Books. I Love Books.

Found this online: Best and Most Popular Mystery Books and Series,
and it mentions my most favorite book when I was a child.

I adored this book, and have read it a few times as an adult, as well. I wanted to live in the box car so much. I never realized there were more books in the series until a few years ago. Duh! Have not read them, however.

I’ve read all of Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie many times, watched the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew tv shows, read most of Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Milhone books, and didn’t realize she had died til I read this. The rest are in my books to check folder. So many books, so little time, as they say. I am a voracious reader, have been all my life. I could not wait to learn to read, and used to eat bits of the newspaper hoping to assimilate the knowledge of reading that way. Nope, didn’t work. I am a big mystery lover, read a lot of non-fiction, and cannot abide ‘had I but known’ books. “Had I but known the cute guy was the jerk, bad guy, killer, etc., I would never have fallen in love with him. Oh, my.” Oh, blech!

I’ve been disappointed upon watching movies based on books most of the time, so I tend to avoid them now. The Hunger Games, for example, I refuse to watch. I watched the Swedish version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and it wasn’t horrible. The Hollywood version was, so I stopped there. The books in the series had huge chunks of tedious filler, but were really horrifying to read otherwise. Someone else’s imagination on film cannot compare to what your own mind can visualize in reading something. DaVinci’s Code was so-so, but was saved by the inclusion of
Paul Bettany, who I love since seeing him portray Chaucer in A Knight’s Tale, one of my favorite movies.

Okay, illness-wise, since I went down to 8mg prednisone, it has been all downhill, with the occasional rallying day where I can actually function. I am feeling a bit depressed about it today. Waking up in pain and exhausted every single day is something I had hoped was in the past. Fibromyalgia is a cruel trickster in that aspect, as it gives you brief respites and then comes back in force to knock you back again. I’m tired and in pain and foggy-brained and it really, really sucks big time. But it is what it is, and all you can do is wait it out, do what you can, and hope for a good day in the near future. Bemoaning your fate has absolutely no effect, and I really want to enjoy my life as much as is possible giving my limitations, so I work on not dwelling. Sometimes it’s harder than other times, however. Like when you’ve been doing relatively well and then you’re not again. Bah! Also, Humbug!

Ethical Delimmas

What to do, what to do???  Here’s an article from my inbox:

(Here’s another one I just came across. This is why I think this country is on its last legs as the bastion of democracy and freedom of speech. If it ever actually was, IDEK) Censorship in Florida)

I use windows. I have a Macbook Pro. I buy from Amazon. I have shopped at Walmart recently, after years of boycotting them. There I things I need in my chronic-illness

******Alert!! Alert!! It’s SNOWING. The sun is shining, partly cloudy, and round bits of snow are falling in front of my windows. Woo Hoo, I think. Oh, now it’s done. Oh, well. LOL ******

Back to rant: There are things I need in my chronic debilitating illness life that I just cannot get without ordering from Amazon. Walmart has some things I can’t find elsewhere. I NEED my laptop, it’s my connection to the world. So what to do? I can’t boycott Amazon, or Windows. How does one come to terms with giving their money to evil, evil, evil corporations and ultimately their super-evil CEO’s. Rich people really are different, and their money is their god and is the only thing that really matters to them. Even people who are not super-rich are different. I know some of them, and can attest to that. I sometimes agonize over these issues, but I sort of have no choice here. How does anyone else deal with this dilemma?  I can’t afford to pay for a lot of shipping if I bought things from other suppliers.  Prime has a lot of benefits.  A lot.  Free shipping is but one.  But I hate myself every time I buy something from Amazon.

On the other hand, I agonized for years (yes, I am over-    can’t think of the word that means I worry too much about some shit.)  Not being able to recycle where I live.  There is no option here, and I do not have a car and cannot get to a recycling center.  This bothered me for years until I realized that a lot of people don’t care about it and my meager trash is not going to bring down the world.  I am totally amazed at how much we allow ourselves to be brainwashed into thinking that if we only stop using plastic straws we can save the planet.  1. The major polluters are a few big corporations, and they are not going to stop if it means costing them more than a nickle or two.  A bunch of plastic straws are not going to make a lot of difference.  2. It is not the planet that needs saving, it is ourselves.  We are at the top of the food-chain and are in actuality parasites.  By that I mean that nothing depends upon us for survival.  This animal needs that plant, this plant need that insect, everything is interdependent, except for us.  Nothing needs us.  We are only takers, not givers.  Our biggest contribution to this planet is the destruction of the natural world.  So if/when we destroy that natural world, we are going to have to figure out how to survive with artificial, manufactured everything.  Including food, which is already happening to a certain extent.  But hey, I’m making the big bucks here, why should I care about what’s going to be going on down the line.  I’ll probably be dead, anyway.  Right?  Bill Gates NEEDS those billions of dollars. NEEDS them.  I mean, how would he survive without having more money than god.  Or Jeff Bezos, who now has more money than the entire rest of the planet put together.  He can’t afford to pay Amazon workers decent wages with decent hours.  I mean really, he needs every penny of that obscene wealth he made on the backs of those workers.  Capitalism is evil, evil, evil, and creates evil people as a by-product.  I don’t know how to fix it.  Do you? So I keep ordering from Amazon and cringing all the while.  Hating myself for NOT putting my money where my mouth is, as the saying goes.

BTW, the snow is back, but I’m not so sure it isn’t like little ice balls floating down. Weird.  And the kitty has finally run out of steam and crashed.  I hope.  It’s gotten pretty quiet, anyway.  OMG, I’d better check.

This basket had pretty little flowers in it (fake ones)  It now belongs to her after she kept swimming in them and ripping them from the stems.  Everything belongs to Gertrude, and everything is a toy. Who knew?  Crap picture, I’m sorry.



Me and The Cat

Or, the Cat and Me.  Whatever.  She is growing.  Still teeny and cute, but not as teeny.  Exhausting.  From the moment she realizes I am awake, she is on the go.  It’s a good thing, really, because I am forced to move even when I’m in pain, and she is a lot of fun to be around.  But…she is majorly destructive.  Not intentionally, she is just so full of energy it’s like she can’t control it.  Better than she was, but still insane.  I have these two little lamps in the window.  They are really cute.  When I turned them off last night, they were fine.  Turned them on tonight, big one is broken.  Not in pieces, but broken.  Can you see the crack right down the center.  It goes down, around, and up the other side.  Cute Gertrude is cute.  Yep.

On an up note, went out with my friend Tess today.  Lunched at Olive
Garden.  Salad was really good, rest of lunch was 5 out of 10, at best.  Drink was excellent. Non alcoholic drink.  Kiwi Melon Lemonade.  Really good.

Went to Christmas Tree shop, got a few little Christmas things.  Yes, I’m ready for Christmas in the shops.  It was great to look at all the goodies.  Right next to Patriot’s Stadium is a shopping place where Olive Garden, Christmas Tree Shops, Trader Joe’s and other shops are located.  After Christmas, we did Trader Joe’s.  I love Trader Joe’s, and wish they’d put one near where I live, so I could send my shopper there instead of Stop and Shop.  Oh, well.  Had a lovely interaction with a lady who seemed to be trying to convince me to buy an apple dessert, which I did.  I even asked her was she a sales person for the dessert. 🙂  Discussed other desserts and real butter puff pastry, and it was just a nice little conversation.  I  used to be so shy that something like that would never happen, but I am over all that now, thank goodness.

When we came back, we stopped at her house first to drop off her groceries, and I played a bit with the dog and chatted with the husband.  I like him, he is a nice person and funny.  Back to mine, played with the cat, watched some Gordon Ramsey.  Now I am going to have the turkey sandwich I bought at TJ’s for dinner with some chips and a root beer made with real sugar.  Yay, me.

Tired Jean is tired, and had a lot of pain today.  It was worth it, though.  The pain is because I went down to 8mg prednisone two weeks ago, and last week the pain  startup up again in force.  I am back to having ‘ow’ come out of my mouth as soon as I wake up, hobbling around, all the fun stuff.  It’s hard not to be devastated when you have a, what?  Relapse?  But it’s happened enough that I can get through it.  It is not fun, though.  Disappointing, to say the least, when you can do things again and all of a sudden, you’re right back to NOT being able to do those things.  I am hoping that the six weeks on each level of meds will give my body time to adjust and ease up on the pain.  We’ll see.  I did fine with going from ten to nine, with just a brief wobble, nothing like this pain.  I am not going to waste energy being angry with the rheumatologist, but I have been through seven years of hell because of his callous disregard for the effects of prednisone, and prednisone withdrawal.  If my opthamologist had not been appalled when I told him what had been going on all this time, I would not have been confident enough to ask my primary care to take over dealing with the prednisone.  I am much happier about things now, thank you Doctor Fay.  My eye doctor.  Funny man.  I like funny.

Also, I seem to have lost my phone.  The fun just never ends.  🙂

Oh, wait, Tess found it in her car.  Duh!


I think I am going there.  I seem to need more and more sleep recently.  Days are a lot shorter, and not as bright in general as they had been.  It’s 2:30 and the trees across the street are already mostly in the shadow of my building.  I like winter, but I also like light.  I have my own sun in the form of full spectrum over-head bulbs in my living/dining room, and usually turn them on when I get up, but even then, it’s not enough.  S0 hibernation it is.  Fun times.

See this phone?  It’s in a bowl for a reason.  The reason is right next to it.

Miss G, G2, Gertrude is……OMG what a handful.  She is so cute, but my word, there is not a second while she is awake that I do not have to be on the alert. She is into everything.  Soon she will be big enough to reach things on the wall that are just tantalizations right now, and I’ve really already had to take some things down.  Nothing is safe from her.  I am trying hard to NOT be one of those ‘yell at the cat’ people, but sometimes, I just have to put her in the bathroom so I can have a break.  She is exhausting, and for someone who already has a notable lack energy thanks to fibro/chronic fatigue, I don’t need more exhausting things in my life.  But she really is so cute and cuddly, she’s hard to resist.  Back to the vet Wednesday for her final shots and to discuss spaying.  Supposed to be better for them, but I kind of hate to do it.  Not only because how on earth will I manage her when she’s in a big collar?  More fun ahead.

Been trying not to get too overwrought about all the crap that’s going on in my country, and the world, for that matter.  Avoiding as much as I can, because I have no power over anything or anybody, and getting myself upset is counter-productive.  I need all my energy for other things, like the kitty.  🙂   I just hope enough people get out and vote whenever and wherever there are are elections, and get them out of office.  Please.

Tired Jean is tired.  Later.

It’s The Old Friday Five Again

1. Do you think you are treated differently because you are a man or woman?
**Absolutely.  I am ignored, condescended to, patronized.

2. Do men or women have it easier in our culture? Why do you think so?

**Men.  In most cultures, not just ours.  Even medicines are tested on men, things are designed by and for men, men are paid more for the same work, women are often treated as second-class citizens.  There are many ways the deck is stacked, but more women are standing up to make a difference, so there is hope.

3. Do you think girls are raised differently from boys? If so, in what ways?

**Again, absolutely. I think it is ingrained in us from the get-go, if not a genetic thing.  I even have noticed the difference in how I treated my male cat from my female cat. Girls are treated as more delicate creatures, needing to be looked after, boys are ‘toughened up’ and encouraged to be macho manly men. 
4. Do you think women should take men’s last names when they marry? Why or why not?
**I kind of like hypenated names, but who cares?  Do what makes you happy.

5. Do you think a woman will be President of the United States in the near future?

**I did once, but the way things have gone in this country the past few years, I’m not so sure anymore.  We are suffering the backlash from having a black man as president, can you imagine if it had been a woman?  Woman are not regarded the same as men, regardless of what we’d like to think. Some men (and some women, I’m afraid), would rather die than have a woman leading them.  Look at the military.

Forgot to Mention

that I seem to have gotten unstuck.  I loaded and ran the dishwasher and cleaned the sink  today.  Yay, me. Bought a BigMac while I was out and had that for dinner, though, so no cooking breakthroughs yet.

Also, plugged in piece of crap doorstop laptop and hit F11 a zilliion times at the same time.  Did NOT go into safe mode, but did start up correctly and is now working fine.  So far. Weird.  I tried doing F8 the other day, but that did nothing.  So now I  have two working laptops and the Macbook Pro that is also working.  All at the same time.  WooHoo.

My New Favorite Quote

From here:

“…you probably resemble a family pack of chicken leg quarters that was left in the trunk of a Honda Civic parked at an airport for a month.”

On another note, it is raining. Happy Jean is happy. Took Gertrude to vet today for another shot and deworming and whatever. She has gained an entire pound. One whole pound. I’m surprised she doesn’t burn off every single calorie she ingests, whilst running around like a madwoman for most of the day. But she is very healthy and they trimmed her nails, thank you dear vet people. Went to the pet store and bought some Bitter Apple spray, since putting citrus peels around did nothing to repel her from places I do not want her to be. Fingers crossed. Also bought a new carrier, one she cannot escape from, thank you very much, and a new toy. She also got several toys I ordered from Amazon. She has so much energy, I don’t want her to get bored and become even more destructive, so lots of toys is it. She likes them all, too. Even the cardboard box her food came in last week. It’s one of her favorites. The only free thing I have aquired for my very expensive ‘free’ kitty. LOL

Exhausted Jean is exhausted. But she’s so cute…the kitty, not Jean. 🙂

Well, Hello

It has been an interesting month, and it’s OCTOBER, my favorite month of the year. Cute kitty is cute, and unbelievably destructive. But cute.

I spend a lot of time exhausted from trying to keep her from breaking/shredding things or killing herself, and since I am better, have been going out a lot more than normal resulting in a lot of recovery time. Went to Westport, MA to see friend’s gorgeous new puppy, which he rescued from someone who was NOT taking care of it. They gave it up willingly. Had dinner and a fun evening at another friends, and she and I have gone out and about a lot more than usual. Meanwhile, I have developed some sort of executive function brain glitch in that, while I want to cook, I can’t, and I haven’t washed a dish or put a piece of clothing where it belongs, or picked up after the cat has wreaked havoc. Until today, when I did make a PF Chang thing that involved dumping in pan cooking ten minutes, and eating. I couldn’t even get myself to scramble an egg before now. Why?????

Then there are the computers. Old laptop is still slooow, but new piece of crap one, well…I try not to update, but one got by me, and now it will not boot. Thank you Windows. I get a black screen with a working cursor, which, after several minutes, changes to this:

Touching any key brings back the black screen.

Then there is Firefox and ‘kitty who walks on keyboard’ no matter how hard I try to stop her. She completely wiped Firefox while leaving it installed, among other feats of prestidigitation, and has now somehow duplicated all of my bookmarks. So many dupes that I had to find something to manage them which I did. It scanned,and is now, I hope, removing almost 130,000 (yes that’s correct) duplicates. It’s been a few hours and there are still nineteen thousand to go. Fun times, people. Really fun times. At least I have a backup computer. Lots of people don’t, I imagine. Microsoft has really gone to hell recently. Linux, anyone?

Crazy Cat

is crazy.  Full of energy, getting into everything, and she wakes up that way.  Why can’t I?  She is not quite so teeny, but still oh, so cute.

Day before yesterday, I heard a very low-flying plane go over, but did not see it.  Last night, one was flying so low, coming almost straight at my building, I really thought it was going to hit the top floor.  It is a four-story building.  Then later, a big bolt of lightning looked like it was right across the street from me.  Should I start worrying?  LOL

Trying to get things done. Not as better as I was.  Been on 9mg prednisone since the 11th, so maybe that’s the issue.  I don’t know.  I liked feeling good, and having very little pain, and it’s kind of starting up again.  Not as bad as it was, but still.  Anyway, it’s a gorgeous fall day.  Me and Miss G are enjoying it. 

And this is me getting punked by my homemaker Charles, when I asked him to get me the smallest squash.

Oh, My.

My old laptop has had to be semi-retired.  It kept freezing up every few minutes, and then I would be forced to wait for many more minutes for it to unfreeze its little self.  It was working pretty badly over all, anyway.  Even cds (it’s the last laptop on the planet that has a drawer, I think) would only randomly play.  So hauled the “new”  (ha ha) one into its spot and put the macbook where it used to reside.  The “new” one was working really badly, too, so I backed up everything it was possible to back up and did a wipe it out recovery thingy.  Whew.  This has all taken several days, but the setting everything back up was fun.  I like doing stuff like that.  Hoping this one works reasonably well for a while, at least, but I really need to get more up on using the macbook. It is a steep learning curve for someone who has only known windows since first getting a computer.

I am doing quite well, surprise, surprise.  No way to tell how long it will last, but am enjoying it while it does.  Getting things done between getting exhausted trying to keep kitty out of everything it is possible to get into, and spending lots of play time trying to wear her out.  OMG she is so teeny and cute.  I cannot get over how teeny she is.  My friend Tess brought her husband over to see her the other day, and he kept going on about how teeny she is just like I do.  Because she is so teeny and cute.  I have stopped taking pictures of her every five minutes, but I am hoping to have some sort of visual record of how she grows.  Everyone thinks she will be a small cat.  She has tiny paws and the tiniest little face, but she has long, skinny legs, so maybe she will grow into them.  She throws herself around with absolutely no sense and no fear and I really worry she will break something, like a leg.  She thinks she can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but really, she can’t.  Does not stop her from trying though.  I can’t brush my teeth without her flinging herself all over the bathroom.  Porcelain is slippery, Gertrude, and crashing into it from another bit of porcelain, or crashing to the floor from the sink…not good.  Not good at all.

Her schedule and mine are not exactly in sync.  She runs around like a madwoman all morning, and we all know I am NOT a morning person.  Then she sleeps all afternoon, when I am actually awake, and then runs around again later in the evening and very late, when I am actually having a shot at getting some sleep.  Fun times, people, fun times.  She still rubs her entire body all over my face, which is fun when I am trying to read or binge-watch The Good Place or something.

For someone with such unlimited amounts of energy, she doesn’t seem to eat very much.  I am giving her Blue Buffalo wet food for kittens, and she maybe eats a quarter of a can twice a day.  Sometimes more, but not always.  I am going to try different brands to see if she’ll eat more, but she seems fine and all.  I duckduckgo’d good food for kittens and have a couple brands to try.  No grains or crap in them.  Did I mention they were feeding her Friskies at her original home?  Dry as far as I know, and dry Friskies first two ingredients are corn.  Healthy kitties do not result from eating corn.  OMG.  Would you feed your kids nothing but spaghetti-o’s?  Probably some people would, so there goes that argument.

Your pets entire world, well-being, health, life depends on you.  It is your obligation to give them the best you possibly can, just like any sensible person would do for their children.  Pets are family members, not toys or things.  Treat them right.  Feed them well.  Sheesh!

My friends just adopted a puppy from someone whose house said puppy just turned up at.  They fed it and decided to keep it and then put it out back in a pen that had been used to keep birds and was filled with bird shit and crap.  OMG.  So my friend decided he was bringing that puppy home. All the way from Texas on a plane.  Yay, John.  Gorgeous puppy, from the pictures I saw.  Who would treat an animal like that first person? If you’re not going to do right by it, take it to the pound to be adopted.

See?  You can tell I’m better by how wordy I am.  LOLOL

Here she is September 6th.

Her she is today. It does look like she’s grown a lot.  Darn.  🙂

The Friday Five

Finally, one that’s not too lame.

1. What would you do if you won the lottery?
I’ve always wanted to just walk down the street and hand cash to random people and keep walking. I would definitely do that. Pay the bills of everyone behind me in line. Give money to people who need it, not charities that may use most of it for ‘overhead’. Pay for someone’s college education. I would also buy a small house with a yard so I could have a garden, hire a personal chef, hire a housekeeper to keep things clean, and someone to drive me where I need/want to go so I wouldn’t always have to ask a friend. Guess I’d have to buy a car, too, then. I’d like to make a positive difference in the world, if I could.

2. What era do you wish you had lived in?
Anyone where the world didn’t seem to be on it’s last legs and people at least seemed to have some humanity, compassion, and common sense left in them.

3. What kind of robot would you want? A fun one.

4. What would you outsource if you could? If by outsource, you mean get someone else to do it, then cooking, cleaning, all those things that are hard for me with having a chronic illness.

5. What superpower do you wish you had? I really have no idea. Flying, maybe. Is that considered a superpower?


Her name is Gertrude.  G2, because she is my second Gertrude.  She looks a lot like the first one, except she had a lot of white and long hair.  This one is so teeny and cute, and yes I have lost my mind over a kitty.  Vet yesterday,  excellent health, feeding her correctly, it’s all good.  She only made me bleed once on each hand while blood was being taken.  🙂  Had eye doctor today, so left her in the cleared out bathroom with food, water, toys, etc.  Then out to dinner with a friend later so had to leave her in the bathroom again.  Poor baby, but she is fine.Not holding a grudge. 

How did she even do this from the keyboard?  And did I mention she completely wiped out Firefox without uninstalling it.  Everything.  Gone. Profiles.  Gone.  Firefox still there, just everything gone.  What?  But she is so teeny and cute.  🙂

Woo Hoo

A big, unexpected woo hoo.  I’m getting a kitty.  Talking to someone who said she knows lots of teachers and farmers who are always looking for someone who wants a cat.  ‘I do’, says Jean the idiot.  That was yesterday.  Today she called to say she’d found one.  Female, check, short hair, check, housetrained (possiby) check, but only three months old.  Never had a baby before.  I’ve always gotten adult cats.  She’s bringing her over tomorrow afternoon, so before dr. appointmentt off to Christmas Tree Shop we go, my friend Tess and I, and forty dollars later, I have a cat bed, a scratching post, and some toys.

After dr. appointment, off we go to schlop and schnop (stop and shop) and forty more dollars later I have food and litter and treats.  My god, is grocery store cat food crap. The person giving up the kitty feeds them Friskies, which is corn.  Corn.  Seriously.  I bought a store natural foods brand which is meat and good stuff.  Could not find the unscented litter I like, so bought something supposedly good to try.  Made of guess what?  Corn.  But at least it’s not meant to be eaten.  Bought some Blue Buffalo Treats, too.  Made of meat mainly.  God, people feed their cats garbage.  Actually, garbage would probably be better than Friskies and the like.

So excited Jean is excited and nervous and asking herself, “What was I thinking?”.  Hope it goes well and she’s a good kitty and we like each other.  Wish me luck, people.

As for the doctor, she seemed puzzled as to why I am not still taking paquinal.  Well, duh.  Bad side effects, also you said I don’t have the illness you wanted me to take it for after all.  Oh I still think you might have the illness so maybe you should still take it.  Yeah, in your dreams.  You sent me the test results that say I do not have whatever the hell it was, and side effects, people.  Sheesh!  I am so over American medicine.  New doctor should be in by my next visit,so hoping she will turn out to at least have a clue.  I did convince this one to let me lower the prednisone much, much more slowly than they have been pushing on me all these years, causing me endless problems that started when old dr. took me off it too soon and I got withdrawal, which it seems you have forever once you get it.  Swell.  But I am doing much better on ten mg, tired, but always tired, just normally the pain takes the front so the tired is just there.  Now I am not in so much pain and want to do things, but wait, need to go lie down now.  There’s always a catch, isn’t there?  Happy, happy, happy to have less pain though,  Cannot complain about that.  Helooooo, Kitty


I recently purchased a Kobo Clare.  Backlit for reading at night, and so much easier to manage than the Kindle Paperwhite, which I absolutely hated.  I can put my fan fiction on it, AND, and it’s a big AND, I can borrow ebooks from my library that get delivered right to it.  But anyway, it gets me wondering, what is the deal with telling you how long it will take to read a book, and how much reading time is left before you finish?  Do you ask the librarian or the book store clerk how long it will take you to read this before you borrow/buy it?  I just find this strange, and annoying when it appears on my reader.  You can shut that off, thank goodness, but just the idea of it puzzles me.  Are we so stretched for time that we need to know how long it will take to even read a book?  Is it just me?  Puzzled Jean is puzzled.

It’s September.  Autumn at last.  I love, love, love autumn.  Some people see it as a precursor to the death that is winter, but winter is not dead, everything is just having a lovely nap getting ready to burst forth in spring.  Snow is just a cozy blanket.  Okay, I have seriously lost my marbles.  But it’s September.  Although I do still miss the annual shop for school supplies.  Even after both my girls were long out of school, I was still mentally preparing for the shopping.  Oh, well.  I love school/office supplies.  🙂  Happy September, everyone!


Well Hello There

Did not realize how long it’s been since my last post.  I’ve had posts in mind, but doing something else, and by the time that was done, I was just too tired to think each time.  Better.  Finally, finally better.  Ten mg pred is the key, along with sleeping well, which is definitely an off again/on again thing. I do wonder, since I keep being told that prednisone has no effect on fibromyalgia, if I have been misdiagnosed.  Try to get doctors to start from scratch.  HA!

August fifteenth, after two weeks on ten and two on nine, was my first day on eight  mg.  It was the best day I’ve had since before I went into prednisone withdrawal, what was it, seven years ago.  August sixteenth, second day on eight mg, back in the pits with the pain and the fatigue and the whole ball of crap. The next Monday, called doctor and practically begged to stay on ten.  Yes.  Woo Hoo.  But like always, once I cut down and get worse, I need more that I started with to feel as good.  So not as good as I was, but still a lot better.  Sticking with ten as long as they’ll let me.  Stupid, stupid doctors.  ‘Well,  you could get this that or the other down the line.’  Yeah, but, right now I’d like to have a relatively decent quality of life and worry about the this that or the other if/when it happens. Sheesh!

So anyway, before all that,  while I was still doing relatively well, I got to spend the weekend with my friends in Westport, MA.  It was the perfect weekend, not only weather-wise, and believe me, the weather could not have been better.  Cool and sunny and breezy and perfect.  We sat on the deck and talked and J and I looked up snarky t-shirts on our phones to show  each other while B was texting her family.  At one point, I looked up from my phone, and there were the three of us on the deck, heads bent over our cell phones, just like you see in cartoons and such.  We went to the farmer’s market, where I bought ground cherries. Never had them before and were they ever tasty.  Went to the beach and just sat and vegged, went to the winery and had a couple glasses and some fries from the food truck.  There is a really nice winery in Westport where you can sign up for tastings, or just sit outside and enjoy the beautiful surroundings.  More chats on the deck, watched a couple movies, J cooked all my fav foods, and B made tacos one meal and quesadillas another.  I was in heaven. I could seriously eat nothing but tacos and tiramisu with the occasional bowl of fish chowder, for the rest of my life.  Tacos.  Oh, yeah.  🙂

Went out a lot more than normal with my friend Tess, too.  Lunches and shopping and we went to Westport ourselves to have lobster at our fav place down there.  This is our new tradition.  Year two.  Would have visited my friends, but they were not home when I called.

Since that weekend of August ninth, I have been glued to the laptop.  I’ve been thinking it’s because I had gotten used to being alone, and the weekend sort of woke me up to how not great that is, so I was trying to feel connected.  Today I realized that the laptop is on a narrow hall table type thing in front of the windows, so I am about two feet from the outside, and that’s the draw.  I am on the second floor, so I see tree tops, and also cars and lots of people out walking, which I never really noticed til I moved the laptop here awhile back.  I just keep looking out every couple of minutes, so I think my brain is thinking I am back on that deck, just without the chatting.  God, it was the best time I’ve had since I can’t even remember.  Steak on the grill, eggs benedict, molasses pancakes, tacos, and best of all, just talking about any and everything.  My friend J and I have the same sense of humor and the same love of books and tools and gadgets and especially snark.  His wife B has none of those. She sort of just gives us looks as we act like complete idiots.  Wish I was still there.  Really, I do.

But I am doing pretty well.  My head is clearer so I can think about things like what I want to do, or what I need to do, or whatever.  That fibro brain fog really gets in the way, so I’m glad it’s floated on by, for now anyway.  Hope this lasts, but never think ahead, because with this illness, things can change in a flash..

So.  There.  Been cleaning up my laptop, hoping to get it to work better.  It’s helping a bit, but it’s old and getting pretty clunky.  I was amazed at how messed up things were in the files.  I am usually pretty good with organizing on here, but I think I must have had a lot of brain glitches or something.  I would clear out a folder, but find a second folder in it that was a duplicate.  Sometimes there would be a duplicate folder in the duplicate folder.  What?  How did those get there?  I must have deleted a thousand gigabytes of crap. Maybe a zillion. Seems like a lot, anyway.  But I like doing this kind of thing, and it mostly doesn’t hurt, like trying to organize things in the real world does.  So happy Jean is happy and doing not too badly right now.  Hope you all are doing great as well.

Sad Jean Was Sad Today

Something happened today.  Not sure I even want to blog about it, but here goes anyway.  I have a friend who has been my friend for a very long time.  She always kind of treated me very casually, though.  I often felt like an afterthought, like I didn’t really matter to her.  An example:  we would agree to meet for lunch or whatever, and she would always be late.  Sometimes she did not turn up at all.  There was  never a call to let me know she would be late, or not come.  It made me feel like I had no value to her, like I didn’t matter at all.

I have another friend, who did the same thing today.  She did call, two hours later than I was expecting, and it really bothered me.  That she didn’t call earlier to let me know she would be late. She has a cell phone…that I gave her.  She could have used it.  But she didn’t.  It really made me feel that same, ‘Wow, I really don’t matter.’ thing.  I spoke up about it, and then let it go, but it bothered me a lot.  My friend has gradually backed off from me, like my other one has done since I became ill, and this almost just felt like the nail in the coffin.  Her reasons for backing off seem to be a bit different though.  She didn’t know me when I wasn’t ill, it’s just that she’s made new friends and is engaged in doing new things and there is less time for me.  She doesn’t really need me anymore.  I get that, and I always expect it to happen.  It still hurts, though, whatever the reason.  It hurts to think that you don’t matter as much to someone as they do to you.  It hurts to feel like you are not important enough to be polite and courteous to.  I would not leave someone hanging if it was at all possible to let them know what was going on, but it’s okay when others leave me hanging, because what?  I just don’t matter?  I don’t like feeling like this, but I will process and assimilate it, and it will become one more part of my idea of who I am and what place I have in the world.

On the bright side, I did not need a recovery day after all.  I am so much better on ten mg prednisone, am going to call doctor tomorrow and try to negotiate staying on it.  I know down the line there are bad side effects, but for right now, a sort-of decent quality of life is pretty darn inviting.  Let me keep it for awhile, please.  Being able to function, to do things I want, when I want, I think if you’re not sick, you don’t really appreciate that.  Fingers crossed.

Chronic Illness Can Be Fun

Oh, wait.  No it can’t.  I had a doctor’s appointment today, and had to use the Dial-A-Ride, which is a sort of state-run taxi service.  Got me to the appointment an hour early, then after, Ihad an almost meltdown, because first, the door I went out turned out to be at the back of the building and I walked all the way around to the front.  It is in the90’s, with a dew point near 80, so half way around I was already exhausted and in a lot of pain. Stopped to lean on a liht pole and call the Dial-A-Ride to pick me up.  Have to press one.  Could I remember how to press one on a cell phone?  Heck no.  Exhaustion and pain means non-working brain.  Fun times.  Called my friend, who was busy, but I was desperate, left a message.  Remembered how to dial an extra number, called DaR, tried to call friend back to say nevermind, phone would not work, then her machine would not pick up.  Waited almost an hour for DaR, and friend called just as I got my mail in the lobby.  Tomorrow will be recovery day.  One of the most limiting things about the illness is just that…when I am exhausted and in pain I cannot think what to do next, and I have been stuck out in the world not knowing how to get home.  Not fun.  But all is well now.  I am home in the nice cool air-conditioning.  Going to order in later, because meal prep is just not on.  🙂