>HELLO

>

Okay, I love the map with the pretty sparklies on it. So I made it bigger. Actually, you can choose it on the main page.

Feeling better. Actually think my leg may be improving slightly. The rest of me isn’t doing too badly, either. If I could just break my addiction to this laptop and get up and do something, I’d probably be even better than that. Got up at 1:30 after being up very late (5am?) due to caffeine yesterday afternoon. Been sitting here ever since. God, I am a slug. But there is so much to read and learn on the computer, and it doesn’t take all my energy, and it doesn’t hurt. So there.

Speaking of learning, here is Google’s newest really neat thing:

http://ngrams.googlelabs.com/

Put in your words and see what happens. I love Google. I use a lot of their services, so I’m really hoping that they’re NOT evil after all, but it’s not looking good.

Off to find some food. I forget to eat quite often, you’d think I’d be thin. You’d be wrong.

>Two Great Vids

>Why Matt Smith is the best Doctor ever. Even though Nine is my Doctor, Matt is perfect. He brings himself to the role, as is obvious in this vid.

>It Was A Cold And Sunny Day

>
Still is, actually. It’s 19 degrees F. It’s only 9 am. Up all night yet again. So the doctor gave me a new med, since I now have high blood pressure to go along with the other fun things. I googled the medicine, and apparently I’m not supposed to take it with Zoloft, my knock-out pill, or most of the pain-meds I use. So what am I supposed to do? Called doctor, waited all day, office person called and said to have my potassium levels rechecked. My levels were fine last week. What I wanted to know was what to do about the med interactions. Do people not listen when you talk? Do they use selective hearing?

I am also in a lot of pain from my ‘broken’ leg, which pain has of course referred itself to the entire rest of my body. Leg is only broken in the sense that I can’t really walk on it, and have been hobbling around for a week. Gee, maybe I should see a doctor. Okay, yes. I’m tired, cranky, in pain, and just fed up with the whole body not working right thing. FED UP!!

I do try. Really, I do. It is what it is. All I have to do is live with it as best I can. That works. Then, like every medicine I’ve ever taken for this, it doesn’t. I have found that just putting it down in black and white on this blog helps with my frame of mind, if not my symptoms. So whine, whine, whine. Okay. I’m done.

>Tags

>Sunshiny Ianto

I finally got all the posts tagged, except for two inconsequential ones. Believe me, it is much easier to tag as you go on Blogger. It reverts to the first page every time you tag something on a different page, and you have to work your way back. Annoying.

I think nobody ever comments, but I have 321 over the entire blog. Of course some of them are me replying to comments, but still.

I have to call the doctor about my meds and find something to eat. I have something to cook, but my painful leg makes standing difficult. But I’m hungry. Ate breakfast at 6am, I think it was, since I was up all night again.

And it’s gray again. Have I mentioned it’s gray? Gray with rain or snow=good. Gray alone=not as good. I have my full-spectrum overhead lights on, so that does help a lot. If you’re not paying attention, you don’t even notice night has fallen when they’re on. I recommend them. Yes. Yes, I do.

>It Was A Dark and Stormy Night….

>And day. But that was yesterday. Today is just gray. Very, very gray. I have been feeling really awful since the doctor’s last week, and on Wednesday I managed to damage my leg somehow and have been hobbling in pain ever since. It’s times like these that I just want to crawl into bed and never come out again. I get so tired of feeling lousy. Sometimes it takes everything I have to keep a positive attitude and sense of humor. But if I didn’t, if I couldn’t, I would be lost. I don’t know that I could come back from the black hole one more time. So I am very aware of it all the time, because I have to be able to recognize the spiral before I reach my Rubicon.

Rubicon. I loved that show. They talked about Rubicon during the show, but I didn’t really understand it until I looked it up. Point of no return, is basically what it means. You’ve gone too far to ever get back, and the only way left is forward. When it’s forward into the black hole, you NEVER want to reach that Rubicon. Never.

How many people have been lost because they did, and there was no way back for them? That point where you absolutely believe that the only way to end the pain is to end yourself. I’ve been there. It wasn’t anyplace I ever want to be ever again. I was lucky I was saved. A lot of people aren’t.

It scares me, I admit it. I never want to feel that way again. It was worse than the worst thing I could imagine. Like I was being ripped apart by pain. Not physical pain. Emotional pain. Physical pain is different. I think it can reach a point where the only way to end it is to end yourself, but there are lots of pain interventions, and someone usually is aware you are suffering. Not so much with psychic pain. It’s much easier to keep it hidden. To put on the ‘good’ face. I’m fine, everything is fine, it’s all fine. I’ll tell a joke and make you laugh and you’ll believe it’s fine, too.

Life can be very hard. It’s harder for some than for others, and it’s really sad that so many people aren’t saved. Don’t get a rescue, an intervention of life-saving caring. Serious depression needs all-out emergency-room trauma-center type care, but I’m not sure that’s really available in the same way it is for physical trauma. No one will call the ambulance when they can’t see that you are dying emotionally. You have to be either very lucky and have someone be there and understand at the exact right moment, or somehow find the ability and strength within yourself to call your own ambulance, metaphorically speaking. Not really that likely when you are surrounded by the darkness. Life can be very hard. Very. I try to keep on my toes about it.

>Dizzy

>I’ve been having a lot of allergy problems recently, sneezing, stuffy nose, runny nose. Then today I got….VERTIGO. Oh, that was fun. Had to get a friend to take me to the doctor’s and walk me through the whole thing. Fortunately, it didn’t last long, and I’m not actually sick, but it was something I’d never had before. It was quite interesting and fun, but if it had lasted for any length of time, it would have been miserable, I think.

Why is it allergy season? Isn’t it freezing cold? Shouldn’t all the pollen and whatever else I’m allergic to be on vacation or something? Hadn’t been to the doctor in a couple of years, cause I haven’t been sick. He wasn’t happy about that. Hey, send me a reminder. Everything I do is a major hassle with this illness, so if I don’t have to go, I’m not going. Right? Yes, right. I do like my doctor, though. He actually takes the time to talk to me, not rush me through.

Oh, it’s really hard to find clip art of a dizzy woman, apparently, so just imagine me walking like I had a few too many while hanging onto the arm of my friend. It was pretty funny. LOL

>Well Hello

>

I have been added to this:

http://www.mastersinhealthcare.com/blog/2010/50-great-blogs-for-fibromyalgia-support/

I am surprised. Kind of pleased, kind of nervous. This is the second spot to recognize my blog. Here’s the first:

http://www.myfibro.com

Does not mean I am going to change anything. I write what I write. It’s not all about illness, because I am not all about being ill. I am about life. Living it, loving it, getting the most out of it that I can with my limitations. Taking each day as it comes, dealing with what that day brings, moving on to the next day. It’s how I survive being mostly alone, being fatigues, being in pain. Deal with what’s there and never anticipate tomorrow. Works for me.

So thanks to those acknowledging my blog and seeing something of value there. Sometimes I think I’m only blogging for myself, but I know people read it, they just don’t comment. Or maybe Blogger won’t let them. Whatever. I just hope somebody gets something out of it, whether it be a laugh, some insight, whatever. It’s a good thing.

Guess that means I have to update my tags now.

>It’s All About Me

>
Still feeling not so great, and moderate amounts of pain.

Here are the mostly positive things I’ve learned about myself from the memes I’ve posted on this blog:

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what’s in front of you (the foreground) and how that is affected by the details of life. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can’t control. You are highly focused on specific goals or tasks and find meaning in life by pursuing those goals. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

You have a playful, eccentric sense of humor.

You are creative. You see the world in bold colors.

You are a dabbler. You love to experiment.

You aren’t an expert in anything, but you know a little about everything.

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you’re probably an intellectual, but don’t take that to mean pretentious. You realize ‘dumb’ can be witty–after all isn’t that the Simpsons’ philosophy?–but rudeness for its own sake, ‘gross-out’ humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it’s also the best, in my opinion.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart – Woody Allen – Ricky Gervais

You are more QUIRKY than NORMAL.

You are more LIBERAL than TRADITIONAL.

You are more DOMINANT than PASSIVE.

You may not be happy all of the time, but you experience frequent moments of joy in your life.

There are moments so perfect that time has stood still and you wish you could freeze it forever.

You are so joyful because you appreciate the small things in life. You know joy is more about who you are than what you have.

You are thankful to be alive, and you know that things could be a lot worse. You are content with your life.

For the not so positive things, you’ll just have to read the blog.

Here’s one of my favorite funny things:

Gibbs: Are you superstitious?

Vance: I’m a little stitious.

>An Experiment

>
Having a lot of leg pain today. I am trying to not just pop pain pills all the time, and when I do, I try to do a different one each day. Extra-Strength Excedrin works well, but keeps me awake. Ibuprofen works well but is bad for you???? Advil doesn’t work well and destroys my stomach. What to do? So tired and pained, I decide to try exercise. Briefly. Very briefly. I ellipsed for about five minutes, and believe it or not…..less pain. I am interested to see what happens later in the day, however, because usually when I do something like ellipse or shop or whatever, the pain doesn’t set in until later or even the next day or so. I’ll keep you posted.

>A little shopping

>
Went out with my friend today. We had coffee and then got a few groceries, came back here and played Big Kahuna on the laptop til she had to leave to fix dinner for her hubbies. Just one husband. I had a friend once who called her husband ‘hubbies’ and it kind of stuck. Anyway, it really looked like winter today, but wasn’t that cold. This was my second good day in a row, so I was very happy. More energy, less pain. No idea why, but I never know why I’m better or worse. It just happens. I enjoy every second when I’m better, and try to have as much fun as I can when I’m worse, usually reading LOLcats, or watching funny movies. Laughing is always good, and always makes me feel better, even when I feel miserable. It’s a good thing.

>Very Funny

>Atheist Football Player | Atheist Media Blog

EDIT: I’m feeling a bit green today, and…another funny????

http://icantdrawfeet.com/2010/09/27/the-game-of-life/?

>Today I Am a Zombie

>
I don’t, however, eat brains. Ewww. But I have been up all night, unable to sleep yet again. If I don’t take my knock-out pill, this is what happens. Sometimes it happens even when I do take the knock-out pill. No matter what I do, what new technique I try, this just keeps on keeping on. Once a week or sometimes more. I just want to be normal. Go to bed at night, get up in the morning, have my life during the daytime, with, you know, sunshine and all that.

I am usual pretty much non-functional when this happens. I make coffee, but forget the water. I put the beans in the bottom of the grinder instead of in the grinder cup. I forget to put a cup under the drip thingy when I use that pot. I drop things. I forget things. Mostly I stay on the couch with the laptop. It keeps me from doing too much damage to myself, my apartment, or the cat.

Sometimes though, I can’t sleep for days at a time. The longer I’m awake, the better I feel, until I finally crash and sleep for 14 hours or more. The whole sleep thing does get frustrating, and just makes the problems from fibro-cfs that much worse.

On the other hand, and there is always another hand (little humor there), I found this neat blog while I was reading. It’s fun if you’re a book lover, and possibly even if you’re not. Here’s the link:

http://betterbooktitles.com/

Here’s another:

http://slaughterhouse90210.tumblr.com/

>Gay Pirates

>Someone posted this video the other day and I loved it. Next thing I know, it’s all over After Elton. Here’s the latest interview with Cosmo Jarvis, the composer:

http://www.afterelton.com/people/2010/11/cosmo-jarvis-gay-pirate

The vid’s on there, too. Check it out.

EDIT: Here’s another link to the video in case you can’t watch on YouTube:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xfo1px_cosmo-jarvis-gay-pirates-hq_music

>Sick???

>

I’m either sick or having a massive allergy attack. Whichever it is, I feel really awful. Sneezing, stuffy, headache, and my legs are still having a lot of pain so walking is difficult. Just another fun day.

I’ve just been listening to classic alternative music on the tv and reading Torchwood fanfiction. Keeps my mind off feeling crappy. Oh, I am so tired of feeling crappy. Could someone please invent pain pills that actually work without destroying some of your internal organs? Please?

Off to read (and sulk) some more. LOL

>Happy Thanksgiving

>
Yes, it’s Thanksgiving here in the US. Hope everyone has a lovely day. Except of course the Native Americans, who probably aren’t celebrating too much. Little did they know what they were in for from those Pilgrims and their descendants.

>This is Priceless

>To all those in support of DADT, READ THIS:

http://gawker.com/5697676/comment-of-the-day-walk-a-mile-in-her-high-heels

>Kennedy

>
I remember that day. I was washing dishes when my mom called to tell me. Turned on the tv, and life seemed to just stop for the next three days. Walter Cronkite and the other news anchors telling us the horrific news that he was gone, Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK Jr saluting, the riderless horse, the long walk to the cemetery. It was like nothing else existed. I still remember, every time I hear the Presidential intro music. I forget what it’s called. It was like all hope died. All the promise of the future just stopped, right there in that moment. It’s something you never forget, and never really get over.

I remember that Jackie conducted herself with such grace, such concern for protocol, such strength at probably the worst time in her life. She had only recently lost a baby who had been born prematurely. She was a role model for all of us then.

Unfortunately, the future did just keep getting worse from then on, until now here we are with morons and religious fanatics holding back any progress we could be making towards equal rights and living wages, and taking care of those less fortunate. It’s a sad day, in more ways than one.