While I was looking for something to illustrate the last post, I came across this, and it struck me, as someone who was once suicidal, how true it is.  It’s not dying you crave, it’s freedom from the unbearable emotional pain, and dying seems the only way out.  The last resort, because you just can’t take one more minute of feeling this incredibly horrible.  Something to think about.

Had a couple of not-great days, building up to a massive laying on the couch moaning and groaning crappy pain day yesterday, where I mostly tried to sleep through it. Much better today. Trying to get things done, but much slower than last week. Still a lot of pain going on. I only cut the Prednisone back 1/2 mg, not a whole mg like doctor wanted me to. Stupid doctors. Let them live with this shit.

Anyway, I was looking at something I needed to do something with, and it occurred to me that I buy things, and do things, that I don’t consciously realize I am buying/doing in order to recreate a time when I didn’t feel hopeless. When I hadn’t lost hope. But I have, and things especially are not going to fix that. I find myself thinking so what if I don’t learn a language, or download and try out the latest computer thingy, or any number of things, because it just doesn’t matter any more. So I’m thinking about this, and I realize that I have never recovered from being really ill for months on end a couple of years ago. That ‘can’t do it, it doesn’t matter anyway’ mind set has taken hold and is affecting every aspect of my life. I have my days, where I am pretty much ‘me’ but mainly not. I need to think on this, and see if I can figure out how to change my inner voice. I like me better when I’m ‘me’. Just so you know. I have a lot of days like this: