Illness Ramble

Being frustrated with everything, I decided to look for other illness-related blogs.  Came across a few interesting ones.  Seems I’m not the only one frustrated with doctors and medicine.  Anyway, one person was talking about how meds work a bit, then don’t, and how reading about them, she found that they don’t know how certain meds even work.  Or why.  Got me thinking, and I replied this, which I thought I’d just put here as well.

no idea

“BTW, reading your About page, my first rheumatologist agreed with you that they are the same illness.  He said if you have more pain, they call it fibro, if you have more fatigue, they call it CFS.  Sometimes I think that after they’ve tested you for everything else and couldn’t find anything, which is what happened with me, they call it fibro/cfs instead of ‘we don’t have a clue what’s wrong with you, but if we give it a name we can prescribe meds.’  You know, the ones that don’t work, or work a month, as was said here.  🙂  They don’t know what’s wrong with you, they don’t know why the meds work when they randomly do, they don’t really know anything and we are just guinea pigs.   I take Prednisone, which I got on for a completely unrelated reason, and when the dose is right, I am 80% better.  They keep telling me Prednisone does not work for fibro.  Then why does it work?  Do I not have fibro after all?  Do you actually have a clue about anything related to this whatever it is illness?  Yes, I am currently very frustrated with my rheumatologist, who seems to have devolved into a ‘Do what I say, I don’t care how it affects you.  I am the doctor here, not you.’ mentality.”
you will listen

Going to call a new doctor today to see if she’s taking patients.  I just read, too, that you live longer if you have a female doctor, which my primary care is but not the rheumatologist.  Definitely time for a change.

And It’s A Light Bulb Moment

Had a bit of excitement a bit ago.  Someone screaming for help in the hallway.  Next door neighbor had fallen, so ambulance was called and all taken care of, but when I first heard her screaming, I was lying on the ouch in a lot of pain.  Managed to get to the door, out into the hall, convince another neighbor to stop grilling her about why she was in the hallway and just call the effing ambulance, waited, talked to EMT’s, etc.  The Light Bulb moment is that I am letting the pain dictate.  I can actually function to a certain degree, it’s my mind-set that is holding me back.  Good to know.  BTW, don’t waste time grilling people who are hurt, just call the effing EMT’s.  Sheesh!   Made sure the dog had food and water and her apt. door was locked, so she is in hospital now, and nosy neighbor is back where she belongs.  And I am enlightened.  It’s all good.

I’m Back…

I think.  I’ve wanted to be back for a while now, but was afraid any post would just turn into a big whine, and nobody wants to read that.  But as an update, I will say that I have been in various forms of pain, some completely debilitating, since the end of November.  I spent around two months in bed or on the couch, because I was completely incapacitated by the pain.  I am making a slow recovery, having the odd good moment here and there where I can actually make toast, or take a shower, or some little thing that would not have counted for effort before all this. I’ve only been out of the apartment five times since November 21st.   681317I also had a lovely time with a pain med my FORMER doctor prescribed, which I only took for four days, but during that time I had hallucinations and a complete disconnect from time.  There was a Monday night where I keep falling asleep, waking up thinking I’d slept for hours, only to find it was still dark.  Did I sleep 24 hours?  Is it day?  Is it ever going to be day?  It was quite entertaining.  Well, maybe not.  And still, the jury is out on what is actually the problem.  After fifteen years of being told I have Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it turns out not.  I guess that’s just what they say you have when they haven’t a clue.  Thank you, medicine.

Anyway, seeing a new doctor Wednesday, and am hoping to convince her to ignore what all the previous doctors have said/done, and just start from scratch.  And give me something for the pain.  So I can function.  We’ll see how that goes.  I’ve kind of lost faith in the medical profession.

Meanwhile, I’ve been reading fan fiction, reading blogs, trying to keep connected to the world.  I was crushed to read that Google Reader was being killed, but immediately discovered Feedly, which I so far like even more that I did Greader.  If you don’t know about feed-readers, it means you do not have to check a blog, or any on-line news or magazine,  every day to see if there’s a new post.  They just automatically appear in your reader, saving eons of time and energy.  Could not get by without one.  Feedly seems the easiest to move over to if you already have Google Reader.  It will just transfer all your feeds, and it’s very easy to add new ones.  So far, I recommend it.

I’ve found I’m cutting back more and more on watching tv, even on my Roku, where I have Amazon, Hulu, and Netflix feeds.  Most things are just boring.  Except Castle.  I love Castle.  And Elementary, even though I was sure I would hate it.  Watson is NOT a woman.  But if you look at it as an AU, it’s really a very good show.  It’s just about characters who are called Holmes and Watson, but not THE Holmes and Watson.  If you get what I mean.  LOL  Big Bang Theory, of course.  I love The Big Bang Theory, even though they have upped Sheldon’s part and made him hundreds of times more annoying.

Today I met my neighbor and his little dog, too.  My favorite saying since I saw Jack say it in the first (I think) ep of Will and Grace.  Who knew The Wizard of Oz would have such an impact?  Over The Rainbow is apparently designated as the greatest film song ever, too.  Anyway, I foolishly signed up for the Beer of the Month club last summer.  Which is lovely, and I’ve had some outstanding beers, none of which are Budweiser.  I hate Budweiser.  It is to beer what sewage is to fresh water.  Yes, I have an opinion.  Deal with it.  🙂

My point is, the delivery of said beer sucks.  There is no notification that it’s being/been delivered, and is just dumped in the outer lobby where anyone can walk off with it.  My neighbor, unasked, has taken on the task of bringing it up to me.  He left me a note once, but today he knocked to let me know it was here, so I met him and his unbelievably gorgeous dog.  What a beautiful animal  A big dog, golden and white, with short hair.  Don’t know the breed, but am going to ask, for sure.  Dog barks a lot, and could use some Dog Whisperer magic, but lord, is he beautiful.  And friendly.  Neighbor is pretty nice, too.

It’s good to be back.  I’m pretty sure no one actually reads this who I don’t know personally, since no one seemed to miss me.  So I write for me.  So what?  I like to read.  LOLOL Later.

Starting Once Again

It’s 3am, and I’m up. Not STILL up, just GOT up. Actually woke up around 2, after going to bed at 3pm yesterday, after being up all night, after getting up at 2pm the day before, after not getting to sleep til around 6am that morning. Screwed up sleep schedule, anyone?

So I have decided to give it another go, and made up a new schedule that I don’t have any chance of being able to stick to. Feeling pretty good right now, so am filled with the ‘Yes, I can’ attitude that goes away once the fatigue and/or pain kicks in, which it always does.

Wanted to post while I AM feeling hopeful, anyway. It’s a new day, or will be in a few hours, so a new start. In my head, at least. Life is an adventure, people. My goal is to enjoy the ride as much as I possibly can.

>Dizzy

>I’ve been having a lot of allergy problems recently, sneezing, stuffy nose, runny nose. Then today I got….VERTIGO. Oh, that was fun. Had to get a friend to take me to the doctor’s and walk me through the whole thing. Fortunately, it didn’t last long, and I’m not actually sick, but it was something I’d never had before. It was quite interesting and fun, but if it had lasted for any length of time, it would have been miserable, I think.

Why is it allergy season? Isn’t it freezing cold? Shouldn’t all the pollen and whatever else I’m allergic to be on vacation or something? Hadn’t been to the doctor in a couple of years, cause I haven’t been sick. He wasn’t happy about that. Hey, send me a reminder. Everything I do is a major hassle with this illness, so if I don’t have to go, I’m not going. Right? Yes, right. I do like my doctor, though. He actually takes the time to talk to me, not rush me through.

Oh, it’s really hard to find clip art of a dizzy woman, apparently, so just imagine me walking like I had a few too many while hanging onto the arm of my friend. It was pretty funny. LOL

>Well Hello

>

I have been added to this:

http://www.mastersinhealthcare.com/blog/2010/50-great-blogs-for-fibromyalgia-support/

I am surprised. Kind of pleased, kind of nervous. This is the second spot to recognize my blog. Here’s the first:

http://www.myfibro.com

Does not mean I am going to change anything. I write what I write. It’s not all about illness, because I am not all about being ill. I am about life. Living it, loving it, getting the most out of it that I can with my limitations. Taking each day as it comes, dealing with what that day brings, moving on to the next day. It’s how I survive being mostly alone, being fatigues, being in pain. Deal with what’s there and never anticipate tomorrow. Works for me.

So thanks to those acknowledging my blog and seeing something of value there. Sometimes I think I’m only blogging for myself, but I know people read it, they just don’t comment. Or maybe Blogger won’t let them. Whatever. I just hope somebody gets something out of it, whether it be a laugh, some insight, whatever. It’s a good thing.

Guess that means I have to update my tags now.

>An Experiment

>
Having a lot of leg pain today. I am trying to not just pop pain pills all the time, and when I do, I try to do a different one each day. Extra-Strength Excedrin works well, but keeps me awake. Ibuprofen works well but is bad for you???? Advil doesn’t work well and destroys my stomach. What to do? So tired and pained, I decide to try exercise. Briefly. Very briefly. I ellipsed for about five minutes, and believe it or not…..less pain. I am interested to see what happens later in the day, however, because usually when I do something like ellipse or shop or whatever, the pain doesn’t set in until later or even the next day or so. I’ll keep you posted.

>A little shopping

>
Went out with my friend today. We had coffee and then got a few groceries, came back here and played Big Kahuna on the laptop til she had to leave to fix dinner for her hubbies. Just one husband. I had a friend once who called her husband ‘hubbies’ and it kind of stuck. Anyway, it really looked like winter today, but wasn’t that cold. This was my second good day in a row, so I was very happy. More energy, less pain. No idea why, but I never know why I’m better or worse. It just happens. I enjoy every second when I’m better, and try to have as much fun as I can when I’m worse, usually reading LOLcats, or watching funny movies. Laughing is always good, and always makes me feel better, even when I feel miserable. It’s a good thing.

>Today I Am a Zombie

>
I don’t, however, eat brains. Ewww. But I have been up all night, unable to sleep yet again. If I don’t take my knock-out pill, this is what happens. Sometimes it happens even when I do take the knock-out pill. No matter what I do, what new technique I try, this just keeps on keeping on. Once a week or sometimes more. I just want to be normal. Go to bed at night, get up in the morning, have my life during the daytime, with, you know, sunshine and all that.

I am usual pretty much non-functional when this happens. I make coffee, but forget the water. I put the beans in the bottom of the grinder instead of in the grinder cup. I forget to put a cup under the drip thingy when I use that pot. I drop things. I forget things. Mostly I stay on the couch with the laptop. It keeps me from doing too much damage to myself, my apartment, or the cat.

Sometimes though, I can’t sleep for days at a time. The longer I’m awake, the better I feel, until I finally crash and sleep for 14 hours or more. The whole sleep thing does get frustrating, and just makes the problems from fibro-cfs that much worse.

On the other hand, and there is always another hand (little humor there), I found this neat blog while I was reading. It’s fun if you’re a book lover, and possibly even if you’re not. Here’s the link:

http://betterbooktitles.com/

Here’s another:

http://slaughterhouse90210.tumblr.com/

>Sick???

>

I’m either sick or having a massive allergy attack. Whichever it is, I feel really awful. Sneezing, stuffy, headache, and my legs are still having a lot of pain so walking is difficult. Just another fun day.

I’ve just been listening to classic alternative music on the tv and reading Torchwood fanfiction. Keeps my mind off feeling crappy. Oh, I am so tired of feeling crappy. Could someone please invent pain pills that actually work without destroying some of your internal organs? Please?

Off to read (and sulk) some more. LOL

>
Stick a fork in me, I’m guilty. I know, I know. That makes no sense. That’s me. I’m not sleeping much, or well, again. Very shaky when I got up this morning. Not going to make it to vote, even though I really, really want to. I messed up and wasn’t able to get the absentee ballot, and I don’t have the means or the energy to get to the voting place, so crap. I do try to be a responsible citizen. I felt guilty for a very long time after I moved here, because I have no way to recycle, which I was always big on before. But things are the way they are.

So then I got into a huge discussion with my homemaker. We started talking about being gay. She thinks the world is evil and that’s why there are gay people and lions eat meat, and a lot of really odd (to me) things. So we went from gays to religion and what the bible says, and then on to children and how you go about teaching them to make good choices. It got kind of heated, but not angry. It was fun to have a really good go-round with someone. Don’t get to do that very often. No one to argue with in a friendly way. Or any way, for that matter.

The thing is, we touched on the Asperger’s issue, too, and now I’m wondering if maybe me thinking it was a friendly and fun discussion/argument thing, maybe she doesn’t see it that way. Like this has never happened to me before. I never really get why people don’t take things the way I mean them, and seem to put completely ‘out there’ (to me)interpretations on them. Once I mentioned to a friend that I found a recipe for hollandaise you make in the blender. “It has mayo, doesn’t it.” she said. No, no mayo. We discussed it a bit and later she mentioned the argument we’d had about the hollandaise. What argument? See. How do I not see things others see?

I used to think I was scatter-brained, or just plain dense, or that something was wrong with me, but I was just too stupid to know what it was. I guess it’s good to have a possible explanation for it. Like everything in my life, too little, too late.

I’m tired, and out-of-sorts, and just needed to whine, dear readers. Hmmm. Do I actually have any dear readers? Ah, well.

>CFS Article

>From the fabulous io9.com

http://io9.com/5620032/further-proof-that-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-is-linked-to-viruses

Whatever it’s linked to, I wish they’d find a fix. I am soooo sick of being sick.

Stopped raining, but still cool. Loving it. Actually cooked today. Made pizza with mozzarella, fresh basil, olive oil, and home-grown tomatoes from my friend Ed’s garden. Then I made brownies from a mix and added a cream cheese layer. All very yummy. Yay, me.

>Food as Medicine

>Seriously. People who are ill are always looking for ways to feel/get better. Other people take advantage of that, surprise, surprise. Found an article about food as medicine. Here’s a section from this:

http://www.forbes.com/global/2010/0607/issues-probiotics-vitamins-supplements-snake-oil-in-snacks_print.html

“Even clinical-trial failures can make great marketing copy. POM Wonderful, the privately held Los Angeles maker of pricey pomegranate juice ($5 a pint), has spent $32 million funding scientific studies, including trials in 2,500 patients. “We’ve tried to bring modern science to bear on this ancient fruit,” says POM President Matthew Tupper. “We’re not aware of any other beverage supplement that has the same level of clinical research behind it.”

In fact, there’s not a single definitive result among studies listed on POM’s website. The biggest experiment, with 289 patients, used ultrasound on the neck to test whether drinking pomegranate juice reduced hardening of the arteries in heart patients. It found “no significant difference.” (The authors hypothesized that the juice may have helped sicker patients.) Other trials in prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction are more preliminary.

In February the FDA warned POM it was marketing its juice as an unapproved drug and demanded it tone down its sales pitch. The FDA cited all sorts of glowing testimonials on its site, including how the juice saved the life of a cancer patient, made mysterious lumps disappear and helped treat a heart-valve infection. POM says it’s negotiating with the FDA.

Plant sterols derived from nuts and grains are one of the few food additives with a proved health claim. They can lower cholesterol by up to 10%, human trials have found. Cardiology guidelines recommend them. Brands containing sterols include Promise Activ butter substitute (Unilever), Minute Maid Heart Health Orange Juice (Coca-Cola) and Smart Balance Peanut Butter (GFA Brands).

But sterols have never been proved to avert heart disease. “I don’t think anyone knows if they prevent heart attacks,” says Cleveland Clinic cardiologist Steven Nissen. “There are basic scientists who are worried they don’t.” Some preliminary data suggest that sterols might harm arteries. In 2006 a small Finnish human study published in Atherosclerosis found that sterols keep arteries from relaxing, which indicates worsened blood vessel function. In a 2008 study in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology, mice that were fed plant sterols suffered more-severe strokes. The researchers also found evidence that sterols collected in the blood vessel walls of human patients–just like cholesterol. Douglas Balentine, the head of nutrition at Unilever, says the animals in the studies were given massive doses that aren’t relevant to humans.

In the wake of these studies preventive cardiologists at the University of Wisconsin Hospital stopped recommending foods with sterols, says James Stein, UW’s head of preventive cardiology. “I don’t think a margarine should be considered a health food,” he says. For patients who want a cholesterol-lowering margarine, he says, Johnson & Johnson’s Benecol is a better choice because it contains plant stanols, which also block cholesterol but aren’t absorbed into the body.

Vitamins have been getting great p.r. ever since host Buffalo Bob Smith crowed on the U.S. TV show Howdy Doody, “Wonder Bread builds strong bodies eight ways,” in the 1950s. The latest fad: lacing sugar water with vitamins and positioning it as a health drink. The concept was dreamed up by entrepreneur and health nut Darius Bikoff, who started selling Vitaminwater in 1996 and sold the brand to Coke in 2001 for $4.1 billion. Pepsi and other beverage companies sell competing versions.

Nutritionists declare that there is no benefit to getting more than your recommended daily allowance of vitamins. “If you ingest what you need, that’s fine–and that’s it,” says Hans Verhagen, head of nutrition research at the Netherlands’ National Institute for Public Health & the Environment. Westerners get enough of most vitamins, he says.

Excess vitamins can be dangerous. Supplement guru Gary Null claims he became severely ill after ingesting his own supplement that contained 1,000 times as much vitamin D as it was supposed to. He blames a contract manufacturer and is suing them.

But smaller doses may do harm, too. A 2007 Journal of the American Medical Association study pooled 68 trials of 232,000 patients and observed a 5% higher death rate among people who took high doses of beta-carotene, vitamin E or vitamin A. A 1999 study of 9,500 patients found that taking 400 international units of vitamin E daily raised the risk of heart failure by 13%. Swallowing enough fortified waters, snack bars and breads could edge consumers toward the upper limits for vitamins set by the U.S.’ National Institutes of Health, worries Marion L. Neuhouser, a diet researcher at Seattle’s Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center.

Water plus sugar plus questionable doses of vitamins. What’s Coke’s explanation? It says that Vitaminwater has less sugar than soda and that vitamins’ role in health “has been thoroughly documented.” It says the doses it uses are safe.

Web ads for FRS healthy energy boast the steely face of cyclist Lance Armstrong with the caption “Tired of being tired?” The liquid concentrate contains quercetin, a chemical derived from the skins of berries and grapes. The ads claim quercetin is “the only antioxidant clinically proven to boost energy.”

This bold promise is based on science done in animals and cells, along with some small human trials. One study of 11 elite cyclists found that those who took quercetin for six months were able to complete a time trial 3.1% faster than before, though the difference compared with a placebo was not significant.

Some scientists say quercetin holds promise for fighting fatigue and even infection. “The science is far beyond almost all of the other nutritional supplements on the market,” says University of South Carolina professor Mark Davis, who has consulted for the FRS Company.

But last year researchers at the University of Georgia found no benefit from the supplement in 30 healthy volunteers tested on seven different performance measures. (The study was funded by Coca-Cola, which apparently was thinking of launching its own quercetin supplement.) Lead researcher Kirk Cureton has tested 60 more patients since then, with the same null result. He says there is little evidence backing other popular energy additives, including the amino acid taurine in Red Bull. The exception: caffeine.

“It’s the marketing folks within these companies that make these decisions, not scientists,” says Cureton. “When the marketing people decide what they want to say, they go try and find some evidence to back it up.” FRS says the science behind its supplement is “unassailable.”

Emerging basic research suggests that imbalances in good gut bacteria may be involved in obesity, diabetes and other ills. Yogurt companies aren’t waiting for definitive answers. They’re touting all sorts of health benefits to their probiotic yogurts right now.

Danone’s Activia ($2 billion in annual sales) contains special bacteria that concentrate in the intestines and, in some studies, decrease the time it takes for food to move through the digestive system. Danone can’t claim it treats constipation, but it devised ingenious television ads in which actress Jamie Lee Curtis talks about “digestive issues.” “I’ve just discovered a yogurt that can help,” she says in one. An animation–just like the ones in drug ads–shows the good bacteria working in a woman’s belly.

Some human trials of other probiotics show they modestly reduce the incidence or severity of diarrhea in young kids. But it depends on which strain you eat. A 201-patient Israeli study from 2005 showed that two strains, Bifidobacterium lactis and Lactobacillus reuteri, reduced diarrhea in infants. But reuteri was far more effective. “Think about probiotics how you think about antibiotics,” says Michael Cabana, the chief of pediatrics at UC, San Francisco. Probiotics are “not interchangeable.” But food companies aren’t required to say how much of which strains are in their yogurts, and many don’t.

Researchers once blithely assumed that any amount of probiotics was safe. Dutch researchers definitively disproved this in 2008 when they administered massive doses of good bacteria to the intestines of severe pancreatitis sufferers. Patients who got the good bacteria were more likely to die, according to results published in The Lancet.

Everyone knows that omega-3 fatty acids can protect the heart. Less well known: Not all omega-3 fatty acids are created equal.

Most big studies confirming the cardiovascular benefits of omega-3s have tested either docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), an omega-3 found in salmon, sardines and breast milk, or another fish oil called eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA). But many foods that brag about being “an excellent source” of omega-3 fatty acids instead contain alpha-linolenic acid (ala), derived from nuts and flaxseeds. Because only a small percentage of ala is converted into EPA and DHA inside the body, it may not have the same heart benefits, cardiologists say. Kellogg’s GoLean Honey Almond Flax cereal says it contains 500mg of omega-3, but it’s all ala. If you want omega-3s for your heart, read the fine print and look for products with EPA or DHA. Kashi says people don’t get enough omega-3 and that it makes no specific health claims.”

>It’s Hot

>Did I say it’s HOT?

I know, I’ve been quiet for awhile. It’s hot, I’ve been alone most of the time, and I get used to not communicating. Also, I’ve been alone most of the time, so there really isn’t a lot going on to blog about. Been doing okay with the illness. Still having the up all day and all night, sleep all day and all night thing off and on. Not much I can do about it. I’ve been kind of bummed, too. Being alone all the time does that, I guess.

I did manage to go through all of my music and video files and do a good clear out of duplicates and things I ask myself, “Why am I saving this?”. Backed them all up to sticks, too, as well as the usual Mozy backup. I am going to see if I can put my vids on DVD to watch on tv. I assume I can do that, but haven’t ever tried it. Research time, it seems.

Here’s an extended video of “Where in the World is Matt?”, from today’s Astronomy of the Day picture. I like this vid.

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/

>Cooking

>Discussing Tastespotting.com with my friend Tess awhile ago, I sort of figured out why I don’t cook anymore. Besides the energy each individual step takes, I have to think about each individual step…focus on each step. All the things I used to just do automatically are now individual obstacles to overcome on the way to the completed dish. Getting out each pan/utensil/ingredient. Prepping each pan/ingredient. Washing each veg, peeling each veg, chopping/slicing each veg, getting out the oil, putting the oil in the pan, turning on the burner/oven, remembering to turn OFF the burner/oven. Each step takes energy, thought, focus, concentration, dealing with pain caused by standing, chopping, whatever. Having to take rest breaks in the middle of chopping or stirring or whatever. All the things we take for granted and just DO when we are healthy become monumental hurdles to overcome. Even making toast requires remembering to take the toast out of the toaster when it is ready and not just sitting down at the computer and finding cold toast or tea or whatever next time you go into the kitchen for a drink of water. I eat a lot of yogurt and cereal and frozen dinners.

>Summer

>It’s 90 degrees with a dewpoint of 72. I think that qualifies as summer. OH, how I love my central air.

Had a nice Saturday. When to a friend’s house to hang out and another friend I haven’t seen in quite a long time was there. Lovely afternoon with lots of chatting. Chatting is good. My friend is buying a house near New Bedford, Mass. Her husband just retired after being a teacher and administrator for a long time. I think he’s going to work at Home Depot now. We both love tools and gizmos. He got a gift certificate from there as a retirement gift and bought a portable table saw thingy. I am so jealous. LOL I tease him that if he actually got a job there it would be like when I worked in a greenhouse. I never saw my pay because by the time payday rolled around, I’d already spent the money on plants and pots and other gardening items. I even got a raise and didn’t notice til my boss mentioned it one day. LOLOL

I am getting lots of fruit and veg today. Have plans to make summer dishes like four bean salad and hummus. Usually what happens when I get lots of ‘ingredients’ is that I have a flare and don’t have the ability to actually use them. I’m hoping that won’t happen this time.

Does anybody still watch tv? I have gotten so bored with it, and so tired of all the commercials, that even if it’s a program I like, I more often than not will just turn it off at the first commercial break. Too much wasted time maybe? Although I don’t have a problem wasting time on the computer, but then what I see/do/read is my choice, not the networks. Geez, I am rubbish at punctuation. There’s not many programs left that I really like, anyway. Eureka is one I do enjoy. Oh, and The Big Bang Theory. I love that show. And Chuck.

Anybody out there? Anyone? No? Well, I started this blog sort of for myself, so if no one else reads it, I guess it really doesn’t matter. I at least have a place to look back and see how I was doing at different points in the past. Worse, better, the same? I do notice trends, or cycles. Things are bad with the illness, things are better. I am depressed, I am not. Everything changes, which is a good thing to accept in life. I think it’s the most important part of Buddhism, to not be attached to things being a certain way. That is the cause of much unhappiness and dissatisfaction. What is, is, and tomorrow what is will be something else. Or, as my latest favorite quote says, “Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it.” Oh, yeah.

>Ho Hum

>I’ve been awake all night. I slept last night (Sunday night), but was up all night the night before. This is a very strange illness. Loss of muscle strength, complete exhaustion, pain, and inability to sleep. Pills help, then they don’t. Wait a week, a month, a year, and that particular medicine MAY work again. Or not. Could somebody please just fix me? I’ve had this since 1997, and it got old after the first five minutes. LOL Oh. I forgot the mention the memory loss, the brain fog, the inability to process information in a timely fashion. Sometimes I have to read things several times, on several different days, before I understand what I’m reading. Sometimes I don’t remember what you said seconds after you said it. Makes life interesting. Oh, well. It’s a beautiful day. The gray is finally gone. No more rain for awhile, I think. I like rain. It’s nice to have sunshine now and then however. So. Should I try to sleep, try to stay awake all day, sit here and stare at the wall for awhile? I’ve stayed awake (NOT by choice) for up to three days, and still needed to take medication to sleep. Oh, I think I’m grouchy. Later, readers.