Had a bit of a wobbly last evening. Going through things to get ready to move, was doing books. Practically first one in the pile was The Boston Globe Cookbook for Brides, a book I bought back in the late 60’s, when we first moved to New England. Wow. Back when I was a person, when I had a family, when I had a real life. Made me really sad for a bit, that the life that was is gone and will never return. There are a few other really old books that I had way back then, a couple I bought when I was a teenager in Colorado. Then there was the box of old journals. Should not have read any of them. A couple in particular were really bad, I had not realized how depressed I had been for so many years after my husband left. I always think I am fine and doing well, but apparently I delude myself. Was kind of upsetting, too, to read about things I had forgotten. Treatment by ‘friends’, and even by my children. I remember the treatment by my husband, but had blacked out the other things.

My husband used to say how ‘understanding’ I was, but what that really means is how gullible I was, and how easy it was to convince me that everything was my fault. ‘Understanding’ is double speak for letting yourself be treated badly because if you make waves about it, people will leave you or stop being your ‘friend’ or whatever. I will say, growing up in survival mode really does a number on your mental well-being.

A lot of it, too, was how hard being on the spectrum, which I had never known I was until a few years ago, makes life. Always being confused, and never understanding what you are doing wrong and all the other things that come with Asperger’s. I get it now. I can look back and see how it explains this or that, but living through it at the time without having any idea what was going on, that was really hard and painful and confusing.

I was really appalled to read about how one of my ‘best friends’ has treated me over the years. I always tell myself that I have my own issues with people, so be tolerant of others. But it still hurts. I am a very ‘in the moment’ person. I think the Aspergers contributes to that. On good days, I forget there are bad days, and vice versa. I don’t hold grudges normally, because I tend to forget things that happened, or block them out. But I have always had some underlying anger about how I have been treated. And then, I say I probably treat them as badly in my own way. Excuses. Explanations. Whatever. Life on the spectrum is not easy, and I have always wished I could be like ‘normal’ people, even if I didn’t really understand what that meant. Yes, I am a basket case. LOL But thing are better now, and I think I have a pretty good life. So.