Was a good day. Got an ecard from my friend Beth, a birthday text from my Traci, phone calls from my kids, along with an edible fruit arrangement from one of them, and ‘mug rugs’ handmade by my friend Tess, who also brought our traditional tiny cake from Shaw’s, and we went for a long and lovely ride just enjoying the gorgeous day. Earlier, I walked to the Post Office to mail a letter, because I can do stairs now, and there are stairs going into the Post Office. I also sat on the bench for awhile enjoying the day. It was a good day.
Mug Rugs

I am struggling with so much being alone again. I find myself not wanting to get up in the morning, because the earlier I’m up, the longer the day of being alone is. I know going outside helps, but I’m tired and unenthusiastic and wind up watching cooking shows and reading to fill the time. I really need to work on this. I seem to be having some knee pain, too, after I thought I should be getting better. Need to call the surgeon’s office tomorrow to set up pt, and will mention it. If I can get through. Friday, I just kept getting a busy signal.
It was a lovely warm day, and I couldn’t muster enough energy to open the windows. I am a sad case. 🙂
Things I wanted to do today:
take a shower
go outside
cook two dishes I bought ingredients for
run dishwasher
Things I’ve done today (and it’s 5pm):
0 Yes, zero. Absolutely none of the above.

Inhaler is helping, I actually dis things today. Loaded the dishwasher, washed some fruit and cut it up, sorted laundry. I went out for a short walk and sat on the bench for awhile. I still can’t walk more than a few feet without feeling like I’ve run a marathon, but overall, better. Going to make tortellini soup for dinner: broth, package of fresh cut-up cauli, broccoli, carrots and asparagus, and chicken prosciutto tortellini, my favorite thing. Easy dinner, and leftovers for probably two more meals. Yum.

All of my services have ended, even my lovely PT guy. I’ve been having an asthma attack for nearly two weeks, and saw an allergist yesterday, who prescribed a new inhaler, one with a ‘black box’ warning…may cause death. Oh, joy. But not breathing well is not good. Get very tired very quickly and it inhibited my progress from the surgery quite a bit. But overall, doing pretty well. Am trying to get outside every day, unless it’s raining or I just don’t have the energy to move that much. Been shopping, a few doctor appointments, more activity that I’ve been used to for quite some time. Enjoying it, even if it does involve pain and exhaustion. Need to call the surgeon’s office and set up pt there next. Harder, because transportation is always an issue, but hopefully it will be helpful So glad this all happened now, I don’t think I’d do so well if it was cold and short days and all. Sunshine is really good, getting outside is really good as well. Still nervous about having another panic attack, but I’ve been off oxycontin for two weeks and nothing, so hopefully I am done with that. Also, not looking forward to so much alone time again. I was used to it, but realized that to get by, I shut down a lot, and that’s never a good thing. So looking forward to more good things. Hope everyone is doing well out in blog land.

Went for three short walks this week with my physical therapist, then tonight before it got dark, I went for a walk by myself. Just about half a block and back, but still. I haven’t gone out by myself for any reason for years, I think. Yay, me.

I am not loving this. Woke up at 3am, read, started to fall asleep, and freaked. Afraid to go to sleep? seriously? So just jerked awake every time I started to fall asleep. This morning it got worse and started shaking and panicing. Took the Ativan, and people came from VNA for regular visits, which helped. Nurse says it could be withdrawal from the oxycontin now. Since I am trying to get off it. Not loving this. Do not want to be afraid I’m really hoping this stops as I clear the oxy from my system. Everything has a down side in medicine, it seems. Rats.

Sunshine all day long. Had Create on all day, marathoning Annabel Langbein. New Zealand is gorgeous, and she cooks delicious looking food. Sound down again so can hear voices but not make out what is said. Best way to watch tv. LOL

Still tired, took two percoset and zonked right out, as well. Over and above just being tired. I was tired before the surgery thanks to the fibro, so it’s nothing new. Anyway, Gertrude and I had a lovely nap. She is so cute, and good company when she’s not hiding.

Cindy, the VNA nurse who visits, was admiring a painting I have in the living room. It was given to me by one of my homemakers who just didn’t want it. Anyway, she suggested I google the artist, just in case, but it seems it’s nothing special. But this conversation happened Friday. Saturday, the painting fell off the wall onto the back of the couch. I take this as a sign, so am going to give it to her tomorrow. You can’t ignore things like that, right? I mean, it’s been hanging there for years, brief convo about it, it falls off wall. Ooeeooee? LOLOL

Can’t say how happy such a glorious sunshiney day has made me. Spring has sprung, even if it is rather chill, and going to rain tomorrow, I think.

after surgery. Doing pretty well. Discovered that I can’t do without the oxycontin, even at the risk of panic attacks, which seem to not happen if I take it after eating more than I had been. So, less pain and feeling better in general it is. Tired again all morning, and pain, but oxy and half a giant falafel wrap later, had a good, if lazy, afternoon. Opened window for half an hour, despite it being rather chill. Tess called, and we had a long and fun conversation, which helped with being okay on my first day alone since before surgery. Enjoying all the activity. Thought I would be overwhelmed after being alone so much for so long, but Thursday had FIVE different people come, and did fine. It’s going to be hard to readjust to alone when I’m better and people stop coming. Discovered that having the tv on with the station that runs old Westerns at a level I can hear but not make out what is being said, is very comforting. Gives the illusion of not being alone without having to pay attention to the programs. Weird? Helpful!

Everyone who comes is pleasant and friendly, and I’ve had some fun conversations. Nurse said it is a joy to come here, PT guy said he likes coming here because he always leaves cheered up. How nice. Made me feel good, both of them.

Really took the day off from doing any PT stuff, just a brief walk around my space. Will do more tomorrow, is the plan. PT will only come three days this week, so have to motivate myself. I am so not good at that. Seeing surgeon Wednesday. Hope he thinks I’m doing well. So there’s a little update.

I got out of rehab for the knee surgery yesterday. They said I wasn’t ready to leave, but I didn’t feel I was making much progress. My leg has been severely swollen almost the whole time, and no one but me seems bothered by that. So here I am at home. Will have services; physical therapy twice a week, visiting nurse twice a week, my homemaker. That’s not really why I came home, though. I came home because I am terrified out of my mind. After I was able to be up and around more, I realized I was more in a ‘caring for the aged’ facility than a strict rehab facility. It freaked me out to see people sitting around waiting for someone to bring them food, to feed them if they can’t, people at the complete mercy of whoever is on shift at that time. The call-button rings incessantly, meaning someone, somewhere needs a fresh cold water, or is having major severe pain. No way to differentiate, and they are supposed to answer every call button, but believe me, that is kind of arbitrary. I realized that this is what happens if you become unable to care for yourself and have no family around to pick up the slack. Big families were good for a reason. You didn’t have to be afraid of being stuck in some ‘facility’ with no power over any aspect of your life. If you can afford to be in a facility. What happens if you can’t? The whole experience scared the hell out of me, and I just wanted to come home. But home is just me, on my own, except for those service visitors. I am about having an anxiety attack over this, and don’t know what to do about it, or is it the meds affecting my perception, or good grief, what is going to happen to me as I get older and less capable. I’m already pretty compromised due to the fibro/CFIDS, and have been skating along thinking things like, “I will do this when I am better, I will get this organized, sorted, whatever.” Will I? I’m probably not ever going to be any better than I am right now, so what are my prospects? I really am scared for the first time in my life. Just so you know, dear readers.

Struggling. Lots of pain and serious fatigue and the sleep issues are back in spades. Maybe it’s stress from contemplating knee surgery, although I’m not feeling concerned about it at all. Just the being away from home and Gertrude, maybe. Trying to remember everything I need to remember when I have little to no memory to work with.

Completely coincidentally, I just came across a fibro site while reading SLATE. It’s an Instagram site. I don’t have any real experience with Instagram, but anyway. Checking the site fibro inspiration, and one other mentioned on it Chronic Illness Cat, have brought home to me yet again how I am in denial. Pretending I am just having a bad day, or a bad spell, trying to justify to others WHY everything is a mess, or I can’t get this/that/whatever sorted, or not asking for help when I really, seriously need help. But then there’s the issue of there really isn’t anyone to ask. No one is going to come and sort this cluttery disaster I am currently living in. I always tell people that they can tell how well I’m doing by the level of clutter around me. Right now, the clutter has won the war.
This is the coffee table. More like the ‘I don’t have a clue what to do with most of this stuff, or the energy to do it, so here it sits’ table.
This is by where I normally sit. It’s all the things I don’t want to have to get up for, like pen and paper, tissues, mini-trash holder, etc. Not always able to just get up and get the scissors or whatever when I need them, so keep them handy.
Seriously, look at that desk.

One thing I discovered on these sites, is that I am not the only one with Prednisone Withdrawal problems. Some people mentioned they got through it, but I was off it for six months with no improvement. Life can be very frustrating at times. There was something else I wanted to say, but it totally escapes me at the moment. Okay, done whining for today. Thanks for reading.

I have long said that I think I was born with ‘the happy gene’, and it seems I am correct. Yay, me. 🙂

The Happy Gene

I am still doing much better pain-wise, and the freezing cold weekend is moderating. It was -14 below Sunday at 5am. Brrrrr. Supposed to be in the 50’s tomorrow. I love New England. These are Fahrenheit, not Celsius, btw.

My homemaker has not turned up today. I texted, but no reply. I know it’s a holiday, but she told me Friday she would be working today. Poor homemakers, they get crap pay and unpaid sick/vacation time, and have to work most holidays. Good old America. They also have to pay for their own gas to get from job to job and to do the shopping, etc., for the clients.

“In a world where Google can bring you back 100,000 answers, a librarian can bring you back the right one.” Neil Gaiman

After being mostly miserable recently, I woke up today feeling much better. I can even hobble around with my cane instead of having to use the walker. Don’t know what happened, but didn’t have a clue what made me worse in the first place. But it was not a fun couple of weeks. Only a month to go til surgery, too. Kind of looking forward to physical therapy after, cause I’m hoping the therapists can help figure out how to regain some muscle in the rest of me, not just work on the knee. I have to be cautious, because I lot of things I’ve tried have just caused more long-lasting pain. Not a good thing.

Snowed again, but no pictures, too much pain. So glad to be better again.

It snowed for real on Friday, and there is a winter storm warning for tomorrow, with possibility of blizzard. Blizzard. I love winter. Here’s some pics I took Friday.

I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go. ~ Neil Gaiman

Don’t know what went wrong, but I have been in pain since Saturday. I was doing so well, too. Very tired, also. Fuzzy brain. Not happy. It’s a beautiful day, though. Not as warm as yesterday, but bright and clear. Trees look like they are ready to pop buds. It’s barely February, trees. Climate change is real, people. Kind of scary, really, because the warmer it gets, the more bugs will be moving north from southerly parts of the continent. This can’t be good.

Watching another weird show on Netflix. Occupied. It’s Norwegian. Thank goodness for subtitles. I love Netflix. I hardly ever watch regular tv, unless it’s pbs or sometimes the news and weather. I am tired. Need to go lie down now.

Been reading a lot and watched this crazy horror show on Amazon Prime, Fortitude. Ewwwwww. But good.

Still hobbling, still waiting for the surgery in March. Meanwhile, loving having my Traci bring me a coffee five days a week. Makes getting up actually not awful. Today, though, she didn’t come til one. Looong wait for coffee. LOL

Here’s my new favorite quote:

“But at the point where your actions intentionally harm innocent people, you’re not fighting for freedom. You’re a terrorist.”

From:
Armstrong Dent and the Edge of Earth

These are from here: Left Action

With clips from a few of his movies. Alan Rickman

Practically the first thing I read this morning is that Alan Rickman has died. One of my favorite ever actors, three days after I learn Bowie has died. This has to stop! You can’t keep killing off my idols. You just can’t. I am heartbroken. Galaxy Quest, Harry Potter. Truly, Madly, Deeply, one of my favorite movies. Shit, shit, shit. My day had started off well, but now I am just crushed. Shit!

Just watched it here:

State of the Union Address

He doesn’t start talking til around 18 minutes, and if you don’t want to sit through the whole thing, I recommend 1:01:30 to about 1:13:00.

Two things:
1. Michelle Obama is a beautiful woman

2. At some point, you can almost hear some of those Republicans thinking, “Must not clap. Must not clap.”

Saw surgeon today. Liking him. Very nice, very confidence-inspiring. He is very busy, but is going to try to get me in sooner than the scheduled date, which is March 8. March. I know. But in the meantime, Traci will come in for an hour Tues, Wed, and Thurs, in addition to her usual Monday and Friday stints. Just to do washing up, making some food, things I can’t do right now.

Doctor told me to try using a bike. I have a recumbent bike/ellipse machine, so will use that. Wasn’t sure if I should be doing anything or not. The only pain med that will help is Tramadol, and I had hallucinations last time I tried that, so he thinks the biking will help somehow. We’ll see how it goes. I may not even need to go to rehab after, if I do well, and the Visiting Nurse will come every day because lots of physical therapy is required after surgery.

I am looking forward to being mobile again. Got the walker, got a tray for the walker (neat), but actually walking hurts like heck. So want this done, please. I am happy.