>A light bulb moment. While lying awake all night last night, feeling sorry for myself, in pain, thinking about my life…realization came upon me. When I have a good day, sometimes I go out shopping with a friend. I can buy material, sewing notions, scissors, all the things you need to create something. I can buy lovely fruits and vegetables, meat, whatever. A part of my brain still thinks I am living that old life, and it kicks in on those days. Then, I’m home. Just me. And I cannot do the steps required to make something with that material. I cannot do the steps required to get an actual meal on the table with that food.
My ‘good day’ brain is making my real life brain want to attempt things it knows are not possible. Even on a ‘good’ day, I have trouble getting food on the table. I need to seriously rethink what I need to do, what I need to have, how I need to live in the confines of this illness. I can’t buy a pound of chili powder from the spice shop and expect to use it in my lifetime, let alone in a few months like in that other pre-illness life. I cooked with chili powder a lot. We liked it. I like it. But I don’t need it in quantity anymore.
Trying to make sense of it, and recognizing that there is still a part of me that hasn’t moved on from that other life. It needs to. I need to. I am not that person anymore, and I never will be again. I will never have that life again. Deal with it.
What do I really need? A bed, bedding, a table for a lamp and a book, a place for my clothes. A chair to relax in, a table to eat at, a place for my computer and my desk. A few dishes, a couple of pots and pans, some silverware. Do I need a roasting pan, all those baking dishes, a shelf full of glasses? I’m going to work on this and see where it gets me. Will my life be easier? We’ll have to wait and see.