>A light bulb moment. While lying awake all night last night, feeling sorry for myself, in pain, thinking about my life…realization came upon me. When I have a good day, sometimes I go out shopping with a friend. I can buy material, sewing notions, scissors, all the things you need to create something. I can buy lovely fruits and vegetables, meat, whatever. A part of my brain still thinks I am living that old life, and it kicks in on those days. Then, I’m home. Just me. And I cannot do the steps required to make something with that material. I cannot do the steps required to get an actual meal on the table with that food.

My ‘good day’ brain is making my real life brain want to attempt things it knows are not possible. Even on a ‘good’ day, I have trouble getting food on the table. I need to seriously rethink what I need to do, what I need to have, how I need to live in the confines of this illness. I can’t buy a pound of chili powder from the spice shop and expect to use it in my lifetime, let alone in a few months like in that other pre-illness life. I cooked with chili powder a lot. We liked it. I like it. But I don’t need it in quantity anymore.

Trying to make sense of it, and recognizing that there is still a part of me that hasn’t moved on from that other life. It needs to. I need to. I am not that person anymore, and I never will be again. I will never have that life again. Deal with it.

What do I really need? A bed, bedding, a table for a lamp and a book, a place for my clothes. A chair to relax in, a table to eat at, a place for my computer and my desk. A few dishes, a couple of pots and pans, some silverware. Do I need a roasting pan, all those baking dishes, a shelf full of glasses? I’m going to work on this and see where it gets me. Will my life be easier? We’ll have to wait and see.

3 thoughts on “>Eureka!!

  1. >We have lots of pots and pans and the like…ok, mainly plastic containers…that we’ll never use. What’s up with that?Chili powder. Yum. I put crushed red peppers on nearly everything I eat. *L*

  2. Isn’t it amazing when you have one of those AHA moments, when you see things for what they really are? I live for those moments. I think they are our moments of growth, of extending ourselves beyond the confines of whatever is holding us back, like illness or our past. I took sometime to read up on chronic fatigue syndrome, the video link from another blog didn’t work I need the blog owner’s permission to view it. How does the Fibrio fit in there?

  3. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia are kind of two sides of the same coin, according to my first rheumatologist. Fibro has more pain, CFS has more fatigue. I started with fatigue, but after several years the pain did a serious take-over. It is the most difficult thing I’ve dealt with in my life, because I don’t know from one day to the next, sometimes even one hour to the next, what I am going to be capable of doing, how I am going to feel. I tend to live in the moment as much as possible, which I also learned from reading a lot about Zen Buddhism. Be here now, as Jon Kabat-Zinn titled his lovely book. Planning ahead never works. I do my best to not focus on being ill, and do what I can when I can, have as much fun as is possible, and just get on with it. Doesn’t always work, but more often than not. Long answer. Oops.

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