>It’s been a tough week. I think I said that already. But today, for the first time ever, I asked my homemaker to load the dishwasher and put the laundry on the drying rack. It feels like such a defeat. Like I am such a loser. One more step down the road to being a useless blob on the couch. One more ‘I can’t do that’ moment. It makes me feel very sad.

After my husband left, I would go to the doctor whenever I thought I was sick, because I had to take care of myself. If I lost my independence, I’d be screwed. Then I got really sick and lost my independence. No more job, no more life. Just getting through the pain each day, waiting for a day I had a bit of energy, just waiting. Like living in limbo.

I was talking to a friend about organizing my kitchen. Getting rid of things I no longer use. But if I get rid of some things, it means I’ll never do the job they are meant for again. I will have to acknowledge that that part of my life is gone and I will never get it back.

Okay, I’ve been up all night and I’m tired, and that makes everything seem worse than it is. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between ‘tired’ and ‘depressed’. Today, I think I’m both. I feel beaten. I don’t like it.

>
Tried to fix the weird video-ness in the last post, but no luck. Anyone have a solution? The embed code is different from YouTube’s, and when I tried to make it more like YouTube’s, it wouldn’t work at all.

Having a better day. Not nearly as much pain as this entire past week. Yay. So what did I do instead of what I should do? Of course. I fixed my desktop, which has not been able to connect since October. I downloaded every driver on the Dell site that applied, and installed them one at a time. After a while, I looked down at the task bar and saw the infamous yellow ‘you have ten bazillion updates’ icon. Well, there were only 76, and then there were several (a lot) more after that. But she’s working fine now. I have been setting up my Firefox the way I like it, and signing in to things here and there. I get to be online while sitting in my swivel chair. Yay, although being online while curled up on the couch with the cat and my blankie is pretty great too. LOL It feels good to feel good. I’m telling you, people. Not pain-free, but good.