Sad Jean Was Sad Today

Something happened today.  Not sure I even want to blog about it, but here goes anyway.  I have a friend who has been my friend for a very long time.  She always kind of treated me very casually, though.  I often felt like an afterthought, like I didn’t really matter to her.  An example:  we would agree to meet for lunch or whatever, and she would always be late.  Sometimes she did not turn up at all.  There was  never a call to let me know she would be late, or not come.  It made me feel like I had no value to her, like I didn’t matter at all.

I have another friend, who did the same thing today.  She did call, two hours later than I was expecting, and it really bothered me.  That she didn’t call earlier to let me know she would be late. She has a cell phone…that I gave her.  She could have used it.  But she didn’t.  It really made me feel that same, ‘Wow, I really don’t matter.’ thing.  I spoke up about it, and then let it go, but it bothered me a lot.  My friend has gradually backed off from me, like my other one has done since I became ill, and this almost just felt like the nail in the coffin.  Her reasons for backing off seem to be a bit different though.  She didn’t know me when I wasn’t ill, it’s just that she’s made new friends and is engaged in doing new things and there is less time for me.  She doesn’t really need me anymore.  I get that, and I always expect it to happen.  It still hurts, though, whatever the reason.  It hurts to think that you don’t matter as much to someone as they do to you.  It hurts to feel like you are not important enough to be polite and courteous to.  I would not leave someone hanging if it was at all possible to let them know what was going on, but it’s okay when others leave me hanging, because what?  I just don’t matter?  I don’t like feeling like this, but I will process and assimilate it, and it will become one more part of my idea of who I am and what place I have in the world.

On the bright side, I did not need a recovery day after all.  I am so much better on ten mg prednisone, am going to call doctor tomorrow and try to negotiate staying on it.  I know down the line there are bad side effects, but for right now, a sort-of decent quality of life is pretty darn inviting.  Let me keep it for awhile, please.  Being able to function, to do things I want, when I want, I think if you’re not sick, you don’t really appreciate that.  Fingers crossed.