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Needed a new look. Not sure I love this one, but will give it a try.

Still gorgeous weather here, except for allergies. No sneezing, but tired and stuffy. Been having a lot of pain recently, also. Okay, that’s it for illness.

I may have mentioned I live in a small apartment. One room has to serve as living, dining, office. So I’m thinking I may get rid of the table and chairs and just get a coffee table or something. I don’t really use the table much except to put stuff on, but I really like it. I’m torn. Once it’s gone, it’s gone, and I wouldn’t be able to get it back if by some happenstance I moved to a place with an eat-in kitchen.

I’d love a bigger kitchen, anyway. This one has so little counter space that there’s really not much room to do anything. It has a dishwasher, but for some reason, when dishwashers are included, there is only a single sink. I miss a double sink. It has a lot of uses that a single sink doesn’t accommodate.

I guess I’m just thinking out loud, mulling things over, looking for a way to make things easier and more convenient. You take a lot for granted when you are well, and being ill really makes you realize how much effort is needed to do things. When you have a lot of energy, it doesn’t matter, but when your only have a limited amount, everything becomes something major to deal with. I guess that’s it. Off to take pills and shower and eat and all that jazz.

>
I’ve been up all night except for a snooze on the couch for an hour or so. This sleep thing makes life interesting.

It’s a beautiful, glorious day. The leaves on the pear trees across the street are glittering in the sunlight. It’s cool and dry and quite breezy and wonderful, and all I can think about is that there are four people who were alive yesterday afternoon but didn’t live to see today. It just seems so unfair. There you are, minding your own business, doing whatever you’re doing, when a thunderstorm pops up, turns into a tornado, and you are done. Just like that.

Scary, how fragile life is. I need to appreciate it more. Even being ill, there is so much beauty and joy in the world that is always available to me if I allow myself to notice it.

I try not to let illness get me down. I do not succeed all the time, but I do try to enjoy my life every day, to laugh every day. I am fortunate to have a friend who is as crazy as I am and who calls me every day whereupon we get hysterically laughing over absolutely nothing. We can find humor in just about anything. That’s a very good thing.

I wonder if cats can sense the weather. Gertrude was invisible the entire day yesterday, til well after all the storms had run their course. She didn’t come out of hiding until around 10 pm, which is completely out of character for her. She likes to sit with me and get in the way when I’m using the laptop. It’s her thing. But not yesterday. Interesting.

Her name is actually Snowflake, but I call her Gertrude. Because I can. My mother called all of our pets, dog, cats, male, female, she called them all Sam. Considering that she would call me my sister’s name and vice versa, I guess it was less confusing for her and the animals. Hmmm, I seem to have neglected to get up and take that first pill. Guess I’d better move it.

>There have just been three tornadoes here in Mass in the past couple of hours. I think that is a record for this area. The first one is going by just a bit north of us. Not sure it’s still an actual tornado, may be just a severe storm. It is finally no longer Gray May. Now it’s Gray With Wicked Weather June. I don’t think anyone was seriously hurt, but I have everything but the laptop (on battery) unplugged, so can’t watch the news. I joked with my friend Tess that I would have to move to Canada, cause they don’t have tornadoes there. ‘YET!’ she said. LOL Climate change or not, it’s getting interesting.

Feeling better after several recovery days from going out Saturday. Two days of pain, one night of no sleep, one day of sleeping all day, one night of up very late and up at 10, and last night not sleeping well. Do I have an exciting life, or what?

UPDATE: It’s quarter past nine pm and there are still tornado watches north of me, and severe thunderstorms with hail. We’re having a lot of lightening, but I have the tv on watching the news. They’ve declared a state of emergency, and the Governor just came on to say something. Four people have been killed and it’s not known how many were injured, homes destroyed, trees down. Mother Nature is not happy, it seems. Oops, I think channel 5 just lost power. They were in the midst of a severe storm. Channel 4 is still on, but there not having any coverage except for a ticker. Think I’ll unplug the tv now.

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Hot and sticky and I’ve had the ac on since last night, but it’s still GRAY! This is worse than February in New Hampshire, which normally was the grayest month up there. Down here May is meant to be spring. Sunny. Nice. Not gray day after day after day after day.

It’s the holiday, and here I sit by myself as I have for nearly every holiday for the eleven years I’ve lived here. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually the only holidays I have someplace to go. Not complaining, just saying. I barely remember what it was like to have a life, where I went places and did things and worked and wasn’t alone all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if I had responsibilities. A family to take care of. But then I know that when I have days like yesterday when I was in so much pain I just slept all day that I am fortunate to only have me and Gertrude to worry about. All she wants is food, water, and a clean litter box, and some cuddles, and that’s all easily done. Even if I’m having a really bad day and don’t get the food out on time, she doesn’t seem to mind. Which reminds me. I ordered this calming essential oil mix to try, since she is so timid and jumpy. So I bought her a collar to dab it on when it gets here.

She’s never had a collar, and I was expecting the worst, but she stood stock still while I put it on here, then she hid for a bit, came back and stared at me for a bit, and then up on the lap and all is forgiven. She doesn’t seem to even know that it’s there. Weird. Simon would have had it off in the first five minutes. Cats really do have their own quirks and likes and dislikes.

I know I haven’t had much to say lately, but I hope I still have some readers out there. I am trying again to have some goals and a plan, but anyone who has this illness knows that you can plan all you want, but your body decides if you can follow through or not.

I have noticed a pattern going on recently. Well, probably longer than that, but I wasn’t really paying that much attention. But I sleep okay (for me) for a night or two, then I am awake all night for a few days and sleep during the day. Doesn’t matter if I take the knock-out pill or not.

I’m lucky that I don’t have as much pain as some people do with this, and I can’t imagine, cause it’s hard enough just the way things are for me. Sometimes I admit that I just want to throw in the towel and stop trying, but I am a fighter by nature, and I hate to let things beat me. A little sunshine, low humidity, and temps in the upper 60s F would do me. But…it is a gray May day. And fun to say.

I know the picture has nothing in common with this post, but I like it. So.

>Check out this great MSN video: 10 Disturbing Facts About Global Warming

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One of my LJ friends just posted about having to put down her beloved cat. Very sad. It put me right back there with my Simon. It’s been three years and I still miss him. So now I’m all teary-eyed and grieving again. I have Gertrude, whom I love, but she is not at all like Simon, who was in-your-face and very, very annoying most of the time. But he was my best friend for a long time when I was just alone and going through all sorts of trials caused by becoming ill and no longer able to work. He was always there when I came home from whatever unpleasant and humiliating thing I had to do to survive. New Hampshire is NOT the place you want to have this kind of disaster. When they say ‘Live Free or Die’, they really mean it. Live free of any help from us, cause we don’t care if you die or are homeless. I love Massachusetts, whose government does care. Anyway, this is about Simon, and missing him, and being sad and teary, and life sucks, then you die. Well, darn!

>I absolutely agree with the messsage, too. This is why my blog is not really about my illness. It’s about my life in general, because I am NOT my illness, and I don’t want it to be the focus of my life or my conversations. The message applies to anything, life in general. And it’s a cheery vid. (hmmm, maybe I should change my header)

>
Here’s that blog from which I posted an article a few days ago.

http://www.addictinginfo.org/

It was sent to me by a friend and the article just said what I’ve been saying for a long time. I don’t know much about the blog owners, but the blog really does reflect my anger.

But I’m not just angry. I’m also puzzled and saddened. I don’t understand the people referenced in the blog. The right-wing conservatives, Republicans, Tea-Partiers. I don’t get why they are so filled with hate for the rest of us. I don’t understand how they can reconcile their supposed ‘Christianity’ with their NOT wanting to do unto others, NOT wanting to love their neighbors, NOT wanting to help the less-fortunate. Weren’t these the precepts taught by their ‘religion’? I did not think “Greed is good” or “I’ve got mine, so screw you. And by the way, I’m taking yours for myself, too.” was taken from the Bible. I honestly don’t understand what motivates these people. Have they become so distanced from their own humanity that they actually believe they are doing the right thing?

I am saddened that my country has fallen so far from the ideal I was raised to believe it was. I am saddened that I have no idea what to do about it. Signing petitions, posting about things…all well and good. But does any of it really make any kind of difference? I’m not at all sure it does.

I am ashamed and embarrassed by my country’s leaders. The fact that they are so angry and resentful that an actual black person is president that they can’t get out of their own way fast enough to do as much damage as is possible to the presidency. It disgusts me. I scares me. It makes me so disillusioned with them all. The smug look on John Boehner’s (R-OH)face in the picture makes me sick. He looks like he’s thinking, “F*** you, America”, doesn’t he?

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I’ve lost all hope.

>This is funny.

>
Now that I’m (relatively) over myself after yesterday, here’s the headline of an email from my local Freecycle:

OFFER: Misc Children and household items

Miscellaneous children. Hmmmm. Think I’ll have to pass.

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Up all Monday night. Up all day Tuesday. Slept til 4pm Wednesday, then fell asleep on the couch and slept til 7am today. Woke up in pain, as usual, did some stretching, started to cry. I never cry. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to cope with the screwed up sleep, the pain, the inability to do the things I need to do as well as the things I want to do. The just sitting here, living in my cyber-world, because the real world is something I just cannot manage any more. I don’t know how to do this anymore. How to tough it out. How to keep a positive attitude. How to exist in this world of pain and sadness and loneliness. I’ve done it for eleven years, living here in my little box by myself, alone, alone, alone. Just my cat for company. Only rarely going outside. Outside for me is the public main street of my town. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself here people. As much as I try not to do that, sometimes my life just overwhelms me with so much I cannot cope with. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

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EDIT: The site in the link is back as of May 16th.

It’s not serendipity, but what describes this: I’ve found that quite often when I blog something or talk about something with someone, that soon after there will be something related on the net. For example, I just posted my opinion of Republicans a few posts back, and now I have come across this:

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2011/05/04/kill-the-poor-and-other-republican-plans/

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It’s still Friday, and I’ve now been up about 25 hours. Not a record for me, but still. Gorgeous day. I apparently am still in a quiet period, as I seem to have nothing to say. Well, except I miss my life, the one I had before I got sick. Oh, well.

Oh, wait. Facebook. I signed up a few weeks ago, much against my better judgement, and have been cringing ever since. So I finally just deleted the account. There’s nothing there that I can’t live without, and their business practices just make my skin crawl. So goodbye Facebook.

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Still working on the sleep thing  It is never-ending. Is that meant to be hyphenated?  Up all night, slept all day, Up at 3pm.  3pm.  Oi. 

Edit: Trying out the Windows Live blog function. It is pretty simple to use, but not sure what the point is.

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Well, people. (Are you still out there, people?) I have been rather miserable and withdrawn for the past week or so, every day feeling worse than the day before. Guess what? It’s allergies. Allergies were making me miserable. Not sneezing or the normal allergy stuff, but headachy, dizzy, very very tired, and closed down. Allergies. Who knew? Taking allergy pills now, and feeling much, much better. If only there was a pop-up in the brain to let us know what is causing things, life would be so much easier. You know. Something like:
“Windows (your brain) has detected a problem with the operating system. To repair (This info would NEVER pop up in the real Windows) see your doctor for allergy medication”, or thyroid medicine, or whatever will fix whatever is wrong. But no. We are forced to suffer, guess, or trek to the doctor’s with an ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, I just feel terrible.’

Anyway, I am hoping to get back to more regular blogging. We may have had a moment of unity over Bin Laden’s demise, but that doesn’t mean the battles are over. The Republicans still have their ‘do in the poor folks so they’ll just disappear and we can have everything for ourselves’ agenda, and the Democrats are still caving left and right instead of standing up for what is right for the citizens they are supposed to represent. See? I’m better. A little anger coming back. It’s a good thing.

>

This is me lately. Not a lot to say, or motivation to say it. Tired and pain. My life so far.

I did have a nice birthday last week. A friend took me to lunch, then we did a bit of shopping and went for a ride. It’s spring, see the pretty flowering trees and shrubs? Yes. Yes we did.

Saturday I went to another friend’s house and stayed overnight. Birds, pine trees, talk, wine, shushi. Sunday was sitting on the deck, enjoying the sun and the breeze and the cardinals and other birds. Glorious Her husband came home Sunday afternoon with two rainbow trout he’d caught on his fishing trip. We had that and steak with fries for dinner. Steak, my favorite food. All in all, it was a really good weekend and I’m glad I was well enough to go. I have been recovering ever since, but it was worth it.

They say La Nina is causing the really terrible weather this country has been having, but what about the rest of the planet? Climate change is real, people. Be prepared.

I’ve been reading more than ever. A lot of fan fiction (Torchwood/Sherlock), but I also have the free Kindle app from Amazon on my computer, and bought some books and downloaded a bunch of free ones. I really like the Kindle app, so long as they don’t take down my books like they did last year for some users. I forget which book it was, but if you bought it, isn’t it yours? Not in the cyber-world, it seems. Nothing in the cyber-world actually belongs to you, I think. Interesting.

So I’m not in the best frame of mind I’ve ever been in, which means the humor is sadly lacking. I’ll feel better soon, though, she says confidently. LOL

>My friend in Finland sent this to me.

>Crossposted to LJ

Posting the link, but also just the text because there are videos with commercials on the page.

abcnews.go.com/US/rutgers-roommate-charged-invasion-privacy/story

Text only:

By JESSICA HOPPER
April 20, 2011

A college student accused of secretly filming Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi having a same sex encounter in his dorm room just days before Clementi leapt to his death allegedly destroyed evidence and sent false tweets to try and throw off investigators, according to an indictment released today.

Dharun Ravi, a former Rutgers University student, was indicted on 15 counts including charges of invasion of privacy, bias intimidation and tampering with evidence by a grand jury in Middlesex County, N.J. Prosecutors allege that not only did Ravi invade Clementi’s privacy, but he tried to cover it up.

Both Ravi and his alleged accomplice, former Rutgers student Molly Wei, are accused of filming Clementi during a “sexual encounter” in his dorm room with a man and then streaming it live on the Internet.

Evidence against Wei has not yet been presented to a grand jury.

Prosecutors allege that on Sept. 19 of last year, Ravi filmed Clementi with the purpose of intimidating him because of his sexual orientation.

Ravi “disclosed a photograph, film, videotape, recording or other reproduction of the image of [Clementi]…whose intimate parts were exposed,” the indictment reads.

When Ravi became worried about being charged with a crime, he sent false tweets in an attempt “to mislead a public servant who was engaged in such proceeding or investigation,” the indictment reads.

He also attempted to destroy tweets from his twitter feed, prosecutors allege. In addition, the indictment says that Ravi tried to convince other students to not testify against him.
PHOTO: Tyler Clementi and Dharun Ravi
Facebook; West Windsor-Plainsboro High School North/AP Photo
Former Rutgers University student Dharun Ravi, right, shown in this West Windsor-Plainsboro High… View Full Size
Rutgers Offers Gender-Neutral Housing Watch Video
Tyler Clementi’s Parents Plan to Sue Rutgers Watch Video
Rutgers Remembers Tyler Clementi Watch Video

Clementi, an 18-year-old freshman, was so distraught after the streaming of the video, he jumped to his death off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River.

His family released a statement applauding the charges.

“The grand jury indictment spells out cold and calculated acts against our son Tyler by his former college roommate. If these facts are true, as they appear to be, then it is important for our criminal justice system to establish clear accountability under law. We are eager to have the process move forward for justice in this case and to reinforce the standards of acceptable conduct in our society,” said Jane and Joe Clementi in a statement.

Grand Jury Indictment in Rutgers Videotape Case

A talented violinist, Clementi grew up in the New Jersey suburb of Ridgewood, where friends who knew him reeled from his sudden death.

Messages on social networking sites left by Ravi suggest that he may have had an aversion to Clementi’s sexuality from the start of their freshman year.

Ravi tweeted on Aug. 22, “Found out my roommate is gay,” according to Forbes.com, and then posted a link to a gay men’s website where Ravi said Clementi had placed posts.

Gawker reported it was that same website, JustUsBoys, that Clementi was believed to have turned to once he found out that Ravi had secretly filmed Clementi’s sexual encounter with another man.

“So my question is what is next,” the posted cti2mo, believed to be Clementi, wrote on Sept. 21. “I could just be more careful next time … make sure to turn the cam away.”

In the same post, “I’m kind pissed at him (rightfully so I think, no?)”

Since Clementi’s death, a message reading “in loving memory” appears next to the handle “cit2mo.”

A Twitter page that appears to have been operated by Ravi but has since been taken offline shows messages in which the accused student takes credit for the alleged videotaping of Clementi.

Ravi apparently tweeted about his roommate on Sept. 19 before live streaming Clementi’s sexual encounter, writing, “Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into Molly’s room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.”

And two days later, another message went out to Ravi’s 148 Twitter followers: “Anyone with iChat, I dare you to video chat me between the hours of 9:30 and 12. Yes it’s happening again.”

The next day, a chilling post from Clementi showed up on his Facebook page. He wrote in a message dated Sept. 22 at 8:42 p.m., “Jumping off the gw bridge sorry.”

ABC News’ Emily Friedman contributed to this report.

>Big Brother, anyone?

Got an iPhone or 3G iPad? Apple is recording your moves – O'Reilly Radar

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Because I cannot understand the people who voted for these Republicans. Might as well stick your own hand in the meat grinder, for as much benefit as your going to get from right-wing tea-party conservatives. Is it just me? http://maddowblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/04/15/6478241-gop-abandons-political-middle-democrats-happy-to-move-in