>Eureka!!

>A light bulb moment. While lying awake all night last night, feeling sorry for myself, in pain, thinking about my life…realization came upon me. When I have a good day, sometimes I go out shopping with a friend. I can buy material, sewing notions, scissors, all the things you need to create something. I can buy lovely fruits and vegetables, meat, whatever. A part of my brain still thinks I am living that old life, and it kicks in on those days. Then, I’m home. Just me. And I cannot do the steps required to make something with that material. I cannot do the steps required to get an actual meal on the table with that food.

My ‘good day’ brain is making my real life brain want to attempt things it knows are not possible. Even on a ‘good’ day, I have trouble getting food on the table. I need to seriously rethink what I need to do, what I need to have, how I need to live in the confines of this illness. I can’t buy a pound of chili powder from the spice shop and expect to use it in my lifetime, let alone in a few months like in that other pre-illness life. I cooked with chili powder a lot. We liked it. I like it. But I don’t need it in quantity anymore.

Trying to make sense of it, and recognizing that there is still a part of me that hasn’t moved on from that other life. It needs to. I need to. I am not that person anymore, and I never will be again. I will never have that life again. Deal with it.

What do I really need? A bed, bedding, a table for a lamp and a book, a place for my clothes. A chair to relax in, a table to eat at, a place for my computer and my desk. A few dishes, a couple of pots and pans, some silverware. Do I need a roasting pan, all those baking dishes, a shelf full of glasses? I’m going to work on this and see where it gets me. Will my life be easier? We’ll have to wait and see.

>A flare! A flare!

>And a bad one, at that. Started last night and I spent the whole night awake and in pain, and then most of the day trying to sleep through it. A bit better now, but it was pretty bad for awhile. I’m wondering if stopping the Zanaflex is what brought it on. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary recently.

Tonight I watched Ugly Betty, Grey’s, and LOST. Is tv getting stupider, or is it just me? I love Torchwood, Doctor Who, and Battlestar Gallactica, but almost everything else seems more like just noise. Silly, dragging-on-forever plots that I just want to be OVER. I need some good books. Time to check out the library on-line again. I love that I can order books from all over Massachusetts, and then just pick them up at the local library, which is right up the street from me. Any body have any good books to recommend?

I’ve been having fun with Firefox lately. Downloaded some more extensions, and a gooGreen theme, which is just white with some leaves on the right. There are a couple of nice extensions I just got that are really lovely. One is Scribefire, which is a blogging extension so you can easily blog without having to go to your blog first. The other is Scrapbook, where you can save web pages to read later, without losing them in the bookmarks folder. I really like this, along with Evernote, which allows you to save bits and pieces of any page with one click.

I couldn’t enjoy my computer without Firefox, I don’t think. If for any reason I am forced to use IE for something, I am lost without my extensions. Top/bottom of page arrows, shortcuts, right-click enhancements. I do love my Firefox.

>Raining

>For the second day in a row. I love rain. April is my birth month, so ‘April Showers’, Singing in the Rain’, and ‘Just Walking in the Rain’ are three of my favorite songs. April showers bring May flowers.

Very tired today. Gave up the Zanaflex, then not sleeping well at all, so took two Benadryl last night. Worked fine, but didn’t get quite enough sleep. After my two and half good days last week, I’ve been kind of in a slump again, with no energy to keep on with the decluttering/rearranging. But I will get there. Sooner or later. *smile*

I need to buy a couple of fans for the summer, since all three of mine died at the same time. Hmmmmm, what could have caused that? I blame Simon. He’s the official scapegoat for this household.

I am feeling much better since I got the living room in better shape. Lots of floor visible, and much less clutter. Still have ‘refining’ to do, the kitchen could use some work, and then it’s the bedroom. The bathroom is always in pretty good shape, thanks to my homemaker. The kitchen is just too small. It’s only got two small counters, and they are pretty much taken up with dishdrainer, coffee maker, and storage jars. And part of the actual moving around space is taken up by the cart with the microwave, toaster oven, and toaster. It has to be moved before I can open the dishwasher, so I try to mostly do dishes by hand. Then I have several not-so-good days in a row, and the dishes pile up. I don’t really worry too much about it, except if I’m running out of cups for my morning coffee.

Ohhh, slumping. Off to find something to eat.

>Spring Day

> It’s been a glorious spring day. A thunderstorm this morning, then around 70 degrees and sunny. Beautiful day. I found out that a friend is giving me, for my birthday, the gift of physical labor, which I do not have energy for. She and her DH will take away items I need to get rid of, help me with organization, etc. And steak. What a gift. I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends. It’s a been a good day all around.

>Oh, Happy Day

> Finally, with some help from a friend, I got the living room organized. A pile of stuff on the couch and a couple of boxes to go through, and that’s it. Hooray! What a relief. It’s amazing how much clutter can debilitate you, mentally as well as physically. So that’s two rooms done. Next I will tackle the bedroom. I am zee happy, happy lady. *smile*

>One Day Later

>It went okay. I stayed up later than I should have, so when the alarm went off at 9, I stayed in bed and slept til 11:15 or so. But then I had a very good day. My friend came over and we went to Walmart and Shaw’s, back here, then to her house so I could help her with her laptop. It has gotten very slow and needed some serious tweaking. Then I stayed for dinner, did the dishes, gave her husband a hard time for watching Bill O’Rellly, and came back home where we played games on my pc for a couple of hours. Now I’m tired, but still feeling good. Very little pain today, for the first time in a couple of weeks.

Already took my pills tonight, and have the alarm set for 9am tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a warmer day tomorrow, but today was quite nice with light rain and coolish winds. I do love rain.

The picture is out my living room windows, taken in April of 2005. I hope the flowering pear trees are as nice this year. Some years they are amazing, and other years, not so much. The pansies were a birthday gift from friends. I love pansies, especially yellow ones. It was a good day, both the day I took the picture, and today. Tomorrow is April. I like April. *smile*

>Just Thinking

>This is a beautiful picture from my favorite Korean tv show, Winter Sonata. It was shown on AZN tv with subtitles, a real bonus since I speak no Korean. I came across it while surfing channels, and before I knew it, I was hooked by the music and then by the story itself. It did seem that everyone was always crying, and always wearing their coats, but it was winter, so……. I liked it so much I bought the DVD set on Amazon. Guilty pleasure, I think.

Haven’t felt much like blogging lately. Been struggling with sleep issues again, and ever since I did the very short walk in the park a few weeks ago, my legs have been really painful and twitchy and uncomfortable. But I still think it was worth it. Being out, being in the park I seldom get to go to, spending time with my friend and the lovely little West Highland Terrier Misty. It was a good day. I even took some pictures of a tree top and some bark as well as the puppy.

I did cook yesterday, and the day before I had those fresh steam-in-bag veggies with ham. Those veggies are very nice. It takes more energy than I can spare to peel carrots and wash and cut up broccoli, or any veg for that matter, so having them ready to go in a bag you just nuke for a few minutes is a very good thing. I think you can just use them raw, too, for dipping or whatever, but I decided to go with the steaming.

I am trying, trying, to get organized. I did get the kitchen pretty well done finally, but now I have about four days worth of dishes waiting to be washed. I have to move a cart on wheels to get to the dishwasher, and there are too many to do by hand except in batches, which is how I got into this mess in the first place. Those darn dishes. Eating only finger foods would be nice, but boring.

I am stating here for all to see that I am going to follow a schedule. Take my pills at 11pm and set the alarm for 9am. And GET UP at nine, even if I didn’t sleep. Not sure how this will work, cause if I don’t sleep enough, I am pretty non-functional the next day, but I really want to have a normal sleep-wake pattern and I’ve tried everything else I can think of.

I had a compliment (I think) the other day. My homemaker came in from shopping and picking up a prescription for me, and as she came in the door she said, “You’re 64!”. “I will be next month”, I said. “I thought you were no more than 55”, she said, “but I just figured out your age”. Gee, I filmed myself for a couple of minutes with my new dinosaur webcam the other day, and I think I look like I’m 90. Or maybe I just feel like I’m 90. Being ill takes it out of you and ages you.

I read somewhere that I should have a post about myself, and a way for readers to contact me if I want to be a successful blogger. Thinking about it. That’s all for now.

>It’s Time

> I like clock-changing time in the autumn. Get up, change clock, it’s an hour earlier. But now, in spring, I change them before bed. It’s a really hard adjustment either way for people with illness-related sleep problems. I’ve tried all sorts of adjustments, none of which work even a little bit. Oh, well.

It’s been a lovely week, weather-wise. Rainy some days, but not too cold and very pleasant to be outside. Went out a little Tuesday and Friday afternoon. I really would like to get out more, but it’s hard to motivate myself when I don’t have enough energy to get dressed. *smile* I got some books from the library, too. Real books. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been to the library, and it was a lovely feeling to bring home a handful of books. I do like to read, and I’ve read all of my own books so many times I can probably read them with my eyes closed.

I was watching Torchwood earlier and started feeling achy. Thought to self, “I must be coming down with something. Rats.” Then remembered that I feel like that every day. Torchwood can make you forget. It’s a good thing.

I also got a little cute webcam yesterday. It looks like a dinosaur. I wasn’t going to ever get one, but…..Anyway, cammed the cats to a friend last night, and today just turned it on myself, for myself, not broadcast. Oh, pretty depressing. I look so old, and fat, and sad. I’m not sad, generally, but old and fat? There’s just no getting around it. That does make me sad. Guess I’ll take my old, fat, sad self to bed. It’s an hour later than it is, at least until 2 am. Happy spring, everyone.

>It’s Leap Day

> An artificial construct to make an artificial time-line sync with itself. And it’s COLD outside. 20 degrees. Went across street to convenience store for some milk and wine since it’s supposed to snow later. Going to make bread pudding, so need more milk. Going to drink wine, so needed wine. A nice and cheap Chardonnay.

I had a good day today. And yesterday, although by last evening I was in a lot of pain and completely, totally exhausted. But fine today. Had a nap this afternoon, which helped. Simon sat on me throughout the nap, which made for a nice and warm nap.

I mentioned my Green Mountain delivery. It came packed in brown paper, which was cut throughout. I put the box by the cat’s platform and Simon pulled out a piece and proceeded to stretch it with his teeth and made a little nest. Then this morning, when I got up, brown paper and the white paper which was also included, were all over the living room. NOT torn up, thank you very much cats, just all over. They must have had fun while I slept. Sometimes when I get up, there are clumps of cat hair all over the rug. What were they doing? So long as they don’t wake me up, I don’t really care.

Happy Leap Day, everyone.

>It’s still not spring yet

>
But it will be, sooner or later. We had rain today, and most of the leftover snow is gone. I am feeling very non-productive. I have things that have a deadline that I haven’t even begun to work on. And the deadline is before the end of the week.

Cannot seem to get myself together. Yesterday I was up til 5am messing about on the old pc. So today I got up at noon. My coffee stuff came from Green Mountain, so I called a friend to come over and see my prezzy. I got a little something for her, too, so it was worth the trip. I hope.

I got a new grinder, among other things. My old one is thirty years old. Still works, but I’m going to reserve it for spices, which I don’t grind that often, so it should last a few more years. Part of it disintegrated several years ago, but it still grinds.

Been having a lot of walking problems lately. Really hurts a few hours after I’ve walked, and the walking itself is kind of wobbly. Good thing I don’t have to go out much. Yesterday we went to Walmart (yes, I know, I hate it, too, but I’m poor) and Christmas Tree Shop where I bought nothing. Hooray for me. On the other hand, I stocked up on some things at Walmart, so money was still spent.

I finally got the room plan worked out, but now I will need a new table or computer desk or something similar. I think I’ll check out Freecycle. Off to find some food. Oh, and my new homemaker volunteered to move furniture for me. For free.

>It’s Not Spring Yet

>

It’s only 25 degrees out. Darn chilly, if you ask me. Had a pretty good day. Talked to a friend in Florida, had another friend over for coffee and on-line games, and did a small amount of rearranging in the kitchen. Wanted to do more, but got tired. Yesterday, I slept til 2pm, and for the several days before that, I was just in pain and did nothing but lay around or play on the computer. I’m going to try to get some more done before tv time later. Tonight it’s Mythbuster’s McGuyver episode. RDA I miss SG1.

>Another update

>
Looking back over my posts, I realize I didn’t mention my Christmas. It was excellent. I spent the day at my friends’ house, had my favorite meal for dinner (steak on the grill) and relaxed and chatted and laughed and had a wonderful time. I also did NOT take the bus to the store that day I mentioned it.

>Blog Update

>
I decided to fancy up my blog by adding the links to blogs I read on a regular basis. I do like to read, and they are a varied lot. Bad grammar? I think my favorite is A Year At Oak Cottage, because the pictures are beautiful and the writing is very, very descriptive and lyrical and lovely. So if anyone else actually does read this, I hope you will check some of the blogs out.

We are in for a huge snowstorm, it seems. Although December was supposedly the snowiest month on record for the Boston area, it seems like it hardly snowed at all here. I bought new ice grippers for my shoes from RevelSports.com in Wisconsin. Last thing I need is to fall and break something. So maybe I will actually get to use them, along with my beautiful Sorel boots I bought when I was working. It’s not supposed to start snowing til midnight, and I can hardly wait. I love watching the snow fall.

>And so this is Christmas

>
Christmas eve, anyway. It’s a warm spell, and the snow is melting, but there’s enough left to qualify for a white Christmas. Not at all Christmasy this year am I. Didn’t write a card, buy a present, make a cookie, put up a single decoration. But that’s okay. I am happy. Christmas dinner with old and dear friends tomorrow, and having a relaxing day, is the plan. Missing my loved ones, but I do realize that life is what it is, and things are the way they are, and I am okay with that. I hope everyone everywhere has a happy holiday season, and the best new year yet.

>SNOW!!

>
Yes, we’ve had a bit of snow. Both last night and this afternoon. Both times it changed to rain, though, so no accumulation. But how lovely, this afternoon, to look out at big snowflakes slowly drifting down. I love the first snows. They remind me of our first year here in Massachusetts, when a storm began with large, soft flakes, slowly slowly slowly drifting down. For three days. It was amazing. My first truly huge snowstorm. We all went mad for it. When the sidewalks were plowed, the snow was piled head-high. It was February, 1969, and I will never forget standing on our screened-in second floor porch with my husband, watching the snow fall. Soft, hushed, beautiful. It is one of my favorite life-time memories. Snow.

>New England

>
Ah, yes. New England. Yesterday it warmed up. Had the windows open all night and most of today. It was in the sixties when I went to bed last night. Supposed to be in the 20s tonight. Interesting weather we’re having? Yes, it is. But lovely. Just having the windows open this late in the season is a treat. I like all of New England’s weather, except for the stickies in the summer, and I have air-conditioning, which makes it semi-bearable. But only semi. The climate seems to be changing rather quickly, so I’m really curious to see what the winter is going to be like. I’ll keep you posted.

>Cold

>In more ways than one. It’s cold outside, and it’s cold inside, and I think I have a cold. Or a really bad allergy attack going on. Whatever. I feel totally crappy for the umpteenth day in a row. Hmmm. The cup in that woman’s hand makes me think of tea. I’m going to go make myself a cup, since Simon will NOT ever do it for me. Doesn’t he get that I’m the one who feeds him and cleans out his litter box? A little reciprocation would be nice, kitty.

>Winter…

>
I think. It snowed a bit today, but didn’t stick. Turned to rain instead. I made a serious error in trying to keep out the cold. Put up mylar curtain panels in the windows, which worked beautifully keeping it warmer, but I couldn’t see out. By the second day, I was seriously depressed and non-functioning. So today I took them down (put them up Friday and it’s Tuesday.) Felt better almost immediately. Amazing. Light is important. Connection to the outdoors is important. Learn something new every day, don’t I!  That’s not my window, btw.  It’s just a picture I found.  My windows ALL face North.  No sun.

>Climate Change

>
MY climate has certainly changed. Went to bed in warm weather, woke up to fall. Finally. It’s downright chilly in here. I was beginning to wonder if it was going to cool off at all, and then it did overnight. It is almost November. A lot of trees haven’t even turned yet, partly because of the drought, I think, but also because it’s been more like summer than autumn. So I’m off to close the window, cause I’m freezing here.

>Weather

>
It is mid-October, I believe. Windows are open, humidity is high, and it’s raining off and on. Not hard, but wet. Windows open all night, too. Guess I’ll be happy it’s not snow, but I have had enough of sticky for this year.

Didn’t do much at all today. Messed around on computer, that’s about it. Washed a few things in the sink, did a few dishes, tossed an old magazine. I’m really working on my pile of magazines. I don’t HAVE to read them, but hey, I want to. So they are getting decluttered very slowly, but decluttered none-the-less.

My friend gets back from vacation tonight. Hope she had a good time and a safe trip hope.