Not having the best day ever. Feeling stuck. Had a bright idea the other day, only to have to come to terms with the fact that I just can’t do it. I need to change things around periodically, or I just get frozen. But it gets harder every time. April first I’ll be here fourteen years. Fourteen years spent mostly here by myself in my little prison box. I rarely go out, and if I have to go somewhere, forget just wanting to go somewhere, I have to impose on a friend to get there. So I’m pretty much stuck.
This has never been my home. It’s the place I exist in limbo, because I seem to have no options. I manage to tuck that into a dark spot in my mind, but now and then it emerges and I start feeling stuck and trapped and needing to escape, and I can’t. All these years, and I haven’t been able to come up with a way out of this hell I am in. Limbo, maybe hell is too harsh a word. Or not. Sometimes it feels like I am in hell.
The other day I was watching the weather and noticed where I used to live on the map. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that I want to go home. I want to go home, back to my life, and my husband, and my family and my garden and MY LIFE. Only it no longer exists. There is no going home for me, ever. It’s been years since I’ve felt that need to be back there. Took me by surprise, and now I’m kind of having trouble letting it go again. I have to pull myself out of this, but not today. Today I am going to allow myself to feel the sadness and the longing for things that will never be. I’ll be better tomorrow.
about the unintended ramifications of Arizona’s ‘Why yes, we are homophobic morons’ bill allowing people to refuse to do their jobs based on their homophobic beliefs. Haven’t read if the gov signed it into law or not.
From an io9 post about the movie ‘Pompeii”:
“Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, whose intensity and self-awareness are both more than this movie really deserves, steals his scenes by giving every line his full weight while maintaining an air of mild bemusement that those are, in fact, his lines.”
You know how I always blame Ronald Reagan for things? Do I do that here? Anyway, he’s mentioned in this article, and in the comments, reinforcing my opinion. I’m sure he did good as well, but overall, we have a few companies owning most of the media outlets of all types, we have fewer consumer protections…I could go on, but just read the parts about him. The rest is interesting, too. Five Most Overrated Presidents
I always used to say to myself, “Please God, don’t let me get religion.” I have to add, “Don’t let me ever even consider being a Republican.”, too.
I tried to make it simpler by adding an email contact and a site search button, along with moving the subscribe button up. Just in case anyone cares. I do, cause I was looking for something and couldn’t figure out how to search the entire blog til I came across sitelevel.com. So then I found what I was looking for. Yay, me.
I hate them. I used to subscribe and my bill was a set thing every month. Then it started to vary. I ignored it at first, but after awhile, I was paying more and more for the same service. I called for an explanation, got the run-around, and cancelled everything. I had triple play. Went with Verizon, but no tv, cause seriously, commercials. Was fine til I got my Nexus 7, which I could not connect. I googled and read that Verizon blocked it. Back to comcast. Signed up in October. Bill has been steady every month until this one. Went up. Not much, but still. I signed up for a certain service at a certain price, and they arbitrarily decide to change the rules. How is that right? Got on the chat, after a long time back and forth, the guy credited me for the increase. Fine, what about NEXT month. No response to that. Going to call Verizon tomorrow (today, it’s after 2am) and see what they have to offer, and if I will be able to connect my Nexus. At least I have two choices. Some parts of the country have only one provider. They hold all the cards, and we are just pawns in their ‘how many ways can we rip off our customers?’ business model. Makes my blood boil, it does. Sheesh! Just needed to rant about that a little bit. I can live without cable tv, but not without the internet. There must be a better way. Mustn’t there?
After a really good day Monday, it’s been all downhill ever since. Why? I don’t know. Can’t sleep/can’t stay awake. Yesterday, I feel asleep twice on the couch, then slept most of the night. I can’t be THAT tired. My kitchen lights gave up the fight, which means I have to call maintenance. Do they still change fluorescent bulbs? Did I spell fluorescent wrong? Do I care? Last time, maintenance came and changed them, but that was I think three owners ago. At least they last a loooong time.
It is a lovely, very cold, sunshiny day. There is an ad on tv for a New England company selling a four-foot stuffed teddy bear for Valentine’s Day. It is directed at men. No, men. A four foot stuffed bear? Where would I put it? How long would I be expected to keep it hanging around? How would I clean it when it got dirty because the cat thought it was great for sleeping and clawing on? Please, take me out for a lovely meal, and maybe a nice bunch of seasonal flowers, or some heart-shaped iced cookies (yum, cookies). But a four-foot stuffed bear? Thank you, no.
I found this picture on a blog I recently rediscovered. Here: A Year From Oak Cottage It has autoplay music, so be warned. Very homey, kind of religious (not my thing), but lovely pictures. Anyway, the picture. Look at the smiling woman. I would not be smiling in any of these. I am not Suzie Homemaker. I am good with dirt. As in gardening. Housework, not so much. Plotting ways to escape is what I’d be doing. Let me put on my pretty dress and my apron and mop the floor. I couldn’t be happier. Or more brainwashed. Oi. Sorry, women/men who love mopping the floors. I am not one of you. Also, I don’t do dresses.
I had a very good day yesterday. I cleaned out and reorganized the frig shelves and contents, and then I did the freezer. Yay, me. It is a slow process, organizing, and when I go through a not-so-good period, things get messed up again, because I just stash things in the first handy spot. It’s very satisfying to actually Get Things Done, though. I am trying to get the kitchen into a state where if I am able to cook, I can get at the things I need without having to move and replace other things first. Lots of open shelves where the pots and pans could be set out and easily accessible would be wonderful, but I have a tiny kitchen that is crowded with two people in it at the same time. Not a lot of storage or counter space. I’m working on getting it optimal, though. I have done before, but again, it gets messed up when I am not doing well. Then, a friend ‘reorganized it’ for me, and forgot to consider my limitations in placing things. I appreciate the help, though. Always. I have very good friends. I am fortunate in that.
Found this picture of a larder on the above-mentioned blog. I could live with it:
So, I started watching Deep Space Nine on Amazon. Loving it all over again. There is so little on anymore that is worth watching, it’s great to have something enjoyable, and that it’s been too long to remember each ep.
I ordered in last night and got tempura veg, something new to me. Interesting, and I would get it again, I think. Assuming they stick to seasonal veg, it could be different every time.
I have plans to cook various things. Here’s hoping the functionality lasts long enough to follow through. Usually,plans never work out, but I’m always hopeful (or crazy).
Also hoping to go to a crochet/knitting group at the liibrary next Tuesday, but it depends on the weather. It’s been a snowy winter so far. Yay, winter. Last couple were pretty mild, and very disappointing. I like snow and winter. Guess that’s it for the update.
The argument about evolution that happened yesterday between Bill Nye (The Science Guy, YES!) and Ken Ham (who?). And you can’t ever win an argument with someone who has their mind made up and is wearing blinders, as well. I speak from experience here, folks. LOL
You might turn the sound down a bit. I’m a girl, and I find women’s voices sometimes shrill. Sorry.
Anyone else follow this on Tumblr, cause whoever runs it posts some really cool pictures. I should have been a geologist. I find it all fascinating. I am also crushed that no one ever replied to my ‘Looks like a fossilized chocolate, but since that isn’t possible, what the heck is it?’ query. Crushed, I tell you.
Also, after being very out of sorts and not feeling great for a couple of weeks, I suddenly got much, much better two days ago. No idea why, but I am getting things done again. Not along, not for very long at a time, but still. Getting things done is always a good thing. Yay, me. Also feeling happy(er) again. Liking that. A lot.
Edit: Oh, proofreading is such a good thing. Too bad it’s too late. I meant ‘not a lot’ instead of ‘not along’. Duh. I’ve been spending some time over on my LJ discussing Torchwood and fan fiction and stuff, so I need to get back over here and blog more than videos and such. Because I want to. Because I can. Even if no one reads it but me, it really does help to write things down, and I used to keep a journal, but after awhile, they just take up space, and I live in a small apartment. I’m even getting rid of old cd discs I’ve saved things on. I have a paid backup for my pc now, so why am I keeping this stuff? BTW, in case you didn’t know, I am a massive fan fiction whore, Torchwood and a bit of Sherlock only, though. There are some ff writers who are so much better than published authors I’ve read in any genre. You can start with Fanfiction.net, if you’re interested. There is ff about almost any tv show, movie, play, you can think of. I’ve actually read that the Fifty Shades of Grey book (is that the title?) which I am never going to read, began as fan fiction. For what, I have no idea, although there is a jpg that shows Captain Picard reading ‘Fifty Shades of Earl Grey’, which you have to be a trekkie to get, I think. LOLOL I think I have it. Yep. Oh, it is lovely to feel better again. Really. It is.