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Yes, I am angry. Really angry. And sad. And depressed. And disgusted. And broken-hearted. I wonder how people can be so self-centered, and narrow-minded, and unfeeling, and uncaring. But most of all, I wonder how people can just be so darn stupid. I debated posting more about the oil catastrophe. Should I post the pictures? Should I post them under a warning? Should I just let it go? Today I came across two articles that made the decision for me. No warnings. This is life in America today.

The blog posts:

http://geo-geek.blogspot.com/2010/06/you-sir-are-moron.html

http://geotripper.blogspot.com/2010/06/more-dangerous-than-cocaine-3-dont.html

Here’s a petition to spur the government to find alternative energy sources:

http://pol.moveon.org/nomoreoil/?id=20920-2765580-.wk2ZPx&t=4

More pictures:
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/06/caught_in_the_oil.html

If this all offends you, imagine that you are that bird, and all the other birds and creatures in the same condition.

>This is just heart-breaking.

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/05/disaster_unfolds_slowly_in_the.html

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EDIT: Remember the movie “Wall Street” where Michael Douglas’ character says, “Greed is good.”? This is the result of that philosophy.

>Okay world, I’m saying it here. It’s time to take myself in hand and get control of this miserable illness. I’ve tried and tried and it never works, but I hate giving up and giving in. There’s a bit of a fighter still left somewhere down there in my psyche, and it’s screaming to get out and DO something about this. Don’t know exactly WHAT to do, but anything is better than nothing.

One of the worst issues I have is isolation. Isolating myself, that is. I never even go down to the lobby to get my mail anymore, unless I am going out for some other reason as well. I never go out on my own anymore, either, so unless a friend comes over and wants to go somewhere (and I really only have one friend who comes over more than twice a year or so)……….well, here I am. Just here. It’s been the main issue the entire ten years I’ve lived in this little box of an apartment. The world is out there, and I am in here. It’s like my own little prison cell. I have no outdoors that isn’t a public place. The street. That’s it. If I go outside, I’m in the public MAIN street. No little balcony, or porch or yard. I dont do well in public on my own. I think I have some sort of social anxiety disorder, maybe because I was made to feel….what’s a good way to put it?….unacceptable, stupid, not quite ‘quite’, there’s another word but it is eluding me….from the time I was very young right through until I was divorced. You know, that ‘fatal flaw’ that you are just to stupid to know what it is but that is clearly obvious to everyone around you.

So anyway…I don’t go out. I don’t like to be looked at. Of course, once I AM out, I am gradually more comfortable with it, but it is hell until then. It’s worse now, since the effects of being ill have taken a toll. I am old, and fat, and my hair is a disaster, and I walk like a drunk. I just want to be invisible. Where is science when you need it?

So my idea was to start my list of ‘things to do to take control of this illness’ with getting outside every day. Which I already know will not happen, because I will talk myself out of it every time.

Help, anyone out there. Does anyone have any ideas, hints, tips, solutions to offer someone like me? I don’t seem to be succeeding very well on my own. I did try, at the beginning. I tried exercising to regain the muscle strength I lost when I became ill. Within weeks of getting sick, my strength just vanished, and I could no longer do things I normally did without a second thought. I had to stop buying heavy groceries like juice, or things in cans, because it took too much effort to carry them from the car to the apartment. I tried going out and meeting people. I realized that however friendly and talkative shopkeepers may seem, what they really want is a customer, not a friend. So I just kept isolating more and more. I tried. But the more I did, the harder it got. The pain just kept getting worse and the more it hurt, the less I did.

I’m really a friendly person, I’m not mean, I always smile at everyone and say something pleasant, I’m polite. I like to have fun and be silly and make people laugh. But that’s one me. The me that rules is the isolated, timid, ‘omg, why would anyone want to talk to me or even look at me’ person. I want it to be different, but I don’t seem able to make it happen on my own.

Is this a whine, a rant, or what? I just wanted to state my plan to take charge of myself, and it turned into this all by itself. Ah, well. It is what it is, right?

>Feeling awful. Sleep is messed up again, and I have an allergy headache that feels like my brain is stuffed with cotton…painful cotton. Woe is me, or some such drivel.

Been reading a lot, since tv is getting worse and worse. I don’t watch ‘reality’ shows, and there is very little else on, and what there is doesn’t merit watching anyway. Can’t wait for The Closer and Eureka to come back. LOST was a rerun, Barrowman has little to no screen time of Desperate Housewives so far, and since I don’t normally watch it, there’s no point to start now.

I appear to be in complaining mode tonight. Nasty headaches can do that. Later.

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Image from here: http://bountifulhealing.wordpress.com/

It’s been gray for several days now, and I can really feel the effects. I am more tired, less energy, less motivation, less enthusiasm for anything. I like rain, no, I love rain. I am quite fond of snow, too. But gray days with no water product are just dull and depressing to the psyche. When I lived in New Hampshire, there were a LOT of gray days. February was the grayest month, so after a time, I learned to have interesting projects to focus on that month, so the SAD* wouldn’t completely win out. The beautiful flowers that were guaranteed to bring cheerfulness are all gone from the flowering pear trees, too.

Less SAD here where I am further south, but too much gray still brings the “oh, why bother”s. I’m not liking this. I want that energy I had two weeks ago back. Please. It’s amazing how quickly things go down hill housekeeping-wise when there is little or no energy and enthusiasm about. I did unload, reload, and run the dishwasher last night. Big accomplishment. LOL

Oh, I meant to ‘turn on the sun’ when I got up, and I forgot. I have full-spectrum bulbs in the ceiling fixture in the main room, and it is like daylight in here all the time when they are on, even in the middle of the night. So I call them ‘the sun’. I know. I have a fondness for inanity and silliness, it seems. Making up little phrases to fit a certain situation or thing is fun. Anything that gets a laugh or even just a giggle is a good thing in my book.

I overslept today, since I stayed up way too late last night, and the buzzer woke me up. It was the mailman with a package from my Amazon grocery subscription. I like Amazon. Anyway, one time he left my package in the lobby and it was stolen. Amazon cheerfully refunded my money, but when I complained to the post office, their attitude to me was ‘tough luck’. Behind the scenes, however, I think they must have reamed out the mailman, because now he brings the packages up to me, always with a glare and never speaks a word. Oh, I feel so bad. NOT! You can’t just drop things in a public lobby and expect them to just remain there til the recipient happens to check on Amazon and see they are listed as ‘delivered’.

Off to turn on the sun. *SAD is Seasonal Affective Disorder, in case you were wondering. I has it. I grew up in Colorado, where sun is the primary state of things, not gray and dour. No wonder New Englanders are noted for being taciturn and unfriendly. We are all miserable most of the time. LOL

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The image is from here:
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/sunearth.html

Today, as I’m sure you know, is Earth Day. In honor of it, Mother Nature graced us with not one but two thunderstorms. Thunderstorms are for June, Mother, not April. I was not home for the first one. Went out with a friend. Storm started right after we went into a store. You could hear the thunder in the store, and it was pouring when we were ready to leave. We waited til it let up a bit, then had to wade through a couple of tiny rivers on the way to the car. Soaking shoes and pants legs are not fun.

The second storm was a bit later, and I could see lightning bolts from my window, so unplugged the electronics til it passed. Not as much rain this time, either. Flower petals are so over now. All in all it was a good day.