Meh

Not having the best day ever.  Feeling stuck.  Had a bright idea the other day, only to have to come to terms with the fact that I just can’t do it.  I need to change things around periodically, or I just get frozen.  But it gets harder every time.  April first I’ll be here fourteen years.  Fourteen years spent mostly here by myself in my little prison box.  I rarely go out, and if I have to go somewhere, forget just wanting to go somewhere, I have to impose on a friend to get there.  So I’m pretty much stuck. 

This has never been my home.  It’s the place I exist in limbo, because I seem to have no options.  I manage to tuck that into a dark spot in my mind, but now and then it emerges and I start feeling stuck and trapped and needing to escape, and I can’t.  All these years, and I haven’t been able to come up with a way out of this hell I am in.  Limbo, maybe hell is too harsh a word.  Or not.  Sometimes it feels like I am in hell.

The other day I was watching the weather and noticed where I used to live on the map.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that I want to go home.  I want to go home, back to my life, and my husband, and my family and my garden and MY LIFE.  Only it no longer exists.  There is no going home for me, ever.  It’s been years since I’ve felt that need to be back there.  Took me by surprise, and now I’m kind of having trouble letting it go again.  I have to pull myself out of this, but not today.  Today I am going to allow myself to feel the sadness and the longing for things that will never be.  I’ll be better tomorrow.

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