>Not my best day. Didn’t sleep well, woken up early by phone call from my old friend Private Name, Private Number, dozed, up at 9:30, zoned in front of computer, back to bed at 1:30, up at 5:30. Fun day. Later a scan found a trojan on here and deleted it, but I need to be more careful. I usually scan everything before I install, but clearly I missed something.

It’s been beautiful spring weather the past couple of days. In the fifties. Yesterday and the day before I went out with a friend to Joanne’s and the Christmas Tree Shop. I got a nice 4 inch thick round cushion for Gertrude to veg on, a watering can at CTS for a dollar that was 7.99 in Joanne’s the day before. I also got some new dish cloths and dish towels at CST. Nice and nice and cheap, too.

There is so much that needs doing, it is not a good idea to use my energy running around and shopping, but who wouldn’t choose fun over cooking and decluttering? When you only have so many spoons, you HAVE to choose, and I usually choose getting out of here. I’m lucky I am able to. For a long time, I had no way to get anywhere and no one to go there with anyway. So I enjoy it a lot now that I can.

Sometimes I envy those of you with partners. Someone to lean on, to go places with, to take over when you are non-functional, but sometimes I think it’s much easier to be alone and not have to feel guilty all the time for not being able to do what’s needed. Sometimes, though, it would be heaven to have someone who would just make me a cup of tea. Happy Spring everyone.

>I fix-ed my blog. I had help from the blogger group. An old post in not great english explained what to do. Happy Days.

I’m sorry Live Journal, but I just don’t love you like I do Blogger.

Update on my little old self. I think the combo of fibro, which doesn’t want me to sleep at night, and chronic fatigue, which wants me to sleep for ages, is really fighting with each other. I don’t think that’s good grammer, but I’ve been up all night. After several days of maybe sleeping three or four hours at a go, I slept all day one day then Monday night I went to sleep about 12:30am and woke up at 5:30 pm Tuesday, was up til 8:30 and had to go back to bed. Slept four more hours. Been up ever since. It is 10:30 Wednesday morning. My life is such fun. At least I am awake during daylight today. How refreshing. I cannot get this sleep thing under control, no matter how I try or what I do or what I take.

This evening I am going to a resident’s board meeting. It’s housing, because I get section 8 rental assistance from the housing department, and I am friends with the director and she asked me. Yay, me. Get to pretend to be a real person for a half hour or so. LOL

Spring is springing, although it’s still been pretty cold. There were one or two days where open windows were possible, and looking forward to more.

I cut my Zoloft down to 75 mls about a week ago, and my pain level has increased, but I am going to wait it out. I think the brain has to readjust itself whenever there is an increase/decrease in the meds, and that takes time. Hope it doesn’t take too long.

>Been having some blog issues recently, but I’m hoping all is sorted out.

I’ve been having some pain and lots of fatigue for the past week. I’ve been well enough to do some cooking, but not much else. I’ve made easy lasagna and sausage cornbread. Ate all the cornbread over two days, but have five meals of lasagna in the freezer. I’m also making pesto every time my herbs have grown enough.

I’m trying to do something in the living room that will make it look like a living room and not a conglomeration of stuff and more stuff. I can only work one day in a row and then have several recovery days, so it is very slow going. I wanted to get it done before the new homemaker comes on Friday, but it’s not looking good.

I got some extra-strength Excedrin without caffeine, since I have all these sleep problems, but it does not seem to work nearly as well for the pain. Everything is a trade-off with illness. Less pain=less sleep, more sleep=more pain. Is this fair? I think not.

Cannot wait for Fridays anymore. I want to know what happens in Galactica. What great writing in this show. It is so dark and intense and riveting. I am so not an ‘amazing runway idol Kardashian funniest video’ watcher, so anything that has some real intelligence behind it is gold. Oh, and I bought a nine dollar antenna to see what I get without cable. Haven’t hooked it up yet, though. Maybe there will be some channels out there I am not familiar with, and that actually have something I’d want to watch. We’ll see.

>I tend to forget that I need recovery days. It was cold, wet and slippery earlier, but I really wanted to go out, even if just to stand on the sidewalk outside the door for a bit. But I was just too tired. I had a nap instead. I will do better. I just have to remember pacing and recovery. Pacing and recovery. Two very important aspects of fibro/chronic fatigue.

I got a really interesting book at the library yesterday: Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin. She is an autistic woman who works with cattle for the government, and she talks about how both animals and autistic people think visually instead of with words. It is a good insight into how brains can work differently but still work efficiently and cleverly. She works with cattle, so that’s her focus, but she touches on dogs and cats and how you can interpret their behaviour by understanding what they see. I think it’s also very illuminating into how the autistic mind works. So if you know someone who is autistic, this book is a valuable resource, in my opinion.

I was really happy to have a book when I went to bed last night. I have always been a reader, and always had a book to read before I went to sleep, until I got really sick. Even when I was still able to work, I would read several books a week. I’ve missed books, even though I’ve had some here and there over the years. I’ve read my own books many times, as well. I love books. I love the feel of the book in my hands, the smell, turning the pages, the whole reading experience of books. I read online, too, but it is a completely different experience. I much prefer books. Real, printed word, bound pages, nicely covered books.

I don’t have nearly as many books as I used to have. For a time, when I was really sick and very isolated, I thought my life was over and I was just waiting to die. I started divesting myself of things, and began with books. I gave away all of my Agatha Christies, my Rex Stouts, my Robert B. Parkers, among others. I kept only my non-fiction, and not all of that. I was in the library one day and saw a book on the shelf. “I have that book” says I to myself. Picked it up, opened it, and saw it WAS my book. I had given it to the library a few years earlier. I used to keep lists of what I’ve read and what I wanted to read, favorite authors, books I’d read or hear about. Who knows, I may still have them stashed away somewhere.

I just bought a copy of “The Magic Apple Tree”, a favorite book I used to read seasonally. I’d get my copy from the library. Saw it mentioned on a blog, and just had to order it from Amazon. It was only a few dollars, but so much enjoyment packed into those pages. Books are my friends.

Here’s hoping that tomorrow I will have enough energy to go out. If I don’t walk, I will ellipse. I will.

>I’ve been having some problems with either not sleeping or not staying awake. So I decided to take a week for an experiment. It’s day four. I quit all my meds except Excedrin and asthma inhaler. No knock-you-out pills. I actually am feeling much better. More alert. The sleep schedule is interesting, too. The first day or so, I slept a few hours here and there. Night before last I went to bed at 5pm and got up at 1:30 am. Crashed at 8pm last night, and woke up at 3:45 this morning. It’s 5:30 now. I’m up, dressed, had my coffee. Feeling good. I did get a pain flare yesterday afternoon, but was better after my friend Tess felt well enough to come over for some Big Kahuna. We always get hysterical playing that, because it makes up it’s own words, which are sometimes pretty funny, and most often nonsensical. But they get us points and laughter. I guess laughter really is the best medicine. I’m feeling some pain this morning, so I will take some Excedrin, but overall, I think this experiment is working pretty well. I even cooked yesterday.

>Had a pretty good day yesterday. Got some tidying up done Thursday, and then yesterday my friend Tess came over and we went to Joanne’s. I got some more yarn, and I actually started to crochet something. Not sure what it’s going to be yet, but it’s good to be making something again. I’ve been wanting to for quite some time, but just hadn’t gotten it together enough to get started. I also got some gimp. I know, gimp is so junior high, but I saw a pbs show the other day where they were using it, then in Joanne’s there was a package with some cool colors, so I got it. LOL Regression, it’s a good thing.

Last night, my friend Beth came over and brought Chinese food. We had a nice meal and a nicer chat. She is having kind of a hard time lately, and has isolated herself, which I know all about, believe me. So I offered to be her cheering-up connection, and promised to call her. And I will. I miss her in my life. She doesn’t live too far away, but her life is soooo busy, and the isolating thing just cuts her off from her friends. So I can be a good thing. It’s good to not always be the needy one.

Before she came over, I had started with some pain, which only got worse, and by the time I went to bed, I was having some serious pain. I spent most of today in bed, trying to sleep through it, and feel somewhat better now. I’m glad it didn’t turn into a full-blown flare. I want to enjoy my life, and pain kind of gets in the way when it’s really bad.

It is still lovely, lovely weather. Still grey and rainy and mild, windows open for a few days and nights now. I like this kind of weather. My Aerogarden is doing very well, and will need some cutting back pretty soon. It’s nice to have some fresh green things growing. I do like herbs, so I’m looking forward to using them soon.

My shoulder is hurting quite a bit still, and typing seems to make it worse, so I am done for now. Happy life, everyone.

>Now that I changed my blog’s look, I can’t figure out how to change it back.
Also, I am feeling a bit peeved. I do read another blog by someone with a chronic, debilitating illness and someone else commented negatively on it. Everyone is different. Illness does not affect everyone exactly the same way. Some people can function better, some not so much. Those of us who do function better do not need to be judgmental of those of us who do not. We would all be working and getting on in life if we were able. No one chooses to struggle, it just happens. I’d go back and do my job in an instant if I was able. I’d cook every day, and do my own vacuuming and laundry and shopping if I could. It’s no fun having strangers come into your home and wash your undies and clean your toilet. It’s not easy to shop second hand. I am a visual person, and I can eat very well if I can see what’s in the store and be reminded of it. Making lists is another story. I can never think of what to eat. I’d be the other me so fast it would make your head swim if I could. But I can’t. Apparently I never will, either. This isn’t something that goes away. It’s not fatal, but boy it sure does change your life forever. It’s painful, and exhausting, and frustrating, and sad, and difficult, and isolating. So you can still work. Well more power to you. But don’t judge those of us who can’t. It is hard enough without being judged for things over which you have little or no control. So just shut up, Martha.

>
I did not sleep well last night, so I am very tired today. Not getting as much done as yesterday. Did have the visit from Mary Ellen this morning, folded some laundry, made my lunch, watched tv.

The problem is, I can’t find Gertrude. She usually comes out after she’s sure everyone but me is gone, and I have said ‘treats’ several times and shaken the bag, looked in all the cupboards and closets, under the bed, under the shelves, all the places she usually hides, and no Gertrude She has to be here somewhere, and there aren’t that many places to hide. I know she didn’t go out, because she has never gone out on her own, and will not even go near the door when anyone goes in or out. Gertrude, where are you? I guess I’ll have to wait until she gets hungry enough.

Mary Ellen asked about the cats and so I had to tell her about Simon, and now Gertrude has gone super-invisible as opposed to her normal invisible. Not my best day. But it’s gorgeous outside, so some compensation.