I am a verbal person. I work things out in my head by talking about them. It seems to sort my thoughts better, and brings up insights into things I am puzzling over, or brings up things I didn’t even know where hiding in there. But there is really no one to talk to anymore. Everyone I know has their own issues to deal with. Maybe I need therapy again. Anyway, what I’m getting at is I am trying to figure out what is going on right now. I have had several crap days in a row, and I really don’t know why. I wake up every day not wanting to be awake. Not wanting to face my life. Not wanting to be alone yet again. Not wanting to have to accept that I can’t. ‘Can’t’ whatever it is I want to ‘can’. Not buy food only to have it sit there because I can’t prepare it. Not have the bedroom be a total disaster because I can’t get it organized and put things where I want them and try yet again to make the bed something I can actually sleep on.
So I spend the day sleeping, on here, or reading on my Kindle. That world on the kindle is much more interesting than mine. It has people, too. People who care about each other. People who don’t just forget you are alive. I have just totally, completely, crashed, and I don’t know why. I had a good day out, followed by a pain day, and then it’s just been downhill from there.
I will snap myself out of it, sooner or later. I always do. Something inside of me just gets tired of feeling like crap all the time and says, “Enough, already.” Today would be a good day for that. The thing is, around about 11pm, I start to really wake up and have a bit of energy, and want to get up and do stuff, but it’s 11pm, and I don’t want to be noisy, and part of me is saying it’s 11pm, you should be thinking about sleep, not rearranging the bedroom. I’m not even sure I CAN rearrange things. Well, not so much rearrange, as I want to take the mattress off the bed and put the memory foam under it and then replace the mattress, and I don’t know if I can. And it would probably be noisy and disturb my loud-music neighbor, which I don’t want to do.
Wow, this is kind of ‘poor me’ whiny stuff, isn’t it. I do try not to go there, but sometimes you just have to do what you just have to do, right?
What you all are thinking right now:
Probably should have titled this ‘Depression Post’, but I didn’t think of it til now and I’m not going back up to change it. So there. 🙂