Author Archives: excentric

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About excentric

I love sci-fi, music, reading, gardening. I am ill, but I am not my illness. Life is good. BTW, have I mentioned that I am a fan girl. Because I Am A FanGirl. Torchwood!

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>If you read them, you know that my friend Jukka wasn’t lost after all, and that my cable company is kind of creepy. Like how did they know I have a blog, and how did they know I posted about them. Nice people, it seems, but still………..

Added another vid in place of ‘Eleanor’, because I could.

I am tired today. I have not been sleeping well for awhile (for ‘awhile’ read ‘ever’) and not taking knock-out pills that don’t work anyway. I am not sleepy, but I have the ‘fatigue’ that comes with ‘chronic fatigue syndrome’. I’ve been lowering my Zoloft over several months, and more of the old when-I-first-got-sick symptoms seem to be getting stronger, but others are lessening. Interesting. I know if I get the dose too low I will be in constant pain. This happened before. I keep trying to get off the meds, but it apparently can’t happen without being even more incapacitated than I already am. The joys of illness, people, are greatly over-rated.

It snowed night before last, melted yesterday, snowed again last night, and there is a bit left here and there. Strange winter here in New England. Whether we are causing global warming or it’s happening naturally, something is definitely going on. Doesn’t it make sense to do what we can to not contribute, even if it is a natural occurrence?

Who watches LOST? It is getting really interesting again, after so long with me just wondering if the writers had a clue what they were doing, and was it ever going to just be over. Guess the answer to both is ‘yes’. No whiny Jack and annoying Kate this time was a good thing, too, although I’m kind of liking Jack more now. I was happy with AU Locke, too, coming to terms with his disability and being happy. Man, is Terry O’Quinn a good actor. He just dominates the screen whenever he is in a scene.

Time for lunch. Leftover pizza, one of my favs. Think I will watch a movie. “Into The Wild” is next in my netflix pile. Last one was “Lars and the Real Girl”, totally not what I thought it was going to be, strangely though-provoking, and really, just weird. I liked it, but I didn’t love it. It was interesting, and the video extras were pretty darn funny. The end. *grin*

>Two Things

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>One: I seem to have lost my friend Jukka, and I don’t know why. This makes me sad.

Two: I lost my internet connection several days ago. After trying everything I ever heard of to fix it, I got on the phone with Comcast and a nice tech tried to help with no success. Decided to do a clean install………oooo, scary, right? Not! It was very easy, much more so than I had been led to believe by what I read. Anyway, didn’t help. Back on the phone next day with Comcast where a lovely tech named Hugo worked with me for several hours. It developed that it was not a Comcast problem but man is Hugo ever a geek so he keep on trying to figure out the problem. We tried everything, but after we figured out a driver was missing (where did it go, people? I ask you.) we tried every driver on the disc and none were correct. By then, I was telling Hugo for the third time that he really needed to get back to his job. He did not want to quit, but I insisted. I love Hugo. Yes, yes I do. Anyway, he had pointed me in the right direction and I finally found the file on the Dell site after much messing about on there. So I am back with a ‘new’ computer, and have been re-installing my security software, winamp, vlc, and my fav Firefox extensions. I am one happy lady.

>Another Meme

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Your rainbow is intensely shaded blue, orange, and green.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What is says about you: You are a strong person. You appreciate friends who get along with one another. You share hobbies with friends and like trying to fit into their routines. Those around you admire your fresh outlook and vitality.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

>Interesting?

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>Well, I think it is…..interesting that all I have to do is write about being depressed, and the depression gets better. Even if no one ever reads this, the act of putting my feelings on paper seems to make a big difference for me. It’s a good thing.

>Update On A Book Rec, Illness

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>Quite awhile ago I posted about this book: “Animals in Translation” by Temple Grandin. I just read that HBO has a movie about her. I don’t get HBO, but I look forward to seeing the movie when it gets to Netflix. It was a very interesting book. Here’s a link to the post:

http://strangelypeculiar.blogspot.com/2009/01/recovery-day.html

Now to illness. Good old illness. It’s always there, it never goes away. My pills all quit working so I am just doing the sleep when I can thing. Up all night and then sleep till 3pm yesterday, 2:30pm today. But I feel better. Hmmm. Allergies better today, too, but still taking allergy pill.

Sometimes it gets really hard to cope with all of this. My life is about what I can’t do, which is not what I want for myself. I never wanted my illness to be my identity, so I try to keep an interest in other things besides being sick. Politics, religion, humor. But I realize that the inner ever-present anger comes out pretty strongly at times. It’s been that way recently, I know. I’m angry at the world, at the politicians, at religious leaders who use religion to discriminate and even worse. But at heart, what I am really angry at is life. MY life. After my husband left, and I got over that hurdle, my life had such promise. That job I loved, going to the gym, signed up for classes at the local college. There was so much ahead of me. Then I got sick. With illness came more loss, lots of pain, isolation, loss of dreams and hope.

I was at Border’s the other day with a friend. I used to buy books by the armload when I was working. Before that, I would bring home armloads of books from the library, too. Now, no books. Nothing I want. Nothing that catches my eye. I’m never going to have a garden again, so why buy a gardening book? I rarely cook, so I surely don’t need a new cookbook. I don’t do crafts anymore, so no craft books necessary. I have lost hope. I can’t change anything, I can’t fix anything, I have no power over anything. It hit me in Border’s.

I have lost hope. This is it. This is all my life will ever be. Me, here in this little prison box of an apartment, with my invisible cat. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for, nothing to get excited about. This is depression, people, and I haz it. I did not ask for illness, isolation, loneliness, but I have tried my best to accept and cope with it all. Right now I am not succeeding. There is so much to life, and I am missing most of it. At times like this, I just don’t know how to cope anymore. How to be accepting. How to pull myself up by my bootstraps (bootstraps?) and move on. I just can’t do it right now. I miss my life, my job, my husband, my dreams for the future. But they are all gone and I can never get them back.

>Another Meme

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>Because they’re fun.

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test…

Balanced, Secure, and Realistic.

27 Impressionist, 25 Islamic, 13 Ukiyo-e, -22 Cubist, -25 Abstract and 1 Renaissance!

Impressionism is a movement in French painting, sometimes called optical realism because of its almost scientific interest in the actual visual experience and effect of light and movement on appearance of objects. Impressionist paintings are balanced, use colored shadows, use pure color, broken brushstrokes, thick paint, and scenes from everyday life or nature.

People that like Impressionist paintings may not alway be what is deemed socially acceptable. They tend to move on their own path without always worrying that it may be offensive to others. They value friendships but because they also value honesty tend to have a few really good friends. They do not, however, like people that are rude and do not appreciate the ideas of others. They are secure enough in themselves that they can listen to the ideas of other people without it affecting their own final decisions. The world for them is not black and white but more in shades of grey and muted colors. They like things to be aestically pleasing, not stark and sharp. There are many ways to view things, and the impresssionist personality views the world from many different aspects. They enjoy life and try to keep a realistic viewpoint of things, but are not very open to new experiences. If they are content in their live they will be more than likely pleased to keep things just the way they are.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy

>Hello, February

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>Marching towards spring. More than ten hours of daylight today. I have had a headache for a few days, allergies I think. Very annoying. Been working on the computer, organizing some bookmarks of things I want to read. Fun. Came across this really nice video for wearing seatbelts. Different than the usual type.

Not really up to saying much today, just spring is on the way, people. Hooray.

>Not A Great Day

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>Didn’t sleep well last night due to leg pain, so dozed on couch and watched tv most of the day. I’m going to see if I can renegotiate my cable package to get back the science channel and nat geo. There is nothing on tv during the day worth watching. I did watch Countdown and Rachel Maddow last night where they had clips from the Pres. talking to the Republicans. The man is freaking brilliant. He can call up facts like Clinton, but even better, he just nails them with the half-truths and out-right lies they try to foist on their sheep…er, followers…out in the heartland. Probably none of them watched it, though. Like I won’t watch Bill O’ or Beck or Fox News. One thing about Fox News though, I do like Shepard Smith. He seems to not just spout the party line all the time, at least the few times I’ve caught a bit of his show. I thought he did a really excellent job during the whole 9/11 crises and have checked him out off and on ever since. So one good thing about Fox News. I’ve also met and conversed with Carl Cameron, who I’m not sure is still on Fox. Smart and articulate guy. Who’d a thought I’d have good things to say about Fox News?

It’s winter. It’s cold. I’m grouchy and I am feeling yet again so freaking tired of feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. Can somebody please fix me? Please?

>Holocaust Remembrance Day

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http://www.ushmm.org/museum/exhibit/focus/ihrd/comment_post.php

http://trendsupdates.com/holocaust-guilt-has-never-been-the-same-since/

Whenever I am reminded of this, of Bosnia, of Rwanda, it always makes me think: Those who did these terrible things were people just like me, people with mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers. If they are capable of inflicting such horrors onto others, would I be capable of doing the same in the same circumstances? Would I forget my humanity just as easily as they did? Could I turn into a monster, too? Buddhism teaches ‘right’ living, thinking, working. ‘Right’ meaning in a way that does no harm to oneself or others. (Link below) Would I be able to remember that? Would I be able to live that? These thoughts and ideas scare me. That I could be one of those people who could/would commit such atrocities on my fellow humans. I think that is why it is important to never forget these things happened. Because they can just as easily happen again, and in fact, are happening in various places around the world right now. I am shamed by this, and by my inability to do anything to stop it.

http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/eightfoldpath.html

I see I have lost a follower. Not everyone can agree with my positions, I understand that. I have been angry with the world recently, and it has shown in this blog. Less about being ill, more about political and religious ideas. Rather than ceasing to follow, it would be good if people would comment with their own ideas, whether it is disagreeing with me, agreeing with me, or providing a completely different point of view. I am not close-minded, I am just opinionated. I like hearing other points of view, I like debate, I like learning, even if it means I learn I am wrong. Speak up people. I know you’re out there.

>Resolutions

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I’ve decided to just be completely over politics. It gives me seizures.

Here’s a list by by Frank Lipman that was posted on a blog I just discovered.

Blog:

http://mousemedicine.blogspot.com/

List: 20 New Year Resolutions

1. More Real Food, Less “Food-like Substances”,
2. More Fruit and Vegetables, Less Sugar, Wheat and Corn
3. More Organic, Less Toxic
4. More Chewing, Less Eating
5. More Water, Less Soda
6. More Recycling, Less Waste
7. More Walking, Less Driving
8. More Exercising, Less Watching TV
9. More Outdoors, Less Indoors
10. More Sleep, Less Worry
11. More Calm, Less Chaos
12. More Being, Less Doing
13. More Consciousness, Less Ignorance
14. More Smiles, Less Anger
15. More Love, Less Hatred
16. More Play, Less Serious
17. More Letting Go, Less Holding On
18. More Forgiving, Less Blaming
19. More Generosity, Less Greed
20. More Ubuntu, Less Me!

Ubuntu means what makes us human is the humanity we show each other. It is a Xhosa (South African) word and philosophy emphasizing community, sharing and generosity.

>May I Introduce

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>The new senator from Massachusetts, ladies and gentlemen:

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/scott-brown-nude-in-cosmo

AND a little something of interest here:

>Depression

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>I haz it. Scott Brown won the election. His will be the vote that takes down the dream of his predecessor in the Senate, Ted Kennedy. He wanted the seat to destroy what Kennedy worked so hard for, and not enough of us who support health care reform got out and did their civic duty. This is what always happens. People think it doesn’t make a difference if they vote, but it does. So we will get what we deserve. We didn’t learn from those eight years? Apparently not. I saw an ad that said how close we are to having Washington decide our health care. Who do they think decides it now? Drug companies and HMO’s, that’s who. We are a stupid lot in this country. It’s just too darn bad.

>Voting

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>I posted this in reply to a comment in a group I belong to, and I thought the subject important enough to repost here. Yes, it political, people, but politics really do matter to all of us.

“But if you vote for the independent, it takes votes away from Martha, and Scott wins. Remember this happened when Ralph Nader ran. The election went a way it might not have gone otherwise. Who wins matters. A certain interest group has hijacked the government, mainly because people who don’t share their philosophy don’t get out and vote, and people who do, do. So they got in and look where it took us. Yes, people, I am one of those left-wing liberal tree-huggers, and proud of it. Way back in the early 90’s, PBS did a show about Ralph Reed and his group. He later became a close advisor to Bush the Second. It struck me, watching the show, that A. he was scary, and B. just a little more fanaticism on his part, and he could start a Jihad of his own against those of us who don’t share his views. And in a way, he did. We have devolved into a country where if those of us on one side don’t like what those of us on the other side say, they don’t just disagree with us, they hate us. Now we have Rush and Glenn and Bill O’ spewing hate every day in every way. I personally find this very, very scary. We worry about certain factions of the Muslim faith, but we should also worry about certain factions of the Christian faith, who apparently have no idea or just don’t care what Jesus actually taught. Don’t mean to start something here, but this really matters, people. Really. What kind of America do you want your children to live in?”

>It Was A Sucky Day

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My computer is still acting up and I cannot figure it out. Getting frustrated. Has anyone ever done a re-install? It’s all pretty backed up on MozyHome and XMarks, so I think I could do it, just not sure if it’s wise. I’d want to update the drivers and then just reinstall stuff I know I will really use. Sheldon just did it on The Big Bang Theory, and it took a very long time. Long enough for him to try to learn the Finnish language. I like The Big Bang Theory. I can get on-line without the desktop, but just not sure if I should attempt this or not.

The second sucky thing is the comments made by two complete and total fuck-ups about the horrific earthquake in Haiti. Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh. Two people I would not ever think of listening to, but they do get themselves onto Keith Olbemann and Rachel Maddow, The Daily Show and the Colbert Report, all of which I do check out. Disgraceful comments by two hate-filled right-wing bigots. They make me ashamed.

The last is that a bad thing happened to someone I love, and I am very upset by it and by the fact that there is really nothing I can do to help or make it better. I can just sit here and think evil thoughts about the person who did it. People can be such complete and utter shits. These three really do suck and it really is sad.

>Just Another Sunday

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Computer kept freezing up, no idea why. Finally working now.

New Chuck. Yes! And more tomorrow night. I do like Chuck.

Watching “The Plan” about Galactica. So so, so far.

It is cold. 15 degrees fahrenheit, supposed to get down to 8. Did I move to Siberia and forgot about it?

Finally had a decent night’s sleep last night, and then fell asleep on the couch this afternoon for about two hours. I wish I could get this sleep thing figured out, but after this long, it’s not looking good. How do other people with this illness do it? Anyone?

Spent about an hour rubbing Gertrude’s tummy earlier. She is back to skittish and hiding most of the time, but she curled up next to me while I was reading fan fiction on the netbook, and let me rub her tummy. She really loves that, but is usually just too nervous. Poor thing. Maybe she needs tranquilizers.

That’s about it. It’s freezing cold, dreary, let’s go into hibernation winter. Not much excitment.

>Those Links

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I did a quick scroll back through and listed the ones that still need fixing. Once they’re done, if you ever get curious (for curious read ‘desperate for something to do’) and read back, you’ll see that my life is a roller-coaster. Pain, no pain: I cooked, I can’t cook: the black hole is circling, I feel great; my brain is working, “What was I just talking about?”; sleeping fine, can’t sleep. It’s a never-ending rotation with this illness. It’s kind of good to look back and see that whatever is going on at the moment has more than likely gone on before and will change to something else soon. Not so great if what’s going on is good, eagerly awaiting change if what’s going on is pain and sleeplessness and black hole-circling. Live in the moment is my mantra. It’s the only way to get through it, and I’ve found over time that I’m actually much happier over-all through living in the moment. Much less stress and pressure. Something to keep in mind.

>Fixed

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Thanks to Elizabeth in Ontario, who pointed out the little green icon in the blogger tool bar, I have now fixed several links. “Follows directions well” does NOT belong on my resume. I could have even coded them myself, I can do html coding. Do I feel stupid? Nah. Well, maybe just a little bit.

Yes, I am a bad person, but there is no offense intended to those of you who take homeopatic items. I just think this is funny:

Homeopathy Explained

Last bit: NPH won ‘Gay Man of the Decade’ over John Barrowman. It was to be expected. He has a load of twitter followers, and John…not so many. It was a fun contest, and they both deserve accolades for class and humor. But John should have won.