Not enough to do any good, but some is better than none, I guess. Bad night, couldn’t sleep, bad day, lots of pain and slept some this morning and again this afternoon. Had plans, things I wanted to get done. I should know better than to ever make plans, because my body always steps up and says, ‘Nope. Not happening.’ Stupid body.

Just finished another good book. Mrs. Saint and the Defectives, by Julie Lawson Timmer. Right before that one was The Storied Life of A.J.Fikry, by Gabrielle Zevin. Not your usual run-of-the-mill books, but interesting and quirky and really good, both of them. One of the Amazon downloads I mentioned a while back was really, really good, too. About a gay Muslim man and his struggles with his life and his family, but not in a negative depressing way. I liked it a lot and couldn’t put it down. It is This Way Out, by Tufayel Ahmed. I found all three of these to be very good reads.

Anastasia Neibauer

Reading helps a lot when you are not feeling great, taking your mind off your moanie-groanies. I’ll try to remember to post books I’ve read and like more often. ๐Ÿ™‚


Some of the leaves on the trees across the street are dying. The trees have looked a bit wonky for a week or so, and yesterday there was one yellow leaf on one tree, and today there are quite a few leaves on both that are just done. We are in a severe drought here in Mass., and we have had droughts in New England before, but I never remember anything like leaves just up and dying from lack of moisture. I took a couple of pictures, but they seem to have vanished. Weird.


So well. After that relatively okay day, it was just pain every day. Body pain, not fibro pain. No idea what the problem is. It’s been great weather though, but still no rain. Anyway, here’s today so far. It is about 6:30 pm. Up at 9, took a shower, fed cat, was going to make coffee but needed to sit a bit first. Sat til noon or 1pm, ate some crackers and peanut butter during that time, since they are here on the coffee table from last night. Then I had a nap. Til 4pm. Messed about on laptop, got dressed, am now cooking some corn dogs (I love corn dogs with mustard) in the toaster oven and drinking a root beer with some half and half in it. Taste like a float, but no need for ice cream. ๐Ÿ™‚ So now I’m awake, not in too much pain, and have a bit of energy. Now. In a couple of months it will be pitch dark at this time of day. Do I really want this to be my morning? No. How do I change this? I have tried everything I’ve ever come across and nothing works. I’d just like to have a ‘normal’ day where I can do what’s needed, and some of just what I want to do as well. But noooo. Thanks for nothing, Mother Nature.


I have made a connection between weather and how I feel. It is 30 degrees cooler today, and I am feeling much less pain and more energy. Nothing has changed but the temp/humidity levels. Maybe I will get something done. Hey, it could happen. Possibly maybe. There is some food prep I need to do for some things I want to make. Tuna burgers. I need to chop celery and cube cheddar, and chop some onion I think. Then there is this Jiffy cornbread mix thing I make with cubed deli ham, crushed pineapple, whole kernel corn, and a mix of melted butter, mustard and brown sugar in the bottom of the baking dish. Very tasty.

My garbage disposal has given up on me. No idea why, but there is just no power when I flip the switch. Kitchen lights haven’t worked for years, and the filters have not been change nor the ducts cleaned in an even longer time. So no air conditioner all summer. I do like the foot-thick walls, and the trees outside my windows, but it would be nice if we had actual maintenance again, and a landlord who did his landlord job, which is NOT just collecting money from us, in spite of what he may think.

Signed up for a free trial of PBS Living, and last night I watched the first ever episode of The French Chef. Made me laugh. She talked about how it’s okay to use a towel for something since we have electric washing machines now, and she mentioned the ‘icebox’, which is what we all used to call it back when. We had an actual ice box when I was a kid in Colorado. And an iceman that we used to chase after for ice chips, just like in the old movies. God, I am old. But I learned a lot from that show way back when we first moved here.

Then I watched the first episode of Great Performances: Now Hear This, which was about Vivaldi and violins. I love The Four Seasons, but had never really heard it explained what exactly I was hearing. Dogs barking, cuckoos cuckooing. It was amazing and such beautiful music. The host visited several violin makers in Italy, and then played one movement on all four of them. One in particular had such a gorgeous, almost haunting sound to it. If you like classical at all, I highly recommend this program. I plan to watch it again, that’s how much I l liked it.

Another great show is Weekends With Yankee. OMG New England is beautiful. So beautiful. I have never regretted for one second moving here. Some snaps from the second episode. Hope they don’t mind.

Fall in Maine
Fall in New Hampshire

And this is just because yes. Yes I do.


I did know that. Almost missed my friend’s anniversary yesterday, because I am very out-to-lunch mentally lately. Once my therapists stopped coming, I fell into a sort of ‘wtf is the point of anything anyway?’ mentality. Stopped doing everything. Stopped caring. But today, I am a bit back to ‘normal’, I think. It always takes a while to get used to being alone all the time. But I do it, eventually.

Having more pain again, too, and still tired all the time. Apparently it can take months to recover from severe blood loss, and already having a chronic illness does not help with that recovery.

I have been watching movies. Signed up for free trials of some streamers and am watching whatever looked good before the trials are over. There are some good movies out there, in spite of all the Marvel and DC dreck taking up so much space. After Yang, Columbus, Summerland are just a few really good ones I watched. Slow, slow, slow movies. Very little action. Took a bit of adjusting expectations and patience, but worth it. Also watched The Conversation with Gene Hackman, another slow movie, and really weird and did not love it. Whenever I see Gene Hackman, I remember seeing him once on some show, talking about being a small boy and watching his father drive away, leaving the family forever. Broke my heart. You never get over trauma like that. I wondered, as I watched the movie, if his father ever saw him being a famous actor, or did he just forget about his son altogether. Very sad.

We are under yet another heat advisory here in Mass. I have been pretty fortunate in that where I live has foot thick walls and the heat so far has not penetrated them. A couple of fans is all I’ve needed. Only two days did I really notice it was hot and sticky in here. Think of all the money I saved not using the a/c, too. Thinking I might call housing to ask if I can have the filters changed and the ducts cleaned and deduct the cost from the rent. Maybe get the kitchen lights fixed, too, if I can do deducting stuff. Probably not, but I can dream.

Bought a ten pound bag of Blue Buffalo Wilderness no grain no chicken for Miss G, since they have discontinued some of the flavors I was getting and I wanted to get something good for her. This one is salmon, venison, halibut. No duck or pheasant or rabbit or any of the other things I used to get. Fish. Oh, well. No grain and no chicken is important, I think.

I have been a bit unfocused, along with everything else. Can’t think what to do next, or what needs doing. Want to do a grocery order, but just looking at all the choices, my brain says it’s time for a rest break. Lots of reading going on. Some weird books out there. There was a free amazon download a while back, and some of those books I would never have chosen, but turned out to be pretty good or at least interesting. Don’t know where I’d be if I couldn’t read. It fills all the time I am in pain or too exhausted to move, so I am not just laying here being miserable. Reading is a very good thing. That’s it for now. Be safe, people. Wear your masks.


What happened? I had a good day. I cleared off the table. I rearranged the kitchen and got the cart out of there finally. Of course that means everything is now in the bedroom, but it’s kind of just the box room now, anyway. I sleep on the couch. Tomorrow may be a unable to move kind of day, but I got things done. You cannot imagine how good that feels after so long being barely functional. Pictures. That one of the floor is my homemaker’s idea of clean. She’s really nice, though. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I need to get a wall-mount lamp. The overhead lights do not work, and the landlord does not care. ๐Ÿ™‚

There was a cart there with the microwave and toaster oven and it was such a pain to move it everytime I needed to open the dishwasher. So gone. Finally. Still a work in progress which is why the stove is a mess.
That’s the flower pot that is corroding or something. It’s going out. Way out.
NOT a clean floor, but I just love the cat dish.


With more than just exhaustion and weakness, though. In many ways, I am better than I was before the hospital. Much less pain, back is better, less brain fog. All good things, but all make me realize how limited my life has become. I want to go to Target and get a couple of bath towels I found on line. I can’t go to Target. How would I get there? Would I have enough energy to get back home after. Taking the bus needs a lot of energy. I have never used Lyft, although my DD encourages me to try it. I am leery of doing things alone, because when I get tired, my brain stops working and I can’t think of how/what/when/why. My friend that I used to do things with has made a lot of new friends and has a whole new life now, one I am no longer really part of. One of the hazards of chronic illness, people drop away, and you are just left behind. I should be used to it. I am used to it. It’s still hard, though. So, as one of my children once said, ‘oh, let’s all feel sorry for mom.’ But don’t. Not looking for pity, just there is no one to talk to and so here I am.

On a much brighter note, the myofascial release my therapist did on my hip actually seems to have completely fixed the problem. No more pain, no keeping me awake cause I can’t get comfortable. It took about five or ten minutes in one spot on my hip, and voila! Miracles happen, it seems.

Today is meant to be the hottest of this run, and tomorrow will start to cool down. According to Wunderground ten-day forecast, anyway. Still okay with windows open and just a fan blowing on me. Yay.

I cooked. Bacon. And baked a potato. Have not cooked in some time. And I think it’s all ready now, so lunch it is. Or late breakfast. Got up at noon, cause I was really, really tired.

Stay safe, wear your masks, and if you’re living in this heat, drink a lot of water. d:)


I am getting better. Finally. Was able to do a few things yesterday, dishes, clean off the stove, move a couple of small things. Better. And today, the Occupational Therapist had some helpful exercises to do to get my body moving more easily first thing, when it is always hardest to walk or stand straight or whatever. She also did some gentle massage on my back, and then I could stand straight and walk easily. Wow! I am impressed. Really hope it lasts, but not going to hold my breath. LOL

It is very hot and icky outside, but I still have the windows open and just a fan blowing on me and am quite comfortable. Amazing. I refuse to use the central air because the filters have not been changed nor the ducts cleaned in several years, and not likely to happen any time soon. Landlords. Not my favorite group of people. Someone pointed out that dirty ducts and filters could be a fire hazard, too. Oh, yay. I’m sure other people in my building probably are using the central air, and their filters and ducts have not been cleaned, either.

My DD and her S.O., and two of my good friends all have covid. They are all vaccinated and I know my DD is super cautious, so be as safe as you possibly can. Wear your mask, even if you think you don’t need to. The life you save could be yours, or it could be someone you love. This is apparently not going away and just keeps mutating, so the idea that it’s over is just not true. Sucks, I know, but it is what it is and we need to learn to live it it I guess.

Wish it would rain. It used to rain for days at a time, but that never happens any more. I like rain. Drat. Oh, well. Be safe, be kind, and have as much fun as you possibly can every single day.


โ€œWhen the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace.โ€ โ€” Jimi Hendrix

So, I have been kind of struggling with the weakness and fatigue, but I do have moments here and there where I feel pretty okay. Finally got the VNA to visit and am going to get in-home physical therapy and possibly occupational therapy, too. The first to help me regain strength, and the second, which I really hope I get, to help me figure out how to do things more efficiently with severe fatigue. Not getting a home health aide, but that’s okay, because I am better than I have been so ca really get by without. Would like more homemaker time. I mean, I have the hours, there just isn’t anyone to fill them. One thing that is NOT helping is that I cannot tolerate the iron pills. They really mess up my stomach, so just have to figure out iron-rich foods that don’t need a lot of prep, and eat them. The nurse said Cream of Wheat has iron. Cream of Wheat. Seriously? LOL

Been ordering from Walmart for grocery delivery. Cannot eat one more salad, so got some frozen meals instead. And cut up fresh fruit. VNA nurse said it’s probably not a good idea to be eating too many salads anyway with diverticulosis, which made me happy. I really do not like salad. At least not ones with cut-up iceberg or romaine lettuce as the main ingredient. Ick.

Still plugging along, anyway. My friend Ed put together my two end tables that had been sitting in their boxes in the bedroom for two years, so that was nice.

Blue drawers is what I was using for an end table. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Nice day. So far it’s been a pretty good summer. There have been hot and sticky days, but it really hasn’t affected me in here, even with the windows open and just a fan blowing on me. Been quite comfy, and Miss G does not seem to be suffering from the weather either. One year I called the house-call vet because I thought something was wrong with Simon, but it was just the heat. Poor baby. I still miss him. He was such a great companion.

My Simon

My DD’s SO just came down with Covid, in spite of them being super-cautious, so wear your masks, people. My mask keeps you safe, your mask keeps me safe. Or so I read the other day. In other words, don’t be a dick. Thank you for those words, Wil Wheaton. ๐Ÿ™‚


years ago and just found here: This is a fantastic book, he was just so clever figuring out what was going on, and I still think about it sometimes. Check it out.

“The Cuckooโ€™s Egg: Tracking A Spy Through The Maze Of Computer Espionage by Cliff Stoll

This book is a bona fide classic that kicked off the sub-genre of books about hackers. It follows Stoll as he realizes the threat presented by a rogue coder named Hunter, figures out how to track him, and gets down to stopping the bad guy.”


Just resting. Weird cat is weird.

Still very tired and weak. Some days I think I am getting better, other days I know I am not. It’s going to be a long, slow process, I think. Not looking good for getting any other services besides my two-hour weekly homemaker, but still hoping. Now taking iron supplements and yesterday just started potassium supplements, so I am hoping they will make a difference, and soon. I don’t know if it’s just the blood loss, or if it’s that anything that happens seems to exacerbate the fibromyalgia and it’s a combination of both. Whatever, I just want to feel better and be able to function again. Yesterday, walking to the door from the couch and back when my homemaker came was totally exhausting.

Yes, it’s a mess, but there’s the door

Got my new phone a few days ago. Been playing around with it, but have not changed the sim card over yet. Last new phone had glitches and I returned it, so happy that I had not changed the card right off the bat. Make sure everything works first. This one is a Moto Stylus, which is weird in one way, but kind of cool in another. The stylus slides up the right side of the phone and is very, very thin. My old phone is having some issues, and I really needed a replacement. Moto phones are pretty inexpensive, but they do what I want and generally work really well till I have worn them out. LOL I still miss my Nokia flip phone which was my first phone. DD2 gave it to me way back when. I loved that little phone. Of course, it wasn’t ‘smart’ but the phone part was the important bit back then. How quickly we become dependent on these little wonders. I have a reminder with alarm, voice recorder, note pad, google keep, One Note, a sticky note widget, weather apps, Kindle (Which was so handy for reading my books in the hospital. Put it on battery saver and it does not disturb anyone else with light shining, and is so easy to swipe to next page. Love it.). I have a scanner, a couple of games, and Dropbox as well. Everything I need, something that was definitely proved to me while I was in hospital.

Anyway, hoping hoping hoping to get better sometime in the near future. We’ll see how that goes. Trying to do what’s needed, eating salad after salad after salad, two bananas a day for the potassium, oatmeal, lots of water. It’s hard to eat so much food, though, I will say. Oh, and berries. Berries are apparently really good for you. I like raspberries and blackberries. In my mind blueberries are for cooking, but I’m sure I will be eating them raw as well. It’s almost blueberry season here in Mass. We used to pick them in the woods. Free blueberries. It’s a good thing.

Things I’m Supposed To Eat

Be safe, people.

Little Update

It’s been an interesting week. Weak. I have been extremely weak and tired, and am now gradually getting a bit better. Wasn’t eating enough at first, because I was too weak to do much getting things to eat, but my friend got me some ready-made salads and things and that helped. Wednesday was meant to have the blood work to check my hemoglobin levels but there was a screw-up with the order so had to have that done Friday. Did get to see my new doctor though, and really like her. It was a total fiasco of a day; the blood work order screw up, their computers were down, they were way behind, she was late for something important that she’d already had to reschedule twice, and yet she took the time to talk to me, ask questions, answer mine and kind of just chat a bit as well. My last few doctors have been more ‘here’s a pill, I’m busy, bye’ but she was the total opposite. We were there for three and a half hours altogether, though, so that was fun.

I finally got hold of my caseworker, who had not gotten any of my messages due to a new phone system filled with glitches, apparently, but she is getting me a LifeLine thingy that is being installed today and is trying to see what other services she can get me. Then Tufts, my Medicaid insurance, called and is doing even more. I may not qualify for anything, but at least they are trying. Nice to know someone knows I am here and need more assistance than I am getting, and is trying to do something about it. Sometimes I feel like it’s just me out here on my own. I know that’s not really the case, but it does sometimes seem like it is.

My friends Tess and Ed have really stepped up, too. Helping in any and every way they can. I worry that it will get to be too much, but Tess says no, they are happy to be there for me. My friends Beth and John are great at stepping up as well when they can. I am truly fortunate with my friends. I only wish I could somehow reciprocate, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do back. I hope being grateful is enough for now. ๐Ÿ™‚

It is a gorgeous, gorgeous day. My bit of the country seems to be in a good weather pocket and all the heat and miserableness give us a pass. Hope it stays that way. DD1 lives in Albuquerque, and it has been horrid there. She said every growing thing is dying because of absolutely NO moisture anywhere, and then it rained night before last. She said it rained for quite a long time, too. Not enough to fix everything, but better than nothing. I was getting pretty worried about her. I do not do well in heat, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either when it gets above a certain temperature. I try not to get angry about it, but they have been telling us for decades that this was all going to happen if we didn’t start doing things differently, and no one cared so long as it didn’t directly affect them at the moment, or worse, they were rolling in the dough as if money would matter when you are dying of thirst or whatever. God, humans are stupid. Sorry, but we really, really are.

Anyway, I seem to be on the med, most of my blood work came back good, except for the actual blood, which I am very, very anemic and am getting iron supplements today, and need to eat more meat and Iron-rich foods. Actually, there’s a whole list of foods I should be eating for the diverticulosis, too. Loads of fresh fruits and berries and veg, for example. I am trying, but I need ready-to-eat things like the salads, and those are mainly iceberg or romaine with a few toppings.

Trader Joe’s and Market Basket have some good ones, but they are both too far away for my homemaker to shop at. I am on the mend, is the main thing, so happy days, I guess. ๐Ÿ™‚ Stay safe. Wear your masks.

So Something Happened

I would advise you if you are squeamish to just skip this post. It involves blood and rectums.

Athol Home Gardens, Athol, MA. Helios 44M-4 58mm f/2.0 lens on Sony A7

Wasn’t sure about posting this, but it’s part of my life, so. The first picture is Gertrude watching me get ready to take a shower this morning. Either because she was glad I’m back and wanted to make sure I didn’t disappear again, or curious to see if I was going to wind up on the floor again. The second one is spacer for the squeamish.

So I had to pee about an hour after dinner Tuesday. Oh, my, diarrhea. Surely I did not eat THAT much. Suddenly got very weak and dizzy, but seemed to be done so stood up. Not diarrhea. Blood. Lots and lots of blood, with bonus clots. Leaned on sink, woke up on floor. Too weak to stand, crawled to living room to get cell to call ambulance. Funny aside here, as I was crawling, Gertrude was walking along side and kept looking at me as if to say, “Why are you on the floor? What is happening here? I am confused.”

Called ambulance and just lay there, too weak move. EMT’s come, cannot move, had to pick me up to put me in the transport chair. Too weak to move because I was still bleeding. Fortunately, rug was spared. Oh, was sick while waiting but again fortunately had dragged wastebasket with me cause I was thinking some kind of food poisoning. Sick in ambulance, too, where they gave me antinausea meds and poked me full of holes for iv’s.

Get to Er where I am given a diaper and de-clothed and gowned. More poking and iv’s and blood draws and painful exam. Doctor suggests rectal bleed is caused by diverticulosis, which usually causes pain but rarely just bleeds. Except for the treatments, I was pain free, thank goodness. Anyway, after a very long time I was admitted and moved upstairs. Still bleeding some next morning and more clots, but getting better. Had to have help for any and everything because I was so weak. Lots of blood tests to determine if my hemoglobin was going down still in case of internal bleeding. But bleeding stopped, and by Friday my hemoglobin count was going back up, so I am home. Gertrude was happier to see Ed, her favorite person, than she was me. Thanks for nothing, Gertrude. And I wa so worried about her but Tess checked in with her every day. Tess and Ed brought me home, too. I am so lucky to have amazing friends.

There is nothing to be done for diverticulosis, it seems, but I have been advised to get more exercise (right. Fibro exhaustion, people.) Eat lots of fresh fruit and veg, whole grains, chicken and fish are okay, beans are good. So was very anxious last night after everyone left. DD 2 had come down, which I did not want her to do but was so happy she did. But anxious, I turned on Hulu and watched Castle and The Orville and a few other things to take my mind off it. Was hungry but nervous about eating. Wound up with peanut butter on toast. Extremely weak today after shower. Can barely walk with cane, just hobbling along in very short trips. Was much better yesterday. Too much excitement, though. Tess came over for a bit today, too, and that was really great not to be alone. Also, I had the best nurse on the planet and a really great doctor, too. Sturdy rules! So that’s it. Be safe. Wear your masks and help keep your friends and neighbors alive.


From Bored Panda:

Fun word fact: Zeugma is a Greek word which generically means ‘to join’ (the city is named for a pontoon bridge which links the land across the nearby Euphrates river). Today, ‘zeugma’ is used to describe a word which does double-duty in a sentence by affecting two subjects at once, usually with different definitions of that same word. For example, “The tiles and the archeologists were both floored by these ancient artisans.” Troux


I just order the new Barnes and Noble Nook. It is lit, like Kindle Paperwhite, BUT it has side clickers. The reason I hate the Paperwhite and gave away the one I bought way back when. Touch screens are not fun or easy, in my opinion, and I avoid them as much as possible. I could just jump up and down right about now. LOL

Good day yesterday, caseworker came, friend came for a brief visit, did a bit of organizing in the kitchen. Today I got up at noon, and was in a fog for most of the time until about an hour ago.

Gertrude got a bunch of new toys yesterday, which she seems bored with already. How to get that girl to move. I just don’t know. I shut the bedroom door so she at least can’t sleep in there all day, as she has been doing. Think I will just open it at night for a while.

So that’s the excitement for today. Stay safe, everyone. Wear your mask.


Is busting out all over. It is 64f, cloudy, and breezy. NOT hot and sticky, so a good day. I have been in such a slump lately, and cannot seem to talk myself out of it. A couple of nights ago, I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, and I havenโ€™t had one in years. Managed to do deep breathing and stopPed it in itโ€™s tracks. I realized that it happened because I have been feeling like my life is spinning out of control. My recent doctors have pretty much ignored me, my new rheumatologist has not, after an entire week and messages left by me, called in the scrip for prednisone that I will be out of in two days and do doctors not know that you cannot just stop taking it without serious things happening. Do they just not care. This is the third doctor I have been trying to get a scrip from. House is messy, cause homemaker did not come last time and I cannot vac, etc. And to top it all off, Blue Buffalo has apparently just stopped making two of the cat food flavors I get for Miss G. So she is getting 1/3 the amount I ordered. She has only had these foods since she moved in at not quite three months old, and she will be three years old this month. She is very, very healthy, according to her vet, so I really donโ€™t want to change her food.

So what did I do to regain some feeling of control? I wiped my iPad and started over. Hey, whatever helps, right?