We’ve gone from warm enough for the a/c to almost cold enough to close the windows and start wearing heavier clothes in one day. It’s glorious. Sweaters, blankets, hot drinks, cozy couches…it’s all good. I do not like hot and sticky. I may have mentioned that once or twice before.

I got a mention on another blog. Here:

Spoon

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I slept til 4:30 this afternoon, after being up very late due to NOT being able to get to sleep. Until I did. I am getting frustrated again. I feel like I have no control over my own life. I can’t be up when I want, sleep when I want, do things I want/need to do when I want/need to do them. It’s all out of my hands. It’s like being a prisoner, or a slave. Your life is in someone/something’s hands, not your own. I honestly don’t know what to do. How to manage my life with this illness. I basically just go with the flow, but since my brain is actually working now, it really gets to me not to be able to use my body the way I want. I need to go to the post office, but I’m asleep when it’s open. I need to look for a new doctor. Same problem. I want to visit my friend after having to pass on several invitations, but can I? Most probably not. It’s not fun to have company who is pretty much incapacitated. At least I’m easy to entertain.

I bought real food this week. After living on power bars for six days of too much pain to do more than open the wrapping and eat what’s inside, I had a relatively good morning. Not day, just morning. So I bought (well, my homemaker bought) real food to make things with. Potatoes and onions for corn chowder. Ground turkey for chili. I forget every single time I have a good spell that just because I am functioning now doesn’t mean I will be when it comes time to actually use the food and make the dishes. Every time. And every time I crash again and just look at the food til I wind up tossing it. Yes, I am frustrated, angry with myself and my illness, at a loss for answers. I am not depressed, amazingly enough, but I probably will be if I go on like this much longer.

Life could be worse, I know that, and I am happy to be as well as I am, but it doesn’t help with the issues. I don’t like to whine, although I do, and I try to always, always see the humor in things and make jokes and not drag everyone else down because of my issues, but sometimes I just wish some one/thing could fix me and give me my life back.