Here Is Some Not Good Stuff

I got out of rehab for the knee surgery yesterday. They said I wasn’t ready to leave, but I didn’t feel I was making much progress. My leg has been severely swollen almost the whole time, and no one but me seems bothered by that. So here I am at home. Will have services; physical therapy twice a week, visiting nurse twice a week, my homemaker. That’s not really why I came home, though. I came home because I am terrified out of my mind. After I was able to be up and around more, I realized I was more in a ‘caring for the aged’ facility than a strict rehab facility. It freaked me out to see people sitting around waiting for someone to bring them food, to feed them if they can’t, people at the complete mercy of whoever is on shift at that time. The call-button rings incessantly, meaning someone, somewhere needs a fresh cold water, or is having major severe pain. No way to differentiate, and they are supposed to answer every call button, but believe me, that is kind of arbitrary. I realized that this is what happens if you become unable to care for yourself and have no family around to pick up the slack. Big families were good for a reason. You didn’t have to be afraid of being stuck in some ‘facility’ with no power over any aspect of your life. If you can afford to be in a facility. What happens if you can’t? The whole experience scared the hell out of me, and I just wanted to come home. But home is just me, on my own, except for those service visitors. I am about having an anxiety attack over this, and don’t know what to do about it, or is it the meds affecting my perception, or good grief, what is going to happen to me as I get older and less capable. I’m already pretty compromised due to the fibro/CFIDS, and have been skating along thinking things like, “I will do this when I am better, I will get this organized, sorted, whatever.” Will I? I’m probably not ever going to be any better than I am right now, so what are my prospects? I really am scared for the first time in my life. Just so you know, dear readers.