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About excentric

I love sci-fi, music, reading, gardening. I am ill, but I am not my illness. Life is good. BTW, have I mentioned that I am a fan girl. Because I Am A FanGirl. Torchwood!

>Just Thinking

>This is a beautiful picture from my favorite Korean tv show, Winter Sonata. It was shown on AZN tv with subtitles, a real bonus since I speak no Korean. I came across it while surfing channels, and before I knew it, I was hooked by the music and then by the story itself. It did seem that everyone was always crying, and always wearing their coats, but it was winter, so……. I liked it so much I bought the DVD set on Amazon. Guilty pleasure, I think.

Haven’t felt much like blogging lately. Been struggling with sleep issues again, and ever since I did the very short walk in the park a few weeks ago, my legs have been really painful and twitchy and uncomfortable. But I still think it was worth it. Being out, being in the park I seldom get to go to, spending time with my friend and the lovely little West Highland Terrier Misty. It was a good day. I even took some pictures of a tree top and some bark as well as the puppy.

I did cook yesterday, and the day before I had those fresh steam-in-bag veggies with ham. Those veggies are very nice. It takes more energy than I can spare to peel carrots and wash and cut up broccoli, or any veg for that matter, so having them ready to go in a bag you just nuke for a few minutes is a very good thing. I think you can just use them raw, too, for dipping or whatever, but I decided to go with the steaming.

I am trying, trying, to get organized. I did get the kitchen pretty well done finally, but now I have about four days worth of dishes waiting to be washed. I have to move a cart on wheels to get to the dishwasher, and there are too many to do by hand except in batches, which is how I got into this mess in the first place. Those darn dishes. Eating only finger foods would be nice, but boring.

I am stating here for all to see that I am going to follow a schedule. Take my pills at 11pm and set the alarm for 9am. And GET UP at nine, even if I didn’t sleep. Not sure how this will work, cause if I don’t sleep enough, I am pretty non-functional the next day, but I really want to have a normal sleep-wake pattern and I’ve tried everything else I can think of.

I had a compliment (I think) the other day. My homemaker came in from shopping and picking up a prescription for me, and as she came in the door she said, “You’re 64!”. “I will be next month”, I said. “I thought you were no more than 55”, she said, “but I just figured out your age”. Gee, I filmed myself for a couple of minutes with my new dinosaur webcam the other day, and I think I look like I’m 90. Or maybe I just feel like I’m 90. Being ill takes it out of you and ages you.

I read somewhere that I should have a post about myself, and a way for readers to contact me if I want to be a successful blogger. Thinking about it. That’s all for now.

>It’s Time

> I like clock-changing time in the autumn. Get up, change clock, it’s an hour earlier. But now, in spring, I change them before bed. It’s a really hard adjustment either way for people with illness-related sleep problems. I’ve tried all sorts of adjustments, none of which work even a little bit. Oh, well.

It’s been a lovely week, weather-wise. Rainy some days, but not too cold and very pleasant to be outside. Went out a little Tuesday and Friday afternoon. I really would like to get out more, but it’s hard to motivate myself when I don’t have enough energy to get dressed. *smile* I got some books from the library, too. Real books. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been to the library, and it was a lovely feeling to bring home a handful of books. I do like to read, and I’ve read all of my own books so many times I can probably read them with my eyes closed.

I was watching Torchwood earlier and started feeling achy. Thought to self, “I must be coming down with something. Rats.” Then remembered that I feel like that every day. Torchwood can make you forget. It’s a good thing.

I also got a little cute webcam yesterday. It looks like a dinosaur. I wasn’t going to ever get one, but…..Anyway, cammed the cats to a friend last night, and today just turned it on myself, for myself, not broadcast. Oh, pretty depressing. I look so old, and fat, and sad. I’m not sad, generally, but old and fat? There’s just no getting around it. That does make me sad. Guess I’ll take my old, fat, sad self to bed. It’s an hour later than it is, at least until 2 am. Happy spring, everyone.

>It’s Leap Day

> An artificial construct to make an artificial time-line sync with itself. And it’s COLD outside. 20 degrees. Went across street to convenience store for some milk and wine since it’s supposed to snow later. Going to make bread pudding, so need more milk. Going to drink wine, so needed wine. A nice and cheap Chardonnay.

I had a good day today. And yesterday, although by last evening I was in a lot of pain and completely, totally exhausted. But fine today. Had a nap this afternoon, which helped. Simon sat on me throughout the nap, which made for a nice and warm nap.

I mentioned my Green Mountain delivery. It came packed in brown paper, which was cut throughout. I put the box by the cat’s platform and Simon pulled out a piece and proceeded to stretch it with his teeth and made a little nest. Then this morning, when I got up, brown paper and the white paper which was also included, were all over the living room. NOT torn up, thank you very much cats, just all over. They must have had fun while I slept. Sometimes when I get up, there are clumps of cat hair all over the rug. What were they doing? So long as they don’t wake me up, I don’t really care.

Happy Leap Day, everyone.

>It’s still not spring yet

>
But it will be, sooner or later. We had rain today, and most of the leftover snow is gone. I am feeling very non-productive. I have things that have a deadline that I haven’t even begun to work on. And the deadline is before the end of the week.

Cannot seem to get myself together. Yesterday I was up til 5am messing about on the old pc. So today I got up at noon. My coffee stuff came from Green Mountain, so I called a friend to come over and see my prezzy. I got a little something for her, too, so it was worth the trip. I hope.

I got a new grinder, among other things. My old one is thirty years old. Still works, but I’m going to reserve it for spices, which I don’t grind that often, so it should last a few more years. Part of it disintegrated several years ago, but it still grinds.

Been having a lot of walking problems lately. Really hurts a few hours after I’ve walked, and the walking itself is kind of wobbly. Good thing I don’t have to go out much. Yesterday we went to Walmart (yes, I know, I hate it, too, but I’m poor) and Christmas Tree Shop where I bought nothing. Hooray for me. On the other hand, I stocked up on some things at Walmart, so money was still spent.

I finally got the room plan worked out, but now I will need a new table or computer desk or something similar. I think I’ll check out Freecycle. Off to find some food. Oh, and my new homemaker volunteered to move furniture for me. For free.

>It’s Not Spring Yet

>

It’s only 25 degrees out. Darn chilly, if you ask me. Had a pretty good day. Talked to a friend in Florida, had another friend over for coffee and on-line games, and did a small amount of rearranging in the kitchen. Wanted to do more, but got tired. Yesterday, I slept til 2pm, and for the several days before that, I was just in pain and did nothing but lay around or play on the computer. I’m going to try to get some more done before tv time later. Tonight it’s Mythbuster’s McGuyver episode. RDA I miss SG1.

>Thoughts

>
I am needing to declutter badly. I rarely cook, yet I have all the pots and pans and roasters and gizmos that I had when I did cook. I don’t want to let them go, because I may need to cook a roast or something some day. Right? It occurred to me that I don’t want to let them go because if I do, it means I will never need to cook a roast again, or do anything to feed anyone else. It means that part of my life is truly over. I’m not sure I’m ready to accept that yet. Having a debilitating illness involves so much accepting of things you cannot change, when is the one that does you in finally? You’ve accepted so many limitations, and life changes, and losses, already. Is giving away a roasting pan the final straw that means your life really is over?

I want to live again. I want my life back. I want to be that person who had a wonderful job and had fun and was enthusiastic about things, instead of this person whose main goal in life is just to get through today. Just survive today without giving in to the pain, giving in to the fatigue, giving up on any semblance of anything but existance. I want to keep trying, keep fighting, but some times it is just so hard, and feels so futile. Do I have learned helplessness, or am I really helpless, in the sense that I can’t help myself do the things I want/need to do, things that would make my life cheerier and less stressful?

After this past 14 months, the worst since I became ill, I am living in a cluttered, disorganized mess. I don’t even open my mail, sometimes for days or even longer. What does it matter? What does anything I do or don’t do matter? I am not happy about feeling this way. I am not wallowing. I am just frustrated at my inability to get done those things I want to get done. I know how I want things to be, I am just physically unable to get them there. It wears you down. It makes you sad. I don’t like feeling sad. I need to find something positive to focus on, and move on. Can I?

> It’s been an interesting several days. I’ve decided to give up on the sleeping pill after reading a new insert that came with my latest renewal. One of the possible side effects is goodbye to the liver. Soooo. Thursday, I was up all night. Slept about 4 hours Friday afternoon. Slept some Saturday, took a pill Saturday night because I wanted to be awake to go to a friend’s on Sunday. Got up at 11 am on Sunday, and was awake til 4am Tuesday morning. Slept 14 hours once I did get to sleep, and got up at 6pm tonight. It sure makes life interesting, this. I do feel somewhat clearer-headed without the pill, so that’s all right. I’m going to be interested to see if I can hold out, and will my sleep schedule normalize if I can. I’ll keep all of you invisible, uncommunicative, possibly nonexistant readers updated.

>January 31st

> Something strange happened to my computer last night. I went to look for a picture, and they were mostly gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found. Then it froze up and I couldn’t get past the ‘Your Active Desktop just committed Hari Kari’ page, even after restarting a few times. Shut her down, then this am when I fired her up she worked. But pictures still missing. So reinstalled backups, but didn’t have my latest pics backed up yet. Oh, well.

Then this afternoon my friend Tess and I were playing games and one of THEM was missing. Just gone. What’s that about? I loooove technology. HA!

>Shopping

>
Finally had a decent day. Not foggy or sleepy or exhausted. Friend came over, we played Luxor and went to Walmart where I stocked up on the food my cats like. The more expensive brand, of course, but it doesn’t smell terrible and is made from real food. Not too cold today, either, but gray and looks like a storm is coming.

Hoping to have some energy tomorrow to get some of this mess cleared up. My new good homemaker is coming Thursday. The old one cancelled for the third week in a row, and I specifically asked for this one as she has done a good job when filling in. So I am happy.

Got my book in the mail. It’s a cancer book, but someone said it helped with their CFIDS/FM and it was only five dollars, so I bought it. Holistic therapies and nutrition information. Hope it has some good info that really works.

>Another update

>
Looking back over my posts, I realize I didn’t mention my Christmas. It was excellent. I spent the day at my friends’ house, had my favorite meal for dinner (steak on the grill) and relaxed and chatted and laughed and had a wonderful time. I also did NOT take the bus to the store that day I mentioned it.

>Blog Update

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I decided to fancy up my blog by adding the links to blogs I read on a regular basis. I do like to read, and they are a varied lot. Bad grammar? I think my favorite is A Year At Oak Cottage, because the pictures are beautiful and the writing is very, very descriptive and lyrical and lovely. So if anyone else actually does read this, I hope you will check some of the blogs out.

We are in for a huge snowstorm, it seems. Although December was supposedly the snowiest month on record for the Boston area, it seems like it hardly snowed at all here. I bought new ice grippers for my shoes from RevelSports.com in Wisconsin. Last thing I need is to fall and break something. So maybe I will actually get to use them, along with my beautiful Sorel boots I bought when I was working. It’s not supposed to start snowing til midnight, and I can hardly wait. I love watching the snow fall.

>A video for you

>This is what I have. The video at the bottom of this post really gives a feel for what it’s like to have this illness. I found it on Catherine Morgan’s blog, “Living With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome”. Here’s the link to her blog. http://livingwithcfs.wordpress.com/

Watching the video makes me feel very sad, because I think I try to push it all to the back of my mind, and just deal as best I can with the symptoms, rather than thinking of the illness as a whole. Is that denial? When I’m tired, I deal with being tired. When I have pain, I deal with having pain. When I can’t think, I remove myself from the activity that requires it, like reading or writing or answering questions. If you put all the symptoms I have together, and try to deal with them as a whole, it is too overwhelming and depressing. So I live in the moment, literally. I don’t think or plan ahead at all, because how can I know until the moment if I will be able to do whatever it is I thought about/planned to do.

It’s very isolating, also, because I can’t think when I’m tired, and if I try to go out on my own, I sometimes can’t think how to get back home. I get on the wrong bus, I can’t find the number of the taxi, I can’t think what to do or where to go. It’s easier to stay home. I’ve had some really difficult experiences with getting home, times the service that was supposed to pick me up didn’t, leaving me standing in the freezing cold and snow for hours without energy to find a phone or think of a solution. I’ve gotten on what I thought was the right bus, only to have it take me for an extended ride and me wondering how/if I’m ever going to get home. Once the bus driver made me get off in a snowstorm to wait for a different bus, after he’d told me his was the one that went to my stop. Things like this can take weeks to recover from.

Of course, the thinking difficulty can lead to other problems, too, like running out of groceries if I forget to plan for the times my homemaker just doesn’t show up, or where to put the laundry she did when the dryers in the laundry room don’t work because nobody collected the coins from them, or how to do the laundry at all when the washers don’t work for the same reason. It does make life interesting, if challenging.

Anyway, I hope you watch the video. It’s about 10 minutes long, and can really help you understand what someone with this illness goes through.

>New Year’s Day Afternoon

>
Really hoping for a better year this time around. 2007 was the worst year since I first got sick with fibro. I had one six-week period where all I did was sleep, and the ‘good’ days were few and far between. It’s been hard. My homemaker service has been horrible this year as well, with no one coming at least 70% of the time, and they’re only here for two hours once a week anyway. So I am horribly disorganized and cluttered and messy and all those things that make life that much more difficult.

I really need to figure out a better way of dealing with chronic, debilitating illness. No car, living alone, isolated. It’s depressing as well as difficult. Right now I am out of almost everything, grocery-wise, and I am planning on having enough energy tomorrow to take the bus to the stop and shop. Haven’t shopped alone in a few years. The homemaker does that normally, and sometimes my friend Tess takes me shopping. But she is sick with a cold right now.

Oh, I am just feeling cranky. No milk for three days, so no coffee for three days. How am I surviving this lack of caffeine? Gooood question. But I am determined to make this year better all around. I will succeed. I will succeed.

Update Tuesday evening. I showered, dressed, and walked across the street for half-and-half. Coffee for breakfast! Yes!!!

>And so this is Christmas

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Christmas eve, anyway. It’s a warm spell, and the snow is melting, but there’s enough left to qualify for a white Christmas. Not at all Christmasy this year am I. Didn’t write a card, buy a present, make a cookie, put up a single decoration. But that’s okay. I am happy. Christmas dinner with old and dear friends tomorrow, and having a relaxing day, is the plan. Missing my loved ones, but I do realize that life is what it is, and things are the way they are, and I am okay with that. I hope everyone everywhere has a happy holiday season, and the best new year yet.

>SNOW!!

>
Yes, we’ve had a bit of snow. Both last night and this afternoon. Both times it changed to rain, though, so no accumulation. But how lovely, this afternoon, to look out at big snowflakes slowly drifting down. I love the first snows. They remind me of our first year here in Massachusetts, when a storm began with large, soft flakes, slowly slowly slowly drifting down. For three days. It was amazing. My first truly huge snowstorm. We all went mad for it. When the sidewalks were plowed, the snow was piled head-high. It was February, 1969, and I will never forget standing on our screened-in second floor porch with my husband, watching the snow fall. Soft, hushed, beautiful. It is one of my favorite life-time memories. Snow.

>New England

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Ah, yes. New England. Yesterday it warmed up. Had the windows open all night and most of today. It was in the sixties when I went to bed last night. Supposed to be in the 20s tonight. Interesting weather we’re having? Yes, it is. But lovely. Just having the windows open this late in the season is a treat. I like all of New England’s weather, except for the stickies in the summer, and I have air-conditioning, which makes it semi-bearable. But only semi. The climate seems to be changing rather quickly, so I’m really curious to see what the winter is going to be like. I’ll keep you posted.

>Feeling better

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Finally. Coincidentally, today is my friend’s birthday, and when she heard I was feeling better, she invited me over for dinner. Lovely. We had roasted chicken, stuffing, baked potato, and asparagus. Apple pie with ice cream for dessert. Tea. Played a new game on her pc while her hubbies watched football. Very nice afternoon, and so fantastic to feel relatively functional again. Hope it lasts for a while.

>Cold

>In more ways than one. It’s cold outside, and it’s cold inside, and I think I have a cold. Or a really bad allergy attack going on. Whatever. I feel totally crappy for the umpteenth day in a row. Hmmm. The cup in that woman’s hand makes me think of tea. I’m going to go make myself a cup, since Simon will NOT ever do it for me. Doesn’t he get that I’m the one who feeds him and cleans out his litter box? A little reciprocation would be nice, kitty.

>Winter…

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I think. It snowed a bit today, but didn’t stick. Turned to rain instead. I made a serious error in trying to keep out the cold. Put up mylar curtain panels in the windows, which worked beautifully keeping it warmer, but I couldn’t see out. By the second day, I was seriously depressed and non-functioning. So today I took them down (put them up Friday and it’s Tuesday.) Felt better almost immediately. Amazing. Light is important. Connection to the outdoors is important. Learn something new every day, don’t I!  That’s not my window, btw.  It’s just a picture I found.  My windows ALL face North.  No sun.