Trying To Work It Out

I am a verbal person. I work things out in my head by talking about them. It seems to sort my thoughts better, and brings up insights into things I am puzzling over, or brings up things I didn’t even know where hiding in there. But there is really no one to talk to anymore. Everyone I know has their own issues to deal with. Maybe I need therapy again. Anyway, what I’m getting at is I am trying to figure out what is going on right now. I have had several crap days in a row, and I really don’t know why. I wake up every day not wanting to be awake. Not wanting to face my life. Not wanting to be alone yet again. Not wanting to have to accept that I can’t. ‘Can’t’ whatever it is I want to ‘can’. Not buy food only to have it sit there because I can’t prepare it. Not have the bedroom be a total disaster because I can’t get it organized and put things where I want them and try yet again to make the bed something I can actually sleep on.

So I spend the day sleeping, on here, or reading on my Kindle. That world on the kindle is much more interesting than mine. It has people, too. People who care about each other. People who don’t just forget you are alive. I have just totally, completely, crashed, and I don’t know why. I had a good day out, followed by a pain day, and then it’s just been downhill from there.

I will snap myself out of it, sooner or later. I always do. Something inside of me just gets tired of feeling like crap all the time and says, “Enough, already.” Today would be a good day for that. The thing is, around about 11pm, I start to really wake up and have a bit of energy, and want to get up and do stuff, but it’s 11pm, and I don’t want to be noisy, and part of me is saying it’s 11pm, you should be thinking about sleep, not rearranging the bedroom. I’m not even sure I CAN rearrange things. Well, not so much rearrange, as I want to take the mattress off the bed and put the memory foam under it and then replace the mattress, and I don’t know if I can. And it would probably be noisy and disturb my loud-music neighbor, which I don’t want to do.

Wow, this is kind of ‘poor me’ whiny stuff, isn’t it. I do try not to go there, but sometimes you just have to do what you just have to do, right?

What you all are thinking right now:
poor me

Probably should have titled this ‘Depression Post’, but I didn’t think of it til now and I’m not going back up to change it. So there. 🙂

5 thoughts on “Trying To Work It Out

  1. Wish I could pop over and give you a hand with that damn mattress – but I’m half a world away so that’s a bit hard. Maybe don’t worry so much about that neighbour, if she plays such loud music she’s probably deaf as a post anyway and won’t even notice you dragging stuff around. If your body says it’s ready to get active at 11pm… well, it’s not conventional, but night-shift workers do that all the time. Maybe an occasional night-shift won’t hurt?

    PS is your Mac working again?

  2. She’s not deaf as a post, she’s an alcoholic. I just try to NOT be the rude neighbor as much as I can. Am going to the Genius Bar tomorrow. It’s where you go when Apple support can’t help. You need an appointment to speak with a genius, too. In the confirmation email, it suggests I try updating my software, which is indicative of them having a sense of humor, since that’s what borked it in the first place. An update. Very funny, Apple. How arrogant are you to call your in-store tech support ‘The Genius Bar’, anyway. If you were geniuses, the darn thing wouldn’t have borked itself over an update. I have MS products for ten years, and none of them needed any thing done that couldn’t be figured out through googling about it. I think I did call tech support once, but I’m not sure about that. I am not a happy Apple customer. Disappointed R US.

  3. I’m sorry. I’m so caught up in my own shit, that even customers that come in with problems are almost more than I can deal with at times. I do love you and always think about you. I know it’s not the same, though.

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