>Thoughts

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I am needing to declutter badly. I rarely cook, yet I have all the pots and pans and roasters and gizmos that I had when I did cook. I don’t want to let them go, because I may need to cook a roast or something some day. Right? It occurred to me that I don’t want to let them go because if I do, it means I will never need to cook a roast again, or do anything to feed anyone else. It means that part of my life is truly over. I’m not sure I’m ready to accept that yet. Having a debilitating illness involves so much accepting of things you cannot change, when is the one that does you in finally? You’ve accepted so many limitations, and life changes, and losses, already. Is giving away a roasting pan the final straw that means your life really is over?

I want to live again. I want my life back. I want to be that person who had a wonderful job and had fun and was enthusiastic about things, instead of this person whose main goal in life is just to get through today. Just survive today without giving in to the pain, giving in to the fatigue, giving up on any semblance of anything but existance. I want to keep trying, keep fighting, but some times it is just so hard, and feels so futile. Do I have learned helplessness, or am I really helpless, in the sense that I can’t help myself do the things I want/need to do, things that would make my life cheerier and less stressful?

After this past 14 months, the worst since I became ill, I am living in a cluttered, disorganized mess. I don’t even open my mail, sometimes for days or even longer. What does it matter? What does anything I do or don’t do matter? I am not happy about feeling this way. I am not wallowing. I am just frustrated at my inability to get done those things I want to get done. I know how I want things to be, I am just physically unable to get them there. It wears you down. It makes you sad. I don’t like feeling sad. I need to find something positive to focus on, and move on. Can I?