Been advised to get with it and write something. So. Tried a new med, which I think is generic Cymbalta. It is used for pain as a secondary thing, so doctor advised me to ‘stop being afraid of side-effects’ and just try it. Well, I am the one who gets the side effect every time, but decided to brave it. Nope. First pill, I was awake for almost two days. Waited a few days, second pill awake but not as long, but my blood pressure sky-rocketed. I could feel my head throbbing. Have a cuff bp thing and at one point it was 200 over 190. Not sure exactly how accurate the thing is, but the next day it had gone back to 127 over I forget what, 80 something I think. Not taking that one again. I do tell my doctor that if the odds of getting a side-effect are a million to one, I will be the one. I once took a sleep aid that made me hyper, like being on speed, which I inadvertently took once because it was prescribed by my doctor at the time. He did not mention it was speed and I forget why he prescribed it but it was a very interesting experience. Got a lot done, too. Anyway, it did not help me get to sleep. Duh.

So felt lousy for a few days, because I do feel lousy a lot, then had some stomach issues with pain and everything going through me. Four days of that. On the bright side, I lost ten pounds. In the meantime, my new homemaker came. I get a different homemaker almost every time lately. Worst agency ever. Anyway, sent him to store for four (4) items. He did not return. Was kind of freaking out after an hour and a half, he has my security door and mailbox keys, I will have to call the landlord, what if he’s in an accident, should I call the police, what???? Did call the agency but can only leave messages. Someone called me back (wow) and she could tell me when he got here, when he left for the store, but not where he is at this moment. And then he showed up. IDEK. He said the store did not have everything I wanted so he went to another store. But the receipt is from the store I sent him to and he got all the items and paid two hours after he left here. ??? He is very nice though. But then yesterday I was assured he was to come at 11:30 but he had not shown up at 1pm so I called the agency. I should have called to tell then he was late. No, because every time, you say person will come at such and such a time, but when they arrive however much later, their schedule is completely different than what you said. Frustration. Anyway so no homemaker so far this week, hoping he will actually show up tomorrow. Also had to cancel my organizer person because of being sick earlier in the week.

Then, my laptop has stopped loading the screen. It loads half way and then has a bunch of vibrating lines and the bottom half is black. Unplugged, let sit a couple days, no change. Cannot remove battery like used to do with older laptops. Looked up fixes, none of which worked. Cranked up the old HP, which is what I am using now. So small, but as soon as I signed in and it brought up win10, I just gave a huge sigh of relief. I hate win11 with a passion, so am very happy to be using win10 again.

THEN my phone has stopped holding a charge for more than half a day or so. Ordered a new phone from Samsung that I had seen in Best Buy but didn’t get at the time. Excitement. Got an email they cancelled the order because of some issue with my info, even though my credit card authorized the charge. Waited a week, order again. Same thing. Wound up ordering it from Walmart, which was a pain in itself. Really hope it lives up to my expectations after all that. Supposed to be delivered Saturday. My friend will bring it over Sunday if it does show up. I have things sent to her house because packages are just dumped in the outer lobby with not even a buzz to let you know. And they get stolen. So everything goes to her house.

On the other hand, the trees are working on blooming, it is in the low 60’s, and a beautiful day. And I am not feeling too bad today, either. So yay. That’s all.

There is just so much going wrong, in my state, in my country, on my planet. Our planet. Your planet. The only home we have.

Here is Massachusetts, there is serious violence in Brockton schools. Teenagers are running wild and being destruction in Saphora stores. What the heck is Saphora? Not a store I am aware of, but kids running wild in any context is not a good thing.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/call-national-guard-help-high-school-violence-stirs-controversy-massac-rcna139584

https://www.buzzfeed.com/meganeliscomb/sephora-kids-gen-alpha

Apparently, young people are becoming more and more destructive and unruly and belligerent. I get that. Look at the world we have given them. Look at the prospects they have for a future. Religious fanatics taking over their country, rich white men keeping all the wealth and robbing them of even a hope for a decent life with enough food, shelter, etc. So many countries on the planet going the same way. Global warming, whether you can see it is real or not, is happening as we speak, and kids see that the world we knew is not the world they are going to live in as adults. It is already not the world I lived in for most of my life. I would be acting out, too. We need to come up with solutions, and ways to give hope to the generations coming up. But no. We are too absorbed by greed to care about anything but making more money. Profit is the only thing that matters, it seems. I do not know how to fix this.

And I can sit here and watch my favorite tv show, enjoying my snacks, petting my cat, being safe and warm and sheltered, while at the exact same moment, people are being massacred in Palestine. And not only in Palestine. Other countries are suffering the same fate. Genocide is occurring at the same moment I am laughing at a tv show. How do I cope with this? How do I integrate the knowledge that some of my fellow humans are seemingly gleefully murdering other fellow humans? Making videos of cooking and eating the food left in the houses of the people they have just murdered. How does anyone deal with this? We seem to have regressed as a species to something that should have sunk into the mud and vanished eons ago.

We have serious problems with the climate. Once the earth warms to a not-life-sustainable for humanity level, none of the crap people are doing to one another is going to matter in the least. Survival will be all, which again will just engender more genocide, because we always fight over resources, instead of coming up with ways to help all of us. Instead of working to change what we are still doing that is causing the global warming in the first place. No, it’s everything for me and to hell with the rest of you. Humans do not seem to know how to work together for the common good. Look at those rich white men who have more wealth that they could possibly ever need even if they were immortal. Do they use it to better their fellow humans? Any other life on this planet? Nope, they hoard it and work to get more and more. They are the embodiment of Scrooge in his vault playing in his money. I keep telling myself not to care about any of this, because I cannot do anything about it so why just make myself miserable. But children are being denied food and health care and women are being relegated to second-class citizens with no rights yet again, and people are being persecuted because of their skin color or who they love or just because they have no money, mostly through no fault of their own. Because whole populations are being murdered indiscriminately right now, this very second, and how can I ignore these things and still call myself a human being? I just want to give up. But I cannot allow myself to do that without destroying my very being.

Concurring with the majority opinion, Chief Justice Tom Parker wrote: “Even before birth, all human beings have the image of God, and their lives cannot be destroyed without effacing his glory.”

From here:https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-68366337

I believe religion is not meant to be part of government, and passing laws based on a particular religion, which not all citizens belong to, is especially offensive. How is this even allowed to happen?

Couple quotes from OMG Barry Goldwater. DuckDuckGo him if you have no idea. Even people we don’t like can sometimes have good opinions.

“The specter of single-issue religious groups is growing over our land. … One of the great strengths of our political system always has been our tendency to keep religious issues in the background. By maintaining the separation of church and state, the United States has avoided the intolerance which has so divided the rest of the world with religious wars.

Barry Goldwater“

“When you say “radical right” today, I think of these moneymaking ventures by fellows like Pat Robertson and others who are trying to take the Republican Party away from the Republican Party, and make a religious organization out of it. If that ever happens, kiss politics goodbye.

Barry Goldwater“

Unfortunately for the rest of us, they seem to have succeeded. This is very bad for our country, people. We do not need an American version of the Taliban. It matters that you vote. It especially matters who you vote for. Vote Democrat. Please. Biden is not perfect, but OMG he is so much better than the other democracy-destroying choice. Unless of course you think living under religious rule is a good thing, in which case, maybe consider moving to a country that already does that and leave ours alone.

Everything connected to the internet; laptop, phone, firestick, is so so so slow recently. For a month or more. And getting slower. Is this because I have a discount price due to being poor? Is something up with the router? I have reset it, but it did not help. So anyway, i did some speed tests. Here are the results. I just did them all, just now, one right after the other.

spectrum says 223 and 371 Next one says 403 and 421 VERIZON says 907 and 942. Surprise, surprise. Verizon is my provider. And I cannot crop the pictures, or get rid of them, so replaced them with my own brand of ‘OMG, this country is such a disaster.’

So here is my disaster of a post for today. It is not going well people. Not going well at all.

From Tumblr. Like any of this ever happens. Not in my experience, anyway. And a new homemaker just showed up. Was unaware she was coming, because the agency never tells me anything. Oh, well. No mask, no gloves. That is just not on so now she is wearing a mask and gloves. Sheesh! 

Doesn’t matter a whit, but I am watching ‘Julia’ on Max. I love Julia Child. I learned a lot watching her show. I even made her French Onion soup. Once. Caramelizing onions is NOT a quick and easy task, regardless of what today’s youtube videos tell you It takes a LONG time. Anyway, Julia. Here is her in real life, on The French Chef tv show. A tall, slim woman. 

Here she is as portrayed by Sarah Lancashire, an actress I actually like, on MAX.

Personally, I find this offensive. They try to replicate her high voice, badly, and made her seem kind of ditzy at points. I don’t know. I am watching it all the while I am hating the portrayal of an icon who taught zillions of us how to cook. Just saying.

Also, we are having a SNOWSTORM. Winter still exists here in New England, thank goodness. Here is the tree across the street last night, looking like it is budding. It’s not even the middle of February, Mother Nature. Sheesh!

And here is today.

Ex-homemaker had to take her mom to hospital, so did not come yesterday. And I have been in a lot of pain again, and it suddenly occurred to me this morning that since I rarely go out anymore, I had completely forgotten about recovery days, that happen after I have been out and about or done a lot around the house. Which almost never happens anymore. But anyway, it is a normal part of fibro, and I just forgot. My friends are coming over today with a few groceries I needed and will take out the trash for me. Yay for good friends. Then I need to load the dishwasher and wash my water bottles in it, and hopefully have enough energy to make fish chowder, which once you have peeled and diced the potatoes is a really easy process. I like soup. Have not made fish chowder in years, and my friend went to the Union Oyster House in Boston the other day and had the chowder, which she loved,and that got me thinking about making it. So there. :)

Going through my folder, I have a LOT of pictures. HAD a lot of pictures, got rid of tons of them. But I noticed I have a lot of pictures of Obama and Biden, and I asked myself why, and why don’t I want to get rid of them. Oh, it reminds me of when we had hope. I miss that. 

Bad night. Lots of pain. More, but different pain today. Do not think it’s related to the MRI, just the walking and whatever involved in a day out, which I don’t get to do very often. But ow. I have had pain at the 10 level. Not fun. At all.

Ex-homemaker is coming today, working for me, not the agency. Just for an hour to vac and take the trash out and all. The agency has totally messed up everything. First, my homemaker was scheduled so poorly that there is no room left for me and a couple other clients. New homemaker was meant to come Wednesday and Friday, but asked to change Friday to Thursday because MRI Friday. She did not come either day. My caseworker spoke to them and it seems she quit and they were unaware. So they told caseworker that they would call me about a new person starting next week. Getting ready to go out yesterday when the buzzer goes. Twice. I do not buzz people in if I am not expecting anyone. Immediately get a phone call and it is the agency saying the new homemaker is outside. I told you I have an MRI today. Twice. Oh, yes, I remember, she says. So is this the new homemaker and when will she come next week? Oh, she is a fill-in, I will ask if she wants to do an hour or so next week for you, she says. She told my caseworker a new person will start next week. Blatant lie, it seems. Caseworker says all the agencies are like this now. So I am possibly left without a homemaker again. Sheesh. AND I got a letter saying that since I got a social security raise, my SNAP benefit is being cut by 20 %. My soc sec increased by 3.2 % if I calculated correctly. Once, I wound up with less money over all after soc sec went up. They recalculate my portion of the rent and it did not go well for me that year. Your government is NOT your friend. I get discount internet because old and poor, and the government funding for that is about to expire, because those rich old white men in the government really need that money more than I do. Or you do. You read about other countries, and what they do for their citizens, even the not old and poor ones, and you realize how badly we are treated in this country. The rich make the rules, which always means less for us and more for them. Vote blue. Biden is old, but he is not evil. He does at least attempt to make life better for us. Trump only wants to make life better for himself. Vote blue. There, I said it again. :)

Had it done today. Not bad. Took awhile, as they injected me with something part way through and did more whatever an MRI does. Had ear plugs and head phone type noise blockers. Did not seem to take as long as it did, either, so that was good. Will find out tomorrow or Monday what the results show. I had an MRI way back when I first got sick, because they thought I had something it turned out I did not have, instead it was Fibromyalgia, but the MRI showed lesions on my brain which indicate MS, but I don’t have that. Am interested to see if they are still there or more or bigger or what. Also interested to see if it shows a reason for the pain I get on one side of my head. I’m having it cause the ear doctor said when they did the test, something seem odd on the left side. So after years of telling doctors that something is wrong in my head and getting the brush off, finally an MRI.  Machine was something like this. I am not claustrophobic and keep my eyes closed the entire time, so it is not at all an unpleasant experience. Was actually pretty comfortable. 

Was a nice day. Needed a light coat, but sunny and not a cloud in the sky. Great to have that after eons of gray days. Got my new socks today, too. So cute. 

And OMG, this is a turtle.

Had to take my mask off for the MRI, but that’s life. Be safe, though, people, and wear yours. Save a life.

Here: https://www.tumblr.com/massachusetts-official

My insurance has an online therapy benefit. It’s an 8 week cognitive behavioural therapy. Learning skills to cope with the way my life is. Had the first session today. Learned I am coping rather well, surprisingly enough, but then I have had 25 years with chronic illness to learn. Interesting things: Setting goals. I don’t have goals. I cannot have goals because I live in the moment, and almost never think ahead or plan ahead, because I never know even in the same day if I am going to be able to do something I had agreed to do. Decide to go shopping with a friend this afternoon? Have to cancel because when I agreed I was physically able and before the time arrived, I was no longer physically able. Chronic, painful, exhausting, debilitating illness can be fun. Not. LOL Reaching out: I am terrible at that, because I always think the other person has their own problems and they don’t need to be listening to mine. Also, I was cut out of a friend’s life once for being ‘too needy’. I wasn’t, but she saw it that way. Therapist today said maybe she was projecting on me problems in her own life, but that just makes a stronger argument for not reaching out. Going to work on that next time, I think. Asking for help: kind of the same as reaching out. Don’t want to be a burden or get cut out of someone’s life again. Intellectually I know that people like to help, but emotionally I am still at the point of losing my best friend. Back then, I did not give up and called to ask why she was no longer speaking to me, and we worked it out and are still friends, only in a different way now. It hurt, and it still hurts if I let myself think about it. Which I don’t. Most of the time. I am very good at repressing and not allowing myself to think about things. Works for me, or so I think. I may find out different with therapy, but that’s life, right? I am very, very wary about asking anybody for anything. And when I do, I am always waiting for the dreaded loss of contact with the person. Even when I am reassured it will not happen, over time, contact slowly becomes less and less. Life is hard sometimes. Really hard, but you just have to live with things as they are, I guess. 

But I did surprise myself with how well I am managing being alone over 99% of the time. Not being able to do what I need or want when I need or want to do it. Not being able to go grocery shopping, or just shopping. Or pretty much anything. Somethings I can do something if a friend goes with me (and provides the transportation), but that happens less and less often, as friends tend to spend time with friends who CAN do things. I’m pretty sure that anyone with a chronic illness or disability will tell you that even good friends tend to drop away over time. You get left behind as their lives go on. And I cope with that. Pretty well, so the therapist says. Yay, me. I am a person whose brain figures things out while I talk about them, and I have not had anyone to talk to for quite a long time, so am looking forward to this. Seven more sessions to go. I may have mentioned that Gertrude the Cat is not a very good conversationalist, so no help there. LOL

Be safe. WEAR YOUR MASK. Save someone’s life.

I was quite disturbed recently that a book had been banned in my town, because ONE person asked for that to happen. One person can decide for an entire town what is and is not allowed. ONE PERSON. How is this justified? How is this reasonable, rational, sane? Was then delighted to learn that enough people spoke up to protest this and the ban was rescinded. Does not change the fact that it happened, in my town, here in a very enlightened and progressive state.  Here’s an article about it. https://turnto10.com/news/local/north-attleborough-school-district-reverses-book-ban-amid-criticism-southern-new-england-massachusetts-january-23-2024

is a disgrace.

Got my ears checked and it seems I need hearing aids. They are very delicate about suggesting it, as it seems people are very sensitive about the subject. Why? I want to hear, what’s so hard about that? Deafness is not a personal failing, after all But the bonus of this is that it seems one ear has something odd about it, inner bones are wrong or something, so I am getting an MRI. Finally. Have been wanting one for a long time, because something is wrong in my head and I keep getting a sort of brush-off when I bring it up. I had an MRI when I first got fibro, because they thought I had something else at first. Seems I have lesions on the brain (little white spots) which can be an indicator of MS, but I do not have MS. Be interesting to see if anything has changed in that respect. More lesions, did they disappear, what? 

Bought some cooked shrimp and cocktail sauce from the grocery store. Have not had shrimp in years because I am not sure how to buy it or cook it. Anyway, next day I had major,major pain. Was it the shrimp? Better today. Also determined to go back to 5 mg prednisone instead of six, because more pain/awake all night, I will go for the pain for now. Being awake all night and then needing to sleep half the day is not my idea of a good time. 

Sometimes, I just feel like I cannot catch a break, but never give up, never surrender. Right? 

And, it’s yet another gray day. This is so like February in New Hampshire, where it felt like the sun did not shine for the entire month. Sort of saps your energy when it is all gray, gray, gray. Not that I have that much energy in the first place. LOL

Be safe, people. Wear your mask. Please. I am thinking of putting a sign on my door: No Mask No Entry. Almost nobody wears a mask, even at the doctor’s or the hospital.

From a post on Bored Panda:

“…And if you really want to talk about real life, be it COVID, the flu or common cold, you will get exposed to the virus, it will go through this process over a day or so, then you will be infectious but will not yet have symptoms. You are infecting others before you know you have millions of virus particles inside you. So if you are at work and a coworker has a cold it is good to avoid them, but if you interacted with them the day before when they had no cold, you were potentially exposed and may get the cold yourself. And as I teach students, the symptoms you experience are not due to the virus, but your immune response to the virus. Otherwise you would not be asymptomatic yet have the virus raging inside of you. When your body recognizes the foreign invader you start to get symptoms. One last tid bit, you are sick longer than you are infectious. With a cold you might be infectious till day three or four of symptoms or so, then no longer, but you still have several days of symptoms to go.”

Sort of. Cold, cold, cold. It was 13 F this morning. 21 now. Winter is here. For now. 

Hurt my leg. Nothing I am aware of doing, but stood up and oh, my. Could barely stand on it or walk. Went to clinic, went to hospital for x-ray, slight inflammation and of course, arthritis, but it’s just a muscle thing, it seems. Already better but had to take celebrex AND 2 extra strength tylenol to be able to walk. Slightly better today. Yay. 

Did I mention my homemaker’s work screwed up her schedule and she could only come once a week? NOOOOOO. Got my caseworker involved and now she is back to twice a week, except Mon and Thurs instead of Tues and Fri. Don’t like Monday, because that’s the holiday day, but better than only coming once a week. I really like her, so glad it worked out.

I am in a NextDoor thing for my town and am appalled at how many of my fellow townies are MAGA idiots. Very disturbing. Why on earth people actually seem to worship that orange disgrace is beyond me. I think it truly is a cult. Brainwashed followers think he can do no wrong in spite of all the proof of all the wrong he has/is doing. How can people be so willfully ignorant is beyond me. Want to just live my life and be happy and safe, but you can’t do the ostrich thing in today’s world and pretend nothing is going on. Genocide, homophobia, misogyny, xenophobia, so many things wrong that are happening all the time all around us. It is very disheartening. I have no idea what to do about it, even if I was in a position to do anything about it. Which I am not. I sign petitions. That’s my big contribution to the world. Kind of useless, aren’t I? Oh, well.

Day before yesterday, with the help of my homemaker who prepped the potatoes, I made corn chowder. Last week, with her potato help again, I made tuna soup. Homemade soup is so good, and you have meals for two or three days. It’s a good thing. Corn chowder is so easy. Cube and boil potatoes, add creamed corn, let heat a bit, add a can of evaporated milk and a scoop of bacon grease for flavor, heat again, don’t boil, add a butt-load of pepper and you’re good to go. I like pepper. Tuna soup is boil the potatoes in V-8, add canned tuna, bit of oregano, heat a bit, and again you are good to go. I have a lot of soup recipes that I can make now that I have someone to do the prep work, which I cannot do right now. 

That’s it for now. Wear your mask, vote BLUE, and be kind to your fellow humans. Be kind to animals, too. Just be kind. It is not that hard. 

Not sure why those two blank things are there, and cannot get rid of them. Sorry. :(

I got to go out and do a bit of shopping. A friend took me. We went to the Dollar Store, the local plant nursery, and Shaw’s. It was fun, but it was also very, very slow, painful, exhausting, and just plain difficult. Even getting in and out off the car was hard. Won’t do that again til I can figure out what caused this and get the miracle cure that must be out there somewhere, right? Probably not. I took Celebrex last night and 2 extra strength Tylenol this morning or I would not have been able to even contemplate going out. So much pain. I am appalled at how much I have lost as far as function, mobility, etc., in just a few short weeks. Not that I was particularly mobile before, I need a shopping basket to hang off of anyway, but I am so much worse. I am finding it very worrisome and somewhat upsetting, because what if I don’t get better from this? How long will I be able to live by myself? Am I going to need care and there is nobody to do that anyway. The thing is, if I am suddenly a bit better tomorrow, I will totally forget how bad I was and that is a really good thing. Have to keep thinking of my motto: ”Never give up. Never surrender.” Thank you, Galaxy Quest. 

Been over two months since I last blogged. Nobody noticed, it seems. Oh, well. I have been feeling very abandoned lately. My kids, neither of whom live near me, at least keep in touch with Signal, a messaging service where we have our own group. Fun. My oldest friend lives quite a ways away, and has some issues in her own life, and does not keep in touch on any sort of regular basis. I understand. My nearby friend has made a load of new friends and does a ton of activities, and there is no time left for me. I get this too. I get less and less mobile as time goes on, and cannot be out and about that much, and the things we used to do like play games are not that interesting for her anymore. Real life is more fun. Chronic, painful, debilitating illnesses are not.

I have also had a lot more health issues. A LOT more pain for whatever reason I have no idea of. I did make a discovery, though. A friend got me some CBD oil, which one of my doctors recommended I try. It works great for back pain, but my all over joint pain (the new crap I now live with) gets worse. A lot worse. If I take Celebrex, it makes the joint pain much better, but does nothing for my back. Cannot take them both together since Celebrex can cause bleeding, and CBD oil ups the chances of that happening again. I had a bleed a year and a half ago and was hospitalized for three days. Fun times. As a result, I have to wear one of those ‘help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ things, mainly because I had to crawl from the bathroom where I passed out from loss of blood to the living room where the cell phone was. Cat thought it was very weird, but fun. 

I did get a new homemaker who I like and does a pretty good job. I also hired someone to come in and help organize and declutter, since I am totally physically unable to do that. She will come for an hour a week til I run out of money to pay her. I also hired my homemaker to do the same type of thing, and again, until I run out of money. So hopeful on that subject. The person completely redid my pantry shelf and everything is organized. Veg together, beans canned and dry together, canned and dry milk together and so on, so I only have to look to see what I have in any category. She did it in one hour. ONE. Have some empty jars that were scattered all over because no place to put them, so will have homemaker put the dry food, flour, oatmeal, etc in them. More space opens. Yay. Want to do the cupboards, too, as there are a lot of things I no longer use, since cooking is hard, and some things I know I will never use again. So bye, I hope. Maybe someone else can get some use out of them.

We did have snow one day. Melted and gone two days later. But I had moved laptop back to table by window, so messed about on it and watched snow fall most of that day. Was a very good day. Now I am very tired, so going to couch with my Oasis. Anything that is not an original keyboard Kindle is very annoying with the ‘here’s more books’ and such crap taking up space and you have to wade through it all. Also magazines. I don’t want magazines, but you just cannot seem to stop them coming, and then there is no way to delete them that I have found. God, I miss my Kindle keyboard. So much. But the last battery I bought for it was dead, and came all the way from China anyway, so I guess there is no hope for it. I miss it so much. Anyway, am reading my Torchwood fan fiction, of course, and right now am reading another Harry Grimm book by David J Gatward. Really like these character-driven mysteries. So over and out. Time to collapse on the couch. :)