Better

Much better.  Pretty much slept except for the odd hour or two here and there, from Thursday afternoon til Sunday morning.  Awake all day yesterday, but in bed by 8 and asleep soon after.  Cut down to one vicodin at a time yesterday, so just drowsy, not falling asleep.  A little residual pain now and then, but it’s almost gone.  Just tired, not much energy at all.  Pain – coping with pain – takes it out of you, that’s for sure.

One thing I observed yesterday was that I did not feel like I was struggling.  I always have pain somewhere in my body.  Always. I am always tired, no energy.   I always feel like I’m struggling to cope with it, not let it get me down, and with the effects of pain – remembering what I need to do, what pills I need to take when, what day is it and is it homemaker day.  Is there food I need to do something with before it goes off? Can I muster up the energy to do whatever it is I need/want to do?   All the things you aren’t even consciously aware of when you’re healthy, become obstacles to be dealt with when you aren’t.  Life is a constant struggle to deal, to cope, to manage, to not give in and give up.  And those few days with the vicodin and being ordered to just rest by the ER doctor, I didn’t have to struggle.  If felt so freeing and I was so relaxed and just here.  I quite enjoyed that. I did kind of daydream about how great it would be to have someone to take care of me.  Make sure I took my meds on time, made the meals and cleaned up after, took care of all the details of daily living.  Not gonna happen, but fun to think about.

I have a new favorite quote, from fanfiction about Sherlock Holmes.

A man could endure anything if he lived without expectations.  Doctor John Watson

I agree.  This is the way I live.  No expectations.

One thought on “Better

  1. Pingback: Spring Has Sprung… « As You Wish

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