened today.  Not sure I even want to blog about it, but here goes anyway.  I have a friend who has been my friend for a very long time.  She always kind of treated me very casually, though.  I often felt like an afterthought, like I didn’t really matter to her.  An example:  we would agree to meet for lunch or whatever, and she would always be late.  Sometimes she did not turn up at all.  There was  never a call to let me know she would be late, or not come.  It made me feel like I had no value to her, like I didn’t matter at all.

I have another friend, who did the same thing today.  She did call, two hours later than I was expecting, and it really bothered me.  That she didn’t call earlier to let me know she would be late. She has a cell phone…that I gave her.  She could have used it.  But she didn’t.  It really made me feel that same, ‘Wow, I really don’t matter.’ thing.  I spoke up about it, and then let it go, but it bothered me a lot.  My friend has gradually backed off from me, like my other one has done since I became ill, and this almost just felt like the nail in the coffin.  Her reasons for backing off seem to be a bit different though.  She didn’t know me when I wasn’t ill, it’s just that she’s made new friends and is engaged in doing new things and there is less time for me.  She doesn’t really need me anymore.  I get that, and I always expect it to happen.  It still hurts, though, whatever the reason.  It hurts to think that you don’t matter as much to someone as they do to you.  It hurts to feel like you are not important enough to be polite and courteous to.  I would not leave someone hanging if it was at all possible to let them know what was going on, but it’s okay when others leave me hanging, because what?  I just don’t matter?  I don’t like feeling like this, but I will process and assimilate it, and it will become one more part of my idea of who I am and what place I have in the world.

On the bright side, I did not need a recovery day after all.  I am so much better on ten mg prednisone, am going to call doctor tomorrow and try to negotiate staying on it.  I know down the line there are bad side effects, but for right now, a sort-of decent quality of life is pretty darn inviting.  Let me keep it for awhile, please.  Being able to function, to do things I want, when I want, I think if you’re not sick, you don’t really appreciate that.  Fingers crossed.

Chronic Illness Can Be Fun

Oh, wait.  No it can’t.  I had a doctor’s appointment today, and had to use the Dial-A-Ride, which is a sort of state-run taxi service.  Got me to the appointment an hour early, then after, Ihad an almost meltdown, because first, the door I went out turned out to be at the back of the building and I walked all the way around to the front.  It is in the90’s, with a dew point near 80, so half way around I was already exhausted and in a lot of pain. Stopped to lean on a liht pole and call the Dial-A-Ride to pick me up.  Have to press one.  Could I remember how to press one on a cell phone?  Heck no.  Exhaustion and pain means non-working brain.  Fun times.  Called my friend, who was busy, but I was desperate, left a message.  Remembered how to dial an extra number, called DaR, tried to call friend back to say nevermind, phone would not work, then her machine would not pick up.  Waited almost an hour for DaR, and friend called just as I got my mail in the lobby.  Tomorrow will be recovery day.  One of the most limiting things about the illness is just that…when I am exhausted and in pain I cannot think what to do next, and I have been stuck out in the world not knowing how to get home.  Not fun.  But all is well now.  I am home in the nice cool air-conditioning.  Going to order in later, because meal prep is just not on.  🙂

Ah, Medicine

Took the Plaquinal, even though I wanted to wait til test results were back, but doctor was adamant.  By third day, the side effects were ON, man.  Fun times.  Stopped taking pills.  Turns out, don’t have either polymyalgia rheumatica OR rheumatoid arthritis anyway.  I  keep telling myself not to listen to doctors, but I’m usually exhausted and in pain and so get worn down into giving in.  But happy Jean is happy not to have another crap illness to contend with.

Am binge-watching Veronica Mars, one of my all-time fav shows, from the start before I get into season 4.  I saw the movie when it came out, and was so  pleased it was like an episode of the show.  Usually movies turn out to be crap, sometimes seeming to have nothing at all to do with the tv show.  Disappointing.  Sense8 was one that did it very, very well.  I had it on auto-play and didn’t even realize it was the movie til it was over.  Duh!  That’s good movie-making.

I have been Getting Things Done, some real-world, but a lot of computer stuff.  Completely wiped new laptop and set it up from scratch, and tinkered and played and mucked about, and it is actually working pretty well.  Been tinkering and cleaning and deleting tons of crap from the old laptop, and it too is working much better.  There are things you can find to do that I was unaware even existed, but I just keep clicking on things, and looking things up, and it’s all good.  So far.  Also started using Vivaldi Browser.  You can get extensions from the google play store while on Vivaldi, although some don’t work well, like Keep, but you don’t really need an extension for that.  Firefly has been my browser of choice since I first got on-line, but every update seems to make it work less and less.  It takes forever to open some pages, their address finally loads into the address bar, but then the page is just blank.  So keeping it for when I want to save pages as text, which for some reason vivaldi (and chrome) don’t do.  Why.

So off to have a beer with Veronica.  Oh, wait, she’s underage.  Off to have a beer while I watch Veronica..  Good times.

Update: Forgot.  The reason I am getting things done is Dr. also upped prednisone from 3 mg to ten.  After being in so much pain I could barely turn the key in the lock, three hours after the larger dose, I was 80% better.  Prednisone is a miracle drug, but it does some serious bad stuff along the way.  Serious bad stuff.  So ten til Thursday, then eight for a week, six for a week, then five til I see her in Sept.  I hope I don’t get worse as I decrease, which  is usually what happens.  Happy, happy, joy, joy.  Or not.  🙂

Illness Update, Gripes

Was in a lot of pain for awhile there, saw rheumy Wed, said I was in a flare, but not a fibro flare. I seem to have developed polymyalgic rheumatica and/or rheumatoid arthritis, and since a triple dose of prednisone made me 80% better in three hours, it seems to be fact. Had hand xrays and blood tests, and am starting plaquinal today. I’ve heard that name, but need to research it. But I will take it if it prevents more flares like the one I just had. I could not turn a key without much, much pain. So happy, happy, joy, joy. Always nice to get sicker instead of better. NOT! But hey, life is what you make it, and I choose to make mine fune and fulled with laughing. Laughing is good.

As for gripes, here’s an article I just came across: Blackstone Digital Audio and possibly Amazon

Seems this digital book company has a deal with possibly Amazon, so will not provide their e-books to the public for three months so possibly Amazon can have them exclusively for those who pay possibly Amazon. Amazon bought Whole Foods, and if you have Prime, you get cheaper food. I think this all disrupts supply and demand, which is/was the basis for our economy, and wreaks havoc with the system. In order to get a better price, or even access at all, to some things, you first have to give some money to Amazon. I can’t be the only one who sees what a disaster this is. Deregulation, letting one company buy up all forms of news outlets in a single area, letting companies buy up and demolish their competitiion, none of this is good for the consumer. I can’t fix it, but you all can with your votes. It matters that you vote, it matters even more WHO you vote for. People seem brainwashed to vote against their own best interests. IDEK.

More: Amazon and the Economy

Lazy Jean is Lazy

Because while I am slightly better, I am still struggling with fatigue and pain, and also cleaning up my old laptop in  hopes it will run better.  So far, it’s helping.  God, the stuff you accumulate.  At least it doesn’t take up real world space.  I wouldn’t have room to walk in here if it did. I wiped the new piece of crap completely, and just have to get the key off the router to set it up fresh with the internet.  I doubt it will help, because I may have mentioned that it is a piece of crap and I will never buy another Dell again ever.  They thoroughly shafted me and couldn’t care less.

So here’s a comment Iazy Jean made on here so I don’t have to come up with all new content.  :):

“One thing I’ve learned since dumping cable and antenna tv (I’m a Streamer, apparently, although what I really am is a fan of no commercials and no Trump in my face) is that my life is much less stressful and depressing. My mental health is more important than seeing all the bad that is going on, and all the things I don’t need that people insist on trying to sell to me. Imagine reading a book, and every ten pages someone jumps up to sell you cereal or a new car or the latest medicine (drug).

Bad stuff has always gone on, and always will. I can’t fix it. Humanity has not yet evolved into enlightened beings, and I”m not sure it ever will. Hate and fear and needing to be feel superior and selfish and greedy (Mine! Mine! Mine!) seems to be our genetic lot. Subjecting myself to it every day is extremely detrimental, so I have stopped. You cannot avoid everything, but you can give it a good try. Twitter is especially bad, it’s all negative, negative, negative. I rarely visit there. I am very selective in who I follow on FB and Tumblr, too. Fix your own world. Be kind, be helpful, vote for good people, even the dog catcher, because bad people seem to rise to the top more than the good ones do. Don’t let them get a foot in the door. There is a lot of good in the world, and we tend to focus on the bad. I read somewhere that we are programmed to remember bad stuff, I think because it kept us alive way back, but bad stuff is different now, and we need to work harder to avoid it. A major thing, in my opinion, is to do, read, listen to, those things that make you feel good, and avoid, avoid, avoid, all the shit that is out there to make life feel miserable. I know someone who watches Fox News, for example, and does not agree with their propaganda, so is always angry. This is deliberate sabotage of his own well-being. Why subject yourself to things that make you angry or frustrated or depressed. Why? Sometimes I think we are not the sharpest tacks in the box.

Stress is not good for fibro, and reading about all the shit that goes on is very stressful. Spending a lot of time on electronic media, tv, computer, etc., interferes with the ability to sleep well, too, and also cause stress, even if you’re just reading fluff and looking at pictures of rainbows. I prefer to read a book or fan fiction on my old unlit Kindle. It does not have the same effect on you as the others do.

The pain will get better, mine always does, eventually, but if it doesn’t, speak to your doctor. Sometimes flares can set up a feedback loop of pain and you may need outside assistance from your doctor to break the cycle. I’ve had this crap illness for 20 years, so I’ve figured out a few things here and there. I think.

Okay, feeling wordy today, but I had to save myself and my own sanity, and this is how I am doing it. I cannot fix the world, I tell myself this every day. No magic wands here, unfortunately.”