> It’s been an interesting several days. I’ve decided to give up on the sleeping pill after reading a new insert that came with my latest renewal. One of the possible side effects is goodbye to the liver. Soooo. Thursday, I was up all night. Slept about 4 hours Friday afternoon. Slept some Saturday, took a pill Saturday night because I wanted to be awake to go to a friend’s on Sunday. Got up at 11 am on Sunday, and was awake til 4am Tuesday morning. Slept 14 hours once I did get to sleep, and got up at 6pm tonight. It sure makes life interesting, this. I do feel somewhat clearer-headed without the pill, so that’s all right. I’m going to be interested to see if I can hold out, and will my sleep schedule normalize if I can. I’ll keep all of you invisible, uncommunicative, possibly nonexistant readers updated.

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Finally had a decent day. Not foggy or sleepy or exhausted. Friend came over, we played Luxor and went to Walmart where I stocked up on the food my cats like. The more expensive brand, of course, but it doesn’t smell terrible and is made from real food. Not too cold today, either, but gray and looks like a storm is coming.

Hoping to have some energy tomorrow to get some of this mess cleared up. My new good homemaker is coming Thursday. The old one cancelled for the third week in a row, and I specifically asked for this one as she has done a good job when filling in. So I am happy.

Got my book in the mail. It’s a cancer book, but someone said it helped with their CFIDS/FM and it was only five dollars, so I bought it. Holistic therapies and nutrition information. Hope it has some good info that really works.

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Really hoping for a better year this time around. 2007 was the worst year since I first got sick with fibro. I had one six-week period where all I did was sleep, and the ‘good’ days were few and far between. It’s been hard. My homemaker service has been horrible this year as well, with no one coming at least 70% of the time, and they’re only here for two hours once a week anyway. So I am horribly disorganized and cluttered and messy and all those things that make life that much more difficult.

I really need to figure out a better way of dealing with chronic, debilitating illness. No car, living alone, isolated. It’s depressing as well as difficult. Right now I am out of almost everything, grocery-wise, and I am planning on having enough energy tomorrow to take the bus to the stop and shop. Haven’t shopped alone in a few years. The homemaker does that normally, and sometimes my friend Tess takes me shopping. But she is sick with a cold right now.

Oh, I am just feeling cranky. No milk for three days, so no coffee for three days. How am I surviving this lack of caffeine? Gooood question. But I am determined to make this year better all around. I will succeed. I will succeed.

Update Tuesday evening. I showered, dressed, and walked across the street for half-and-half. Coffee for breakfast! Yes!!!

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Finally. Coincidentally, today is my friend’s birthday, and when she heard I was feeling better, she invited me over for dinner. Lovely. We had roasted chicken, stuffing, baked potato, and asparagus. Apple pie with ice cream for dessert. Tea. Played a new game on her pc while her hubbies watched football. Very nice afternoon, and so fantastic to feel relatively functional again. Hope it lasts for a while.

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Obviously no one reads this but me, but that’s okay. Today I am kind of unhappy with myself. After four days of sleeping most of the time, one day out shopping with a friend, today I had hoped to actually get something done. So here I sit at the computer. I haven’t read my email for six days, but I’m not even going there yet.

I’m just overwhelmed by the mess, I think. The house isn’t dirty, but it’s cluttered beyond my ability to cope with it. I need to move a bookshelf, but first I have to remove what’s on it, and put it where? Before I can do that, I have to fold the clothes on the chair in front of it and put them away, but there is more stuff in front of the closet door. Before I can move that, I have to……………and on and on. It’s not that I have so much more stuff, it’s just that my organization went out the window the whole first of the year when I was so ill with the fibro, and as I’ve slowly gotten better, just keeping up with the dishes and the normal tidying up is pretty much all I can manage. So things just sit where they are.

I’m not happy about it, and I know I need help, but who will help me? There really isn’t anyone, so I know I have to do it myself. I just can’t. Not now, anyway. But I will, eventually. I hope.

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I don’t cook much anymore, because I get nervous and shaky and make a mess of things, but today I am being slow and careful and am baking turkey pie, and about to finish mixing up a Torta (bread pud). Having a rest break. Then later, there will be dishes. Worst part of cooking is the clean-up. But I will have good, homemade food to eat for a few days, so that’s a good thing.

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It really has been a while since I last posted. Life has been just moving right along in the meantime. I have been trying to get my place in order, but it is of course very slow with more tired or pain days than not, but my biggest hurdle has been my homemaker service. It’s been really terrible, with so many no-shows that I’ve been lucky to have someone come in once a month over the summer. I can’t vacuum, and laundry is difficult due to carrying it to laundry room and back, and there are other issues. I’ve been working on doing something every day, like washing a few things by hand, but I am sooooooo far behind with everything.

I really hate being dependant on someone else, but you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess. At least I have a friend who takes me shopping occasionally, so I don’t run out of food.

I’m trying to declutter. I have too much stuff for this tiny apartment. Besides just the regular dross, there is an extra table, a loveseat that’s not really extra but I hate, and some kitchen stuff I never use. Baby steps, as Flylady says. But my steps are still in the crawling stage. 🙂

The weather has finally turned to autumn temperatures over the past few days. Down in the 40’s at night. The colors arent’ good this year due to the drought we’ve been having, and the trees across the street aren’t even turning yet. But cooler is better than sticky, any day. The sky is lovely, with puffy white clouds floating across from west to east. A good sign. It’s that darn south wind that brings the stickies.

I’m wishing for a good rain soon. We really need it, and I do like rain.

>After that last entry, I had one good day in a row. A day where I felt normal. Got a lot done, too. But then couldn’t sleep so next day not so good. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a ‘normal’ feeling day. I enjoyed it. Today is lovely. Cool, breezy, lovely. So what am I doing? Sitting here messing about on the laptop. Oh, well.

>Two hellish days of pain, and a sleep-all-day recovery day. Much better now. Wish I knew what brings those on. I was watching a movie Saturday night when my shoulders started hurting. Woke up Sunday with PAIN. Total body, back-spasming, aching, piercing, shooting pain. Not pleasant. Lasted through yesterday afternoon, eased up, and this evening is finally gone. So far.

When it’s that bad, I just want to give up, thinking that I’ve lost control of my life, can’t take care of myself anymore, can’t get myself together, negative, negative thinking. But then it goes, and I have a renewed since of ‘well, maybe this time I can get myself under control. Manage my life, figure out how to avoid the pain’. We’ll see how that goes.