>It’s been a tough week. I think I said that already. But today, for the first time ever, I asked my homemaker to load the dishwasher and put the laundry on the drying rack. It feels like such a defeat. Like I am such a loser. One more step down the road to being a useless blob on the couch. One more ‘I can’t do that’ moment. It makes me feel very sad.
After my husband left, I would go to the doctor whenever I thought I was sick, because I had to take care of myself. If I lost my independence, I’d be screwed. Then I got really sick and lost my independence. No more job, no more life. Just getting through the pain each day, waiting for a day I had a bit of energy, just waiting. Like living in limbo.
I was talking to a friend about organizing my kitchen. Getting rid of things I no longer use. But if I get rid of some things, it means I’ll never do the job they are meant for again. I will have to acknowledge that that part of my life is gone and I will never get it back.
Okay, I’ve been up all night and I’m tired, and that makes everything seem worse than it is. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between ‘tired’ and ‘depressed’. Today, I think I’m both. I feel beaten. I don’t like it.