And it got cold. It’s 39 right now at 9:30 am. Was very gray earlier, sun came out, more gray is moving in from the west now. Had to turn the heat on yesterday.

Still doing okay. Not as good as I was there for a bit, but still better than I was for a very, very long time. Today I need to go downstairs and get the cat food I ordered. It came a couple of days ago, so I hope it’s still there. My homemaker didn’t come yesterday, or she would have brought it up. Deliveries used to come to my door. No more.

The cooking has kind of gone by the wayside again. Just don’t have enough energy. I took a weird class once. Not sure the actual purpose now, but one of the things we did was have to write down exactly how to make a peanut butter sandwich, in case we had to explain it to aliens or something, I don’t know. Anyway, you would not believe how many separate steps there are to making that sandwich, starting with opening wherever the bread is stored, getting the bread out, closing that space’s door, moving the bread to the counter. Opening the bread. Taking out the slices, closing the bread, moving the bread back to that space, opening the space, putting the bread in, closing the space (cabinet?), getting the peanut butter from wherever it is, bringing it to the counter, opening the jar, opening the drawer, getting out a knife, closing the drawer. And on and on and on. It is exhausting when you are in pain or have little to no energy to do each step for whatever it is you are doing. When you are healthy, you don’t even think about it, but for people like me, with chronic, painful, exhausting illnesses, you find yourself constantly making trade-offs. If I do this, will I have enough energy to do that, will I have to go lie down for a while before I can continue, if I skip this will it still come out edible. On so on. So cooking anything more than maybe scrambled eggs and toast is out right now. Again. It was nice while it lasted. I like cooking. I also cannot normally cook and clean up on the same day. Exhaustion and pain win. BUT:

Today I want to water my plants, do the dishes from the past two days, call the vet, send an email to a potential therapist, who I hope can help with cope with being alone all the time and not being able to do what I want or need to do, when I want or need to do them. I have been doing this for so many years, you’d think I’d be an expert, but no. Every time things work out that I am alone 99.9 per cent of the time, which happens more than you’d think, I find myself withdrawing from the world.

We are taught to reach out, but it gets harder and harder to motivate myself to do that. ‘They are busy, they have a life, I don’t want to be a nuisance. If they wanted to talk to me, they’d call me and since they never do, I get that message loud and clear. I am better off alone, anyway. I am not good with people. I have no social skills at all. I always say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and have no idea I’ve done that. Better not to put myself out there in the first place.’ These are the things that run through the heads of people like me. I have learned to be pretty happy on my own, and even if I get in a funk, sooner or later I am able to pull myself out of it. ‘Never give up. Never surrender.’ Thank you Galaxy Quest. LOL